School is in session day two

Friday, August 19, 2005
okay so i've been slacking in the posting but i do have a job beyond keeping Emperor smiling. and i go back and forth between thinking He wants me to keep my job indefinitely to thinking He'd be rid of me if anyone was remotely willing to do any of the things i am (sorry, had to pause and smile--thinking of those "things" always makes me blush and get excited). i'm sure things would be different if we weren't so far apart but trying to learn His wants and desires does consume me a better part of some days. on top of that i am just a chronic overachiever so i've been reading up on various websites about dom/mes and subs, contracts, collars, safe words, the difference between BD, D/s, and SM on top of the different "types" of subs that exist according to one site. i didn't fall into any one category at least not in my brain. by nature/nurture i have an intense desire to please the man i'm with, it does spill over into other areas but i'm more than capable of being a good speaker/worker and thus pleasing the powers that be. i can be a smart ass, i have been with others in order to elicit more "forceful" lovemaking but in general it's not my modus operandi. and truthfully i do have some masochistic leanings, if i didn't Emperor wouldn't intrigue me so, which makes the mix of pain and pleasure so wonderfully intoxicating. so i guess i'm more of a hybrid sub lol who wants nothing more than to make sure her Emperor is never displeased.

having said that, i often think have i gone off the deep end--will a vanilla relationship ever work for me again? honestly right now i don't know. it's most definitely not what i want as i type this. i mean i could be part of a vanilla couple given certain circumstances but i would choose to live my life as a sub with my Dom/Master. working and doing the things that i have to do in order to help support the relationship but relinquishing power and control to Emperor as soon as the world walled itself off from me when our door closed. i've read about Dom/mes having vanilla partners and then their subs which i guess works for them but i think my brain would fry if Emperor opted to marry someone "straight" and then keep me as well. i'm not even sure he would keep me as i can't think of a single friend of mine that would be okay with her hubby keeping a sub mistress. i'm not unopposed to being part of a extended little family as it were with Emperor still being my Master but the thought of anyone having more claim to him that i would distress me to no end. we haven't gotten to that point though so it's one of those worries i don't have to address often. if things progress to that stage i'll have to be honest with Him as i was before and just hope that things will turn out for the best.

the last thing i'll share today has to do with yet another thing i read over the last few days. the sub writing the article was very adamant about knowing what you want from a Dom/Master so that you are not emotionally investing in someone that would like to use you but not keep you. makes sense but we emotionally invest when we shouldn't all of the time. that's neither here nor there though. so the end of this post will begin to address what i want from my Master, who at the moment is Emperor personified so aren't i a lucky girl?
  • i would like someone who is open and willing to train me to their SPECIFIC needs: eliminates confusion for me and makes me happy to please them
  • i would like someone who is quite aware of my newness but still ready to make me the best sub i can be
  • i would like someone that sees the longterm potential in this lifestyle and wants to engage in it
  • i would like someone who despite my newness has such a sadistic streak that being aware of my limits only excites in Him a need to shove me beyond them moaning and screaming
  • i would like to spend days or weeks being spanked, choked, tied up and humbled by my Master
  • i would like to be in constant service to my Master
  • i would eventually like to be the alpha/collered sub in my Master's domain: i'm always willing to share as long as i'm remotely secure in my position in His life

now wasn't that basic and simple? here's what for the moment i know i don't want.

  • someone that is just toying around in the lifestyle
  • someone who will not consistently discipline me
  • someone who will not appreciate the gift of submission
  • someone not confident in their leadership
  • someone who is not interested in a longterm arrangement (longterm of course being negotiable)

both lists will grow or be changed i'm sure. i'll copy them and update them as needed. now i need to go, it's time to go corset shopping with my new friend Mistress Sidra so that i can find the perfect black corset before i see Emperor next. toodles everyone.


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