shock and awe then simple adoration

Sunday, October 02, 2005
for the first time in a minute i was jarred out of my happy sub state by an external source. i mean i do it to myself wondering if things are too good to be true or if i'm deluding myself by thinking Emperor really cares about me but i haven't been doing that lately either. well if the last two or three days can be considered lately lol. anyway back on tangent. i am online, had changed my yahoo messenger status message to something loosely translated into i love the way daddy spanks it (by the way if anyone can do a better french translation let me know). i get an accusatory im from an old friend: "so you have a new daddy?"

now this wouldn't have mattered to me if it hadn't been anyone else. it bothered me because it was him and i knew the conversation wasn't going to go well and true to form it didn't. he was cordial for a brief moment before attacking me for not thinking i had a viable dating pool during the time we originally knew each other. and for all of two weeks when i met him he seemed like a good option. then he said words i've never heard come out of a man's mouth, "i'm sexually intimidated by you." what in the world? i excited and repulsed him simultaneously. my sexuality intrigued him but the belief that he couldn't live up to my "standards" made him nervous around me. ok so that got old fast of course. and after he said something immensely insulting about me basically being a heathen who was being blessed while he was being holy and struggling any emotional entanglement i was pondering ended. he kept pushing, i told him directly that i couldn't see a future for us especially since i had begun communicating with Emperor who was reawakening my latent submissive tendencies.

i even told mr. clueless that was why i couldn't see a future for us. i need a Dom, one who i have a healthy respect for, that makes me tingle at the thought of Him, that appreciates every aspect of me and who could never be as dense as mr. clueless. he's kept record of everytime i've slighted him and brings it up on nights like tonight. saying i'm just not vibing with you doesn't register and telling him about Emperor would cause a holy war of which you'd never hear the end of so i finally apologized for whatever trespass i had now committed and was glad when he signed off. i was feeling funky then though. my day had gone relatively well then bullshyt from the cheap seats. and as if i willed Him online, Emperor was there and talking to me.

Him: HEY SWEETIE!
Him: I'm at this lame ass set.
me: lol
Him: This shit is awful.
me: should i feel excited You think of me at boring parties
Him: LOL I just logged on to see if you were on.
me: lol it's okay
me: i have been thinking of You for a moment now
Him: I thought of you also.
Him: I'm about to jet.
Him: TTYL.
Him: xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
me: xoxoxoxo
the entire convo couldn't have been more than five minutes, especially since He was on His sidekick and not His computer, but in those few moments i was recentered. so what if mr. clueless thinks i some how did him wrong. i've never been anything but honest and i have never reached out for him with false hope. and i told him that he needed a different type of girl because the type i am will never be able to make him happy. i am meant to make men like Emperor happy. men who view my submission as a gift and nurture it instead of trying to explain why i shouldn't always want to be in his control. five minutes and my life made sense. He'll be next to me in two weeks and that five minutes will be so precious to me because it made me His again.
ta ta for now
red

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1 comment

  1. :-) I don't know your level of connection with the mr.clueless... but you hold nobody nothing on MSN, for what I know...lololol...
    I often heared those words... 'I'm intimidated by women like you'... It happens I think, because I am a very sexual oriented, and Iknow what I want... I don't feel happy with someone who doesn't considere sex as an art... or a sport...;-) A quicky have to be very original to satisfy me...;-)
    I'm happy you had some good vibs from Emperor right after that!!

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