Deep Thoughts not by Jack Handey

 

You have to be a certain age to even have a clue what I’m talking about and/or to have an unhealthy obsession with older episodes of Saturday Night Live.  Regardless this won’t be Jack Handey delivering any wisdom.  Actually I’m not sure there will be any wisdom coming forth in this posting today.  I’ve been silent for a while but not for any pressing reason.  I’ve been tired, I’ve been busy and I’ve been overthinking life in the way one only can when there’s nothing super stressful going on on the calendar.  To be clear there’s lot to be done.  My major work assignments wrap up this week but I still need to address about four other things before the fall work assignments gear back up.

I have no vacations planned for the summer but hey in light of that whole Brexit vote it might be a good time to head to the UK before their economy fully rebounds.  This time last summer I was gearing up anxiously to get on a plane in a few weeks to head to Amsterdam.  My plan was to repeat that but I seriously didn’t want to spend that much for a ticket again so I’m holding off on that return flight until March when I got a fantastic deal.  But that means I need a break and I need it soon before I convince my mother to move out (sad face) and try to live with my brother which would lead to his untimely divorce (that’s a legit sad face).  It’s not even that I need to have sex or anything which is dramatic for me to even think let alone say.  I just need to disappear into my own space for a while.  Where there is nothing at all expected of me or for me except what I opt to do that day.

I want to go somewhere and explore again.  I want to go somewhere and have to adjust my expectations.  I want to go somewhere and just eat pizza and desserts and laugh at or with the rest of the tourists.  Part of me wants to do that with a tour group because doing it alone can be scary but the other part of me wants to just say fuck it and let’s see where I can afford to go and just vanish for a while.  I probably won’t because as I think I mentioned I overthink things and what I want to do versus what I should do and the should side of me normally wins.  But if you see a lovely photo from Cozumel applaud me okay.

I’m also trying to handle my emotions which are all over the place damn it.  I’m either sobbing, trying to be stoic, happy as hell or pissed.  Usually there’s a trigger for all of them and most of it is tied to being stressed and tired but I am also missing time with my partners which always regulates me a bit.  I mentioned in a previous post that when I am well connected to both my life is a beautiful happy place and when I’m not well it’s like now and I seriously turn myself inside out debating the whole is this the right thing for me and when did I decide that I could really submit and why is it so hard for me to keep myself together.  Yeah I said I think too much.

And I want to revamp this blog but I’m not sure what to do with it and if I want to keep it on my current host or move it elsewhere.  So much random thinking so little coming from it.  On the upside my Mandarin Chinese Rosetta Stone should be here at the same time that everything for this immediate chunk of stuff is done and I have nothing to do but work on me and my lack of being multilingual.

Being More Transparent: Ask Me Anything Thanks to Mr. Nelson

I’ve been in a weird head space since Prince died. It’s been a mixture of deep sadness, joy that felt inappropriate, and something approaching wistful for all the things that were not going to happen in the future–like molesting someone after a Prince concert. Several of my exes said I might kill someone in bed one day because of my sexual appetite. I generally ignored them whenever they said that but after a Prince show they might have been correct. The energy, the music, just the feeling of lightness would have warranted the potential manslaughter charges. I digress.

As I was listening to the marathon of music that Prince released I realized how many times he was just unequivocally himself and how many times during the music he encouraged others to do the same thing. I have described my life as being more splintered than I would like it to be and that’s partially because I’ve been worried about how people would perceive me if they knew everything about me. That could bring up a metaphysical question about who knows everything about you in the long run but when it comes down to it I don’t have to be as sheltered as I have been. In the end though I realize that I’m a ridiculously private person that people may have some legitimate questions for as well as it’s just time to be more honest with myself about what I really want in this life and pursuing it more readily. I’m doing that more professionally. I need to figure out how to do it more in the personal realm. This is an admittedly small start but if you are wondering something about me feel free to ask. I will do my best to answer your questions within reason.

My record skipped, Prince Died

I’m sure all of you have heard now that Prince died.  I’m sure that for those of you that it matters, you know what you were doing, where you were, who you were with and how you felt.  I was at my job and a string of concerned texts, emails and calls started streaming in because if you know me you Prince was my religion.  Not in the sense that I worshiped him.  I have a relationship with God even if I stay making mistakes but on this earthly plane Prince was who I wanted to be when I grew up.  While I seriously hate the term unapologetically Black as it implies the vast majority of Black people do apologize for our skin tone, Prince was all out of fucks to give if you didn’t want to appreciate his Blackness.  I kinda idolized him for that fact alone.  A lighter hued Black man rocking heels and an assortment of seriously Black hair styles for four decades was something kind of stellar.

But that wasn’t it.  He just was.  If he was uncomfortable in his skin it never shown long.  He evolved and we journeyed with him from Bambi to Ain’t About 2 Stop.  I’ll admit to not always appreciating a release in the moment cause he was several light years away from where I was but I swear when you met him where he was something magical happened.  I’m not going to repeat my concert stalking story here.  I won’t wax poetically about how nothing on this earth could ever compare to being at a Prince concert with all the other folks who for a few hours could figure the mundane nature of our lives and bask in the once in a lifetime experience that it was to be with Prince Rogers Nelson while he was doing what he loved.  All I can say right now is that for three days I’ve felt a mixture of sadness, hope, happiness that I can legitimately speak to my love of him with people that will understand and a strong desire to not break down and start crying because once I started  I wasn’t sure when and if it would stop.

I’ve been listening to my ridiculously large Prince collection since I heard, in the car, the gym, my office.  I’ve been grateful that SiriusXM just shut down a station this weekend and it’s been blasting Prince nonstop.  It’s healing and painful at the same time.  There will never be another Prince.  Which in a way is fitting because I am not sure if the world is ready for that but on the other hand generations of humans will never get to see him smirk as he swings his hips in a way no man should be able to pull off while still maintaining massive swag and sex appeal.  They will never get to experience his sense of humor and stupid deep voice before it moved into that haunting falsetto.  For them he will just become one of the inspirations of their favorite processed pop artists and they will never be able to fully understand what he did and what he meant to those that loved him.  Even those that just loved him for a time period–the Purple Rain crew, those who thought that Under the Cherry Moon was camp personified, those who only knew he because he dueted with she who will never be named or guest starred on New Girl.  They will know him through stories that their current crushes share but most will never feel the crush that has been sitting on my chest for the last 72 hours.

Most of the time in situations like this I need to be hurt.  The pain pushes me through the grief.  It makes me process that life is fleeting and that unfortunately this is just part of the status quo.  But just like when my father died I’m swinging back and forth between ridiculously grateful to have had that person in my life to borderline miserable and I really just want to sleep but life won’t let me do that right now.  I keep choking back tears and wondering what the hell happened that no one could have prevented this but one.  And then just like my dad I realized there’s nothing you can do when your time is up.  My dad would have been 70 this year, Prince would have been 58.  I am going to try wake up every morning until their birthdays (both the first week of June) and just try to be grateful that they were able to be the kind of men I admired and that impacted their worlds in the best way they know how.  I have things planned outside of that which will require me to adult during that time no matter how much I don’t want to do it.  I’m going to rub my tattoo and keep listening to my music.

A Moment of Self-Reflection…

Or how I became one of those people that I just didn’t understand.  If you visit my page on Fetlife you would notice some changes there.  After a number of years of being single and just having my D/s role listed I added “in a relationship” a few months back.  That was true then as it is true now.  But as I have been doing in other parts of my life in different phases I wasn’t sharing the whole truth because I really don’t like having a million eyes focused on me.  Not that enough people read my page here or profile there for it to matter but for those that do I wasn’t really up for questions I hadn’t really developed the answers for yet myself.  And maybe even more so I wasn’t sure how the folks most directly impacted by those changes would feel.  I have mentioned Mr. Wolf and The Dutchman here before.  I have debated for the last year what I’m doing with either one of them and if it was fair of me to be engaged with both of them at the same time.  And there were moments when I was so distressed that they were polar opposites because if they were similar or I could merge them then I could adhere to my devotional pattern of one man trying to be all things to me.  It helped when there were moments of disconnect with each of them because it allegedly told me that see the two partners thing doesn’t work for you.  Focus damn it focus.

The problem with that is that I was still not invested in my full truth.  Fact of the matter is I submit to them both in different ways and I love it.  I love both of them for not stopping my exploration of whatever it is I’m feeling for the other.  That may not be permanent but in this moment and place I fully understand those people that used to confuse the piss out of me.  Polyamory isn’t new but I legitimately couldn’t grasp loving more than one person and it not diminishing both relationships.  It felt like it was meaning to be more of an agreed upon path to engage in extraneous relationships with limited blow back than a true orientation that someone could adhere to.  It didn’t help that from my side of the slash there were not a plethora of examples of women with two Dominant partners and whenever it came up it was borderline ridiculed.  I mean if a Dominant has multiple interests and needs more than one submissive to fully explore them why wouldn’t the same be true for a submissive?  It’s great if one person can fulfill that need but due to a variety of factors that may not be the case.

I can say it shocked the hell out of me but when I’m well connected and in tune with both I am more loving and appreciative of them both.  They have similar ideas about domination and thus my submission.  However, they approach it from a totally different, like coming from opposite sides of the globe different, perspective.  One or the other could have spurred growth and another evolution in me I’m sure but the two together have opened my eyes to new possibilities and my ability to endure pain and degradation to previously unconsidered places that I greatly enjoy.  My descriptions of the relationships may use the same words, love/care/lust/what have you, but the manifestations of that are different.  Mr. Wolf is a nurturing type by default and it took a while to get the sadistic teddy bear to come out to play but he’s fun when he comes to visit lol.  The Dutchman should work in black ops or advertising.  His skills at pushing my boundaries and overtaking my brain and leaving little bombs to explode are just excellent.  And while I’m not sure that my brain could fully handle all three of us in the same space on a regular basis the ability for my brain to shatter and be repaired might make me a superhero in the future.  Regardless, I adore them both and I am kinda stupid happy that neither one balked at my new perspective on life and love.

At the end of the day I feel like I’m in a really good place and that energy is benefiting everyone right now.  Especially first thing in the morning lol.  I’m happily climbing out of bed and sharing myself with the world in general but with them in particular.  This experiment may fail.  It may just turn out to be me being greedy and selfish and stupid but I really hope that isn’t the case.  Life has been so much better over the last few weeks than when it was while I was struggling to get to this place.  So yeah I’m one of those people now: poly is my current reality.

 

we know what your skin needs

I was reading my email the other day and as is often the case I get a fair amount of promotional emails from companies I’ve done any business with ever.  One such email came with the following subject header: we know what your skin needs.  I briefly made sure I hadn’t somehow received a smutty email on my very decidedly not smutty email account and after I was certain I was in the clear I just smirked.  There are days I definitely don’t know what I need but the massage spot knows precisely what my skin needs.  It’s a clever line, ensure to elicit at least a bit of moderate interest from their massive distribution list but after the letdown of not magically having a psychic email fall into my lap I will admit to being a little cranky.

But not with the massage spot.  I mean they are just selling me a product if I’m happy enough to partake.  I was angry almost because what I need isn’t simple.  What I crave is complicated.  And unfortunately for me I have moments when I start to believe what a friend told me in college might be correct–no man that ever really loved me would really want to hurt me on the level I desired and conversely that no man that could fully break me could ever really love the mess he had created.  I am a uniquely odd individual even to the people in my life that love and adore me.  I tend to eschew traditional gender roles and have never been one to bask shyly waiting to be claimed when a moment of lust has fully engaged me.  But my foray into BDSM and D/s dynamics makes some things even more complicated.

In no particular order I am going to try to explain those things that were spurred into more clarity thanks to a random email.  I want to be doted on without being suffocated.  I like being told I’m important to someone BUT I don’t ever want to feel like I’m unable to break free from someone.  I like the lovey dovey moments but that on a perpetual basis would drive me just this side of insane and really I’m close enough already so I don’t need a push.  I want to pushed past my limits without being so utterly damaged that I cannot function.  Both of the Dom types who have recently been in my life have done this and I applaud their efforts but they explored them on different ends of the spectrum: one physical and one mental.  I ate up the experiences.  I want to continually repeat the experiences.  But I don’t have a teleporter to see either of them at my leisure and what I need is a melded experience not disjointed one.  I read something on Fet that Mr. Wolf seemed to enjoy and while it claimed to be a method of mind fucking someone it seemed to be the most literal interpretation of the word that one could use.  Making someone orgasm without physically penetrating them is no small feat I do understand but it falls monumentally short of what I mean when I use that phrase.  And to be clear what I am calling a mindfuck could be way off base from the definition as well but what I think of is my brain being so overwhelmed, overwrought and overcome with thoughts of someone that it impacts my ability to function normally.  Their desires, their energy, their voice ring in my head even when I need to be doing and focusing on something else.  It’s about making me want to do things that my rationale brain says hell no to but my submissive brain says please may have I have some more.  Hmm back to the list of wants before I slaughter kittens in my rush of lust.  I want to be physically pushed into the ridiculous high that a good sub space can bring.  The staccato thuds of a heavy flogger are so much more relaxing than any deep tissue massage can ever be.  And while I don’t need to have sex at that point if I do I’m either going to drench someone or be so limber and happy that I make fuck them into a coma.  Really just depends on the day and both is not outside the realm of possibility.  I want to love my Dom but I’m not sure I need to be in love with them.  I want to be devoted to them.  I don’t want to be so entwined in them that I am no longer useful.  I need to be consumed without being decimated.  I need to be demeaned and humiliated and told that my only purpose in life is to please them and then put back together so that when I need to step back into grown up life I won’t be ready to capitulate to the first stern voice I hear.  I need to fuck so long and so hard and/or with so many different people that my body is one continuous orgasm for hours after the sex stops.

That doesn’t seem like a whole lot in my brain but it’s a hot mess of things to most folks and almost impossible to expect that any one partner is able to take care of all one their own.  It’s the only reason why I am willing to consider poly now.  And even that consideration is muted a bit.  I need to be able to be with someone that I can see and experience all of those things with regularly.  I’d prefer not to have to get those wants/needs met in different relationships but after reading another post on Fet maybe that is the politest thing to do.  I can’t ask for something from someone they are clearly not skilled to provide.  It just frustrates us both.  And I am so not about frustration this year.  Ahh well, I’ll keep thinking about it.  This is just rambling now so I’m going to bed..

 

 

The Mirror Has Two Faces

Both of mine may just be a little twisted.  I am a series of contradictions.  I’m sure I’ve mentioned that here before.  I have days that I think I really am just a nice normal girl who loves baking and reading and hanging out with small children because they rock in all of their amusement and excitement about life.  And then there’s another side that feels like I’d be better off hanging out in Arkham Asylum with the rest of the inmates.  Or recently escaped inmates as Selina Kyle never stayed long and neither did Harley Quinn.  Hmm I’ll come back to that.  As I was thinking about this post I was looking for the conversation that Selina and Bruce had in Batman Returns.

Selina Kyle: A kiss under the mistletoe. You know, mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Bruce Wayne: But a kiss can be even deadlier… if you mean it.
[silence as they realize each other’s identities]
Selina Kyle: Oh, my God. Does this mean we have to start fighting?
Bruce Wayne: Let’s go outside.

I’m not sure why what I thought that would prompt me to write about but I have always loved that scene.  Acknowledgment of our duality in a situation that probably won’t resolve well (and yeah based on the rest of the movie did not end well lol) but being drawn together anyway.  I am often trying to balance my AA regular side with my alter ego of pseudo soccer mom (I have no kids remember so it’s really just pseudo).  The men I have often been the most attracted to seem to have a bit of a struggle with duality as well.  It’s intriguing and interesting and makes my brain fixate for a while on something other than due dates, meetings, and meal prep.

I almost went with one of these quotes as they would both be appropriate as well:

Selina Kyle: Wow, *the* Batman – or is it just “Batman”? Uh, your choice, of course!
[Batman walks away]
Selina Kyle: Well, that was very brief. Just like all the men in my life.

Selina Kyle: Honey, I’m home. Oh, I forgot. I’m not married.

[Read more…]

Need and Growth

My mind has been scattered and I’m trying to keep it all together but it’s not been easy. I actually was planning to do something else because of the email this prompt came from in the mailer I got from Luna @ the Submissive Guide. Well I had two things in mind to do but neither was this. The prompt resonated with me for some reason today and I’m not sure why. Here’s the message: “For me, D/s is a graded endeavor. There are definitive levels of achievement. There is an unacceptable level of performance. Effort is not enough to make the grade.” – Sir C

I have mentioned this to other people, mostly the Dutchman and Mr. Good Nhyte, that I haven’t necessarily felt like I have grown much as a submissive in the past. That was largely due to my own issues with fully surrendering to my partners but also because of where those relationships ended up progressing to I would assume. While I know more about myself and what I need to be in the kind of relationship I want to pursue, I don’t know that I have done anything since fully embracing my role as a submissive that I would mark as an achievement. I still can be ridiculously argumentative. I try not to be insubordinate but if I don’t understand why something needs to be done I am unlikely to do it. And I am still working on just letting go and understand that where I am being led is where I am supposed to be. I don’t always feel secure enough to do that and then I slip back into my rational brain and that’s just a death knell for me in growth as a submissive.

The thing is I want to be better, stronger, improve in significant ways but much like with everything else with me it’s a struggle. I need to have control wrested away from me. I need to have my choices limited such that pleasing is really my only option. I need to feel that when I make that slip I will be protected in that space. It takes a special person to do that and to maintain that longer than just a scene. I don’t like it when things around me are falling apart and my natural impulse is to just fix it and if I’m fixing it I’m not slipping. And if I’m not slipping I cannot acquiesce to even the simplest of requests or commands. Once over the last year has something been requested that felt like a genuine test of my ability to surrender. And I can’t say there wasn’t a massive amount of trepidation when the request was made. I cannot tell you how well it went because I just kinda remember my brain breaking a bit at the time. I’ve fallen completely off with that in the months since though so was it really an accomplishment or achievement more than a task I ticked off my to do list at the time without revisiting since.

To be fair most of that is due to things not being set or stable with Mr. Wolf or The Dutchman which makes their focus and ability to control me not be where I need it to be or they may want it to be. Life is in flux as usual but I want to figure out how to keep sparking growth independent of a partner. I need to spend some time thinking about that and given my schedule if I don’t do it soon I’m not sure when I will.

Self-reflection and Submission

Today is somewhat a chill day for me.  Nothing major looming overhead.  What is looming can be accomplished relatively easily.  The diet has been thrown to hell as I’m trying to recover from two different illnesses hitting me at once and save a few days earlier this week during which I was ridiculously horny, had the best wet dreams ever thankfully staring people that I might be able to make that reality with, enthusiastically masturbated while documenting the goings on and then shared with people who make me creamy I have been doing a whole lot of nothing it feels like.  Woke up earlyish today, ate breakfast, watched BBQ Pitmasters and then took a nap in which a beautifully thick and hopefully well endowed man visited my dream and flirted with me and made me moist before I woke up lol.  Really sounds like a good day right?

And truthfully it was/is and then I stumbled upon a post in Suffer For Me on Fetlife that directed me to yet another post and I realized I had more in common with random people than I thought.  I’ll get to that in a second.  I knew I was going to spend some time investigating my internal reactions to that and then I did something totally innocuous: took a Facebook quiz about what I’m secretly afraid of and came up with some supporting evidence of why I might need to ponder what I need to ponder.

In recent years, you find yourself having trouble keeping a relationship. You are irrationally scared that once you will open up, your partner will get a look at the real you and leave. Our subconscious is unfortunately filled with these kinds of thoughts.

To be honest, I haven’t been trying to keep a relationship.  I don’t see the utility in them all the time.  We’re attracted to some aspect of a person and then want to keep that all to ourselves which ends up altering the thing we liked in the first place.  Ok that’s a bit depressing but you can see why I wasn’t really clamoring to keep one cause really that’s how I was thinking.  Not to mention the whole “irrationally scare that once you will open up” thing because that really hasn’t been totally irrational for me.  Dating vanilla dudes for more than half my life when I told them what I really wanted, and that was at the corner of tame and tamer at the time, they have reacted strongly to that and typically not well.  “What kind of girl wants a man she loves to do that to her” was a frequent conversation at that point and outside of a little spanking and rougher than normal sex it never went where I really needed it to go and then relationships go poof.  [Read more…]

In with the new…welcome to my 2016

The word for the day is honesty.  I’ll get to more about that in a few minutes.  So as is necessary I am currently deeply gorging on a Twilight Zone marathon that started a day or so ago with brief interruptions from regular programming, sleep, work, the gym, and meal preparation.  I have done more than is standard during my week off and that’s good as my mood and mentality are a world apart from where they could be otherwise.  For those who aren’t aware I recently had a birthday and shortly after I went to visit family.  I don’t do it often but when I do it seriously feeds my spirit.  It reminded me of some things I need to do a better job of taking care of and I got new photos for my phone of the people who make up the largest part of my heart and keep me grounded.

It was with that energy that I came home on Monday and didn’t lose it about mom’s standard “I have no idea what I want to eat but I sure am hungry” routine.  The end result was Burger King and we ended up with extra nuggets and a free soda because the cute drive thru guy–yes I was checking his cuteness, I was tired not dead and yep he was mountable–felt bad we had to wait a few minutes for fresh nuggets.  I slept well and have spent the last four days working, working out and thinking.  I wasn’t dreading being pseudosingle or anything else.  Life, no matter how many complications I am experiencing at the moment, is good.  Largely because of that I’m committed to my goals for the year, not resolutions as those seem to go no where for me, the most prominent of which is being honest with myself and with others.  There are others: lose another 35 pounds, stay healthy, play nice with mom, repair some old relationships or let them go, get on the grind with work, travel, and say yes to new experiences but the honesty thing well it needs to win out.

To that end I pondered what I wanted to say to The Dutchman and Mr. Wolf over for a few days before I said or typed  a word.  Now once I started my fingers moving I let it come out mostly free flowing.  I did a tiny bit of editing but I can’t not say things for fear of what may happen later.  Fear is a powerful motivator but it keeps me from being transparent.  Working on getting over that seriously.  So if you have any questions let me know?  You may be wondering about the whole Dutchman & Mr. Wolf situation and for now there’s no major update.  I still care about them both.  They bring out totally different traits in me and I appreciate them both for doing so.  I obviously spend more time with Mr. Wolf and if he had his way I’d be tied up in the basement of a 1950s style bungalow during the hours that I wasn’t needed at work.  That’s actually not a bad thing really lol but I don’t know how many bungalow’s have basements and I don’t really like the dark.  Well that’s not true either lol.  There’s no relationship hierarchy at the moment at least on my end.  They both have other relationships in play and are exploring different things with those individuals.  I can’t say I’m all in the poly lifestyle at the moment.  I still get jealous and it has taken me a while to find my voice and just be honest when that happens but as I mentioned earlier I’m working on it.

The only other thing that is going to be new and fun for me to explore is a project so to speak that I am undertaking as part of my make the year epic list.  I’m asking people what they would do with a partner of their choosing and forty eight hours of solid debauchery.  I am seriously interested in the answers because some of them I will make happen.  Others I will use to melt the brains of other folks lol.  Right now though I only have one weekend scripted and two allegedly coming back to me soon.  I think I wigged one potential playmate out when he asked about my limits being pushed and I told him the truth.  And another is just a lazy prick as best I can tell and if his dick wasn’t so ginormous I wouldn’t think twice about it.  He may get a stopover visit lol.  Anyhoo I think I’ve rambled enough for now.  If you think you have a good idea for a debauched weekend let me know in the comments or shoot me an email–website name minus the .com @gmail.com.

My Neck is Bare

If you know my relationship status that may not strike you as odd.  After all single girls don’t typically wear collars proclaiming their availability.  But for me the lack of current adornment would typically send me into a tailspin.  For those that don’t know I lost my father when I was barely 25 years old.  It was the total opposite of fun and the worst part about it was I knew it was going to happen and I could do nothing to stop it.  I had been dreaming for months that I would be spending the last Christmas of my life with my father or that I was sitting in the hospital with my mother while waiting to find out if my father would be okay–that was trippy since my parents divorced when I was eight and up until a few months before he died lightweight hated each other.  The problem really was that no one knew what was happening with my father.  Getting him to the hospital and fighting with the doctors didn’t help.  When he realized he was dying, he sat me down and told me how to take care of things because my brother’s wouldn’t be able to do it.  I knew that was rough for him as it was rough for me.  I was my dad’s only daughter and if you listen to my brothers I was spoiled beyond belief just based on that fact.  I can cop to being spoiled but my father was my best friend so it was an equal opportunity spoiling.  Dad had special desserts (banana pudding sans the bananas with extra cookies or pecan pie with extra pecans and 1/3 cup less sugar cause he didn’t want it that sweet) and well marinated steaks and back walks a la The Jeffersons when I was home.  He was my buddy and I treasured all the time I spent with him and everything that he ever gave me.  Which brings me back to my bare neck.

For most of the time since I have worn a random trinket he bought me when I was very into Chinese astrology on a silver chain.  I have gone through many chains in fifteen years.  The last one broke about a week ago when I was in the middle of making cookies for the holidays.  I bought a warranty for it so it’s being repaired but it won’t be back for a few more weeks.  Since I wear no other jewelry really my neck is just there and flashing its nakedness.  I’m not sure if I hate it or if it has been freeing.  There were moments in the last fifteen years when I would literally get out of my car and go back to my bedroom to get my necklace.  Days that I couldn’t do that or forgot until I was in the middle of other things I would have some of the worst days ever.  That charm was my protection, my reminder that dad was looking out for me, comforting.  It would pain me to not wear it.  I am not feeling pained right now.  And I haven’t gotten to the point that I’m taking the charm with me constantly.  I don’t know if that means it’s time to let it rest or add the charm to my life in another way.  I have been touching my throat more than I normally would which has been disconcerting.  I know that the lack of necklace doesn’t mean dad isn’t still in my heart but it’s odd to not have something that has been so close to me for so many years.

I gave some thought to this being deliberate so that my neck is free for the next protector and His charm to take the place of the one I chose but yeah I don’t really like that idea lol and due to 80 million things collars aren’t really the best way to show ownership of me.  All I know is right now I’m painfully aware that I don’t have a few ounces of silver around my neck and I miss my dad all the more because of it.  Good night everyone.