what is submission?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005
i have been wondering that for the last day or so. what does it me for me to submit to Emperor? i'm not a mindless drone of course. i have a fair amount of daily autonomy especially since we are so far apart. i am in His care and under His guidance but i'm not owned as it were yet. what we have at the moment feels a lot like a very structured hierachical long distance relationship which has its perks. but does it mean i have submitted?

on some days, most notably the days when our communication is highest and He has plans for my time, yes i can feel it more tangibly. He is Emperor and i am His pet (it sounds so cute coming out of His mouth but i digress) and all is right with the world. and then there are days when either one or both of us is incredibly busy and when i look up it's nearing midnight and we can barely exchange pleasantries before we go to bed. on those days, i sometimes feel adrift. that often leads to a small tantrum and me feeling not so much like a bad sub but not a sub at all. there was no guidance or instruction, no reaching for His or our goal. and i know the living of the M/s relationship is harder in a different way than the scenes but since i can't prove myself there often then how or when do i know i've done the right thing? and if i haven't then surely i need to be corrected right? i don't know honestly.

reading other blogs sometimes makes me incredibly envious. they have the structure i want and feel i am lacking from time to time. their Doms seem even more sadistic for a lack of a better word than Emperor. short of this aspect of who we are He would still be very important to me but the addition of it made me delightfully happy. it still does more often than not but i guess i'm waiting for the moment when i feel like my submission is whole and complete. that moment that even when i am terrified of the task or the event that my trust in Him is so absolute that i do it both without hesistation and to make Him proud. i'm waffling a bit emotionally today so forgive me if i have depressed anyone. i just miss my Emperor.

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4 comments

  1. Hey there. all of the trouble I went to - to be able to post a comment.

    I had a lengthy one written a few days ago but when I got ready to press send. I found out that I needed a login..etc..

    so I came back.

    no lengthy post this time but I do want to encourage you. Your desires and commitment are evident.

    things will work out.

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  2. You are talking of very difficult time... When He decided a few times to drop all D/s because of my past and His fear to disturb the therapy, I felt lost like I never did... like being rejected at the core... For sure, it wasn't His intention, but this was my feeling... Like offerig an unwanted gift... Your situation isn't the same, but I understand well when you write not feeling a sub at all... Those 'qualities' have to be needed and pushed for us to be happy, I think...;-)

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  3. Master engima,

    thanks for coming back, the login was to stop the random spamming that is less prevelant now. any words of guidance are appreciated.

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  4. thanks Jo, i think the blogging ends up sparking conversation between us, we spoke last night and i do feel a bit better

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