the ex-factor

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will


the song lyrics up to the right described my mindset perfectly about six hours ago. i almost wrote an entry then in a fit of anger. more than anger, i was truly frustrated and honestly i know anger fades but frustration is always palpable on some level. so here it was again that it was the middle of the night, i surely should have been asleep but my Master was up and to some degree i was entertaining Him. however, He was mostly entertaining Himself and would leave me sitting like a scolded child for very long moments. i wasn't being punished and i wasn't lashing out, i just was there feeling like an ornament in His life. i'm sure if i ever asked Him about moments like those He'll have experienced them totally differently which is His right. but it's my experience of them that leads me to write this now. it hurts me to be under His gaze but not on His mind. as my sole motivation is to make sure He's smiling when i'm not given an opportunity to make that be the case i don't feel useful to Him. not that my usefulness should be tied to my desirability at all but that's what ends up happening. if i'm not going to be used, what am i there for? but i digress because in a few hours i'm sure i'll feel like He's the greatest thing in the world again. i just wishthe icky feeling wouldn't get so intense but amazingly it's fading faster each time it comes and mostly with a thought from my brain to be still. i am still His and nothing can change that.
the plans for the trip are almost complete. i need to go on a minor shopping excursion but then i'll be safely ensconced within four walls with Emperor. it will be truly delightful except i've been ordered to read Him these entries then. i'm not sure how He'll react to some of them and while that makes me slightly nervous, all in all i think He needs to know these things He creates in me. dontcha think?
enough for now,
red v

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