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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

I think I might be a Lust Slut

I am an odd girl sometimes.  I have these random moments of clarity that don't have any bearing on me changing things really but it helps me make peace with a new part of my persona.  Today I realized that part of my issue when it comes to settling down is I crave the excitement and intrigue of lusting after someone.  That rush keeps me addicted and interested.  It doesn't mean it will go a single solitary direction other than to bed potentially but the stimulation of my imagination keeps me in random moments of titillation.  My visual cortex gets the fire burning but if there's no brain behind the lust machine then that creates the first chink in my lust armor.  It's not insurmountable but it's definitely an issue.  I'm a very visual human but those humans never turn into more than the aforementioned fuck buddies. 

It would be incredibly interesting if they did but here's the other thing I realized tonight.  The ones I lust for.  That keep me masturbating and daydreaming and periodically wanting to lick my computer screen lol well they aren't consistent.  They ebb and flow and it depends on the day if I'm finding what they deliver as intriguing as the day before.  Don't get me wrong, I can easily be restoked by the right person and before you know it there's a little raging wildfire of lust again waiting to consume me and them.

Me in lust is a dangerous being.  I'm not easily sated or broken.  I need to be fed and I will feast on their desire.  A great big binge of energy.  And when I finally back away I feel full and high and floaty.  And that feeling while great cannot be maintained.  That level of lust would make me incapacitated if I had it constantly.  So those aren't the men, usually men, I end up with long-term.

My long-term relationships had moments of lust and passion but it wasn't an IV drip of high seeping into my body.  Those moments were great but they weren't so intense that I was chasing that emotion all day.  What I needed from them, what they gave me in spades was a constant stable rewarding encompassing feeling.  Lusty men folks give me inconsistent inferno.  My stable men gave me regular heat.  Flambe to sterno, fireworks to a floating candle.  All are bright and shiny but one always gives me more long-term.

Doesn't mean I won't daydream about those lust inducing ones from time to time though lol.  The problem really comes in with what is it I want at any given moment and honestly I would like both ideally.  But then again I'd probably end up unemployed with a sign that says will fuck you into a coma for food.  Hmmm decisions?

Sunday, November 16, 2014

My Shakespeare Fails Me

This will probably be a quick post but I had to give you an update about the writing class.  Call me a nerd but anything that I try to do I want to do better if I'm committed to it.  I've expanded my swim wardrobe over the course of eight months of lessons, invested in swim caps and goggles for example.  I bought a thicker yoga pad so my giant ass would be more comfortable on it during class than the ones they were providing.  But while I've been writing, off and on, most of my life I have never done much to improve my creative writing.  I still struggle to write when I'm not inspired to--either due to anger or lust or sadness.  I can give you heat but not always motivation.  I an give you depth of emotion but not always the why would you do that.  I knew that on one level but taking Rachel Kramer Bussel's writing class through Litreactor.com made me more aware of it and how it would really just take a few little tweaks sometimes to give you what is missing.  I was also able to see different people take the same theme in ways that I never would have daydreamed about.  I also as able to reinforce that I really do like a good mind fuck.  If you can get me there the rest of your story is a hot burning good read for me but without it I don't always connect.  I think that's true in real life as well but that's a post for another time  I wrote four new stories while class was going on.  Two ended up being connected and could spawn into something else like the Alphabet Game series.  I STILL need a good editor to help me work on those things and I need folks who can critique and still read things that may scorch your eyebrows. 

Sunday, November 02, 2014


I'm not sure how long this post will be.  Overall things are good.  I've been pretty even emotionally and physically most of the last few weeks.  Unless tired counts as an emotion and then that is definitely kicking my ass.  I am really enjoying my writing class and how each of us goes about approaching our homework assignments.  One of the stories I wrote last week I really like well both of them but for different reasons.  The one that I enjoyed the most was kinda dark and the sex was a bit on the scorching side.  I had a cacophony of male bodies dancing around my head as I was writing and all I really wanted to do was have an I Dream of Jeannie/Bewitched moment and snap the five of us, yes I said five, some where secluded and let the fantasy become reality.  This happens to me every now and then that I'm tempted to start masturbating furiously while I'm writing.  The story for today or this week did the same thing but I wanted my male lead to fuck me into the wall until I was lodged safely in it, only freed long enough to shower, be fed and fucked again.  I need a vacation damn it.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

TTF part 3: a red velvet primer

Not sure what the focus of this will be but I know there are some things you should probably know that weren't included in the first two posts.

I am a consummate tomboy.  Despite the boobs, and don't get me wrong I like no I freaking love the boobs, there are very few people that would ever describe me as prissy.  I let my hair go gray because I was tired of fighting with the dye to stay on there longer than a few weeks.  I have girly moments and there are things I can be quite girly about but in general I'd rather be watching sports and reading than practicing makeup tips.  I probably should be working on make up though for my pinup persona and when she wants to come out though lol.  I do like to cook and bake but I do as much of that from scratch as I can because it helps me relax a great deal.  And even if I don't eat it I probably would be willing to make it for you provided you take it with you and eat it at your house.

If I wasn't living the life I currently have, good life not much to complain about, I'd love to be a pinup model.  One of the thicker ones of course.  I'd be more likely to have my hair stripped of the bit of remaining pigment that is there and just go super gray.  I'm headed there slowly but that's a pain.  I could finish my tattoos and do more of the nerdy rockabilly look some days along with the smooth and classy look.  I love the clothes, especially now that I've found a few good stores to supply them without me getting excited about an older outfit that is not in my size, hell any size but 2, and not in the right color.  I'm stocking up on lingerie and dresses and just bought a new pair of shoes.  If the writing thing ever pans out you just may see me and my endowments on a pinup site.

The more interested in you I may be the less likely I am to be overt and flirty with words.  I know that sounds weird because I talk and write a LOT.  My attention tends to get very sexual and in that context I'm very verbose and ready to make any last perverted thought you've ever had materialize.  When I'm in the getting to know you phase it's a mixture of both but if I just think you're cute then I talk a LOT of shit.  It could be the tomboy thing.  It could be I'm feeling you out.  I'm not really sure but my language output is almost directly inverse to how interested I am in you.  The only modifier is if irritated with you in which case there is no telling what may come out.

I really want to travel.  Like nearly anywhere but because I'm me I'd like for it to serve more than one purpose.  Meet a friend and tour a city.  Hit a country and check out a tennis tournament.  Go to a black sand beach and watch the dolphins or whales or whatever the hell is in the area.  As long as I won't be in a ridiculous amount of danger and the chances are low that I'll be abducted and turned into a sex slave that might be a spot to check out.

I've been thinking more and more about being single as the window seems poised to close on that status whenever I'm ready for that to be the case.  I have grown a fair bit during this single phase.  I have enjoyed it and I've explored things in my brain that have never ventured there before, like having two Doms or experiencing immense pain.  Trying to mesh either with my daily life is just intriguing, no idea how to make either feasible or an actual option.  But that growth has made it so that I'm not rushing the way I used to.  I'm ready to explore some rules and guidelines with someone provided they aren't ready to propose the minute I tell them this.  Time and place for everything unless you want me to turn into a skittish rabbit (and I was born under the year of the rabbit so it COULD happen).

Despite my relationships not turning into forever prior to now, I am still hopeful that there is a romantic situation, more than likely D/s potentially poly, out there for me that will be more long term and potentially permanent.  It could be that I'm meant to be a serial monogamist because I'm afraid of what forever may look like with anyone.  Or it could be that I'm a demanding brat and no one human can entertain me long term.  Or it could be that I'm a clingy needy partner who suffocates the lust out of their partners.  That last one is less likely but shit anything is possible.  I say all that to say that I am hopeful but would not be crestfallen if I was still maintaining a series of long term but not permanent entanglements.

There are people that I have a very strong physical reaction to and I can't explain it in the slightest.  They generally have nothing in common but an immediate ringing of a bell in my brain.  It can be confidence, it can be a mental challenge, it can be someone who antagonizes the pisses out of me or it can be just a beautiful body.  Whenever I notice that I am having that reaction, I try to keep it in check.  I can get easily overwhelmed by it and want nothing more than to give myself over to it repeatedly.  This is again a time that I tend to get reticent and hide.  If you fall into the button pushing category and ask me--no really tell me cause the button pushers tend to be more directive than not--to engage with you then I'm trying to figure out how to accommodate both of our wants in the fastest and most sweat inducing way possible.

I rarely engage in my own fantasies.  Not because I wouldn't like to but I'm afraid I may break the brains of the men I am with.  I can go to a deep dark place sometimes and I'm not only unafraid but I tend to flourish in that space.  I need someone strong enough to guide me safely in and pull me out when needed.  It's an interesting trip but not for the faint of heart.  If you wouldn't be ok degrading me then you may want to skip asking me about what is on that fantasy bucket list.

Ok this is it for now.  I think it covers most everything.  If you have questions let me know.

Friday, October 10, 2014

TTF Part 2: a red velvet primer

So I left you with a snippet of where the pain may have entered into the picture.  I can say I wasn't quite sure that's what I was looking for until I wasn't playing with him anymore.  Even though it had come up with my HS boyfriend, his pain was mild and his control over me was mostly mental.  At the time I was with Tall and Lanky I knew the sex was rough, almost violent but not in a way I was shying away from.  I knew he was a tinge on the unhinged side when sex was good.  He enjoyed me because no matter how long we were fucking I stayed wet and I didn't complain about the size of his dick.  I could see how others might.  It's a little disorienting having an arm like appendage invade your nether regions but once you adjusted it I swear to high heavens it was like his dick became a bludgeoning force of pain and pleasure that sent my mind off into lala land.  I met him by accident but he essentially kidnapped me the first night we had sex and the next day as I was trying to walk home I realized my normal hip switching had been fucked out me.  I was hooked as I smiled at the realization.  The more we had sex the more he tried to hurt me with his dick, fucking me trying to get me to deep throat that monstrosity.  And if I hit a particular spot when pleasing him he would reach back and smack my ass like there was a target on it.  Just so we're clear--LOVED IT.  When we played with others he encouraged them to hurt me as well and while a quick ass smack is nice they didn't have the same impact when they were coming from anyone but him.  He connected all the moving parts in my brain and if he hadn't been such a man whore I would have been devoted to him for quite a while longer than I was.  As it stands it was a good thing that I didn't remain his hapless lust slave.  I had so many more slutty adventures ahead of me.  And while most were wholly satisfying on a physical gratuitous level but that hole I mentioned in the last post was just beginning to grow.

Sunday, October 05, 2014

Touch the Fabric Part 1: A red velvet primer

Mr. Wolf has joked with me repeatedly that he needs a primer to understand all the weird things that are comprised inside of me.  The more I thought about it though the more I have heard that from different people who either have dated me or wanted to date me.  It largely seems to center around my food habits because picky would be a dramatic understatement when it comes to feeding me but there are other idiosyncrasies that make it difficult to process me I'm sure.  So in an effort to help him out and anyone else that may be interested I figured I'd delve into my psyche and kettle of weirdness and share that with you in a series of posts that will be entitled Touch the Fabric (or TTF if I'm being lazy).

As my age denotes, I was born in the seventies and that means I mostly grew up in the eighties and nineties.  I start here because it influences who I became in a multitude of ways.  I was a kid of Sesame Street, Reading Rainbow, Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, the Smurfs, Shirt Tails, Scooby Doo and the reason child locks were instituted on tvs, daytime porn on Showtime lol.  I found that out by accident one of the rare occasions my mother let me change the channel on my own.  TV went off at a certain time, there was no internet, and getting a home computer meant you had arrived in the world.  I was a military brat and while I remember friends from different cities I can't tell you much about life in Turkey or Oklahoma or Texas before we returned post my parents divorce.  Illinois I remember vividly for a mixture of good and bad reasons but what I most remember is really loving my house, two stories great bedrooms big backyard and even though I didn't eat them I thought it was cool that we had a strawberry patch in our front yard.

It's where I remember meeting my older brother, my dad's son, even though I could have met him prior to that.  You don't hear me talk about him much because he's a prick.  Before dad died I thought he was just confused and trying to sort out the things kids of divorce have to sort out but nope he's a giant prick.  It's where I remember almost losing my younger brother to a horrible asthma attack.  As much as he annoyed me, and heaven knows he did, not having him around terrified me. And that big house at the end of a block near the base and a the huge farm at the end of the street is where the first major upheaval of my life happened.  You'd think military brats have lots of upheaval and I guess in some regards that's true but those are scripted and scheduled and make sense.  My parents living in different houses forever did not make sense.  This began my push pull with concept of family, marriage and love but I'm not sure I'll get to all of that now.

Saturday, October 04, 2014

Book Review: Fantasy Heights by Meg Silver

I cannot begin to tell you how this short story collection came across my doorstep or rather my Google Nexus tablet.  I think I read a chapter as a sample after grabbing a kindle version of some bdsm themed books.  Regardless of how the stories took root in my kindle library let me just say if you want a read that keeps you entertained a touch bit on the horny side for 400 plus pages you should definitely look into the first season of Fantasy Heights.  I did say season because season two is underway but I have literally no patience for the new stories to come out piecemeal I won't be reading those until season two is completed.

Now back to the review.  We are introduced to our heroine Amanda who has just found out that her fiance has been fucking her stepsister and plans to marry the younger woman instead of her.  She stumbles upon a "wish fulfillment" firm of the highest order and quickly becomes pulled in by the lust, beautiful bodies and best of all her for her new challenges.  Having never experienced that lack of abandon I found myself smiling as she experienced things that made her feel wanton and uninhibited.  That is not to say they were tame by any stretch of the imagination but I was just happy that I never felt that limited in my sexual experiences by former partners.

She is joined by an interesting assortment of cast mates who all seem to be hiding a host of secrets that could prove to be far more than just bitchy.  The two that drive her story the most are Thomas, her trainer who seems to enjoy tormenting her, and Josh someone she initially mistakes for a bit player.  The two men are friends and very loyal to one another but find themselves captivated by Amanda for their own reasons.  I found most of that triad to be compelling and believable.  There are places where I felt like it could have been pushed in a different direction one way or the other but all of it resolves for the best.

I actually enjoyed the writing and the fact that I wasn't quite sure how it was all going to play out.  I hate when I can figure out the plot well before I get there.  I wasn't seeing one of the twists coming which made me excited from a lover of tight writing but pissed as a person who had bought into the characters but it makes sense now as this person kind of just vanished from the primary story.  Beyond the fact that it was just overall very well done and kept my attention for the weeks of my hectic schedule that it took for me to finish reading, I have to thank Meg Silver for giving me hope that there is a market out there for a string of connected short stories. 

If you need a good read and like to be challenged a bit give Fantasy Heights a try.  If all of this was available at Fantasy Island I would have bought real estate there and just prayed that my day job didn't cut into my orgasms.