i'm not superman but my brain has taken flight this evening. i hate Mondays, i tend to feel the worst getting my body geared up on Mondays. Hasn't mattered what is happening the days after or the days before me and Mondays fight. Today was no different, i felt funky last night, felt like crap this morning and almost didn't make it to my office but i had crisis coverage so like normal i drug my pain riddled butt to the office. for the most part it was a mild mannered day. one crisis, justified totally in coming in and it wasn't very long. i was looking for something that sounded kinda stupid and that led on my random train of thought phase and led to me looking up emp to see if he was still blogging or if his site was still up. to some degree it is, much like this one, even though i'll say i stop in more and to me ramble less but that is really off tangent. i scrolled through a few posts was simultaneously pleased and disappointed that i didn't seem to be mentioned and that led to me wondering when exactly he came into my world and when all that stuff imploded. The implosion appears to have been in early 2006 which means he arrived the year before which is really hard to even remember now but what can ya do. We don't always remember relationships in detail, just what can go terribly terribly wrong.
i know it was early 2006 because that's when the emails between Roaming Soldier and myself began. Not immediately but within a few months. And from early 2006 until late 2008, He had my attention and my heart. i had the same to a point but the situation being what it was He wasn't totally available in a different way than emp chose to be. Nevertheless, and without the same kind of trauma, that ended too.
Daddy had been waiting sort of for me to decide what i was going to do with RS and we started dating after that came to an end. Nearly three years later and He's still in my life but He's not here right now. He's away and we don't have a remote return date in mind. i've been going back and forth with feeling okay about that to wanting to punch Him in the head for making me wait for all of this to resolve itself. But then something came to me today as an old man, old white gentleman to be precise, aggressively hit on me as i was trying to grab some groceries and get home. i'm shopping alone and going home alone because i have perpetually chosen to wait for men to find me worthy. Does the title make more sense now? i know it's not a leap that is completely realistic but it's how i was FEELING at the time--still am. i'm single, by all legal definitions, and childless because i keep waiting for them to say that they love me and are never going to leave me. i want to be chosen in a different way than i have been thus far and i keep waiting.
And today that waiting and that aggressive old man who i think will likely be stalking me for a few weeks just pissed me off. It was made worse by Him not picking up when i called because to me, and again when you're mad you're not being totally rational, but when He calls--unless i CAN'T take the call, i always pick up. And there are very few times i can't take the call. i'm irritated. i'm cranky, lonely, and feeling quite stupid right now. Do i want the attention of a random old man? Of course not, but it would be nice to get some undivided attention and feel like the waiting wasn't pointless. Because let's face it two of the three mentioned are in the wind and i haven't heard from either in Lord only knows when.
He's gonna say i'm being unfair and i probably am. i'll cop to it, i probably am being unfair but i'm tired and i'm as i mentioned before PISSED. i just want to cuddle and complain about my ankles swelling while i cut Him the evil eye and tell my mother to go to hell if she keeps fucking with AC. i'm really tired.
on a positive note, i got a KitchenAid mixer for a fantastic deal, used it, love it and also managed to find just a gallon of peanut oil which is usually enough to fill the counter top fryer so fried turkey breast and duck it is for me. and me alone since no one is here with me.
