prayers answered?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005
so it's noon and i should be eating but of course i get to go home shortly after my next appointment so i figured it would wait. i'm thoroughly enjoying myself today. instead of thinking of a reason not to wear them i slipped on my black skirt with the grown up slit on the side, some sheer black hose, my three inch black heels and topped it off with a nice burgandy sweater with a cowl neck. had i really been thinking i would have grabbed the silver hoops and set it off with my ever present silver chain. instead, i put on my deep red leather coat and strolled on into the office. so far people want to steal my shoes and think i'm seriously cute lol. i curled my hair today too which just seemed to make me feel better.

and why, pray tell, should i need to feel better? the previously mentioned trolls that darken my doorstep did so again last night which wasn't major but the differences in our relational needs because more apparent again last night. Emperor is quite happy if we talk every few days and He knows that i am well because i blog or email or something. when i am incredibly busy that works but when i have downtime, real or acquired by procrastination, it makes me want to talk to Him since we can't see each other often. yes i know it's not necessarily fair to Him because i knew that going into things but it doesn't make me not want to talk to Him. on nights like that, there have been enough at this point lol, i have to do a prayer checklist. i'm not super religious but sometimes the praying gets the thoughts out better. and after talking to my girlfriend before bed i'm quite positive it was necessary for me to pray before closing my eyes.

i adore Emperor (yes i know you've heard this already) but every so often i get desperately afraid that some woman constantly in three inch heels with flowing hair and who by all accounts is insanely gorgeous and well read will show her subbie butt up on His doorstep and replace me. He's never given me any reason to think this and in fact goes above and beyond to tell me that He adores me as well but the thought is still there. don't get me wrong, i think i'm a cutie pie lol, but cutie pie is a long stretch from insanely beautiful. and i know realitically the chances of the aforementioned woman existing let along crossing Emperor's path may be slim to none but the chance scares me. so i prayed about that and what it was i wanted and who it was that God deemed to be with me. usually that solicits an unexpected call from Emperor--unless He's got a direct line to God I took that as a sign when it occured. on the rare nights the phone doesn't ring i dream about Emperor and i'm happy so i take that as a less obvious sign that maybe it's not time to step out of the heels yet (by the way being 5'6 kinda rocks but woo i'm clumsy in heels lol). when i woke up this morning there had been no call and for a brief moment i couldn't remember the dream so i have to admit that i started to pout. but then as if on cheesy cue it all came rushing back to me. bound and gagged with Emperor by my side fucking me ever so slowly and smacking my completely sore bottom before well let me stop there before i need to handle something in the bathroom.

several months ago i prayed and let God know i was ready in case He was somehow occupied with something else. within a month i met Emperor. i have talked to God since then and while i'm not quite sure our display of affection is one God intended lol i have to thank Him for sending Emperor to me. the differences periodically annoy the hell out of both of us but everytime i hear the phone start playing jigga (don't ask lol) or Emperor joins me in a dream i am nothing but positive that God got it right. so yeah i'm a cornball and i'm going to try not to kill myself on the way to the car but i am still quite happy.

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3 comments

  1. I know this issue quite well... and if, and if, and if... and I struggled with it often... an sometimes still.. my man is a traveller... and everytime he is away, I fear he could meet someone more interesting than me... He is also making a lot of online work, what means many e-mails exchanges, with chicks and guys... I hate that... because I will never know... what is work and what is... entertainment... Insecurity... some deal with it by being nice and cudling... my problem is that I shout and get mad... pfff... I envy you for being so calmm...;-)

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  2. lol don't envy me, i still have the emotions. they just don't make me productive and when i'm not productive i feel bizarre. besides He won't respond to me in any way that is good for me when i get bratty. as i have just been able to sit down without wincing i'm gonna calm myself down and call it a day lol.

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  3. Oh, yes... I do know what it is... just being a lump... I hate that... but I have it too, when I go crazy... I sit and drink and just do... nothing...pfff...

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