No idea why that song is stuck in my head right now. I could say that it's because of the cold medicine that is not working but that definitely isn't it. I could say it's the time of the year that normally throws me off something awful because of the anniversary but I can't say that either. It just popped in my head has been there for a bit. Work is caught up for the moment. I got new drugs so hopefully those work when I start taking them.
Meh moving on. So in my last post I mentioned noticing a pattern in my relationships. I also saw something else that may make more sense in all of this shortly but I'll get to that in a bit. I've often joked that I'm part boy because I just don't react to things the way most women do. It's not that I couldn't I just don't. In my relationships right now I feel like I'm emotionally dead center between the two of them. Well let me say that I've felt like I'm emotionally dead center. I'm probably overthinking all of that right now, thus this post, but yeah more words. I've often wanted more emotional investment from one and less from the other. And in looking at how I've interacted with them I think one wants more emotion from me and the other wants less. So I've watched the push pull play out across the relationships and it's frustrated me until recently. And that would be because recently I just shut down.
I'm tired a lot. I'm busier than I want to be most of the time. Even when I think I have a bit of time to myself someone comes and jacks that. I was briefly thinking time with my partners could rectify that but nah probably not right now cause I'm just in a funky place. I'd eventually chill out but by then I'd be ready to go home. I'm not even in a place that I could be overwhelmed by either of them which I kinda love and rely on some days just to make my mind shut down. A lot of change is happening around me and I do tend to shut down a bit when that is happening but what's going on now isn't on the level of shut down. Maybe it's a bit of everything. Because if I'm honest the world at large is a bit fucked up and making me annoyed. And if I could move abroad right now I would because I would just like to be an expat. But I'd miss my family too much and my mother wouldn't really adjust well to living abroad in her 60s.
I'm honestly not being a good submissive at the moment either. I'm not asking for help nor am I trying to provide it. I could do both but I'd suck at providing it right now and I'm not sure anyone could help with my issues. I need a chef, maid, driver, and masseuse. If that crew also happened to make me laugh that would be great but I'm short as hell right now with folks if they piss me off right now so yeah that's not a good idea. I'd just have a bunch of angry folks cooking my food and tending to my car--that's a bad situation to be clear. I don't want folks spitting in my food or giving me off brand gas because I didn't smile when they did something I asked. Hopefully I'm not letting anyone down in the moment cause I'm not sure what's left of me to give after a regular day. And I'm not sure how to get back to a good place at the moment.
Ahh well time for drugs, food and sleep.