wet dream interrupted by well water

I have been falling asleep randomly the last few days.  I think my body is trying to finally fight the insomnia fits but it hasn't been totally successful.  Tonight I fell asleep semi on schedule and was having the best dream EVER.  I was in bed with someone I had apparently already had sex with.  I was laying semi on my side naked from the waist down and was laying on the bend of their arm.  We were snuggling a bit when that familiar bulge was brushing between my thighs.  A few whispered giggles later and we were grinding into each other very very slowly.  I could almost feel my hips rolling back to meet him and getting ready to burst into yet another orgasm when I heard a loud plop.  It wasn't the kind of plop that would be embarrassing it was just distracting.  So on the verge of nocturnal orgasm I was jolted awake by the stupid toilet.  Yeah for some reason something is backed up in the line and large air bubbles were escaping my toilet.  After snaking the toilet and watching the water build up in both potties and then tubs I called the landlord to make sure she got someone out here tomorrow and then we turned off water to the potties.  Yeah turned it back on cause someone (not me) needed to pee and everything flushed and the water in the tubs drained with no hesitation.  Still want someone to check the line because if the nice grip on my neck and roll of my hips gets interrupted again I'm gonna be pissed.

In a weird head space..

I have no idea where this post will end up but I'm kind of frustrated.  I've been mostly unemployed, I say mostly because I still teach part time in the evenings when I can, for the last two months and that has given me way more free time than I want.  It has helped with the insomnia that I haven't needed to get up for anything but I don't like not working, I need to be busier than I am.  At the same time, communication has almost entirely shut down with the ex.  Every time I really start missing him, as I mentioned in my last post, something turns up and pisses me off and then I just let it go again.  Him being here would probably just make this time worse too because then I'd be home looking at him struggling to deal with me and the situation with his ex so again I guess that's a good thing too that he's not here.  While I joke about it in my vanilla/professional life I'm tired and upset that I'm currently single with no children.  It doesn't overwhelm me but it makes me feel out of sorts that short of getting my degree and doing my best to take care of my mother nothing I've planned on has worked out as planned. 

I wasn't delusional enough to think I'd marry Emperor but I could have seen myself locked in his dungeon for a while.  Roaming Soldier and that whole thing feels like a daydream at this point.  He was everything I ever really wanted complete with cute little daughter and I haven't heard from him since he apologized for being away and disappearing again.  When I tried to reply a few weeks/months later that it was okay and I wanted him to get in touch as soon as he could, the account was closed.  And the last implosion ehhh just don't even want to get into that.  So since I didn't take my own advice really the last decade of my life was spent in back to back relationships with no time to decompress and sort out what went wrong.  I mean I know but emotionally it's always messy.  Now I'm wondering if I'm even subbie cause I'm so disinterested in being someone's little girl right now.  It just isn't appealing.  Really I'm feeling very asexual most of the time.  I orgasm from time to time but I'm not remotely needing someone else to be there right now.

What I want right now is a job and an adorable little kid.  A husband would be nice but isn't part of what I envision right now which is weird cause I've always said I want to do things in order but wanting is NOT working out.  Then there's the whole Taken in Hand thing that has entered my brain.  It lines up with what I used to daydream about.  A nice strong safe man that I could follow faithfully, makes me want to wear my aprons and cook and make martinis--that's more 1950s I know but that's I guess what I'm thinking of.  I wan to be able to surrender to someone that I can fully trust and depend on and love.  I've continued to be wrong whenever I think I've found him which could be why I'm just zoned out from the possibility of it now.  I know you're probably tired of the bitching and just really miss the smut.  When I have some for you believe me you'll get it.  I have no inspiration right now unfortunately.

Anyhoo welcome to my one lone follower.  Hopefully it's interesting if nothing else.

Jumbled and Messy

So yeah I've been absent a bit again.  I really didn't have much to say and was considering just shutting things down permanently.  That didn't seem to make a lot of sense because I come here to vent and where would I do that if I wasn't in this space.  Anyway, as I've been driving around from work or to interviews I've had a lot of time with my Zune.  Last night One Foot Wrong, Carry On and Just a Fool came on in sequence.  I love all three artists (Pink, Fun and Christina Aguilera & Blake Shelton) so I listened to them a few times in a row.  And it made me start thinking about most recent ex.  I came home thinking I should call him and chat and see if there's any hope there really.  Then I picked up a piece of mail that came to the house for him which was a reminder of all the stupid ish I asked him to handle a certain way, he promptly did it another way and that way ultimately keeps coming back to bite him in the ass.  These reminders don't come often but they do seem to coincide when I get tired of being by myself and having to take care of things all on my own.  Whatever higher power is looking out for me intervenes and I appreciate that because right now he's not in any place to make things easier.  He may never be in that place and I don't want to resent him or perpetually be angry.  Those are not good looks.

I've been feeling all over the place anyway because I know what I want I'm just not sure how it's going to look.  I would like a man that is strong and in control and able to be followed.  I'm not sure if that's going to be a traditional d/s or bdsm relationship though.  I've been thinking more about the 50s household and taken in hand relationships which may be more easy to navigate without having to hide the whips and chains and ball gags from mom.  I'm a subbie girl by heart but maybe my life won't allow for that at this stage.  Ehh blah.

What's a bored subbie girl to do?

I ask that somewhat ironically as I'm not feeling terribly submissive lately.  Looking for jobs is a full time job and while I keep getting interviews I'm not sure if I'm disconnected from everything and am not going over the way I'd like.  Plus working for universities means slow hiring process.  Either way, my life is mostly consumed with that.

Green Lantern tried to introduce me to someone knew because she was being a sweetheart and I love her for that but when I started getting inquisitive I think I irritated him a bit.  I know I can be irritating though so I'm not sure if it was intentional or accidental if I was at all.  We weren't in the same dating space if that makes sense though.  After two very long term relationships, I'm enjoying the break.  Well most of the time I'm enjoying the break.  When I see cute kids or think about my nieces too long I get a little sad that I'm nearing forty with no spouse and no kids but that is my life and not a whole lot I can do to change that right now.

Back to the point of this post.  I am a tiny bit bored.  I love that I have a world of opportunities open to me right now but I don't have enough to do.  There are projects I could undertake but eh not intriguing enough to keep me stimulated.  Plus there's the whole submissive thing.  I don't know if I mentioned it before but I trashed a lot of old toys.  They weren't being used and I didn't anticipate a time in which they would be.  They were purchased during my relationship with RS and it seemed inappropriate to keep holding on to them on the off chance that someone knew stole my breath and made moist. 

It's hard to remain in a submissive state of mind when those relationships haven't panned out well and because of general life interference has eliminated coming to a common understanding of a Daddy/little girl or D/s relationship.  RS and I seemed to be on the same page but yeah fighting in a war and not coming back puts a damper on things.  And GN/last him had so much going on with his ex and that drama that he was either not mentally there or doing way too much too fast. 

I'm not sure what I'm wanting right now but I know I don't quite have it whatever that may be.

hello people

not sure what to update you with right now.  life is still moving forward like must.  clearly i'm having an insomnia fit cause i'm wide awake at almost 2 in the morning.  still on the job hunt for a new permanent gig.  applying all over for a variety of things.  have an interview later today so i should set my alarm so i'm not waking up 20 minutes before the interview.  ordered shoes but sending them back because they were too freaking tight.  i'm in a non holding holding pattern lol. things are still very fluid about what i'll do and when but i still have more options than i thought i would for some reason.  still a disconnect between lifestyle and life but that's partially cause i have no partner either lol.  ahh well.  what's up with you guys.

A Night of 1001 Dreams

The nightly remembered dreams are continuing.  Some of them make no sense and are easily forgotten.  Others not as much.  I was feeling kind of bummed on Tuesday night because I hadn't heard back about a job interview opportunity but then I remembered my dream I had as I was getting ready on Wednesday morning and all that kept running through my brain was "home."  I want to say people were singing but one of several versions of home were playing in my head.  It started off country turned into something else either way prevailing theme of the dream was I was going home.  I go about my morning and got a call from said job site which is about two hours from my brother and three hours from my other family.  Don't know what's going to happen there but it's another opportunity to get closer to home.  Yesterday I had a bunch of weird disconnected dreams but when I woke up I was sure I saw a tiny angel looking at me like wake up something bad is going to happen.  I'm blind as a bat when I wake up so after I focused my eyes and reached for my glasses I chalked it up to my bad eyesight.  It didn't stop the worry but after several hours of no bad news I was about to let it go.  Unfortunately, when I got to my second home of the day I found out one of my favorite clients who had been really sick was now dying.  I was glad it was no one in my family BUT she was adorable and funny and spunky for someone battling health issues as long as she had been.  I'm going to miss her.  And I miss hearing from you guys too, no one comments anymore. 

Horny but not really

I won't make this long.  Some days I randomly think about sex but not that I want any lol.  I will only sacrifice a kitten if I'm having an insomnia fit and it's not working as well as it used to.  Ahh well such is life.  Back to ignoring David Otunga on WWE, God he sucks.  No idea what Jennifer Hudson sees in him.

A really good question

So yesterday or day before not sure which, after I hit up fetlife for the first time in a while, Green Lantern (check the cast list for more info on her) asked me if I had left the lifestyle.  Honestly I haven't left anything.  I'm still quite a subbie girl BUT I haven't lived the lifestyle in quite some time either.  He's been gone for over a year and even when he was still here we were usually so stressed and busy trying to manage the situation with his children and ex that there wasn't much play time.  Not to mention my mother lives with me so a good flogging might make her concerned and call the police lol.  Even if we had wanted to sneak away though we probably wouldn't have.  The few occasions that we were alone and able to indulge there was a disconnect.  We were saying the same things but how it was envisioned by both of us was totally different.  Same thing with emperor but then again I don't think I was what he wanted physically so that put a damper on his treatment of me in lots of regards.  I felt more in tune with RS on the d/s side of things but we know what happened there.  There just may not be an ideal situation for me and I may just have to enjoy vanilla life.  I mean I am right now.  I'm working and teaching and cooking a LOT.  Been baking up a storm and tinkering with new recipes and this freaking mandolin slicer is amazing.  I'm just enjoying being me for the moment--and having lots of weird dreams NIGHTLY.  I'm hopeful that sometime in the future the stories will be more of my life but so far not so much.  Got another rejection letter by the way.  I'll sort out the book thing eventually.  I want you to have the last four stories but it looks like self-publishing is on tap.  Hope you all had a great holiday.

If I'm Dreaming PLEASE Dear God Wake Me Up

Not sure how long this will be but this has been the week of crazy dreams.  After recovering from an unexpected and so damn miserable stomach bug I had a dream that made me confused when I woke up.  I had relocated, was tired of being single, and used a dating service to find myself a new opportunity.  Everything was going smoothly up till the meeting.  Not sure why I'd agree to meet someone without a photo but in the dream I did.  And turned out to be a friend of one of my exes.  Very awkward and instead of just going this is incredibly awkward we had sex and then I woke up.  So yeah I was disturbed when I went back to work cause I could finally sit up without sprinting to the bathroom.  Thursday night I was feeling better just tired from another night of class.  Yeah well dream went off the rails then too.  This time I was driving somewhere I'd probably NEVER agree to drive cause it was hot and dusty.  My car broke down and I was pissed because I wasn't sure when the road side assistance folks would be coming to help and I was needed to be somewhere on time.  I think I was headed into a little bar hoping for a good clean bathroom and a drink when out of nowhere my ex shows up (different ex not related to the first dream at all) out of a cloud of dust just walking towards me.  I got madder in the dream and woke up mad too.  He was very nice to look at but woo irritation was par for the course with us.  And then last night I had a dream that I was celebrating my birthday and somehow got to meet one of my favorite basketball players.  Which wouldn't be so bad but I can't see that human at all but I know that Jason Kidd was there too.  I was getting ready to walk back to my seat when Jason stopped me and said now head to the back.  Some short guy (like really short) offered to get me a drink and introduced me to folks who looked like they should be groupies but were really sweet and looked like just a group of professional smart and funny women.  I wasn't sure what was going on at that point but I was enjoying myself and then I woke up.  So what do you all think?  The first night I hadn't really eaten anything so I can't blame the food.  Thursday and Friday I had pork chops for dinner and a piece of cake last night.  Could just be random dreams I guess but all of it was crazy.