Happy Valentine's Day

Tuesday, February 14, 2017 No comments
Just giving a shout out to the random folks that still stop by. Hope you had a good day. Follow my blog with Bloglovin


It's raining and I'm (Re)hearing Music

Sunday, February 12, 2017 No comments
Anyone who has been around here for a while knows I listen to music as much as I can and firmly believe that some songs pop up when I need to hear them.  It's raining right now.  Slow, soft, enough to make me miss people I cared about but not so much that I'm worried about the roof leaking.  I can't say hi to either one of them.  They are gone from my plane of existence so really I'm left with memories and music.  You may or may not listen to a lot of older R&B music but let me let you in on the song currently cycling all out of order in my head.  If you aren't in the mood to listen to the song you can grab the lyrics here.

So as I am sitting here being lulled into reverie by the rain drops it occurs to me that I used to belt this song out in the car, the apartment the wherever with so much passion that you couldn't tell me I wasn't Jill.  But hearing it now, and a few days ago, I realized that I never really gave power to the words in the way that I should.  I could and did lose myself in the stanzas I can pay my own light bill baby, put my own gas in my own car.....but around the lines that trip me up now and should have then are the same ones that get me in trouble constantly when it comes to my relationships are firmly embedded in the chorus.  I need you yeah sometimes so hard to say....I love deeply when I love.  I want their love in return.  I want to wake up and be halfway ugly and they still pull me close and kiss my funky morning breath face hello,  I want to be what they desire of me and in return get what I desire of them but need trips me up each and every time.  Need, as I've mentioned, implies dependence and while you should be dependable you are likely not going to be the first person I consult on some things just because you lack the expertise or you are going to say something like do whatever you think is best and that wasted a lot of time.  I have had more than one person including my former, and current, partners get frustrated by that and I apologize but the one thing I can't give someone is neediness. 

I found myself swaying in the car the other day when the song started playing and I literally stopped cold in my song styling when it got to I need you yeah because it felt like I was being a fraud.  Hell I felt fraudulent singing I can kill the spider above my bed even though it's hard because I'm scared.  Spiders only scare me if they are scrambling out reach or are gigantic.  Normal spiders just get murdered on sight.  My lack of need and insistence on wanting being a superior position for most men has often made people think I was cold or uncaring.  Truthfully I can be a big old pile of mush in the right circumstances but it's typically not with my partners either cause crying uncontrollably is generally not sexy.  They get my happy.  They might get my angry.  They can have my sarcastic and dry humor.  My need yeah got nothing there.  Unless it's need for sexy time and yeah that is a need one could fill but if I only need you for sexy time and don't want to be bothered with you the rest of the time that's not a good luck either.  I like being able to joke and be silly and analyze the hell out of song lyrics or movie lines or bad WWE storylines--like seriously fire some of the writers, when I can figure shit out it frustrates me--because that's when you can get to my soft underbelly and see really chill me.  Okay I'm rambling now.  Gonna listen to the rain and watch tape delayed tennis. Follow my blog with Bloglovin


Just so fresh and clean

Wednesday, February 08, 2017 No comments
Okay folks.  I've been off the grid again for a while.  A few months ago I was alerted by my hosting provider that the contract was coming up for renewal and let's just say the price tag was massively unappealing.  I reached out to my original revamp designer and she's out of business.  I found new folks who rocked on etsy and after buying a new template to overhaul the site is back to its former glory mostly.  There are clearly some changes.  I got rid of the grope button.  It felt dated and I wasn't sure anyone ever actually used that thing.  The labels look different but I may be able to fix that--not sure right now.  And the bottom doesn't have all the pages numbers listed just older posts.  But hey if you are super nosy you can click on the right hand side and peruse a month to see what's there or a label and it will do the same thing.  Things are also centered in some places which is also a bit different but we'll have to rock with that for a while.

I have a post about relationships dancing around in my head that I may or may not share at some point.  But I will say before I sign off for the night that I recently took a quick trip to London.  I mostly ate too much, slept in and broke my Hitachi lol.  I've replaced it with the big daddy upgrade version and oh my.  It's sleepy time for me.  Between the random snow, strange as hell dreams, and the lack of mental energy I need to just wind it down.  Hope you all are doing well.


Been a long time, shouldn't have left you

Sunday, November 20, 2016 No comments
......without a dope beat to step to, step to.

Sorry I couldn't help myself there.  According to the date on the last post it's been just over two months since I posted last.  I could post a lot of excuses but when it comes down it really I just got super busy.  So in the gap I've done a lot of things with work and looking at new opportunities.  I've taken a quick vacation that was beyond necessary.  I had a lot of sex and a little play and both again were necessary.  But mostly I've been thinking which is not always a good thing.  In this case I'd call it neutral.  I thought about quitting my job.  I've thought about looking for a job outside the country.  I've thought about abandoning all trappings of adulthood.  And at one point I thought about cutting off all relationships with everyone because I was just tired.

Tired of what you may ask and I will be happy to tell you.  As my partners can attest, I'm not always good at asking for help.  Not because I don't need it but because I hate it when folks don't pull their weight.  Plus, if I know you are busy with other things I am not going to toss my request out there as well.  So yeah it's easier to just say fuck it than ask for help right?  Well not really but that's where my brain goes when I get fed up.  My partners have had a host of things on their plates so I was off being quiet.  The last few weeks reminded me not to do that.  Each of them reached out of me in a different but needed way.  It doesn't fix some of the mess but they care and that's good to know.

I can be tired but I have people to lean on if I just let myself fall.


My brain had a restart

Tuesday, September 13, 2016 No comments
I am a strange young woman sometimes I swear.  I have been wondering a lot over the last few months about what it is I really want and who I want it from.  The problem is I think in circles.  My brain can be a landmine of information some days.  I can be emotional and irrational as a result.  That makes me shut down and isolate until I come up with a solution that makes sense to me again.  It took me longer than I wanted it to admit that I was in love with two different men.  It felt like I had failed at the one task we had as adults in relationships.  Clearly I violated a rule somewhere.  I didn't.  I just embraced a different lifestyle once I could fully accept what was happening.

I just started reading a new book, Mating in Captivity by Esther Parel.  I heard her speak at a conference and while the message was clear it didn't resonate again until I got back home and picked up the book.  I literally only made it a few pages in before my brain had another epiphany that I have been rehashing since then.  I have been both exploring polyamory and unconsciously asking each of them to somehow pull me out of it.  I've been asking Mr. Wolf to become more like the Dutchman and vice versa.  I've been struggling with having more than one partner internally more than I apparently was aware of.  The problem with that struggle is I'm demanding, although not directly, that they change who they are and what they represent in my life.  Because we all like it when our partners fall in love with us and then ask us to be someone totally different than who they fell in love with right?  They both add so much value to my world as they are so making them change is asinine.  Mr. Wolf is my sadistic teddy bear and I adore Him for it.  Asking Him to unleash Jedi mind tricks on me is stupid.  I still have to keep him away from the Death Star though.  Believe me it's in your best interests.  The Dutchman is my effortless Svengali and He makes my brain inflame when He wants to do so.  Asking Him to develop super teddy bear qualities would diminish the easy manipulation and supplication we go through.  To be clear, they each have parts of that persona that the other possesses.  That's just not the dominant, ha pun intended, narrative for either of them when it comes to me.

Let me apologize to both for my radio silence over the last few weeks.  I've been stressed and sorting all of this out in my brain.  I'll make it up to each of You soon.


Remember Everyone

Sunday, August 21, 2016 No comments
Not sure if any of you are actually still paying attention beyond the folks that like to tie up and beat me.  Hello Sadists, love ya.  And I am definitely not sure if the people that this message needs to reach will ever see it but they are the last ones on the list and as of right now I have literally no way to reach out to them.  So this summer has been hectic but I managed to grab a few moments here and there to read a book.   And that book made me come up with the title of this post and the point of this book: to remember the loves lost, good and bad.

The book in question that had most lasting impact was called I Almost Forgot About You by Terry McMillan.  Now I've had a tortured relationship with Terry.  When she's on her books are wonderful.  When she's not then the books can be painful.  I'll admit to not reading her books much in the last few years but this seemed like it'd be worth the risk.  So I checked it out of the library and got about 80 pages in before I had to return it--busy summer remember.  I checked it out again on my kindle and finished it up in a blur.  And then I got to writing.  Nothing new of my own but letters to old lovers.  I became Terry's lead in real life and the plan was simple.  Only write from the heart.  Let the bitter stuff go and it may do absolutely nothing but lift the negative energy off of me that may linger.  So I did it.


Dear ________ Men

Saturday, August 13, 2016 1 comment

After hearing from a friend this morning I was saddened but not shocked. Another round of the inability to hear one another had started and because I refuse to engage with people who can't listen to a dissenting view I thought about what I wanted to say in this post. The problem though is when I envisioned this it was to a specific group of men and that's discounting a whole lot that needs to be said to all of mankind. If I offend you I apologize in advance but the truth of the matter is we're stuck in a loop that is tragic. I will try to address my points to each group and then as they overlap come back to whatever I think is missing.

Dear Black Men: I love you I do. Your skin, your spirit, your walk, your voice, your intelligence, your beauty and your energy just make me smile. I feel a loyalty and kinship with you that I have yet to find in any other men, admittedly I haven't looked very hard but still, and that breeds a peace and safety when we are on the same page. The problem is recently we're not even in the same book let alone on the same page. When I or anyone else challenge you on something it cannot be met with a defensive position. To paraphrase Steven Covey: please listen to me with the intention to understand what I am saying not respond. What you hear as accusations I am delivering as pleas. To see me, hear me, support me, defend me and protect me in the same ways I have always done for you. Ok maybe not always but most of the time. I'm not convicting you and I'm not always saying you did something intentionally but if I'm opening up to you about something then try not to be ready to fix it, assuage your guilt, defend your position or prove I am wrong because you are the exception to the rule. Much like we discuss with people outside of our racial group not wanting to listen to us about the truth of our reality you cannot tell me my experience as a woman is because of bad decisions, my own flaws, poor planning and the same series of crap that is hurled at all of us. But if you can't come from that place with me or for me do it for the women you are raising. Your daughters, your nieces, your little cousins goddaughters, and the like. My father was and has always been one of my heroes. The only time I felt he let me all the way down was when I figured out why my parents split up. The man who always encouraged me to be strong and independent and not take crap from any man if it meant devaluing myself or my worth was a serial cheater. You may not see the connection there so let me make it for you. How can you tell me how a man is supposed to treat a woman, how can you model who I am supposed to be looking for, if you can't respect the woman you chose to create me with? Honestly that last bit could apply to any man but I'm directing it to you because you are the men I see myself reflected in and whom your daughters don't need anymore negative information about because they already hear it from a myriad of sources. Be her superhero and don't let her see under your cape.

Dear White Men: I have paid little to know attention to you outside of my friendship circles. I have been unwilling to see you has romantic partners because while you may get me and adore me and think I hung the moon on one level you don't get "it." And that's not your fault. You have no reason to know what it feels like to be routinely harassed, demeaned, denigrated, or made into someone's fetish. That's not to say there are not some of you out there that desperately do get it and could be my allies as I fight the good fight. The problem is you don't come with tags that say yes or no. And I'm unwilling to let you into my private space, to find room for you in my heart, only to be crushed later when something latent and painful slips out in an argument, in bed, on a long drive. I'm too tired to educate you on what is and isn't appropriate for you to say or do. Most importantly though the ones I'm legitimately attracted to seem to have similar qualities that may make it worth the risk but without those tags my brain says stand down. To be clear though some of y'all are pretty as hell and if we could work on that tag system you'd probably be delightful in a variety of ways. I'm not sure I could submit without fear to you and that's the other limitation to engaging with you. One stray n word or whisper about a slave fantasy and your dick might come up missing. Random aside--seriously I hate the word cock and I have yet to see more than a few of you work with dick. It's petty I know but I promise I get drier than the Sahara when I hear cock directed at me.

To the rest of you: It's my struggle that I don't have personal messages to you yet. My mind has been split with sorting through the other groups but some of what applies to them likely applies to you as well. All I can encourage you to do is find your superhero status in the life of the women you love, adore, appreciate, lightweight want to fuck and especially in those that get on your nerves. They need you more than the others might because they need to be repaired from the series of hurt that have come their way. Being anyone's good guy can help all of you out in the end.


Vacations & Consent Violations

Monday, July 25, 2016 No comments
Okay folks this vacation is quickly coming to an end and I have to say my bad as it does so.  I flirt a fair amount with people I used to see naked.  Witty banter gets me all hot and bothered if you're good at it.  And really to get me naked you have to be fairly good at it because I get bored easily.  I'm sure you're wondering what that has to do with my vacation but just hold on I promise I'll get to it.  This is my first actual vacation of the year and it was beyond needed.  I had a relatively uneventful flight, took longer than necessary to get to the hotel, and then got to my room after getting some booze and finding out the tv was just dead. Not starting off well, front desk clerk was useless until the shift change and then shortly after midnight all was right with the world again.  And then I did something that never ever crossed my mind and violated a friend's consent.

Spending time with one of my partners meant for healthy doses of good orgasms and deep sleep that those create.  However, there's a witty banterer in town that I used to enjoy playing with on a routine basis.  We have managed to miss each other the last few times I have been in town but seemed like things would line up for a visit this trip.  And it did but I apparently failed in my communication skills this time.  He knew I was in town to see someone and that was someone I was dating but in his non kink mind it didn't register for him, and I apparently didn't specify, that my date would likely be with me when he arrived and well he was.  We haven't left the room much since arriving cause yeah sexy time and bed for spankings is all the rage these days.  It also didn't occur to me to tell him because I thought it was clear that I wasn't solo.  Even though we still managed to have some private naked shenanigans I wasn't chalking up his level of discomfort in a situation that to me didn't warrant it. But yeah I totally violated his consent there because I totally wanted to mount him--with permission of course.

And it really didn't register for me until he pointed it out earlier this morning and after taking a long soak at the pool it occurred to me that I would never do that with someone with a kink event or venue or relationship so I shouldn't have done that in this situation.  Vanilla sex activities should still be with full warning and acknowledgement of what someone is walking into just like they would if I was taking them to a dungeon.  So I called him later and apologized.  It was the only polite thing to do especially since we've been friends for damn ever on top of periodically unclothing one another.  So yeah I suck bad me but I did apologize and hope that he can forgive my faux pas.  He's said we're all good and I will take it as that for the moment.  One the upside we were able to check off another one of the we've never done this before things which is kinda amazing for someone I've seen naked off and on since 1994.  Back to vacation now.


Deep Thoughts not by Jack Handey

Sunday, June 26, 2016 No comments


You have to be a certain age to even have a clue what I'm talking about and/or to have an unhealthy obsession with older episodes of Saturday Night Live.  Regardless this won't be Jack Handey delivering any wisdom.  Actually I'm not sure there will be any wisdom coming forth in this posting today.  I've been silent for a while but not for any pressing reason.  I've been tired, I've been busy and I've been overthinking life in the way one only can when there's nothing super stressful going on on the calendar.  To be clear there's lot to be done.  My major work assignments wrap up this week but I still need to address about four other things before the fall work assignments gear back up.

I have no vacations planned for the summer but hey in light of that whole Brexit vote it might be a good time to head to the UK before their economy fully rebounds.  This time last summer I was gearing up anxiously to get on a plane in a few weeks to head to Amsterdam.  My plan was to repeat that but I seriously didn't want to spend that much for a ticket again so I'm holding off on that return flight until March when I got a fantastic deal.  But that means I need a break and I need it soon before I convince my mother to move out (sad face) and try to live with my brother which would lead to his untimely divorce (that's a legit sad face).  It's not even that I need to have sex or anything which is dramatic for me to even think let alone say.  I just need to disappear into my own space for a while.  Where there is nothing at all expected of me or for me except what I opt to do that day.

I want to go somewhere and explore again.  I want to go somewhere and have to adjust my expectations.  I want to go somewhere and just eat pizza and desserts and laugh at or with the rest of the tourists.  Part of me wants to do that with a tour group because doing it alone can be scary but the other part of me wants to just say fuck it and let's see where I can afford to go and just vanish for a while.  I probably won't because as I think I mentioned I overthink things and what I want to do versus what I should do and the should side of me normally wins.  But if you see a lovely photo from Cozumel applaud me okay.

I'm also trying to handle my emotions which are all over the place damn it.  I'm either sobbing, trying to be stoic, happy as hell or pissed.  Usually there's a trigger for all of them and most of it is tied to being stressed and tired but I am also missing time with my partners which always regulates me a bit.  I mentioned in a previous post that when I am well connected to both my life is a beautiful happy place and when I'm not well it's like now and I seriously turn myself inside out debating the whole is this the right thing for me and when did I decide that I could really submit and why is it so hard for me to keep myself together.  Yeah I said I think too much.

And I want to revamp this blog but I'm not sure what to do with it and if I want to keep it on my current host or move it elsewhere.  So much random thinking so little coming from it.  On the upside my Mandarin Chinese Rosetta Stone should be here at the same time that everything for this immediate chunk of stuff is done and I have nothing to do but work on me and my lack of being multilingual.


The Moment When the Well Runs Dry

Saturday, May 14, 2016 No comments
I'm sure an old person, or a criminal, at one point delivered the following wise words: don't piss off people who know where the bodies are buried because they lent you the shovel.  I am typically a low key person no matter what people do, say or infer about me.  It's just my style to make a public scene which has worked out well for any number of my ex partners who never had to worry about me showing up to a wedding ceremony to inform the bride to be that I helped him get dressed that morning or call a wife's job to let her know her husband offered to fly me out post vasectomy to help him drain off all those nuts to make sure his little swimmers were done and dusted over the course of a weekend.  After all he was sure it would take at least a month with her and he didn't want any oops babies.  I'd be providing a much needed service.  Yeah miss me with that bullshit. My point is I don't typically call people out on their bullshit because really what's the point.  They won't change. People who don't know the whole story will take sides and still another group see me showing my proverbial ass and that's just not how I get down.  So quite a few people have benefited from my desire to keep my business to myself.

The thing is I'm kind of fucking tired of that.  Because the biggest offenders aren't people that I have fucked so well they basically put a fatwa out on anyone that would try to see me after they had departed the area.  The biggest offenders, if not the most frequent, are my female friends.  That should be former friends.  My actual female crew, folks that have seen me ugly cry, ventured with me through the ringer and back with some of the aforementioned dudes, who have seen me through graduations, the loss of my father, near loss of my mother, well those folks can and always well get the benefit of my shovel services.  But there have been a few folks that I have let continue to overstep and without fail they end up doing the same shit in different ways.

There's a random moment of disconnect, nothing that would immediately fracture the friendship but something only one of us would continue to focus on.  Regardless of what transpires over the ensuing months and in some cases years that disconnect ends up causing a rift that won't be gotten over cause yeah when only one of you knows there's an issue the other one can't fix it.  Now as friendships sometimes naturally do you start exploring things with people who have more in common with your immediate life.  I have never taken that personally cause shit things happen.  What I do start to take personally and then pull back from on my own is intense needs for attention that aren't reciprocated.  I start to feel some kind of way about a sudden neediness to be viewed in a positive light.  But the shit that does it for me and makes me go fuck this like for real for real is an inability for the "offended" party to see how we got to wherever we are.  It's some new fangled victimization shit that I find both fascinating and slightly diagnosable.  Especially when those folks are suddenly knee deep in relationships with people they used to speak about in less than flattering tones.  But as the old adage goes if they're willing to bad mouth someone with you just wonder what they are saying about you behind your back.

I will be returning to my normal programming as soon as I hit send.  If you think this is about someone you know, maybe, but you won't hear it from me because again that's not entirely how I get down.  Truth be told it's about no one in particular but has been festering for a while because I have this ridiculously stupid tendency to hold my tongue much longer than I need to in order to spare folks feelings.  I might be giving up on that mission now too.  My brain is channeling 2Pac right now: I ain't a killa but don't push me, revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting pussy.  Maybe I need a station break with Prince.