what You never said

Sunday, October 08, 2017 2 comments
i'm making my peace with You
and it's my peace to make not Yours
i fully recognize that
You don't owe me a thing
my disappointments are my own to well own
i made You into someone that You never promised to be
You did what said and no more
sometimes maybe a little less
but You never gave me illusions of what You wanted
and in the moment i loved that
craved it
basked in the honesty of it
rational little girl could totally understand You
and what You were offering
but as the pages close on this chapter
i fully acknowledge i wanted more
i wanted my own whips and chains themed fairy tale
i wanted to never have to explain what i needed
because You always just knew
i wanted to be a pliant puppy at Your feet
i wanted to engage in every depraved fantasy
You ever dreamed up
well except that one cause nah dude
i wanted You in all of Your glory
but You never even agreed any of that was in the offing
i hear what You actually said now
and realized how i filled in the gaps
read between the lines
and allowed my hope to be stronger than my reason
You were always transparent in who and what You were
i did the exact thing i tell others not to do
i fell madly passionately deeply in love
with the potential of who i believed You could be
for me
for the seeking little girl
for the obedient mewling pup
for the desperate slut i wanted to be
alas You never even hinted that was a role You wanted to play
and i need to listen to what You never said and move on


Psst here's a secret

Sunday, September 03, 2017 2 comments
I don't always post things when I think about them originally.  Sometimes I'm trying to decide if it's worth the effort of posting cause between work and life a girl gets tired.  Other times I'm trying to figure out if by posting I might hurt someone's feelings which really no matter how we parted ways I tend to not want to do.  Every blue moon I might be worried about embarrassing myself but hell I've done that enough to not be worried about it anymore. 

So I was thinking to myself the last few days that I haven't been legitimately horny in months.  I have seen beautiful people in that time.  Interacted, well by messages, with my partners and jack squat.  Save a few weeks after I came back from Amsterdam there has been literally no burning desire in me to do anything with anyone including myself.  I used to masturbate to get to sleep sometimes and yeah that has sounded exhausting as of late and I just roll over and go to bed. 


Tears are Cleansing

Saturday, August 19, 2017 No comments
I have been busy as hell for the last three weeks.  Had another conference to attend, a brief course to teach, five solid days of meetings and somewhere in there had to get my hair done, sleep, eat and get my car repaired twice.  Par for the course it feels like over the last few months but eventually there's a moment to crash and process and sort some things out.  I'm not sure that I'm in the process or sort some things out phase or if I'm finally just admitting some things to myself.  You can't love someone hard enough that they love you back and you can't distract yourself indefinitely from that fact. 

I'd been playing a game on my tablet that let me descend into a romantic story line for a bit.  Kinda enjoyed it because I could make the main character look like me and my Prince Charming wasn't some random stock character I'd never have even pretended to be with at all.  Well that came to an end yesterday and to say it was disappointing was an understatement.  For folks that like drama it's great but for folks that don't, like myself--drama free diet since 2005, it was an epic letdown.  I didn't cry lol.  I was too tired to cry.  The tears have book ended the week though.

Earlier in the week Mr. Wolf wrote me a sweet letter that I just wasn't emotionally able to process so I wrote a short note back when I could and stopped crying cause I was just on day two of meetings.  This morning I saw something that I needed to see so that it was clear what was happening and the tears came again.  Letting go isn't the right phrase.  Recognizing you've been disposed of is likely better but may not be wholly accurate.  I'm so ridiculously tired of this cycle I can't begin to explain but tears wash away a multitude of sins. 

Please pray for Mr. Wolf's family.  He's a good man and needs that support even though he'd never ask for it.


Cliched Phrase Post

Wednesday, July 26, 2017 No comments
I'm not sure what this will be about so if you start reading buckle up buttercup cause this may take a minute.  When I first thought about writing this post a few days ago I thought about calling it The Art of Mind Fucking Me.  I mean I'm a girl who likes a good mind fuck.  Especially if you are good at it.  Good at it is subjective of course.  But as I was thinking about it what came to mind was subtlety.  In order for me to enjoy a mind fuck I have to not even really be aware that you're doing it.  Manipulating my emotions, behaviors and thoughts without me being completely conscious you're doing it is the way to make me swoon.  That method gets me to do things I'd be prone to say nope never going to do that happily even if it's cautiously explored.  It makes me desire you. Want to be better for you and at the end of the day serve you in whatever way I can. 

To be clear I can do those things without a good mind fuck but the dedication, the investment, the depth of my devotion isn't the same.  And that's probably an area I need to work on because service isn't always about falling into that crevice in my brain that gets all fired up when I've been seduced.  Yes that's the word I was missing.  A mind fuck for me is a seduction.  It discombobulates my sense of self and makes me high and that shit is magical.  I gotta work on being a better little girl when I'm not seduced or not being seduced regularly. 

The problem with seducing me, and yes there is a problem, is that if you can't maintain the energy you put out initially then eventually my brain rights itself.  It patches up the crack I kept stumbling into and sooner rather than later I am not even slightly interested in any of the old soothing words that stimulated me so.  I become vacant and that shit sucks to high heaven.  It takes so much for me to let someone in, to feel myself slip, to enjoy being displaced that my whole being says fuck that and fuck you when inevitably my seducer is distracted by their lives, next conquest, or whatever pulls them away.  I know it's going to happen so I try to enjoy the high while it lasts and then try to climb out of the whole as fast as possible later.

Subtlety is such a lost art form.


Confessions of a Fractured Romantic

Tuesday, July 11, 2017 No comments
So I've been thinking a lot since I'm not active with work right now.  I mean I still have to work cause folks won't let me be great when there are no active projects but thus is my life.  I've been more in my introverted mode than normal as I process things and people and life and love and a whole host of things.  And when I really don't want to delve into any of that I've escaped into a game on my tablet.  Well several technically as there are several little options to explore.  It's basically choose your own adventure stories for adults with just a hint of smut and romance and by hint I mean the characters get textually freaky but you ain't seeing nothing.  I've run through about 10 or so of the various stories and my brain clicked back into place a little bit. Not entirely but I will explain that in a bit.


It's Beyond Me, I Cannot Carry the Weight of the Heavy World

Saturday, June 10, 2017 2 comments
Have you ever had a moment where you just needed to cry?  Not wanted to, not forced to because of circumstances but needed to because things were broken.  Perhaps you were broken and tears were the only way to start healing.  I've talked about this before with people I'm teaching.  When you've been logical or preoccupied or just holding it together because you didn't have the support you needed to properly fall apart then sometimes you don't ge the opportunity to cry until much much later.  I remember feeling that way after my father died.  I cried that night but after that there was little time or opportunity to do so.  I had to figure out how to pay bills, arrange his funeral, let his craptacular family know, take care of his ex-wife and most importantly my younger brother.  Life sucked and as much as it sucked there was no space for me to really sit down and cry.  I didn't do that until much later when my furniture didn't show up as planned after I moved.  Then I sobbed like a big stupid baby.  But over the years I have had moments where I felt like I was back in the exact same place. 


Life Could Be a Dream...

Saturday, May 20, 2017 No comments

No idea why that song is stuck in my head right now.  I could say that it's because of the cold medicine that is not working but that definitely isn't it.  I could say it's the time of the year that normally throws me off something awful because of the anniversary but I can't say that either.  It just popped in my head has been there for a bit.  Work is caught up for the moment.  I got new drugs so hopefully those work when I start taking them. 

Meh moving on.  So in my last post I mentioned noticing a pattern in my relationships.  I also saw something else that may make more sense in all of this shortly but I'll get to that in a bit.  I've often joked that I'm part boy because I just don't react to things the way most women do.  It's not that I couldn't I just don't.  In my relationships right now I feel like I'm emotionally dead center between the two of them.  Well let me say that I've felt like I'm emotionally dead center.  I'm probably overthinking all of that right now, thus this post, but yeah more words.  I've often wanted more emotional investment from one and less from the other.  And in looking at how I've interacted with them I think one wants more emotion from me and the other wants less.  So I've watched the push pull play out across the relationships and it's frustrated me until recently.  And that would be because recently I just shut down. 

I'm tired a lot.  I'm busier than I want to be most of the time.  Even when I think I have a bit of time to myself someone comes and jacks that.  I was briefly thinking time with my partners could rectify that but nah probably not right now cause I'm just in a funky place.  I'd eventually chill out but by then I'd be ready to go home.  I'm not even in a place that I could be overwhelmed by either of them which I kinda love and rely on some days just to make my mind shut down.  A lot of change is happening around me and I do tend to shut down a bit when that is happening but what's going on now isn't on the level of shut down.  Maybe it's a bit of everything.  Because if I'm honest the world at large is a bit fucked up and making me annoyed.  And if I could move abroad right now I would because I would just like to be an expat.  But I'd miss my family too much and my mother wouldn't really adjust well to living abroad in her 60s. 

I'm honestly not being a good submissive at the moment either.  I'm not asking for help nor am I trying to provide it.  I could do both but I'd suck at providing it right now and I'm not sure anyone could help with my issues.  I need a chef, maid, driver, and masseuse.  If that crew also happened to make me laugh that would be great but I'm short as hell right now with folks if they piss me off right now so yeah that's not a good idea.  I'd just have a bunch of angry folks cooking my food and tending to my car--that's a bad situation to be clear.  I don't want folks spitting in my food or giving me off brand gas because I didn't smile when they did something I asked.  Hopefully I'm not letting anyone down in the moment cause I'm not sure what's left of me to give after a regular day.  And I'm not sure how to get back to a good place at the moment. 

Ahh well time for drugs, food and sleep.



When Naps Attack or Don't

Sunday, May 14, 2017 No comments
I planned to write this post yesterday.  I was desperate for a nap.  Things calmed down and I was mid drool when the banging started.  Had it been nocturnal fucking yeah for me but it was the middle of the day and yeah I was solo so no unexpected sleepy moisture.  I tried to ignore it and then just as quick as it started it ended.  So I lay back down and was almost asleep again but then shit started up one more time.  That pattern repeated a few more times and then I gave up and binge watched the rest of 13 Reasons Why.  It's so damn slow but I know what happened now and I can ponder on it and how to incorporate it into other things as I know young folks are all very invested in it and the fact that there will be a second season.  Not sure what that will be based on since there isn't a second book but fuck it this is the land of make believe and that's what folks want to mess with right now. 

So today was Mother's Day and as I still have one of those I took mine out for the day.  We saw a movie, had a good meal, and then I let her round up food at all of her favorite spots that we don't have locally and headed back to the house.  She's funny some days and I love her so that's a good thing.  You probably won't see many of those posts here cause she's normally driving me nuts but she's always my biggest cheerleader and pain in the ass so gotta love her.

That had nothing to do with this post just a general aside as I'm working through things with my fingers.  I also just chopped my fingernails off because I broke one at such a jacked up angle I couldn't salvage it and it would have looked super strange with the others.  Whoops hold on.  Gotta through the laundry in the dryer otherwise I will have wet clothes and nothing I want to wear to put on my ass in the morning.  Okay I'm back so yeah that was just a random tangent.  The other stuff will be tangential too.

I am an odd duck if you haven't figured that out.  When I get stressed or upset I rarely lash out at anyone nor do I asked for help.  I tend to get way introverted and introspective and need time to sort things out.  Offers of support won't be ignored outright but there's usually no way to get me out of that place unless we play hard or I go on vacation.  Neither of which has happened since I got back from Amsterdam and well that is still a bit of a cluster fuck of emotions so I have kind of tucked that away for now.  I have had a realization about my relationships for a while now that I've tried to change or challenge and alter but it doesn't shift very much.  Seeing it clearly is somewhat disturbing because I don't see how to readjust that in a productive way for me.  So where does that leave me?  Confused like normal.  I love them both.  I do better when I see or talk to them both regularly.  But I'm also in a place where there's a weird line between enough and too damn much and it's never squarely in the same place.  I kind of think I should go to therapy but I gotta find the right person and the time to do it.  I need a plan b to healthy functional relationships cause plan a isn't quite working.

Back to the laundry, tennis, cartoons and ID network I go.