Need and Growth

My mind has been scattered and I’m trying to keep it all together but it’s not been easy. I actually was planning to do something else because of the email this prompt came from in the mailer I got from Luna @ the Submissive Guide. Well I had two things in mind to do but neither was this. The prompt resonated with me for some reason today and I’m not sure why. Here’s the message: “For me, D/s is a graded endeavor. There are definitive levels of achievement. There is an unacceptable level of performance. Effort is not enough to make the grade.” – Sir C

I have mentioned this to other people, mostly the Dutchman and Mr. Good Nhyte, that I haven’t necessarily felt like I have grown much as a submissive in the past. That was largely due to my own issues with fully surrendering to my partners but also because of where those relationships ended up progressing to I would assume. While I know more about myself and what I need to be in the kind of relationship I want to pursue, I don’t know that I have done anything since fully embracing my role as a submissive that I would mark as an achievement. I still can be ridiculously argumentative. I try not to be insubordinate but if I don’t understand why something needs to be done I am unlikely to do it. And I am still working on just letting go and understand that where I am being led is where I am supposed to be. I don’t always feel secure enough to do that and then I slip back into my rational brain and that’s just a death knell for me in growth as a submissive.

The thing is I want to be better, stronger, improve in significant ways but much like with everything else with me it’s a struggle. I need to have control wrested away from me. I need to have my choices limited such that pleasing is really my only option. I need to feel that when I make that slip I will be protected in that space. It takes a special person to do that and to maintain that longer than just a scene. I don’t like it when things around me are falling apart and my natural impulse is to just fix it and if I’m fixing it I’m not slipping. And if I’m not slipping I cannot acquiesce to even the simplest of requests or commands. Once over the last year has something been requested that felt like a genuine test of my ability to surrender. And I can’t say there wasn’t a massive amount of trepidation when the request was made. I cannot tell you how well it went because I just kinda remember my brain breaking a bit at the time. I’ve fallen completely off with that in the months since though so was it really an accomplishment or achievement more than a task I ticked off my to do list at the time without revisiting since.

To be fair most of that is due to things not being set or stable with Mr. Wolf or The Dutchman which makes their focus and ability to control me not be where I need it to be or they may want it to be. Life is in flux as usual but I want to figure out how to keep sparking growth independent of a partner. I need to spend some time thinking about that and given my schedule if I don’t do it soon I’m not sure when I will.

Self-reflection and Submission

Today is somewhat a chill day for me.  Nothing major looming overhead.  What is looming can be accomplished relatively easily.  The diet has been thrown to hell as I’m trying to recover from two different illnesses hitting me at once and save a few days earlier this week during which I was ridiculously horny, had the best wet dreams ever thankfully staring people that I might be able to make that reality with, enthusiastically masturbated while documenting the goings on and then shared with people who make me creamy I have been doing a whole lot of nothing it feels like.  Woke up earlyish today, ate breakfast, watched BBQ Pitmasters and then took a nap in which a beautifully thick and hopefully well endowed man visited my dream and flirted with me and made me moist before I woke up lol.  Really sounds like a good day right?

And truthfully it was/is and then I stumbled upon a post in Suffer For Me on Fetlife that directed me to yet another post and I realized I had more in common with random people than I thought.  I’ll get to that in a second.  I knew I was going to spend some time investigating my internal reactions to that and then I did something totally innocuous: took a Facebook quiz about what I’m secretly afraid of and came up with some supporting evidence of why I might need to ponder what I need to ponder.

In recent years, you find yourself having trouble keeping a relationship. You are irrationally scared that once you will open up, your partner will get a look at the real you and leave. Our subconscious is unfortunately filled with these kinds of thoughts.

To be honest, I haven’t been trying to keep a relationship.  I don’t see the utility in them all the time.  We’re attracted to some aspect of a person and then want to keep that all to ourselves which ends up altering the thing we liked in the first place.  Ok that’s a bit depressing but you can see why I wasn’t really clamoring to keep one cause really that’s how I was thinking.  Not to mention the whole “irrationally scare that once you will open up” thing because that really hasn’t been totally irrational for me.  Dating vanilla dudes for more than half my life when I told them what I really wanted, and that was at the corner of tame and tamer at the time, they have reacted strongly to that and typically not well.  “What kind of girl wants a man she loves to do that to her” was a frequent conversation at that point and outside of a little spanking and rougher than normal sex it never went where I really needed it to go and then relationships go poof.  [Read more…]

In with the new…welcome to my 2016

The word for the day is honesty.  I’ll get to more about that in a few minutes.  So as is necessary I am currently deeply gorging on a Twilight Zone marathon that started a day or so ago with brief interruptions from regular programming, sleep, work, the gym, and meal preparation.  I have done more than is standard during my week off and that’s good as my mood and mentality are a world apart from where they could be otherwise.  For those who aren’t aware I recently had a birthday and shortly after I went to visit family.  I don’t do it often but when I do it seriously feeds my spirit.  It reminded me of some things I need to do a better job of taking care of and I got new photos for my phone of the people who make up the largest part of my heart and keep me grounded.

It was with that energy that I came home on Monday and didn’t lose it about mom’s standard “I have no idea what I want to eat but I sure am hungry” routine.  The end result was Burger King and we ended up with extra nuggets and a free soda because the cute drive thru guy–yes I was checking his cuteness, I was tired not dead and yep he was mountable–felt bad we had to wait a few minutes for fresh nuggets.  I slept well and have spent the last four days working, working out and thinking.  I wasn’t dreading being pseudosingle or anything else.  Life, no matter how many complications I am experiencing at the moment, is good.  Largely because of that I’m committed to my goals for the year, not resolutions as those seem to go no where for me, the most prominent of which is being honest with myself and with others.  There are others: lose another 35 pounds, stay healthy, play nice with mom, repair some old relationships or let them go, get on the grind with work, travel, and say yes to new experiences but the honesty thing well it needs to win out.

To that end I pondered what I wanted to say to The Dutchman and Mr. Wolf over for a few days before I said or typed  a word.  Now once I started my fingers moving I let it come out mostly free flowing.  I did a tiny bit of editing but I can’t not say things for fear of what may happen later.  Fear is a powerful motivator but it keeps me from being transparent.  Working on getting over that seriously.  So if you have any questions let me know?  You may be wondering about the whole Dutchman & Mr. Wolf situation and for now there’s no major update.  I still care about them both.  They bring out totally different traits in me and I appreciate them both for doing so.  I obviously spend more time with Mr. Wolf and if he had his way I’d be tied up in the basement of a 1950s style bungalow during the hours that I wasn’t needed at work.  That’s actually not a bad thing really lol but I don’t know how many bungalow’s have basements and I don’t really like the dark.  Well that’s not true either lol.  There’s no relationship hierarchy at the moment at least on my end.  They both have other relationships in play and are exploring different things with those individuals.  I can’t say I’m all in the poly lifestyle at the moment.  I still get jealous and it has taken me a while to find my voice and just be honest when that happens but as I mentioned earlier I’m working on it.

The only other thing that is going to be new and fun for me to explore is a project so to speak that I am undertaking as part of my make the year epic list.  I’m asking people what they would do with a partner of their choosing and forty eight hours of solid debauchery.  I am seriously interested in the answers because some of them I will make happen.  Others I will use to melt the brains of other folks lol.  Right now though I only have one weekend scripted and two allegedly coming back to me soon.  I think I wigged one potential playmate out when he asked about my limits being pushed and I told him the truth.  And another is just a lazy prick as best I can tell and if his dick wasn’t so ginormous I wouldn’t think twice about it.  He may get a stopover visit lol.  Anyhoo I think I’ve rambled enough for now.  If you think you have a good idea for a debauched weekend let me know in the comments or shoot me an email–website name minus the .com

My Neck is Bare

If you know my relationship status that may not strike you as odd.  After all single girls don’t typically wear collars proclaiming their availability.  But for me the lack of current adornment would typically send me into a tailspin.  For those that don’t know I lost my father when I was barely 25 years old.  It was the total opposite of fun and the worst part about it was I knew it was going to happen and I could do nothing to stop it.  I had been dreaming for months that I would be spending the last Christmas of my life with my father or that I was sitting in the hospital with my mother while waiting to find out if my father would be okay–that was trippy since my parents divorced when I was eight and up until a few months before he died lightweight hated each other.  The problem really was that no one knew what was happening with my father.  Getting him to the hospital and fighting with the doctors didn’t help.  When he realized he was dying, he sat me down and told me how to take care of things because my brother’s wouldn’t be able to do it.  I knew that was rough for him as it was rough for me.  I was my dad’s only daughter and if you listen to my brothers I was spoiled beyond belief just based on that fact.  I can cop to being spoiled but my father was my best friend so it was an equal opportunity spoiling.  Dad had special desserts (banana pudding sans the bananas with extra cookies or pecan pie with extra pecans and 1/3 cup less sugar cause he didn’t want it that sweet) and well marinated steaks and back walks a la The Jeffersons when I was home.  He was my buddy and I treasured all the time I spent with him and everything that he ever gave me.  Which brings me back to my bare neck.

For most of the time since I have worn a random trinket he bought me when I was very into Chinese astrology on a silver chain.  I have gone through many chains in fifteen years.  The last one broke about a week ago when I was in the middle of making cookies for the holidays.  I bought a warranty for it so it’s being repaired but it won’t be back for a few more weeks.  Since I wear no other jewelry really my neck is just there and flashing its nakedness.  I’m not sure if I hate it or if it has been freeing.  There were moments in the last fifteen years when I would literally get out of my car and go back to my bedroom to get my necklace.  Days that I couldn’t do that or forgot until I was in the middle of other things I would have some of the worst days ever.  That charm was my protection, my reminder that dad was looking out for me, comforting.  It would pain me to not wear it.  I am not feeling pained right now.  And I haven’t gotten to the point that I’m taking the charm with me constantly.  I don’t know if that means it’s time to let it rest or add the charm to my life in another way.  I have been touching my throat more than I normally would which has been disconcerting.  I know that the lack of necklace doesn’t mean dad isn’t still in my heart but it’s odd to not have something that has been so close to me for so many years.

I gave some thought to this being deliberate so that my neck is free for the next protector and His charm to take the place of the one I chose but yeah I don’t really like that idea lol and due to 80 million things collars aren’t really the best way to show ownership of me.  All I know is right now I’m painfully aware that I don’t have a few ounces of silver around my neck and I miss my dad all the more because of it.  Good night everyone.

The more things change

So a year ago I wasn’t sure what to do with my submission and who if anyone to explore it with.  A year later I can’t say I’m that far advanced in that deliberation.  However, one thing has crystallized in that time frame and that is maybe my metrics for making that decision have to evolve, grow and change.  I’ve mentioned before on how much I do not trust overt shows of emotion.  They have made me anxious and I figured out why within the last few weeks.  The men that say they love me and want to be with me forever have not kept their word.  So yes I hear the words but at this point they mean little to me because of past history.  So it’s not fair to the new folks but at least I’m aware of it so I can attempt to change how I react to them in the future.  That also means not giving so much weight to lust or the frenzy that it can create in me.  That frenzy seems to change my brain chemistry and before I know it I’m addicted to whomever is creating it and will modify my life to figure out how to get another fix.  I went looking for THIS SONG to illustrate my point with the lyrics that lead into the chorus but I clearly didn’t remember the end of the chorus.  For those who don’t want to click and listen, here’s the lyrics in question:

And if you said this life ain’t good enough
I would give my world to lift you up
I could change my life to better suit your mood
Because you’re so smooth

And it’s just like the ocean under the moon
Oh, it’s the same as the emotion that I get from you
You got the kind of lovin’ that can be so smooth, yeah
Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it

I can admit that my concept of love typically involves a level of pain and suffering so easy relationships throw me for a loop.  But truthfully I’m flexible to a fault when I’m overly invested in a relationship.  Which is just fancy talk for when I am ridiculously in lust with someone.  The problem with that is lust rarely leads to love and lust alone can’t sustain a relationship.  Well not a long-term one based on more than physicality.  And as I am embracing all these other changes in and about my life it’s time to think about lust being the basis of a long-term situation.  I’m not there yet but I’m walking in that direction at least now.  We’ll see if this is a change that sticks or not.

Pour Out a Little Licka for Naked Sunday

My quiet existence as a sorta single gal will end this weekend when the creature that birthed me, that causes me undue stress and has somewhat single handedly created a situation in which I will always be single returns from visiting my brother and nieces.  Granted I know she has to come back because I am her primary caretaker.  If she stayed with my brother he’d end up getting divorced because she and my sister in law are both just a bit on the fucking crazy side.  But that also means for the vast majority of the year (even when she’s gone if I’m being honest) I get to deal with the the wonderful crazy shit that is my mother.  Like requesting a quote for an addition onto the house, a fence for our giant yard and a garage that connects to both of them and expecting it to be around 25 thousand tops.  Cause that would happen right?  Only in crazy lady land.  I was trying to help her disturbed and CHEAP behind out with the Christmas ticket and she acts as though I just asked her to sacrifice one of the grandchildren.  She wants to see them and not see my sibling and his wife and somehow include a trip five hours a way to spend a day or two with one of her siblings and make it home from some undetermined point.

That would have been enough adventure for today but another incident popped up between friends and somehow I’m still involved even though I’m no where around and should have had no bearing on a damn thing that occurred with them but hey I’m super influential right lol.  I shared my thoughts with both of them at the same time which we have rarely done at least on a honest basis as of late and hope they figure out that situation sooner as opposed to later.  It reminded me of things that I don’t find super enjoyable about the lifestyle when the relationships aren’t one on one or because of the volatility of them what happens when an old partner is confronted with a new relationship.  That may be why I’ve always tried to fly under the radar or maybe not but shit poly tinged things are fucking complicated and I’m not sure I like them.  It also made me a little annoyed on two levels.  These things keep happening cause they get to go to events together.  They live in proximity to ones that can be primarily the brown kids and not a bunch of other folks so yeah kinda hateful on that fact.  The other thing that annoyed me is this felt all like a HS following out.  Tired of that too.

I updated my Fetlife support to Lifetime primarily because over the course a few years you’d pay that out with six month billing.  Plus I keep coming back even if I get frustrated sometimes.  I got a lot of grading done and a plan for classes tomorrow.  I need to get another project checked off and then I’ll be heading to a work conference at the end of the week as my last bit of freedom before the mummy returns.  I seriously don’t want to cook tonight either but I need to prepare breakfast for the rest of the week and ordering a pizza is a pain since I can only get the diet crust when I buy a large one.  Plus I’m trying to stick to the meal plan as much as possible as I try to hit the gym more regularly.  Okay I’m done bitching mostly.  I will miss being super naked for 24 hours solid.  All good things must come to an end though right.

Oh and the birthday function I am thinking about scrapping.  I may do like a friend and just put 40 things on my list to do the year that I am 40.  The level of depravity I want requires some specific players and well I don’t have a teleporter so it won’t happen anyway.  Have a good Sunday all.

It’s Good to be Naked

You know we are probably not naked enough as adults which is why it’s so freeing when we can just be butt naked all day long.  It’s Naked Sunday so I did everything I needed to do today naked save take out the trash cause that would be awkward and potentially public lewdness or something–plus it’s cold outside lol.  Anyhoo, I’ve made meals, watched tv, played games and made a lovely video courtesy of the fucking machine or with the assistance of the fucking machine with a guest starring appearance of the magic wand.  Woosah it was a good day.  A good naked day.

Home Alone, Not Quite Naked

So the last time I was home alone was months and months ago.  It was great but never enough I swear so it is with great pleasure that I can announce I’m chilling alone again for the next 30 days.  So there will be a return to Totally Naked Sundays.  Now that I’ve rested from the ridiculous amount of prep that goes into getting her ready for her trips and the long drive back and forth to the airport I am looking forward to being unclothed again.  I ran some errands, did some laundry and laughed at the internet.  Tomorrow I’ll restart the diet and get back to real life responsibilities.  Today was the last of the cheat days so I’m ready to get back to work on getting pinup or maybe rope bunny cute lol.  I miss rope.  Le sigh.  Beyond the impending full day of nakedness I’m thinking a lot like normal.  Some of it has been inspired by Fetlife posts but it’s had me evaluating who I really am as a submissive.  I have learned a lot about myself in the last year and a half and I am amazed at the person I am now and the boundaries that felt impenetrable at one point that are gladly explored now.

There were lots of reasons why we didn’t explore heavy play when Good Nhyte and I were together, most of them great reasons not to go there, but now that I have I feel like it would be difficult to submit without the promise of that at some point.  I’ve always liked feeling confined in whatever way that could be done but feeling rope on my skin, my body pinned in a certain position, my ability to remove freely restricted and it takes me to this almost immediate happy place.  My breathing slows, my mind clears and I’m naked without needing to take off a stitch of clothing.  I exist to explore that space and whatever desires the nice person tying me up has in store.  Apparently I’m a squirter and with the right prompting or prodding or poking lol it just starts to happen and I really only notice because there shouldn’t be that much moisture there.  I’m better than I thought I’d be at handling certain poly relationship situations but it’s not my forte as of this moment.  I can be spurred into jealousy and not a lot comforts me in those moments but I know rationally that folks have told me that regardless of what I think they still desire me for reasons that are wholly separate from anyone else.  But more than anything on the kink side of things I’ve figured out I enjoy the depravity, the degrading, the objectifying moments/thoughts/whims/wants/daydreams/fantasies/etcetera of Dominant men primarily but I guess the same thing could happen with a Dominant woman.  I’ve also learned that sometimes I just need to shut up because my opinion won’t change someone else and their thoughts on life more than likely.  I’ll share a bit and then keep it moving–that is major for me you just don’t know lol.

While learning all of that would be fantastic for anyone I’ve figured something else out that could have been why I didn’t fully succeed in other D/s dynamics.  I have been open and exposed and to use that phrase in a new way naked in ways that I have never been prior to this last 18 months.  I am flawed and weird and needy and horny and lusting and a great big old slut (well I knew that but I had been keeping it in check mostly because it seemed like I was supposed to and because my partners were not super keen on sharing me).  In short, I have been vulnerable in ways that are typically very uncomfortable to me and for me and even as I’ve been proceeding slowly and cautiously I have shared pieces of myself that I normally keep in check for my own protection.  I’m not sure why I’m willing to leave that safe space.  Maybe because I haven’t gotten what I apparently needed in that space.  Stepping out may do nothing but allow hurt to visit in a different way but I don’t think it will result in just that.  I feel inherently different than the girl I was in 2013.  I’m still a girl exploring things with the right person for a change I hope.  My study skills have picked up if nothing else lol.

These Are Not My People

I’m going to be super random so forgive me if you’re new here.  Do you like Batman?  I don’t mean the men that have played Batman (Keaton, Bale, Clooney, Kilmer) in recent history.  If you do then you have probably seen all the movies and discussed their good points and bad points.  As I was reading Fetlife again tonight I have had a conclusion reinforced for me.  I know that some of my folks are there and if we could just hook up we’d have a grand old time.  The problem is there are all the other folks in the way with all of their “interestingness.”  Yeah I know that isn’t a word but it’s a fit for what I’m seeing.

Folks complaining about their inability to complain without having threads closed.  Folks imposing their weirdness on unsuspecting inboxes.  Folks irritated about the current state of BDSM and looking to assign blame to all manner of malcontents or in general folks they don’t agree with.  Folks who can’t seem to tolerate even a bit of dissension if it flies in the face of their carefully laid daydream.  A reemergence of the One True Way crew.  I rarely have extreme opinions that I’m not willing to at least hear someone else out on before I move on with my day.  It’s getting harder to stumble through the morass of not my people for the fleeting moments of that little group of aliens are clearly my people and are waiting on me to come home–or at least the portion of the planet people like us can fully kick it in.

To be clear this is not just an online/Fetlife issue.  As I look around offline there’s a lot of the same things happening.  I have noticed myself withdrawing from all of the noise again, which I seem to need to do more often than I used to, just so I don’t snap at the sheer volume of stupidity.  Off tangent a commercial from a new Oprah Winfrey project just went off with her voice asking–what do you believe?  I believe that O is the anti-Christ.  Really how does a poor black woman from the country become one of the most powerful humans on the planet?  How does someone whose name was misspelled on her birth certificate, per her folklore, gain so much clout that she creates her own financial impact?  Something ain’t right y’all I’m just saying.

Back to my point.  My people are just as sheltered or hidden as I am.  They peek their heads out to give me hope that I am not Leela from Futurama and I’m the last of my clan.  I’m super tired of looking for them though.  I’m going to wave at those that look promising and give a nod to those that seem to need it when I recognize my people.  But I’m super done with trying to hunt them down.  Be sure to knock and I’ll show you the signal.  Can’t have my people locked outside when we got snacks inside.

At what cost?

So last night I planned on going to bed earlyish for me but when I logged off I couldn’t sleep.  My mind started churning about 50 million things as it is want to do in the middle of the night.  But this was all propelled by what I was doing right before I logged off.  I was tired but not sleepy so I tried to do what normally works, masturbate and pass out after a nice hard orgasm.  Yeah that didn’t work really.  Primarily because I’ve been horny as hell the last few days which isn’t totally abnormal for me but as a result I’ve been getting off a lot the last few days.  Off tangent: my new toy is flipping amazing and has been part of the impetus of all these orgasms.  Anyway, as the orgasm sleeping pill didn’t work I started pondering the woman I had been watching on screen as I joined her in orgasm–Sinnamon Love.  Now for those of you that don’t watch much porn (ROFLMAO no idea how you got here but still) she was a prolific Black porn star for quite a while.  Definitely during the time frame I was consuming most of my porn.  She wasn’t my first female porn star crush, that was most definitely Dominique Simone, but she was one of my longest because she didn’t seem to be anything but natural and enjoying her scenes.  Not to mention she was also one of the first women I saw doing fetish work of any kind that made something stir in me so yeah she definitely left an imprint.  I’m not sure if you have tried to watch much of the new porn that is being made but it’s like new rap/hip hop music to me.  Yes it resembles things that I like but the players are all wrong and it doesn’t do a damn thing for me 99 percent of the time.  I’m sure you’re wondering what I was pondering at 2 in the morning but it was really how while she’s shifted out of performing and into a different reality she seems just as genuine but most of all happy in her skin.  She’s a writer, blogger, sex educator, wife, mother and grandmother—her grandson is adorable.  I was think of her from when I saw her first to now and how much has changed for her and myself.

I won’t pretend to know her life but it impressed upon me something that I have been debating in my own life.  When you put yourself out there then no one can destroy your life for you.  She had been in a career where we all saw her naked and appreciated her energy and sexuality—as well as some potentially condemning her to hell for it—repeatedly for years.  She discussed being a submissive to her partner and dominating others.  She’s been open about her life in ways that I have yet to do with the world.  I know I’ve said it before that it’s related to my job and profession being super conservative.  It’s also partially related to the fact that I continue to find work in small conservative towns in small conservative states.  But it’s mostly tied up with wanting to be accepted and understood and knowing that those who aren’t in the know mostly wouldn’t do either of those things.  I doubt my brother would care but his wife is odd and that could impact my relationship with him.  My mother didn’t know you could spike a watermelon so being tied up and bound for fun is probably out of her wheelhouse.  My dad probably wouldn’t have cared but he’s not here.  The only people currently in my life that know are a few of my male friends and other people in the lifestyle.  The rest know about my former hoe glory days–okay may not former but they don’t know what I do now–and while never judgmental with me overtly I know most of them wouldn’t have gone there even if they had been afforded the same opportunities to overindulge in pretty male flesh.

So what is the cost of acceptance and can I afford to pay it?  I keep struggling with that.  Is it worth my job and the few friends I allow into my circle?  Financially I’ve done nothing that would make me secure enough to live more than a few months if I was fired because I was outed.  I have to support someone other than me so I have to be more cautious in that respect.  I don’t see my friends constantly but I appreciate their love and support more than I state here.  This is the only area of my life that I don’t do my normal thing.  I’m an advocate and supporter of the underserved and underrepresented.  I am all about empowerment and being the face/mentor/model what have you that someone needs so that they can also take their place at the table.  But when it comes to this I am not now in a place that I can risk it and am not sure that I ever will be and that makes me sad.  I get there are trade offs and costs associated with any and every part of our lives.  But in all the other ways I can be empowered in other avenues in my life my sexuality and relationship choices are judged, evaluated and typically means I will be ostracized if I am fully authentic.  I know I’m not the only one that has this struggle but clearly it’s been dancing around in my head for a while because it kept me up last night.

What are your costs for being yourself?  Can you afford to cover them?