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Thursday, July 17, 2014

Greetings from the Subbieverse

So I have not completely bounced back but a little bit of work helped out a great deal more than I thought.  And I got the check engine light on my car turned off again even though at some point I need to take it back to the flipping dealer so they can tell me what the issue is this time.  Well I know what it is, I need them to fix it and keep it fixed longer than a month.

I know I'm not feeling all the way on again because I haven't tried to get off in the shower.  That will sound silly but yeah as I'm washing up at last one finger goes after my clit.  I never rub long just enough to get a good ohh out and make my ass pop out a bit.  Boys you should know that movement and if you don't then you haven't been rubbing her spot well.  In my case too, toying with my clit while it's still safely tucked away is nice but really make it pop out and enjoy yourself.  When my clit is very very happy it looks like a pink version of my nipples which hey seem to be popular.  Even as I just rambled all of that out right now I'm not aroused, not even smiling that much--ok at all, which means I'm not quite centered. 

I was going to attribute part of this to another round of subdrop but that's not it either.  I hate feeling out of control or out of sorts.  Another ill timed conversation made me feel both and there was no one here or available to get me to refocus on something quickly.  I give HPP credit he did make me giggle and stop crying but that combined with other stuff this week just threw me off.

I'm sure I'll get out of my funk soon enough.  It would be great to be flogged into that happy place that makes all of this other stuff kind of disappear by default but not available just yet.  That's on the agenda though.  If I'm not better by then I'll probably return home injured.

Monday, July 14, 2014

I'll Be Honest: I Don't Understand Men

There used to be a time when I thought I had men all figured out.  Horny, stupid, emotional, friendly, needing a wife type.  I could figure them out, act accordingly if I chose and keep it pushing.  Over the last ten years or so, as I have settled more into who I am as a submissive and what I need from the men I choose to have around me it has come to my attention I don't have a flipping clue how they operate, what they want, what they really need, or why they behave as they do once they get any of those aforementioned boxes checked off the way the want.

The ones that register with that place in my brain that makes my submission coalesce into a mini state of nirvana tend to be unreliable at best.  They fire me up and then I fizzle.  I hate fizzling.  Fizzle is just an unhappy word.  It messes with the psyche. 

I don't trust the ones that blatantly want me.  Nothing in my experience tells me those men will be around that long either.  For totally different reasons, maybe once the lust is satiated I'm just an afterthought or I worry I will be and that freaks me out too.

I want some nice balance of the two but that has yet to work out either--him got shipped out and never to be seen again.

Moments like these make me feel flawed and small and honestly stupid for not figuring this out yet.  I really hate feeling like this.  Really really hate it.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Let's Play Together Part 3

Where we left off....

She was tempted to unleash a torrent of insults at him but knew that wouldn't end well so she took a moment to regroup.  She started begging as soon as she could breathe and her mind was semi clear.  He leaned against the wall, enjoying her frustration and whimpering.  He raised a finger to his lips and she went silent.  "Pick your next toy darling."

And now we begin....

Her brain was a mix of lust and hate.  She did this internal battle each time they were together for a long weekend.  She loved what her body ended up doing but there was a fight for control she had to lose each time to feel truly sated.  She was processing what was on the tray now that it was clearly in her line of vision.  If she could just get her legs free she would feel better so she asked for the wearable vibe that he could control with his smart phone thinking he'd have to untie her to put on the panties. 

He smirked as her voice cracked in her throat and panted out that she chose the vibe.  For some reason she continued to forget that he was usually a step or two ahead of her when her head got fuzzy.  He grabbed the vibe and inserted it into the black panties that were made for the toy.  He placed it on the bed between her thighs and fingered at the rope on her right ankle and waited for her leg to jerk.  He stroked her inner thigh and watched her eyes flutter until they closed and she began to moan.  Her foot toyed in his lap trying to encourage him to free her from her bonds.  He chuckled and moved it away as he stood up.

"I'm sure you're about to be disappointed but I'm not untying you.  Stop glaring at me.  It's not my fault.  They upgraded the vibe and the panties a bit since I last used it on you.  Today will be quite interesting."

He picked up the panties and unhooked the sides.  He patted her derriere and she raised up so he could slide them under her like a very sexy diaper.  The sting of humiliation was there in her gaze as he fastened her in and adjusted them so the raised edge of the vibrator was pressed firmly against her pussy and clit.  "Yes yes I know not what you were expecting.  You wanted those legs free but not this time my dear."  He turned and walked towards the door.  "I'm going to have a bit of coffee and I know the smell bothers you so I'll be downstairs."

She looked petrified that she would just be left there waiting for him to return.  As his foot hit the bottom of the stairs she felt the vibe come to life.  The pattern was erratic though.  Sometimes light to nearly non existent and other times shaking her with so much force she was sure she'd break an ankle as she flailed around on the bed.  Wave of orgasms built and crested over and over again.  Her wetness betrayed her fear and she wished she understood what rhythm the vibe was operating to this morning.  Just as another thunderous orgasm began to build making her body tingle and her brain slowly forget her predicament, he reappeared in the doorway.

She didn't completely comprehend what he was doing at first but it slowly registered why the pulsations had been all over the place since he left.  It was reacting to his voice.  When he was just breathing near the phone she got light feathery touches like he was caressing her under the table at dinner.  When it became more aggressive those were the moments he was explaining how he planned to fuck her like a bitch in heat and make her every bit the cum slut he knew her to be.  Those vague moments in the middle just seemed to be in response to him talking to the television or mumbling to himself.

Soon he was taunting her like he often did when he was fucking her and the pulse got more and more insistent.  One orgasm hadn't fully subsided before the device leached another from her now sweat covered body.  He called her a cunt, his personal cum slut, a perfect little masochistic toy all in a rush.  When he cooed be a good little girl for daddy, her body let loose a powerful orgasm along with an extended shriek.  She didn't get a chance to pick out the next toy though because at that very moment the orgasm rendered her unconscious.

So what should she be woken up to ladies and gents?

Friday, July 11, 2014

Worked on my Three R's

That of course would be reading, writing and recovering.  Yeah I know one of those is a W but if you much about American education that whole reading, writing and arithmetic is standard or was once upon a time.  Now it just seems to be about pass the test so your teacher doesn't get fired.

So to start with, I got knew smutty books to read.  One being the Big Book of Submission, check the side bar to buy it via Amazon.  A collection of short stories that were edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel, one of my sheroes as she combines good writing with knowledge of kink and love of cupcakes.  I would so invite her to be part of the kinky Stepford Wives community if such a thing existed lol.  The other book is about submission and is by Kacie Cunningham called Conquer Me.

As for the writing my book is now in the editor's hands and is going to be edited within an inch of its life.  Well it's not alive but hey whatever.  The short stories need a thorough going over from someone that is not me and then I can see what my options are after this to publish on my own or through a traditional publisher which is my preference but is probably less likely.  I'm still waiting to hear if I made it into any of the four anthologies I submitted to but considering how many submissions each received I'm guessing that's more of a long shot than I thought it was before when I originally submitted.

The recovery is due to spending a few days with HPP who really is a bit on the voracious and insatiable side of things.  I cannot fully express that I have literally never cum that much or hard in my entire life.  We were mostly naked for nearly three days but that was interspersed with jokes and food and laughing at the tv and figuring out why folks should have been dead on the new 24 as well as roasting WWE this week.  It was almost like I had a life again even though I never slept through the night cause he makes my insomnia look like a sleeping sickness and whenever the moment struck him I was woken up by a very eager and forceful tongue which reminded me why I could never be a lesbian.  Men's tongues are rough and the facial hair oh my damn so good, friction makes me happy.  Mind you once I returned home I wanted to disappear again cause that lady that birthed me drove me fucking crazy but orgasms and photos are great reminders.  If I like you then you can ask for one but you may not get them like at all.

Ok off to enjoy the rest of the day.

Friday, July 04, 2014

Let's Play Together Part 2

Where we left off........

He ran a finger up the inside of her right thigh at an agonizingly slow pace.  Her skin began to become a series of goose bumps as his finger reached into her pussy to assess her wetness.  "Such a good girl, always wet when you wake up."  He turned his back to her to look over the table of implements he had waiting for her.  His hand never left her center and was languidly toying around her g-spot.  "What should I use on you first today slut," he asked as his voice trailed over his shoulder.

And so we begin.........

She seriously hated when she did this.  You would never be able to tell from how wet she was but that wasn't a fair marker either.  Being near him made her wet.  Him touching her made her wet.  His fingers invading her folds made her drip.  And her she was irritated as hell while her body betrayed her yet again.  She saw a glint of something pink in his hand before he began talking again.

"Ahh this won't hurt as much as it fucks with your brain.  The sound it makes before it makes contact with your thighs always makes you jump more than the impact."  He pulled his fingers out of her soppy wet pussy and dried them on her thigh before he stood up.  He pulled off the jacket he had worn out to an early meeting and loosened his collar still flipping the ruler around in his other hand.  He put the ruler down in her line of vision as he unfastened the cuffs of his sleeves and rolled them up.  He knew she felt even more debased when she was nude and he wasn't so this was an extra treat for him.

He grabbed the ruler without saying another word and in a very deliberate manner proceeded to crisscross her thighs the misappropriated school supply.  She was whining and glaring at him but nothing out of the norm for their warm ups.  When he let the ruler slip and slap her clit she yelped.  It made him smirk and she watched in slight horror as the edges of his mouth moved into a demented smile.  He alternated smacking her thighs, clit and the length of her slit in maddening fashion until she was raising her ass up to meet his blows and cursing him at the same time.  When she was on the edge of her next orgasm, he moved away from her and put the ruler back on the tray of toys.

She was tempted to unleash a torrent of insults at him but knew that wouldn't end well so she took a moment to regroup.  She started begging as soon as she could breathe and her mind was semi clear.  He leaned against the wall, enjoying her frustration and whimpering.  He raised a finger to his lips and she went silent.  "Pick your next toy darling."

What should she pick from the waiting tray?

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Random Musings, seriousy really random

I know two posts in the same day you are going to lose your mind with so much of the weirdness that emanates from my brain.  Because the things that are on my brain right now aren't remotely connected I'm just going to make bullet points and I may go back to flesh them out as needed.  So here goes...

  • I have stopped trying to make sense of my dreams and will chalk them up to late night chicken whenever I can.  Yes I know there's usually something there but as I have a tendency to over analyze my waking life doing so with my sleepy time can get overwhelming. I should figure them out really I should but it's so much nicer for something to click but then again as I mentioned yesterday I'm very much of the literal mindset when it comes to my own life.  Others not so much but my own yeah I don't like the wide from for interpretation crap.
  • My mother is like the best birth control ever.  If I wasn't so busy taking care of her and dealing with her random mood swing I may have been knocked up six times or more likely on a slutty tour of the planet every summer.  She is also indirect motivation to get to the gym cause any time away from her is a blessing some days.
  • I am horny as all hell both for the known entities in my life and those that challenge my thoughts.  If I could combine attributes of all the men that I find intriguing into one human this blog would likely go dark because I'd be homeless because I'd be trying to figure out how to please Him next and get fired from my job.  Ok that's not true, red likes having a place to sleep damn it lol and I like eating and I like talking about all the good sex I'm having but the key there is I'd be having some fucking amazing sex and I'd be talking about it a lot.
  • I am super duper insecure about my submission right now as well.  That seems to be a push pull for me.  My sexuality I understand pretty plainly.  I like sex and dominant men spark that need to orgasm.  However, it makes my brain fuzzy and I'm never quite sure if all they want is another ride on the multiple orgasm express (that sounds like a smutty story in the offing, makes a mental note of that) or they truly want to journey with me to the depths of my depravity which can frighten me sometimes as well.  There are places I can go with the right person that could fracture other people.  But the thing is I really want to see what life looks like on that side of the broken glass.  I don't want to do anything that would endanger my life necessarily--no cum dumps from men who have never had an HIV or std test ever for example--but I want to be legitimately pushed in way I have not been as of yet.  I'm afraid no one will ever push me there and I'm also afraid that once I'm there that I may not want to return.
  • Being insecure also makes me a touch on the needy side as well.  I want to hear that I'm being a good girl, that he wants me, that he has been thinking about me and doing depraved things to me.  It doesn't deaden the insecurity but it does keep it at bay for a while.  The other thing connected to that though is well two things are not unique to me I'm sure.  I literally fucking hate feeling this way.  It drives me to distraction to wait on a thing that proves I am still valued and wanted cause that is so fucking stupid.  Of course I am there is way more going on with my life than if some Dom some where wants to possess me.  But when I am feeling like this it's all I can think of and I feel tiny and weak and sad.  Additionally, what I need to provide that value is a moving target.  It won't be the same week to week let alone needy moment to the next needy moment.  I wish I could quiet that part of my brain.  The gym helps but eventually I leave and I'm back to waiting for the good girl stroking to buoy my spirits and make me independent again.
  • As I mentioned in my last post I'm also apparently stupid about how men flirt and may both be 1) missing the more subtle flirts and 2) ignoring the subtle disinterest.  I know I'm girly and soft and my boob size may indicate a level of stupidity that isn't accurate in the slightest I'd rather know if you're interested or not and what you are interested in.  green lantern and I were talking about trips that I take to see men I'm interested in.  I tend to pay for my vacations, that's how I see them most of the time anyway, because if I don't like you five minutes after I get there I don't want to feel obligated to spend anymore time with you.  That includes in state, out of the state and out of the states entirely trips.  I tend to travel well alone even though I haven't been out of the country alone ever so that will be an experience if I make it.  I really do want to go though, there are lots of places I want to see and know that my schedule may not work with anyone I know.  But even when it's just a few states over if you start acting like a prick or changing your mind about what we were going to do then I make alternate plans on the fly and enjoy my time away from my mother and mortgage.  But that's just if I've already made plans.  If you start acting weird then I don't even bother to book the reservations.  I'll miss you while I masturbate or until I find someone else who is more direct and available and interesting--hard trifecta I know but I'm too old to guess how you are feeling.  I don't like it, it starts that head dance crap from the previous bullet point.  If we are just fucking cool.  If we are just friends cool.  If you want to detain me in your basement and see which spanking implement I respond best too well that's damn cool and tell me where to meet you please and thank you.
  • I am a ridiculous flirt and can be all beyond the pale when it comes to making you hard.  I enjoy it, keep my brain juices flowing.  As I mentioned on a post elsewhere I cannot ask for the attention I want when I am feeling needy.  It's when that dose of boy is not helpful.  It is overwhelmed and overpowered by all that clear and present girl that makes me up.
  • And now it's starting to thunder and rain and all that horny is about to get ramped up along with the other stuff that spins from it.  Damn it.

No more late night snacks...they cause crazy dreams

I just as easily could have called this post it's all green lantern's fault but in my evaluations of what I did before bed it couldn't totally be placed at her feet.  We were discussing PP and the way we met, how we tend to interact and that over the time that we have known one another neither has said I love you to the other.  I love what you are doing or oh shit I love that probably but truthfully the sex has always made my brain fuzzy so I can't be sure about that right now either.  I mentioned before that he surprised me with his rather skillful mindfuck but we didn't make any magical declarations afterwards lol in fact we have resumed speaking sporadically, normally when I'm being nosy.  So while the conversation was partially enlightening in that I made some connections I hadn't before now it wasn't earth shattering. Apparently my subconscious disagreed though.  I kept hearing his voice throughout the dream but didn't really see him till the end.  However, it wasn't him initially but someone I had seen naked once and spent more time figuring out what color to paint my nails after he left than I did during the act. Stamina with length and NO GIRTH suckkkkkkkkkkkks.  Ok so initially I'm laying in his lap wearing lazy black boy shorts. He is stroking my back and talking and as I look at him his face is literally filling out and getting darker while I watch.  Facial hair grows in, hair gets darker and thicker and it feels like he's elongating beneath me.  He reads my face and says shh don't worry and something to the effect that I'll fuck you soon and smiles that smile at me.  I giggled and let him play in my hair and caress my skin while he kept telling me whatever else he was saying.  I woke up most decidedly alone and in my grandma nightgown and panties. I'd like to say I came in my sleep because that can happen but in this case I was just confused. 

And apparently I'm being slow again as AA (old PP, not the one that was just discussed) once told me.  I don't ever assume a man is interested in me or wanting to be more than a fuck buddy if they don't say so.  I am missing signals left and right so if you fall into that I have been trying to hit on you and you aren't noticing it camp let me know.  My bad but my brain has more boy than it should sometimes and I need direct and logical conversation otherwise I just assume the sex is good so we are all happy.  Oh and just so we're clear saying I would like to see you again just means that to me nothing more nothing less.  If that is code for I am thinking of how to tie you up and keep you then you should definitely say something.

Ok I'm fighting to stay awake now.  I wonder what my dreams will be featuring tonight.