Clearing out the Year

Sunday, December 31, 2017 No comments
This probably won't be very long.  I've been sick as all creation for the better part of two weeks but medicine is a beautiful thing and for the last two days I've been able to breathe like a normal human and haven't been eating everything in sight (yeah prednisone) or blowing my nose so much I totally cleared out two boxes of Kleenex.  Yeah for being healthy.  Mom is a little under the weather now but I'm sure she'll be fine soon enough.

As I've felt better I've gotten back on my letting shit go kick.  That has meant going through all of the drawers in my dressers and storage crates and boxes to get rid of things I either no longer use or likely won't use in the future.  Turns out outside of some scrap booking things I can donate there wasn't a lot of extra paper to rid myself of to be honest.  Apparently I do that in waves and forget about it.  In terms of clothes though there were random things I have no idea I was holding on to.  Towels, tops, socks, stockings, gloves, underwear, really just any and everything.  I'm on my fourth bag of mostly clothes at the moment.  I'm washing other things and reorganizing what I keep.  I found my other pair of backup glasses in all the hunting in drawers, managed to wash my ohmibod little panty vibe that was caught up in some clothing or something and that seemed to do nothing to it but clean it thoroughly, found some cute things kids have given me in the past and figured out that I'm not allowed to buy anymore lingerie unless I wear what I have or get rid of some of it.  The ohmibod charged right up but I haven't used it yet lol.  If you hear of a random woman dying because her vibrator electrocuted her just laugh and say a prayer for me.

This year was good and bad and I will take it as there was more good than bad overall.  I got to travel a few times.  Work went well.  Weight was all over the place but stabilized and I'm going to bet on me getting that under control next year.  Other than that it's cold as hell out here and I wish that I lived somewhere that was almost always about 65/70 degrees overnight and no more that 95 any given day.  Warm enough to enjoy life most of the time but not so warm that you couldn't take a nice walk in the random time between blazing hot and pitch black dark.  Hope everyone is well or can get well soon.  Enjoy 2018.


You know what? I'm really tired.

Sunday, December 24, 2017 No comments
I haven't posted in a while and I could list a ton of excuses but the truth is I'm just tired.  It's been a long year and we still got another week to log before we can file in this one under: who thought anything could be worse than 2016?  I've also been sick since around my birthday which sucks but I did have a great birthday.  I'm on good meds and recovery is on the horizon.  I've been binge watching a bunch of dumb tv shows and getting salty every time I bring up the scroll and see Twilight... and get excited that it might be time for a Twilight Zone marathon only to discover it's the Twilight Saga and for fucks sake why.

Work was kinda kick ass and I have loved what happened professionally this year.  Personally well that's different.  As I get older, my tolerance for stupid is shifting.  In the past I've let stuff go when I shouldn't have because it confuses folks later when I say exactly what I've been saying in more explicit detail.  That doesn't usually go over well so yeah tolerance level is shifting.  I'm being more direct about issues when I can be and when I don't feel like it's going to derail the rest of my day.  I'm not an empath but I impacted by stress more than I'd like to be as of late.  So far it hasn't gone badly but I'm preparing for it because hell you just never know what may come up.  Closure isn't always possible, and is sometimes totally overrated, but if you need to seek and I did earlier then it's a good thing to go after.  It turned out much better than I would have anticipated so whoopee. 

Friendships are odder still for me cause as you know if you've been around here lately that my life is kinda splintered.  It may not be if other things weren't the way they were (i.e. I didn't work in a conservative state in a semi conservative profession with a dependent in tow) but yeah that's my life.  I'm waiting for someone to give me the bat signal again that they can be trusted with the whole of my life but I'm gun shy there and hell sick so not making the best decisions as it is lol.  There are a few contenders though so that's good. 

Another birthday down.  Another year of growth and learning which is always fantastic.  But I need to listen to my body and my mind more than I do and recognize when a girl just needs a nap.  It's one of those moments now.


what You never said

Sunday, October 08, 2017 2 comments
i'm making my peace with You
and it's my peace to make not Yours
i fully recognize that
You don't owe me a thing
my disappointments are my own to well own
i made You into someone that You never promised to be
You did what said and no more
sometimes maybe a little less
but You never gave me illusions of what You wanted
and in the moment i loved that
craved it
basked in the honesty of it
rational little girl could totally understand You
and what You were offering
but as the pages close on this chapter
i fully acknowledge i wanted more
i wanted my own whips and chains themed fairy tale
i wanted to never have to explain what i needed
because You always just knew
i wanted to be a pliant puppy at Your feet
i wanted to engage in every depraved fantasy
You ever dreamed up
well except that one cause nah dude
i wanted You in all of Your glory
but You never even agreed any of that was in the offing
i hear what You actually said now
and realized how i filled in the gaps
read between the lines
and allowed my hope to be stronger than my reason
You were always transparent in who and what You were
i did the exact thing i tell others not to do
i fell madly passionately deeply in love
with the potential of who i believed You could be
for me
for the seeking little girl
for the obedient mewling pup
for the desperate slut i wanted to be
alas You never even hinted that was a role You wanted to play
and i need to listen to what You never said and move on


Psst here's a secret

Sunday, September 03, 2017 2 comments
I don't always post things when I think about them originally.  Sometimes I'm trying to decide if it's worth the effort of posting cause between work and life a girl gets tired.  Other times I'm trying to figure out if by posting I might hurt someone's feelings which really no matter how we parted ways I tend to not want to do.  Every blue moon I might be worried about embarrassing myself but hell I've done that enough to not be worried about it anymore. 

So I was thinking to myself the last few days that I haven't been legitimately horny in months.  I have seen beautiful people in that time.  Interacted, well by messages, with my partners and jack squat.  Save a few weeks after I came back from Amsterdam there has been literally no burning desire in me to do anything with anyone including myself.  I used to masturbate to get to sleep sometimes and yeah that has sounded exhausting as of late and I just roll over and go to bed. 


Tears are Cleansing

Saturday, August 19, 2017 No comments
I have been busy as hell for the last three weeks.  Had another conference to attend, a brief course to teach, five solid days of meetings and somewhere in there had to get my hair done, sleep, eat and get my car repaired twice.  Par for the course it feels like over the last few months but eventually there's a moment to crash and process and sort some things out.  I'm not sure that I'm in the process or sort some things out phase or if I'm finally just admitting some things to myself.  You can't love someone hard enough that they love you back and you can't distract yourself indefinitely from that fact. 

I'd been playing a game on my tablet that let me descend into a romantic story line for a bit.  Kinda enjoyed it because I could make the main character look like me and my Prince Charming wasn't some random stock character I'd never have even pretended to be with at all.  Well that came to an end yesterday and to say it was disappointing was an understatement.  For folks that like drama it's great but for folks that don't, like myself--drama free diet since 2005, it was an epic letdown.  I didn't cry lol.  I was too tired to cry.  The tears have book ended the week though.

Earlier in the week Mr. Wolf wrote me a sweet letter that I just wasn't emotionally able to process so I wrote a short note back when I could and stopped crying cause I was just on day two of meetings.  This morning I saw something that I needed to see so that it was clear what was happening and the tears came again.  Letting go isn't the right phrase.  Recognizing you've been disposed of is likely better but may not be wholly accurate.  I'm so ridiculously tired of this cycle I can't begin to explain but tears wash away a multitude of sins. 

Please pray for Mr. Wolf's family.  He's a good man and needs that support even though he'd never ask for it.


Cliched Phrase Post

Wednesday, July 26, 2017 No comments
I'm not sure what this will be about so if you start reading buckle up buttercup cause this may take a minute.  When I first thought about writing this post a few days ago I thought about calling it The Art of Mind Fucking Me.  I mean I'm a girl who likes a good mind fuck.  Especially if you are good at it.  Good at it is subjective of course.  But as I was thinking about it what came to mind was subtlety.  In order for me to enjoy a mind fuck I have to not even really be aware that you're doing it.  Manipulating my emotions, behaviors and thoughts without me being completely conscious you're doing it is the way to make me swoon.  That method gets me to do things I'd be prone to say nope never going to do that happily even if it's cautiously explored.  It makes me desire you. Want to be better for you and at the end of the day serve you in whatever way I can. 

To be clear I can do those things without a good mind fuck but the dedication, the investment, the depth of my devotion isn't the same.  And that's probably an area I need to work on because service isn't always about falling into that crevice in my brain that gets all fired up when I've been seduced.  Yes that's the word I was missing.  A mind fuck for me is a seduction.  It discombobulates my sense of self and makes me high and that shit is magical.  I gotta work on being a better little girl when I'm not seduced or not being seduced regularly. 

The problem with seducing me, and yes there is a problem, is that if you can't maintain the energy you put out initially then eventually my brain rights itself.  It patches up the crack I kept stumbling into and sooner rather than later I am not even slightly interested in any of the old soothing words that stimulated me so.  I become vacant and that shit sucks to high heaven.  It takes so much for me to let someone in, to feel myself slip, to enjoy being displaced that my whole being says fuck that and fuck you when inevitably my seducer is distracted by their lives, next conquest, or whatever pulls them away.  I know it's going to happen so I try to enjoy the high while it lasts and then try to climb out of the whole as fast as possible later.

Subtlety is such a lost art form.


Confessions of a Fractured Romantic

Tuesday, July 11, 2017 No comments
So I've been thinking a lot since I'm not active with work right now.  I mean I still have to work cause folks won't let me be great when there are no active projects but thus is my life.  I've been more in my introverted mode than normal as I process things and people and life and love and a whole host of things.  And when I really don't want to delve into any of that I've escaped into a game on my tablet.  Well several technically as there are several little options to explore.  It's basically choose your own adventure stories for adults with just a hint of smut and romance and by hint I mean the characters get textually freaky but you ain't seeing nothing.  I've run through about 10 or so of the various stories and my brain clicked back into place a little bit. Not entirely but I will explain that in a bit.


It's Beyond Me, I Cannot Carry the Weight of the Heavy World

Saturday, June 10, 2017 2 comments
Have you ever had a moment where you just needed to cry?  Not wanted to, not forced to because of circumstances but needed to because things were broken.  Perhaps you were broken and tears were the only way to start healing.  I've talked about this before with people I'm teaching.  When you've been logical or preoccupied or just holding it together because you didn't have the support you needed to properly fall apart then sometimes you don't ge the opportunity to cry until much much later.  I remember feeling that way after my father died.  I cried that night but after that there was little time or opportunity to do so.  I had to figure out how to pay bills, arrange his funeral, let his craptacular family know, take care of his ex-wife and most importantly my younger brother.  Life sucked and as much as it sucked there was no space for me to really sit down and cry.  I didn't do that until much later when my furniture didn't show up as planned after I moved.  Then I sobbed like a big stupid baby.  But over the years I have had moments where I felt like I was back in the exact same place.