Speaking in Metaphor

Saturday, March 04, 2017 No comments
So on my commute to work and back the last few days a song I was obsessed with months ago keeps playing and it seems fitting given my current mental and emotional state.  Shortly after that song plays a new song that I'm slightly obsessed with also plays.  It's an interesting juxtaposition of mood but both are accurate.  I tend to be a glutton for punishment in relationships mostly because I don't take my own advice.  I know that love has never been enough to sustain any kind of relationship but until that emotion is totally and completely out of my system towards someone I can't walk away.  I still love both of my partners more than I don't.  I'm just exhausted right now.  Thus nothing feels good or intriguing or even interesting if I'm honest.  And right now I'm slightly fixated on noticing how much heavier one of my boobs is than the other.  Like it's bugging the shit out of me right now.  Not enough that I'd likely do anything about it but if the yet to be scheduled mammogram means I have to do some sort of intervention then I will likely have it addressed.  Apparently lots of women have the same issue but until it's really noticeable the doctors say chill.


Happy Valentine's Day

Tuesday, February 14, 2017 No comments
Just giving a shout out to the random folks that still stop by. Hope you had a good day. Follow my blog with Bloglovin


It's raining and I'm (Re)hearing Music

Sunday, February 12, 2017 No comments
Anyone who has been around here for a while knows I listen to music as much as I can and firmly believe that some songs pop up when I need to hear them.  It's raining right now.  Slow, soft, enough to make me miss people I cared about but not so much that I'm worried about the roof leaking.  I can't say hi to either one of them.  They are gone from my plane of existence so really I'm left with memories and music.  You may or may not listen to a lot of older R&B music but let me let you in on the song currently cycling all out of order in my head.  If you aren't in the mood to listen to the song you can grab the lyrics here.

So as I am sitting here being lulled into reverie by the rain drops it occurs to me that I used to belt this song out in the car, the apartment the wherever with so much passion that you couldn't tell me I wasn't Jill.  But hearing it now, and a few days ago, I realized that I never really gave power to the words in the way that I should.  I could and did lose myself in the stanzas I can pay my own light bill baby, put my own gas in my own car.....but around the lines that trip me up now and should have then are the same ones that get me in trouble constantly when it comes to my relationships are firmly embedded in the chorus.  I need you yeah sometimes so hard to say....I love deeply when I love.  I want their love in return.  I want to wake up and be halfway ugly and they still pull me close and kiss my funky morning breath face hello,  I want to be what they desire of me and in return get what I desire of them but need trips me up each and every time.  Need, as I've mentioned, implies dependence and while you should be dependable you are likely not going to be the first person I consult on some things just because you lack the expertise or you are going to say something like do whatever you think is best and that wasted a lot of time.  I have had more than one person including my former, and current, partners get frustrated by that and I apologize but the one thing I can't give someone is neediness. 

I found myself swaying in the car the other day when the song started playing and I literally stopped cold in my song styling when it got to I need you yeah because it felt like I was being a fraud.  Hell I felt fraudulent singing I can kill the spider above my bed even though it's hard because I'm scared.  Spiders only scare me if they are scrambling out reach or are gigantic.  Normal spiders just get murdered on sight.  My lack of need and insistence on wanting being a superior position for most men has often made people think I was cold or uncaring.  Truthfully I can be a big old pile of mush in the right circumstances but it's typically not with my partners either cause crying uncontrollably is generally not sexy.  They get my happy.  They might get my angry.  They can have my sarcastic and dry humor.  My need yeah got nothing there.  Unless it's need for sexy time and yeah that is a need one could fill but if I only need you for sexy time and don't want to be bothered with you the rest of the time that's not a good luck either.  I like being able to joke and be silly and analyze the hell out of song lyrics or movie lines or bad WWE storylines--like seriously fire some of the writers, when I can figure shit out it frustrates me--because that's when you can get to my soft underbelly and see really chill me.  Okay I'm rambling now.  Gonna listen to the rain and watch tape delayed tennis. Follow my blog with Bloglovin


Just so fresh and clean

Wednesday, February 08, 2017 No comments
Okay folks.  I've been off the grid again for a while.  A few months ago I was alerted by my hosting provider that the contract was coming up for renewal and let's just say the price tag was massively unappealing.  I reached out to my original revamp designer and she's out of business.  I found new folks who rocked on etsy and after buying a new template to overhaul the site is back to its former glory mostly.  There are clearly some changes.  I got rid of the grope button.  It felt dated and I wasn't sure anyone ever actually used that thing.  The labels look different but I may be able to fix that--not sure right now.  And the bottom doesn't have all the pages numbers listed just older posts.  But hey if you are super nosy you can click on the right hand side and peruse a month to see what's there or a label and it will do the same thing.  Things are also centered in some places which is also a bit different but we'll have to rock with that for a while.

I have a post about relationships dancing around in my head that I may or may not share at some point.  But I will say before I sign off for the night that I recently took a quick trip to London.  I mostly ate too much, slept in and broke my Hitachi lol.  I've replaced it with the big daddy upgrade version and oh my.  It's sleepy time for me.  Between the random snow, strange as hell dreams, and the lack of mental energy I need to just wind it down.  Hope you all are doing well.


Been a long time, shouldn't have left you

Sunday, November 20, 2016 No comments
......without a dope beat to step to, step to.

Sorry I couldn't help myself there.  According to the date on the last post it's been just over two months since I posted last.  I could post a lot of excuses but when it comes down it really I just got super busy.  So in the gap I've done a lot of things with work and looking at new opportunities.  I've taken a quick vacation that was beyond necessary.  I had a lot of sex and a little play and both again were necessary.  But mostly I've been thinking which is not always a good thing.  In this case I'd call it neutral.  I thought about quitting my job.  I've thought about looking for a job outside the country.  I've thought about abandoning all trappings of adulthood.  And at one point I thought about cutting off all relationships with everyone because I was just tired.

Tired of what you may ask and I will be happy to tell you.  As my partners can attest, I'm not always good at asking for help.  Not because I don't need it but because I hate it when folks don't pull their weight.  Plus, if I know you are busy with other things I am not going to toss my request out there as well.  So yeah it's easier to just say fuck it than ask for help right?  Well not really but that's where my brain goes when I get fed up.  My partners have had a host of things on their plates so I was off being quiet.  The last few weeks reminded me not to do that.  Each of them reached out of me in a different but needed way.  It doesn't fix some of the mess but they care and that's good to know.

I can be tired but I have people to lean on if I just let myself fall.


My brain had a restart

Tuesday, September 13, 2016 No comments
I am a strange young woman sometimes I swear.  I have been wondering a lot over the last few months about what it is I really want and who I want it from.  The problem is I think in circles.  My brain can be a landmine of information some days.  I can be emotional and irrational as a result.  That makes me shut down and isolate until I come up with a solution that makes sense to me again.  It took me longer than I wanted it to admit that I was in love with two different men.  It felt like I had failed at the one task we had as adults in relationships.  Clearly I violated a rule somewhere.  I didn't.  I just embraced a different lifestyle once I could fully accept what was happening.

I just started reading a new book, Mating in Captivity by Esther Parel.  I heard her speak at a conference and while the message was clear it didn't resonate again until I got back home and picked up the book.  I literally only made it a few pages in before my brain had another epiphany that I have been rehashing since then.  I have been both exploring polyamory and unconsciously asking each of them to somehow pull me out of it.  I've been asking Mr. Wolf to become more like the Dutchman and vice versa.  I've been struggling with having more than one partner internally more than I apparently was aware of.  The problem with that struggle is I'm demanding, although not directly, that they change who they are and what they represent in my life.  Because we all like it when our partners fall in love with us and then ask us to be someone totally different than who they fell in love with right?  They both add so much value to my world as they are so making them change is asinine.  Mr. Wolf is my sadistic teddy bear and I adore Him for it.  Asking Him to unleash Jedi mind tricks on me is stupid.  I still have to keep him away from the Death Star though.  Believe me it's in your best interests.  The Dutchman is my effortless Svengali and He makes my brain inflame when He wants to do so.  Asking Him to develop super teddy bear qualities would diminish the easy manipulation and supplication we go through.  To be clear, they each have parts of that persona that the other possesses.  That's just not the dominant, ha pun intended, narrative for either of them when it comes to me.

Let me apologize to both for my radio silence over the last few weeks.  I've been stressed and sorting all of this out in my brain.  I'll make it up to each of You soon.


Remember Everyone

Sunday, August 21, 2016 No comments
Not sure if any of you are actually still paying attention beyond the folks that like to tie up and beat me.  Hello Sadists, love ya.  And I am definitely not sure if the people that this message needs to reach will ever see it but they are the last ones on the list and as of right now I have literally no way to reach out to them.  So this summer has been hectic but I managed to grab a few moments here and there to read a book.   And that book made me come up with the title of this post and the point of this book: to remember the loves lost, good and bad.

The book in question that had most lasting impact was called I Almost Forgot About You by Terry McMillan.  Now I've had a tortured relationship with Terry.  When she's on her books are wonderful.  When she's not then the books can be painful.  I'll admit to not reading her books much in the last few years but this seemed like it'd be worth the risk.  So I checked it out of the library and got about 80 pages in before I had to return it--busy summer remember.  I checked it out again on my kindle and finished it up in a blur.  And then I got to writing.  Nothing new of my own but letters to old lovers.  I became Terry's lead in real life and the plan was simple.  Only write from the heart.  Let the bitter stuff go and it may do absolutely nothing but lift the negative energy off of me that may linger.  So I did it.


Dear ________ Men

Saturday, August 13, 2016 1 comment

After hearing from a friend this morning I was saddened but not shocked. Another round of the inability to hear one another had started and because I refuse to engage with people who can't listen to a dissenting view I thought about what I wanted to say in this post. The problem though is when I envisioned this it was to a specific group of men and that's discounting a whole lot that needs to be said to all of mankind. If I offend you I apologize in advance but the truth of the matter is we're stuck in a loop that is tragic. I will try to address my points to each group and then as they overlap come back to whatever I think is missing.

Dear Black Men: I love you I do. Your skin, your spirit, your walk, your voice, your intelligence, your beauty and your energy just make me smile. I feel a loyalty and kinship with you that I have yet to find in any other men, admittedly I haven't looked very hard but still, and that breeds a peace and safety when we are on the same page. The problem is recently we're not even in the same book let alone on the same page. When I or anyone else challenge you on something it cannot be met with a defensive position. To paraphrase Steven Covey: please listen to me with the intention to understand what I am saying not respond. What you hear as accusations I am delivering as pleas. To see me, hear me, support me, defend me and protect me in the same ways I have always done for you. Ok maybe not always but most of the time. I'm not convicting you and I'm not always saying you did something intentionally but if I'm opening up to you about something then try not to be ready to fix it, assuage your guilt, defend your position or prove I am wrong because you are the exception to the rule. Much like we discuss with people outside of our racial group not wanting to listen to us about the truth of our reality you cannot tell me my experience as a woman is because of bad decisions, my own flaws, poor planning and the same series of crap that is hurled at all of us. But if you can't come from that place with me or for me do it for the women you are raising. Your daughters, your nieces, your little cousins goddaughters, and the like. My father was and has always been one of my heroes. The only time I felt he let me all the way down was when I figured out why my parents split up. The man who always encouraged me to be strong and independent and not take crap from any man if it meant devaluing myself or my worth was a serial cheater. You may not see the connection there so let me make it for you. How can you tell me how a man is supposed to treat a woman, how can you model who I am supposed to be looking for, if you can't respect the woman you chose to create me with? Honestly that last bit could apply to any man but I'm directing it to you because you are the men I see myself reflected in and whom your daughters don't need anymore negative information about because they already hear it from a myriad of sources. Be her superhero and don't let her see under your cape.

Dear White Men: I have paid little to know attention to you outside of my friendship circles. I have been unwilling to see you has romantic partners because while you may get me and adore me and think I hung the moon on one level you don't get "it." And that's not your fault. You have no reason to know what it feels like to be routinely harassed, demeaned, denigrated, or made into someone's fetish. That's not to say there are not some of you out there that desperately do get it and could be my allies as I fight the good fight. The problem is you don't come with tags that say yes or no. And I'm unwilling to let you into my private space, to find room for you in my heart, only to be crushed later when something latent and painful slips out in an argument, in bed, on a long drive. I'm too tired to educate you on what is and isn't appropriate for you to say or do. Most importantly though the ones I'm legitimately attracted to seem to have similar qualities that may make it worth the risk but without those tags my brain says stand down. To be clear though some of y'all are pretty as hell and if we could work on that tag system you'd probably be delightful in a variety of ways. I'm not sure I could submit without fear to you and that's the other limitation to engaging with you. One stray n word or whisper about a slave fantasy and your dick might come up missing. Random aside--seriously I hate the word cock and I have yet to see more than a few of you work with dick. It's petty I know but I promise I get drier than the Sahara when I hear cock directed at me.

To the rest of you: It's my struggle that I don't have personal messages to you yet. My mind has been split with sorting through the other groups but some of what applies to them likely applies to you as well. All I can encourage you to do is find your superhero status in the life of the women you love, adore, appreciate, lightweight want to fuck and especially in those that get on your nerves. They need you more than the others might because they need to be repaired from the series of hurt that have come their way. Being anyone's good guy can help all of you out in the end.