reality sucks but then again it doesn't

Saturday, September 17, 2005
yesterday the world we live in became very harsh and very personal once again. yes the hurricane has been devestating. yes the world at large is f'd up. but yesterday it all came crashing back in on me. i love my job but yesterday my brain hurt and all i really wanted to do was be with Emperor. i wanted to go home, cry on His shoulder, have dinner and then mount Him for some indefinite period of time. the pain that we willfully inflict on each other is not always able to be overlooked by the good we do. the fact that someone felt the need to kill an innocent young woman and leave her uncerimoniously to fester in her apartment has disturbed me to no end. and i haven't been in a place to even tell Him about that.

talking to sidra i kept thinking about what life might be like with Him. i started flipping through old text messages and realizing my heart gets all warm and fuzzy with Him. this whole belonging to someone again is what makes me smile. but i'm always worried, well not always that would be strange, that He is going to change His mind. that some other woman will be more submissive and more accomodating and closer to Him than i am. yeah i know at least one person reading this will say that's possible HOW but believe me i'm still learning so there has to be someone out there. maybe i do care about Him more than i'm aware of or am ready to admit to. oh that is so sad. a pseduo professional should be able to handle this better. but i'm not obviously, nor will i force the issue. sooner or later i'll let Him know that the gushing is genuine and while i'm not looking at forever right now six months is easily doable if He wants me there. i know He's said it before but i don't like working on old information as it were. i miss my Emperor le sigh.

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