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Sunday, December 21, 2014

TTF part 6: a red velvet primer

This easily could have just been a poem or stream of consciousness post but it seems to make sense to tie this into the primer series.  This is about cravings.  Specifically my cravings.  I don't crave much truthfully.  A well cooked steak when I'm tired and don't want to cook.  Sugar when I am a bit stressed out.  Peace and quiet when I get home so that I can walk around naked again.  Ahh that would be fantastic but I digress.  It really doesn't take much to keep me happy.  Good conversation, good sex, good sense of humor, good at making me hurt, good at repairing that hurt.  I'm really a basic girl except in one sense.

If you manage to catch my attention then I need you to try to keep it.  I'm mentioned being a lust slut before but I really do crave your want of me.  It feeds a tiny little part of my brain that is all girl.  The part that gets giddy and grins and girlish.  That part wants to hear all the demented little things you want to do to her.  That part wants to hear how much you miss my lips on your neck or lips or thighs or dick.  That part wants to know that thinking about what you could do to makes your dick explode when you're alone.  That part wants a lot but to be clear I need it on one level too.  It keeps my imagination firing and that is always a good thing for you.  I can get bored easily, really too easily upon occasion, and when you feed that craving for me I am ever so obedient and well just a touch on the slutty side.  I can write you inspired smut, go hunting for outfits to match what's in my brain and choreograph naughty strip tease routines to songs only I hear in a sexual way.  I want to be the best little girl I can be for you but that need lingers.  I'm amazed at who I become and what I am capable of doing when I'm sated in that way.  I'd love for you to be sated as a result.  The only question that remains is what can you serve me to make sure that I delight in serving you?

Sunday, December 14, 2014

TTF part 5: a red velvet primer

I have been contemplating this post for a few days.  Things have taken a turn this weekend that made it more prevalent to put fingers to keyboard and try to express my thoughts.  I have stated before that I have not done poly prior to now.  I have said repeatedly it's because I have a bit of jealously when it comes to sharing my partner and that may partially be true but there's something else in there too.  Dealing with women on an interpersonal level can be tiring.  Someone on Fetlife shared a post the other day and that helped form my thoughts in one way.  You definitely have to be wanting to be involved with whomever your Dominant brings into your dynamic otherwise eventually your insecurities and frustrations and general ambivalence to her presence will overrule your desire to serve.  Even when I've imagined having more than one Dom I wouldn't have called it poly in the traditional sense (that's an oxymoron of epic proportions I know, traditional poly ha).  You could call one more of a play partner if you wanted but I envision them as independent relationships with different parameters and needs being met.  So admitting that to myself I think it would be even harder for me to do a long term poly relationship.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

The Struggle is Ever Present

I am struggling to figure out what what I want to be doing and when and where right now.   I am happier than I have been right now in a lot of ways.  Work is good, my long suffering stomach is mellowed the hell out, I have clicked with a trainer, I'm losing weight, I'm in a good place with most of my family (mom is always a work in progress) and there are romantic options available.  Sounds great right?  Well sort of.  I love what I do at work but I was apparently not up for the next round of workplace politics.  The stomach issues have been mildly replaced with lady part issues even though that may be wrapped up now.  Weight loss is great but I've been safe in the larger body so long I'm not sure what I'm going to do in the smaller one and then there's the romance end of things. 

The best options are not close and not even the same kind of person.  I like strong personalities because I need one that can make mine submit.  If it feels like I can overrun you at all then it won't work.  I don't top from the bottom and I like to slip into a submissive head space pretty quickly when we are together.  We can joke and shoot the breeze but when it's go time I don't want to be struggling with how to help you get me to the base of submissive mountain.  So yes strong men are a necessity but I like intelligent men even more.  You can't be all "I am Groot" with me and I submit to you either.  There has to be some good conversation on a variety of things outside of what you would like to do to me in bed.  Give me a book I should check out.  Help me develop a deeper understanding of a subject.  Teach me a foreign language--ok that may be asking a bit much so yeah it would be cool but not a requirement.  There's this other thing I like but if I'm even more honest having it tends to be a double edged sword.  When I have it, there are all these fireworks and machinations happening in my brain that make me tingle when I even think about that person.  But that person tends to know that and they can push any and all buttons at their will.  Being that susceptible to someone's desires is dangerous.  At least for me it can be dangerous.  But that spark when it happens makes me act like an addict and I'm willing to do all manner of stupid things to get another hit.  Thankfully that's not really in play now because if it was this blog may have a new physical location as I was forced to relocate my being to be at the knees of the person who generated that longing.

So I am enjoying multiple phases of my life and that I'm being allowed to slowly explore where I want to be but part of my brain keeps dancing back and forth between single is better because as I've learned more about myself I know the slide isn't too far off for me anymore.  I mean heck Mr. Wolf made me cry, a LOT, and that never ever happens.  Then I go but hey the pain is good and they really want to hurt you.  That makes me think of other things too though.  Why are there options for me to choose from?  There are very rarely options for me to choose from ever.  Maybe I'm all goofy and splintered and thus attractive to folks who have nothing in common but the desire to push my pain tolerance into overdrive.  And then I start yet another conversation.  I could be really happy with anyone on the radar.  There are pros and cons to each avenue I pursued but isn't that normally how it works?  So even when I'm happy and things are clicking I struggle to find my place and what makes sense. 

I will figure it out one day right?

Saturday, December 06, 2014

What's up Buttercup?

So it's Saturday night and I'm chilling yet again.  Not a poor me post I'm actually glad to be relaxing right now.  I hit four of my five workouts this week, took mom to the doctor and shopping and even when she got annoying I managed to not leave her on the curb anywhere lol.  I have booked two trips for my personal or professional development between now and May and as soon as I can schedule a third one I shall do that as well.  There's another that is more work based but I'll enjoy my time away all the same.  I need to get my mother up and running on some vacations of her own but we'll see how that goes.  All things considered my life is going well.  Thanks to Mr. Wolf I get some play time in much more often than I have in recent years.  He's a treat most days.  Other days I worry about him.  I'm sure he worries about me some days as well though.  I'm writing again and I may have something to share soon.  And someone may need to revive that write the story with me episode.  She's still unconscious if I remember correctly.

Other than that we are in the first wave of it's cold for no damn reason.  At least for the moment it's confined to cold rain and not snow but that will be on tap again soon.  Allegedly it will be as bad as last winter but that would make red very unhappy so let's hope not.  At least this winter I have the fucking machine so I guess it wouldn't be AS bad as last winter when I couldn't get off and was stuck inside.  I'm sorry if you already have snow but please keep it.  This is one time you could be a fantastic friend by not sharing. 

A few more weeks and then I get a legitimate break before another busy semester starts.  Maybe I'll be able to finish my book.  I missed my friend Lestat and haven't had nearly enough time to digest him lately.

What's going on with you kinky people?

Sunday, November 23, 2014

TTF part 4: a red velvet primer

So we have journeyed around a variety of things about me and thankfully no one has asked me anything that I haven't been able to answer.  I'm not sure what this post will turn into but what it was sparked by was the concept of wanting and its juxtaposition against a need.  I want a lot of things, which I will enumerate shortly, but I need very little.  And I can say that because in this context I consider need very literally: I need air, I need food, I need sleep (don't get nearly enough of that), I need money to pay bills.  Needs are necessities to my mind and without them you cannot function.  Now emotionally I am CAPABLE of being so connected to someone that it FEELS as if I won't function without them but rationally I am still breathing so I've continued to prove that idea to be invalid for me. 

Why does that matter?  Well it has come up in my relationships that I don't NEED my partners and for some of them that has made them question our relationship.  It was another one of those ways that I was an atypical girl person and it bit me in the ass.  I didn't need my HS ex after I moved away to college.  He didn't say it outright but the women he sought out while I was gone, we had an open relationship to some degree, were of the needy type.  He could come in and be a hero, savior, fixer, whatever they needed that I decidedly did not need from him.  It was both frustrating and funny at the time.  These were not women he would have sought out had there not been the foil of me in his life.  They were women who he routinely ridiculed, women like them more than the women themselves, because of their failure to be independent.  But because of the lack of that need emanating from me he chased them down all the same.

He wasn't the only man in my life to mention that lack of need which I don't think I really took a hard look at until this weekend.  I lust, I want, I desire but rarely do I need.  Even as sit here now and think about my pursuit of a new D/s relationship I have said that I need the right Dom to guide me.  In practical terms I won't fall apart without that coming into place but I can also say that I want it passionately.  I would greatly like to see what my submission could be molded into with the right person taking the helm.  I want to be able to surrender to my most depraved imaginings and see what comes to pass when and if I make it back out.  I crave it enough that it feels like a need but I am painfully aware that it will take all of my inhibitions being overwhelmed in order for me to to even consider it.

There are a million wants and still not much more than I started with in terms of needs.  As promised here are a list wants but things that aren't quite needs.

  1. I would like to be owned again
  2. I would like to be used and left a sniveling mess
  3. I would like to be more active in the scene
  4. I would like to play around in some of my more intense fantasies
  5. I would like to vacation more
  6. I would like to stamp my passport
  7. I would like to have an orgasm at will just because it will help me relax and get on with my day
  8. I would like to be the epitome of someone's submissive desires come to life
  9. I would like to sit with Prince and talk about anything
  10. I would like to eat pasta constantly and still lose weight
  11. I would like to make my hair behave
  12. I would like to not become horny during a good rain storm, that shit is annoying sometimes
  13. I would like to fall in love again
  14. I would like to find an equal partner
  15. I would like to just find peace

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Human Sexuality Map

Found this on fetlife.  I'm sure there is stuff that is missing but I thought it was intriguing.  Green pins mean I tried it and liked it.  Red pins mean I tried it and didn't like it at all and purple pins are for things I still want to try. 

Find out where I've journeyed
on the Map of Human Sexuality!
Or get your own here!

Friday, November 21, 2014

Censoring Myself?!?!?

That title will sound crazy.  After I all, I own this domain, have been writing for a VERY long time using it and at the moment am single so why would censorship even be something on my mind at the moment.  Well I'll tell you why lol.  Most of the time that I have had this blog I've been in a relationship with someone.  Very rarely have I been good and single and when I was I was trying to be mindful of not beating up on my former partners.  Now that may not have been accomplished but it was my attempt at the time.

Now that I've been single for a while and am "dating" in the D/s sense then it's been a balancing act for me on what to share about whom and when.  If I spend a long weekend with a potential Dom do I discuss that here or leave those memories for just the two of us?  If I have a particularly flirty conversation with another potential Dom do I enjoy the wet panties or do I gush in the figurative sense about it?  Really it's never been an issue before because there was ONE person interested and I could sort out if it was a good fit or not. 

My time in singlehood has taught me a few things as well.  While I can identify who I am now much better in terms of what I hope to represent as a submissive, I can't say that those disparate parts would fit with any Dom that would be interested in me.  For example, one may respond more to my playful babygirl side while another may be enamored of my wanton slutty side and yet another may be fascinated by the nerdy side that slips into either one of those other two aspects.  And if I am perfectly honest those parts of me respond to each of them differently.  One of them makes me giggle and feels safe and I want to make him happy when we're together and keep him calm when we're not.  Another has the ability to tap into my brain in ways I have fully not understood or experienced.  I have great conversations with all of them but one surprises me repeatedly.  And there's others I just like looking at because visually they give me this completely physical rush that makes me borderline whorish.  I'm glad they don't live near me, any of them honestly, because having those energies fired back up this year has left me out of sorts more than once.  There was a point in time I considered begging them to find a way to meld into one super Dom lol or develop a system by which I could serve them all.  I know that's not really possible even in the most ideal of lives because ultimately I do want to be owned and serve a Dom not six (just to be clear there are not six in play at all, due somewhat to what I mentioned in my last post there is really just one with some floaters who continue to intrigue me).

I still don't have an answer to my own question.  Sharing this tonight is more than I've done in a while with regards to how I see the pursuit back into a long term commitment.  I can envision what I want and I see a lot of it within the people I am interacting with now.  It's not 100 percent in anyone but it never is.  The question that remains is whether what is missing can be learned or can be learned to live without?  That will still take more time to figure out but I hope to continuing to enjoy the process to get back to a stable point.  I am amazed at how much I've learned about myself in the last few months and how much more secure I feel in my submission thanks to the interactions I've had since I came out of my self imposed sabbatical. 

What do you do as you sort out your feelings on issues or people?