they tell me this is normal

Saturday, September 24, 2005
but i am way more emotional now than i have been before. i can blame it on my hormones in flux but for some reason i can't leave it there. i haven't cared about anyone on any grand scale in years. this feels foreign and scary and i'm not sure He even wants me to feel anything. i'm not sure that i want to feel anything. the walls i had in place were comforting in a sense. relate to me naked and we're good. this is a few steps beyond that. He could destroy me if He wanted to. i'm giving Him that power and that terrifies me. now i know that doesn't make sense. why give someone the power to hurt you to the core? maybe it's just time for me to step back out onto the proverbial ledge and hope He doesn't let me fall.

i keep reminding myself that He's free to leave at will. He's free to do with me what He wills. He's the deciding factor for our immediate future. which makes my apprehension and worry silly because i'm trusting Him to be that person and He's given me no reason to think He's anything but happy with me. but since this is all very new and i'm just trying to stay ahead of the game i am beyond worried that i'll let Him down in some profound way that makes this situation untenable. i'm sure this all sounds silly but my brain has completely reshifted now and if i'm thinking about me then i'm thinking about us. if i'm thinking about us i'm thinking about what i can do to make Him happy in that equation. the emotional rollercoaster is just stemming from everything else that is going on with me right now. this will pass and tomorrow i'll tell you about how cute He was in the pictures He sent me this week, especially the one from Osaka. for now i need to finish my purple margarita.

red velvet

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