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Sunday, October 12, 2014

TTF part 3: a red velvet primer

Not sure what the focus of this will be but I know there are some things you should probably know that weren't included in the first two posts.

I am a consummate tomboy.  Despite the boobs, and don't get me wrong I like no I freaking love the boobs, there are very few people that would ever describe me as prissy.  I let my hair go gray because I was tired of fighting with the dye to stay on there longer than a few weeks.  I have girly moments and there are things I can be quite girly about but in general I'd rather be watching sports and reading than practicing makeup tips.  I probably should be working on make up though for my pinup persona and when she wants to come out though lol.  I do like to cook and bake but I do as much of that from scratch as I can because it helps me relax a great deal.  And even if I don't eat it I probably would be willing to make it for you provided you take it with you and eat it at your house.

If I wasn't living the life I currently have, good life not much to complain about, I'd love to be a pinup model.  One of the thicker ones of course.  I'd be more likely to have my hair stripped of the bit of remaining pigment that is there and just go super gray.  I'm headed there slowly but that's a pain.  I could finish my tattoos and do more of the nerdy rockabilly look some days along with the smooth and classy look.  I love the clothes, especially now that I've found a few good stores to supply them without me getting excited about an older outfit that is not in my size, hell any size but 2, and not in the right color.  I'm stocking up on lingerie and dresses and just bought a new pair of shoes.  If the writing thing ever pans out you just may see me and my endowments on a pinup site.

The more interested in you I may be the less likely I am to be overt and flirty with words.  I know that sounds weird because I talk and write a LOT.  My attention tends to get very sexual and in that context I'm very verbose and ready to make any last perverted thought you've ever had materialize.  When I'm in the getting to know you phase it's a mixture of both but if I just think you're cute then I talk a LOT of shit.  It could be the tomboy thing.  It could be I'm feeling you out.  I'm not really sure but my language output is almost directly inverse to how interested I am in you.  The only modifier is if irritated with you in which case there is no telling what may come out.

I really want to travel.  Like nearly anywhere but because I'm me I'd like for it to serve more than one purpose.  Meet a friend and tour a city.  Hit a country and check out a tennis tournament.  Go to a black sand beach and watch the dolphins or whales or whatever the hell is in the area.  As long as I won't be in a ridiculous amount of danger and the chances are low that I'll be abducted and turned into a sex slave that might be a spot to check out.

I've been thinking more and more about being single as the window seems poised to close on that status whenever I'm ready for that to be the case.  I have grown a fair bit during this single phase.  I have enjoyed it and I've explored things in my brain that have never ventured there before, like having two Doms or experiencing immense pain.  Trying to mesh either with my daily life is just intriguing, no idea how to make either feasible or an actual option.  But that growth has made it so that I'm not rushing the way I used to.  I'm ready to explore some rules and guidelines with someone provided they aren't ready to propose the minute I tell them this.  Time and place for everything unless you want me to turn into a skittish rabbit (and I was born under the year of the rabbit so it COULD happen).

Despite my relationships not turning into forever prior to now, I am still hopeful that there is a romantic situation, more than likely D/s potentially poly, out there for me that will be more long term and potentially permanent.  It could be that I'm meant to be a serial monogamist because I'm afraid of what forever may look like with anyone.  Or it could be that I'm a demanding brat and no one human can entertain me long term.  Or it could be that I'm a clingy needy partner who suffocates the lust out of their partners.  That last one is less likely but shit anything is possible.  I say all that to say that I am hopeful but would not be crestfallen if I was still maintaining a series of long term but not permanent entanglements.

There are people that I have a very strong physical reaction to and I can't explain it in the slightest.  They generally have nothing in common but an immediate ringing of a bell in my brain.  It can be confidence, it can be a mental challenge, it can be someone who antagonizes the pisses out of me or it can be just a beautiful body.  Whenever I notice that I am having that reaction, I try to keep it in check.  I can get easily overwhelmed by it and want nothing more than to give myself over to it repeatedly.  This is again a time that I tend to get reticent and hide.  If you fall into the button pushing category and ask me--no really tell me cause the button pushers tend to be more directive than not--to engage with you then I'm trying to figure out how to accommodate both of our wants in the fastest and most sweat inducing way possible.

I rarely engage in my own fantasies.  Not because I wouldn't like to but I'm afraid I may break the brains of the men I am with.  I can go to a deep dark place sometimes and I'm not only unafraid but I tend to flourish in that space.  I need someone strong enough to guide me safely in and pull me out when needed.  It's an interesting trip but not for the faint of heart.  If you wouldn't be ok degrading me then you may want to skip asking me about what is on that fantasy bucket list.

Ok this is it for now.  I think it covers most everything.  If you have questions let me know.

Friday, October 10, 2014

TTF Part 2: a red velvet primer

So I left you with a snippet of where the pain may have entered into the picture.  I can say I wasn't quite sure that's what I was looking for until I wasn't playing with him anymore.  Even though it had come up with my HS boyfriend, his pain was mild and his control over me was mostly mental.  At the time I was with Tall and Lanky I knew the sex was rough, almost violent but not in a way I was shying away from.  I knew he was a tinge on the unhinged side when sex was good.  He enjoyed me because no matter how long we were fucking I stayed wet and I didn't complain about the size of his dick.  I could see how others might.  It's a little disorienting having an arm like appendage invade your nether regions but once you adjusted it I swear to high heavens it was like his dick became a bludgeoning force of pain and pleasure that sent my mind off into lala land.  I met him by accident but he essentially kidnapped me the first night we had sex and the next day as I was trying to walk home I realized my normal hip switching had been fucked out me.  I was hooked as I smiled at the realization.  The more we had sex the more he tried to hurt me with his dick, fucking me trying to get me to deep throat that monstrosity.  And if I hit a particular spot when pleasing him he would reach back and smack my ass like there was a target on it.  Just so we're clear--LOVED IT.  When we played with others he encouraged them to hurt me as well and while a quick ass smack is nice they didn't have the same impact when they were coming from anyone but him.  He connected all the moving parts in my brain and if he hadn't been such a man whore I would have been devoted to him for quite a while longer than I was.  As it stands it was a good thing that I didn't remain his hapless lust slave.  I had so many more slutty adventures ahead of me.  And while most were wholly satisfying on a physical gratuitous level but that hole I mentioned in the last post was just beginning to grow.

Sunday, October 05, 2014

Touch the Fabric Part 1: A red velvet primer

Mr. Wolf has joked with me repeatedly that he needs a primer to understand all the weird things that are comprised inside of me.  The more I thought about it though the more I have heard that from different people who either have dated me or wanted to date me.  It largely seems to center around my food habits because picky would be a dramatic understatement when it comes to feeding me but there are other idiosyncrasies that make it difficult to process me I'm sure.  So in an effort to help him out and anyone else that may be interested I figured I'd delve into my psyche and kettle of weirdness and share that with you in a series of posts that will be entitled Touch the Fabric (or TTF if I'm being lazy).

As my age denotes, I was born in the seventies and that means I mostly grew up in the eighties and nineties.  I start here because it influences who I became in a multitude of ways.  I was a kid of Sesame Street, Reading Rainbow, Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, the Smurfs, Shirt Tails, Scooby Doo and the reason child locks were instituted on tvs, daytime porn on Showtime lol.  I found that out by accident one of the rare occasions my mother let me change the channel on my own.  TV went off at a certain time, there was no internet, and getting a home computer meant you had arrived in the world.  I was a military brat and while I remember friends from different cities I can't tell you much about life in Turkey or Oklahoma or Texas before we returned post my parents divorce.  Illinois I remember vividly for a mixture of good and bad reasons but what I most remember is really loving my house, two stories great bedrooms big backyard and even though I didn't eat them I thought it was cool that we had a strawberry patch in our front yard.

It's where I remember meeting my older brother, my dad's son, even though I could have met him prior to that.  You don't hear me talk about him much because he's a prick.  Before dad died I thought he was just confused and trying to sort out the things kids of divorce have to sort out but nope he's a giant prick.  It's where I remember almost losing my younger brother to a horrible asthma attack.  As much as he annoyed me, and heaven knows he did, not having him around terrified me. And that big house at the end of a block near the base and a the huge farm at the end of the street is where the first major upheaval of my life happened.  You'd think military brats have lots of upheaval and I guess in some regards that's true but those are scripted and scheduled and make sense.  My parents living in different houses forever did not make sense.  This began my push pull with concept of family, marriage and love but I'm not sure I'll get to all of that now.

Saturday, October 04, 2014

Book Review: Fantasy Heights by Meg Silver

I cannot begin to tell you how this short story collection came across my doorstep or rather my Google Nexus tablet.  I think I read a chapter as a sample after grabbing a kindle version of some bdsm themed books.  Regardless of how the stories took root in my kindle library let me just say if you want a read that keeps you entertained a touch bit on the horny side for 400 plus pages you should definitely look into the first season of Fantasy Heights.  I did say season because season two is underway but I have literally no patience for the new stories to come out piecemeal I won't be reading those until season two is completed.

Now back to the review.  We are introduced to our heroine Amanda who has just found out that her fiance has been fucking her stepsister and plans to marry the younger woman instead of her.  She stumbles upon a "wish fulfillment" firm of the highest order and quickly becomes pulled in by the lust, beautiful bodies and best of all her for her new challenges.  Having never experienced that lack of abandon I found myself smiling as she experienced things that made her feel wanton and uninhibited.  That is not to say they were tame by any stretch of the imagination but I was just happy that I never felt that limited in my sexual experiences by former partners.

She is joined by an interesting assortment of cast mates who all seem to be hiding a host of secrets that could prove to be far more than just bitchy.  The two that drive her story the most are Thomas, her trainer who seems to enjoy tormenting her, and Josh someone she initially mistakes for a bit player.  The two men are friends and very loyal to one another but find themselves captivated by Amanda for their own reasons.  I found most of that triad to be compelling and believable.  There are places where I felt like it could have been pushed in a different direction one way or the other but all of it resolves for the best.

I actually enjoyed the writing and the fact that I wasn't quite sure how it was all going to play out.  I hate when I can figure out the plot well before I get there.  I wasn't seeing one of the twists coming which made me excited from a lover of tight writing but pissed as a person who had bought into the characters but it makes sense now as this person kind of just vanished from the primary story.  Beyond the fact that it was just overall very well done and kept my attention for the weeks of my hectic schedule that it took for me to finish reading, I have to thank Meg Silver for giving me hope that there is a market out there for a string of connected short stories. 

If you need a good read and like to be challenged a bit give Fantasy Heights a try.  If all of this was available at Fantasy Island I would have bought real estate there and just prayed that my day job didn't cut into my orgasms.

Friday, October 03, 2014

These are my confessions

I normally hate bullet posts.  They feel lazy to me most days but my thoughts are all over the place yet again so it seems easier to do that and edit them as I write than try to tie together twelve tiny paragraphs.

  • I am an introverted slightly confusing attention whore.  I don't want the traditional above board multiple men lusting after me.  That always feels awkward and god knows I'm awkward enough without anything else adding to it.  But if you want me I need to have that reinforced on a semi regular basis or you become a distant idea not a current in play option.  Ideas are lovely but I am of the forgetting nice idea clan more often than not.  I like being seduced mentally over and over again.
  • I am not a switch and I am not a slave....except if you can, and I'll admit very few can, push me over that cliff of sexual desire into that place where I am just a primal nerve center reacting to your whims and wants.  If I am looking up from that cliff than you will find me a most pliable most agreeable most slavelike creature who is living solely to be the conduit of your pleasure.  This was pointed out to me after one of my horny moments exploded with what is normally kept locked away in my too nasty for words box.
  • I have yet to develop the skill set that says the right boy is the one that makes you feel x instead of y.  Part of why I have been unattached as long as I have been is because the people I have the most visceral reactions to are very rarely the men that I should be with.  Those that manage to penetrate my initial layer of protection still have to bypass my wave of doubt and repeatedly stake claim to parts of my psyche before I can finally willingly submit.
  • While I seriously doubt I will ever engage with two Doms simultaneously as I continue to serve there are days when it seems like it would be so much easier than trying to make any one Dom the center of all my confusion.  Maybe together they could manage my lust, my eagerness to learn, to be pushed, to be humiliated, to be degraded, to be hurt, to be blissful in my exhaustion.  But yeah this is a non starter for any Dom I find remotely intriguing so it will probably get tucked away into my too nasty for words box.
  • I know why my grandmother kept trying to take my Black card.  I tend to cook and be more partial to Mexican and Asian flavors than anything that would be deemed soul food.  There's nothing wrong with soul food but it's just not my go to food.
  • The fucking machine is like the best fucking invention in the world lol.  Ok maybe not but those things woosah, helps keep the too nasty for words box from spilling over.
  • I crave touch.  Sex is good but see the point above this one.  My body remembers the imprints of fingers, the pressure, the placement and the warmth.  While I may miss someone's face and smile and general presence, my body hungers for the trace of fingertips.
  • I'm pretty sure I'm a well contained mess.
That's it for now.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Places and Spaces

My brain has been all over the place late.  So many moments of indecision and confusion and brief shining moments of clarity.  There have been moments of elation, frustration, exhaustion, envy and lust but none of them have been around long enough to purge me of its friends.  They have swept in like carrion birds to pick at bits of my spirit in a rush before taking flight and leaving me battered.  It's not as if this has never happened because of course it has.  It has just never swung in and stayed so long.  It's likely partially my fault because I dipped my toes back into the world that centers me so quickly and haven't been back there in over a month.  Talking about it doesn't give my body that jolt that sends everything rushing out of my brain but the pain.  The sweet sweet pain that makes me feel ethereal and like I'm floating.  Everything else feels like a temporary escape from the daily grind that gives me an hour or two of peace and tranquility that is no where as lasting as having my flesh warmed and tight from a flogger or a belt or a hand or a well you get the point.

In some ways I still feel confused about where my role is and who I will ultimately end up following.  Don't get me wrong I know which side of the slash I belong on but I keep trying to figure out what the next man will need to do in order to fully capture my attention.  I'm no longer the young spry sub girl who was swept up by the promise of pain.  I'm also not the girl who can be controlled by the threat of pain.  I read another post and thought she's right and then not right as it applies to me.  I desperately need to trust you in order to submit to you.  When or if you break that trust I should probably save you years of frustration trying to get me back into the right head space because that will always be lingering somewhere.  But part of my brain needs to fear you.  I need to have a little tickle in my spine whenever your voice drops an octave.  My dilemma now is I'm not sure it's fair or even reasonable to expect that dichotomy in the Man I choose to serve.  It's a hard switch to pull from being my teddy bear to my tormentor but if I'm honest with myself that's what I want.  That fictionalized man inspires me to run my fingertips across my parted lips wishing waiting wanting to be forced against the wall and stripped and fucked until all that's left is my parted lips saying thank you Sir.

I'm enamored of that space.  Truthfully I've rarely been pushed to my limit.  I've used my safe word once in ten years not because I was being a strong tough girl but because I needed to.  He told me he wanted to bruise me and chocolate doesn't bruise so easily.  But that high kept me pain free for 12 hours of a 16 hour drive.  And the purple markings that appeared over the next few days made me smile.  The inability to sit down during my initial staffing meetings was a secret rush.  Being Klaire is my vanilla persona.  That Kinky tag is the real me.  I get to emerge and thrive in that space.  I miss that space.  So much.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Hunger Pains

Most days I'm an average girl
I do average girl things
I work
I sleep
I watch a bit too much tv
I may make it to the gym
I regret a few things and then remember old words of wisdom
Two tears in a bucket
Fuck it
On other days I channel the better part of me
I am inspiring
I am amazing (at least to me lol)
I am caring
I go above and beyond
I cook healthy
I bake elaborately
I dress immaculately
I work smarter, harder, with grace
But there are other days still
When I am hungry
Starving
Ravenous
No food will slake my thirst
I need to be probed
Invaded
Have my senses overwhelmed
Feel my skin manipulated
My options severely reduced
So that the only goal is to give and receive
Pure unadulterated pleasure
Those days I become a carnal
Carnivorous
Ache bound creature
Visual delights stoke the need
Aural sensations make me blush and my center go mushy
The only thing that will send me back to average girl
Is the feeling of you deep inside of me
My body convulsing around your hardness
Chest/thighs/mouth/hands all in stark contrast to the places I am soft and pliable
Invited fully into the places that just keep grasping for more of you
As wave upon wave pours out of me
Making us both slick and primal and noisy until there is silence
The only question that remains
Who is going to stop my hunger pains