when she feels like breaking

Sunday, April 15, 2018 No comments
there are moments when she just feels like stopping and screaming and saying fuck it and wouldn't life just be easier if she could.  she knows she can't.  people depend on her to not sleep, juggle twelve projects, find a way from no way, be perpetually functional, sarcastic and supportive.  it doesn't mean she doesn't want to and that reaching out for help won't make it better.  mostly cause she doesn't know what she needs besides the ability to stop for a moment.  to do nothing substantial or significant or serious.  instead she sighs deeply, crises in the shower as needed, takes random moments for self-care and dream crazy dreams when her mind slows down enough to do so.  she thought about leaning on him but realizes no him has ever really provided what she needed in that moment.  no one has in nearly seventeen years.  it's not their fault, they love her and want to make her smile but there's no time for that, she just needs to be.  so when she feels like breaking she must find the superglue and do a quick patch job.  there's not room or space for more than a crack and repair.

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Just a flash

Sunday, April 08, 2018 No comments
You know I've been busy but I've had about fifty million things I could tell you that I haven't thus far.  No big reason for it but because sometimes when I'm not feeling fully engaged with D/s or being sexual I have no connection to this spot.  I have been thinking about a post for the last few weeks because my brain keeps having flashes of being pushed up against a wall or folded up in half on my bed and I'm being fucked hard.  My mind is blank and happy.  I make no attempts to touch the person having sex with me, call their name or do more than just enjoy the moment.  Having said that it's clearly not anyone I know.  Just a flash of a moment.  I don't even get close to having an orgasm and I've made no moves to force an orgasm after the flash ends.  I'm not sure I'm even horny during the flash but it's pleasant and then it's over. 

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Random Sunday Musings

Sunday, March 04, 2018 No comments
This is going to be all over the place and I can't promise it will make a bit of sense lol.  I booted this up to write something yesterday but nothing came to mind.  Today as I was prepping to do the dishes after lunch I saw a clip for Seeking Sister Wife and said what the hell.  Before I get there though as I came back to my bedroom to continue to watch the train wreck I saw a commercial for Popeye's in which she was clowning other folks and their seafood selection.  Like for real you make chicken and it's delicious chicken but I don't want any of y'all making me fish or shrimp unless your name is Long John's and I haven't been up in that piece in a hot minute.  Stop playing fast food just stop it.

So the rest of these thoughts are just randomly about the show and things that made me concerned because well hell they were concerning.  As someone who has been in a polyamorous relationship I know it takes effort and it's not for everyone.  Hell I'm not always sure it's right for me but that's for another time.  I also know that cameras can highlight flaws that you may not be aware of until you watch them back yourself later with a more objective lens.  That's why you won't see me letting folks follow me around with cameras.  I'm a hot mess lol.

  • One of the chicks who is being considered as a potential sister wife said her primary reasons for wanting to explore the idea of polygamy was because of her childhood.  She'd be on her own since she was 14 and is missing a family as well as she can't have children of her own so the fact that there were already seven kids was ideal.  Danger danger Will Robinson.  You need therapy and then to adopt this is not your mission.  At the end of her episode when she should have arrived she stood them up so maybe her friend talked some sense into her.
  •  The other potential wife featured in the episode I finished watching is super young like at least 10 years younger than the couple. They meet her and she's saying the right things but all I'm seeing is she shady.  Don't ask me why cause I can't tell you but she seems shady.  When they asked her how she thought the initial meeting went she didn't talk about the wife in the couple at all, just the husband and how attractive she was.  I'm telling you shit is about to pop off there.
  • One of the families is imploding cause the wives are bickering and the husband is much too chill to intervene and like all of y'all need to play nice.  First wife is on her anniversary weekend, bad things will ensue.
  • I'm probably going to turn off the channel because it's a clusterfuck of things that are about to pop off.  And it's making me have flashbacks of 50 shades, just about polygamy, which is never good.  But before I do I need to watch him explain being in violation of rules they set.
So poly people don't have a spokesman right?  Most understanding of polygamy comes from the Mormons who have a certain take on it to be sure.  And while there are clearly folks who aren't Mormon engaging in polygamous relationships they aren't very public so how it looks for the rest of the universe may be vastly different.  I couldn't be a sister wife primarily because I have no desire to be a wife.  There are days when I let myself daydream about being swept up into the romance of it all but really I don't think I have the patience for it.  And then there's the whole issue of him being the person who has multiple partners and me just kinda going with it.  Polygamy is meh for me.  Polyandry could be better but I'm not sure that I want to be the focal point of multiple relationships either.  I don't wanna have kids, well I don't want to have them at my age, it's not a motivation for a marriage.  I envisioned myself as a stepmother but that still requires a marriage.  All of this is rambling.  I think I'm ultimately always wondering why the intrusion of cameras are worth the little bit of understanding that could be gained from doing these kinds of shows. 

I totally understand that I'm probably more freakishly concerned about my privacy than other people are some days but I think it's mostly because I don't want to pony up my privacy for education, fame, etc.  Within certain contexts I don't have a choice.  Folks know what I do for work and can judge me accordingly but when it comes to my love life, or lack thereof some days, what I do is ultimately no one's business but my own.  Still watching, not proud of myself, would love some chocolate or an emapanada or both.


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It's been a minute

Saturday, February 24, 2018 No comments
My bad folks.  For the few of you still hanging out and looking for content my work life has overrun almost everything else.  It's a good overrun in that several projects are coming to fruition and ideas are being received well.  It's left me little time to process anything and I honestly haven't been feeling connected to BDSM much lately.  It's my ongoing struggle.  Am I actually submissive?  Am I too finicky to really be a good submissive to anyone?  Do I question things too much to be a good partner period?  I don't have answers right now. I do have a back that feels much better post massage so let's go with that for now.  Hope everyone is well.

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Clearing out the Year

Sunday, December 31, 2017 No comments
This probably won't be very long.  I've been sick as all creation for the better part of two weeks but medicine is a beautiful thing and for the last two days I've been able to breathe like a normal human and haven't been eating everything in sight (yeah prednisone) or blowing my nose so much I totally cleared out two boxes of Kleenex.  Yeah for being healthy.  Mom is a little under the weather now but I'm sure she'll be fine soon enough.

As I've felt better I've gotten back on my letting shit go kick.  That has meant going through all of the drawers in my dressers and storage crates and boxes to get rid of things I either no longer use or likely won't use in the future.  Turns out outside of some scrap booking things I can donate there wasn't a lot of extra paper to rid myself of to be honest.  Apparently I do that in waves and forget about it.  In terms of clothes though there were random things I have no idea I was holding on to.  Towels, tops, socks, stockings, gloves, underwear, really just any and everything.  I'm on my fourth bag of mostly clothes at the moment.  I'm washing other things and reorganizing what I keep.  I found my other pair of backup glasses in all the hunting in drawers, managed to wash my ohmibod little panty vibe that was caught up in some clothing or something and that seemed to do nothing to it but clean it thoroughly, found some cute things kids have given me in the past and figured out that I'm not allowed to buy anymore lingerie unless I wear what I have or get rid of some of it.  The ohmibod charged right up but I haven't used it yet lol.  If you hear of a random woman dying because her vibrator electrocuted her just laugh and say a prayer for me.

This year was good and bad and I will take it as there was more good than bad overall.  I got to travel a few times.  Work went well.  Weight was all over the place but stabilized and I'm going to bet on me getting that under control next year.  Other than that it's cold as hell out here and I wish that I lived somewhere that was almost always about 65/70 degrees overnight and no more that 95 any given day.  Warm enough to enjoy life most of the time but not so warm that you couldn't take a nice walk in the random time between blazing hot and pitch black dark.  Hope everyone is well or can get well soon.  Enjoy 2018.


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You know what? I'm really tired.

Sunday, December 24, 2017 No comments
I haven't posted in a while and I could list a ton of excuses but the truth is I'm just tired.  It's been a long year and we still got another week to log before we can file in this one under: who thought anything could be worse than 2016?  I've also been sick since around my birthday which sucks but I did have a great birthday.  I'm on good meds and recovery is on the horizon.  I've been binge watching a bunch of dumb tv shows and getting salty every time I bring up the scroll and see Twilight... and get excited that it might be time for a Twilight Zone marathon only to discover it's the Twilight Saga and for fucks sake why.

Work was kinda kick ass and I have loved what happened professionally this year.  Personally well that's different.  As I get older, my tolerance for stupid is shifting.  In the past I've let stuff go when I shouldn't have because it confuses folks later when I say exactly what I've been saying in more explicit detail.  That doesn't usually go over well so yeah tolerance level is shifting.  I'm being more direct about issues when I can be and when I don't feel like it's going to derail the rest of my day.  I'm not an empath but I impacted by stress more than I'd like to be as of late.  So far it hasn't gone badly but I'm preparing for it because hell you just never know what may come up.  Closure isn't always possible, and is sometimes totally overrated, but if you need to seek and I did earlier then it's a good thing to go after.  It turned out much better than I would have anticipated so whoopee. 

Friendships are odder still for me cause as you know if you've been around here lately that my life is kinda splintered.  It may not be if other things weren't the way they were (i.e. I didn't work in a conservative state in a semi conservative profession with a dependent in tow) but yeah that's my life.  I'm waiting for someone to give me the bat signal again that they can be trusted with the whole of my life but I'm gun shy there and hell sick so not making the best decisions as it is lol.  There are a few contenders though so that's good. 

Another birthday down.  Another year of growth and learning which is always fantastic.  But I need to listen to my body and my mind more than I do and recognize when a girl just needs a nap.  It's one of those moments now.

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what You never said

Sunday, October 08, 2017 2 comments
i'm making my peace with You
and it's my peace to make not Yours
i fully recognize that
You don't owe me a thing
my disappointments are my own to well own
i made You into someone that You never promised to be
You did what said and no more
sometimes maybe a little less
but You never gave me illusions of what You wanted
and in the moment i loved that
craved it
basked in the honesty of it
rational little girl could totally understand You
and what You were offering
but as the pages close on this chapter
i fully acknowledge i wanted more
i wanted my own whips and chains themed fairy tale
i wanted to never have to explain what i needed
because You always just knew
i wanted to be a pliant puppy at Your feet
i wanted to engage in every depraved fantasy
You ever dreamed up
well except that one cause nah dude
i wanted You in all of Your glory
but You never even agreed any of that was in the offing
i hear what You actually said now
and realized how i filled in the gaps
read between the lines
and allowed my hope to be stronger than my reason
You were always transparent in who and what You were
i did the exact thing i tell others not to do
i fell madly passionately deeply in love
with the potential of who i believed You could be
for me
for the seeking little girl
for the obedient mewling pup
for the desperate slut i wanted to be
alas You never even hinted that was a role You wanted to play
and i need to listen to what You never said and move on

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Psst here's a secret

Sunday, September 03, 2017 1 comment
I don't always post things when I think about them originally.  Sometimes I'm trying to decide if it's worth the effort of posting cause between work and life a girl gets tired.  Other times I'm trying to figure out if by posting I might hurt someone's feelings which really no matter how we parted ways I tend to not want to do.  Every blue moon I might be worried about embarrassing myself but hell I've done that enough to not be worried about it anymore. 

So I was thinking to myself the last few days that I haven't been legitimately horny in months.  I have seen beautiful people in that time.  Interacted, well by messages, with my partners and jack squat.  Save a few weeks after I came back from Amsterdam there has been literally no burning desire in me to do anything with anyone including myself.  I used to masturbate to get to sleep sometimes and yeah that has sounded exhausting as of late and I just roll over and go to bed. 


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