i love the number 69 but we have to take it the rope's 70th post

Thursday, October 27, 2005
okay i've been a blogging maniac since i got back from seeing Emperor. what i am coming to realize is that i am having a few basic central problems.


  1. the distance from Him is neither enjoyable or desired. on a daily basis i wish that we had met before i started looking for jobs so that i could be with Him this evening and being delightfully pressured under His thumb or watching the stupid game with Him or giving Him some exquisite head so He might listen to the game but He definitely wouldn't SEE that bad boy lol
  2. He distracts me. i can be on this wonderful plan for the day but then i am suddenly and overwhelmingly distracted by thoughts of Him. probably a side effect of the distance but oh it's not pleasant.
  3. i need more reassurance (reassurance n : the act of reassuring; restoring someone's confidence) than i'm getting. if i ask, He quickly and politely tells me that pet you are overreacting darling, if I was unhappy you know I would tell you which is all well and good but clearly something is going on that isn't making me feel safe in that knowledge. that something is typically Him flirting. He's incorrigible and so am i in that respect but i'd never do it if i thought i was making Him uneasy. but i think that is where we differ. He knows i have no desire to roam so any flirting i'm doing is strictly recreational. i don't think He's desiring to roam but my subbie brain often concocts those scenarios if it seems as if He's enjoying His flirting too much.
  4. horror of horrors i think i'm getting jealous. never in life have i been more than momentarily jealous of any woman that any man i'm seeing may interact with. if he wants her so be it has always been my way of thinking. but i don't want Emperor enjoying anyone but me in that way. He's mine damn it go away. i'd never have a tantrum or cause a scene but believe me when i tell you this throws off my balance and belief in my old self ROFLMAO.
  5. i need a word for in between like and love. i haven't had a Clueless crazy buttmunch in love moment but i have to stop kidding myself and downplaying my emotions for fear of getting hurt. i am not in love but i love this man. somewhere deep in me He flipped on that unknown part of who i am and i both need and want Him to keep that piece of me alive and well.

so as i am realizing all of this i also realize that as i have spoke it into the universe i have to be ready for the fall out. loving Emperor can be the most blissful thing ever or it could send me bon a spiral into hell from which i'll be battling out of forever. admitting that i'm human and potentially fragile enough to be hurt by His "indifference" should it come opens me up to all the other things as well: adoration, subjugation, and painful penetrations :-). acknowledging what i need and what i may not be getting may also mean i have to let Emperor travel along His way without me in the end. regardless thank you all for continuing to follow along with me. i appreciate your words and thoughts.

red velvet


post-signature

7 comments

  1. I think every new relationship (I mean... seious???) are following that path... When we met... He was lost after a seperation from his wife of 15 years... A mess... fucking everything moving around... in lack of structures... and I recognised that, for having done the same... I was still doing almost the same... but on another scale... I was doing it because I was bored... and wanted to meet people... and the only people who wanted to meet me were those who wanted to fuck me... I never met anyone twice, before Him... He asked me to be the only one... I accepted, I was ok with that... all that time, He was fucking around... then... one morning, He asked me again if I could have sex with someone else or want to... to what I answer -'No.. I'm happy as it is...'... He went his place and mailed me that He would be happy to see back some of his ex fuckfriends... To what I answered 'Fuck you Batman!!!' and went on my own... for two days.... meeting three guys a day... and writing Him all the details of my encounters and asking Him if He was happy with what He was doing on His side... That second day... He came back to my place and since never left it... other than for business trips... and when I go crazy... when I moved with Him in Vancouver, I became awared of a kinky correspondance He was having since months and still pursuing, even after asking me to drop all mine... No need to tell you that I've more than ugly... more than bad... and went into anger crisis almost daily...
    Am I jealous??? I don't think so... it is a balance, you see... if He wasn't asking me to be better than Him, maybe I would have understand... but asking me... and not giving what He wanted fo Himself... no...that is THE sin... and it is taking advantage of someone going honestly inone direction...
    We kind of resolved that since... but I still feel bitter about all that... like I've been screwed up, one more time...
    So... don't think you are jealous because you feel... I think it is a normal consequence from deep emotions...

    ReplyDelete
  2. thanks for your story Jo. until He makes me feel otherwise, i trust Him but i am reacting to our seperation more than i expected. and you are right it is because i do care about Him deeply. i will not be seeing anyone else and i hope He keeps His word and does the same. but in a way i am okay with the jealousy, its reinforces my idea that this is different than the other relationships i have had and that He is much more important than the others were to me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Exactly what I used to say... 'If I didn't love you, I wouldn't care...' ;-))

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have often wondered if it is possible to completly submit with loving...

    I do know that it is possible to Master without loving, even for extended periods of time.

    I cared for her, I worried about her, I controled her, I trained her, I molded her, I carressed her soul, I made her crave me, I watched her fall deeply in love with me, I sheltered her, I possessed her, I altered her reality, ...... Yet I never really ever loved this one. Three years later she moved to California and we have not spoken since. Do I regret it? - nope. Would I have acted differently? - nope. Did make mistakes? - of course. But should I have loved her? - no.

    ReplyDelete
  5. that's an interesting point. i don't require His love. it would be a wonderful addition to things but it is not needed for me to both submit to Him and love Him. i have no storybook delusions about that means, i just know that He is my central focus and as a result gets my affection and caring and yes love. if He ever returns that basic emotion (not the let's be together forever thing) we'll be more than fine. i'm not sure i could let someone have possession of me if i didn't love Him. but it is something to ponder.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hummm... for me... there is question of submitting out of being in love... and being loved... and it is not easy... because often... when the Dom is in love, he cares to much to really dominate... a paradox...;-(

    ReplyDelete
  7. that would be interesting, i believe His sadistic streak would win out no matter how much He cared lol (i have faight in my little marquis de sade) and knowing the type of relationship He desires in the future i would imagine that it is necessary for Him to be able to have someone submit to Him even while He doted on her in their "real" life

    ReplyDelete