lucky me

Tuesday, October 18, 2005
okay do you remember the old alleged good luck chant: find a penny, pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck? i got out of my car today and say a penny right side up (heads up for those of you that might be wondering). i debated picking it up at all because as i said i'm still quite sore. i figured what the hell, after the funk i was in i needed to have some good luck before this day ended.

i have to be honest with myself and you all. the reason the funk overwhelmed me today is because i saw something Emperor had written that felt like it crushed my chest in. words that i shared with Him last night were on display for derision. granted a select group of folks would be able to see them but they would be able to see them taken out of context and ridicule them at their leisure. and they were having a field day and He was holding court. a piece of me and all that i felt for Him seem to freeze and fall away from me. that was probably more painful than seeing my thoughts out of place.

i told you all before that insecurity breeds discontent. well discontent can bring about a disconnect. for the moment i'm on pause. i left Emperor with high hopes and promises from Him that i was gladly looking forward to. i feel like i'm just waiting on the punchline now because i had to have been the joke. what happens when a silly sub girl falls hard for her sadistic Master? i may be overreacting but i'm tired and confused (SERIOUSLY) and He isn't making things better. at this point i'm not even sure that He could. but lucky me to end my day on this note. damn penny.

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