I am a strange young woman sometimes I swear. I have been wondering a lot over the last few months about what it is I really want and who I want it from. The problem is I think in circles. My brain can be a landmine of information some days. I can be emotional and irrational as a result. That makes me shut down and isolate until I come up with a solution that makes sense to me again. It took me longer than I wanted it to admit that I was in love with two different men. It felt like I had failed at the one task we had as adults in relationships. Clearly I violated a rule somewhere. I didn’t. I just embraced a different lifestyle once I could fully accept what was happening.
I just started reading a new book, Mating in Captivity by Esther Parel. I heard her speak at a conference and while the message was clear it didn’t resonate again until I got back home and picked up the book. I literally only made it a few pages in before my brain had another epiphany that I have been rehashing since then. I have been both exploring polyamory and unconsciously asking each of them to somehow pull me out of it. I’ve been asking Mr. Wolf to become more like the Dutchman and vice versa. I’ve been struggling with having more than one partner internally more than I apparently was aware of. The problem with that struggle is I’m demanding, although not directly, that they change who they are and what they represent in my life. Because we all like it when our partners fall in love with us and then ask us to be someone totally different than who they fell in love with right? They both add so much value to my world as they are so making them change is asinine. Mr. Wolf is my sadistic teddy bear and I adore Him for it. Asking Him to unleash Jedi mind tricks on me is stupid. I still have to keep him away from the Death Star though. Believe me it’s in your best interests. The Dutchman is my effortless Svengali and He makes my brain inflame when He wants to do so. Asking Him to develop super teddy bear qualities would diminish the easy manipulation and supplication we go through. To be clear, they each have parts of that persona that the other possesses. That’s just not the dominant, ha pun intended, narrative for either of them when it comes to me.
Let me apologize to both for my radio silence over the last few weeks. I’ve been stressed and sorting all of this out in my brain. I’ll make it up to each of You soon.