on developing patience

Wednesday, September 21, 2005
patience was the topic of discussion last night (thanks sidra). why am i rushing this? He is what i want. He represents something incredibly pleasurable for me so why keep intruding on His time and trying His patience. well because He's not like other men i've been attracted to in a variety of ways. men i meet love to talk about themselves and then end up telling me things they had no intention of ever letting slip through their lips. Emperor is not like those men. it's not exactly like pulling teeth but while i'm sitting at His feet (metaphorically that is ROFLMAO) He's not gushing because i'm there. some nights we have great stimulating and sweet conversations. other nights it feels like i really am just a nice kitty curled up at His feet that He periodically picks up to absentmindedly pet before placing back on the floor. but i end up sitting a little disoriented because i'm used to having to flee my "owner" to get some time alone and in this situation He is definitely controlling how long my leash is to continue the analogy.

so i'm going to attempt to really be a good "kitty" for a minute. i'll come when i'm requested. i'll do my own thing when i'm not. no my primary focus hasn't shifted because if this isn't what Emperor wants then i'll of course do what He wants and find another way to cope with my fluxing insecurities. some days you couldn't tell me i wasn't cute and He wasn't just happy as all hell that He found me. but just like every woman i struggle on those days that i'm not feeling my best or like most subs those days i'm unsure as to what is going to make Him happy. it's not my job to overthink Him but it is my job to be there when He wants me to be. to provide those things that He wants and desires as much as i can. it's a job i cherish so we'll see if i can really get my mind around resisting both the desire to demand information(so not gonna work lol) and to be upset cause He's not sharing what i'd hope or when. both work against my happiness and against my natural desire to just keep a smile on His face. i can't do that by antagonizing Him or when i'm not taking care to make sure i'm happy as well.

to that end i'm going to keep working on that present for Him. it may be coming along sooner than hoped. i'm gonna keep playing with launch cast and get ready for the end of my day.

red velvet

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