changes and rebirth

Friday, November 04, 2005
so here we are at friday. the day i cherish like no other lol. no idea why either the rest of the days aren't so bad but friday just seems to bring with it some release and god only knows how much i need that lately. i made a decision a few days ago that it was once again time to cut the dead weight out of my life. i accumulate friends and associates because heck i'm awfully fun to be around lol. i can have the most intellectual of conversations with you and then turn around and get you drunk off your behind and hook you up with that long-standing crush before i disappear into the night for an adventure of my own. it's usually a symbiotic relationship for a stretch and then i don't get as much from the person or the arrangement as i used to which effectively starts things on this current path.

truthfully, a lot of people make me annoyed. they spend so much of their lives degrading others that they hardly ever address what is really going on with them. i don't need that kind of tension and flat out bad karma in my life. if i don't like you i don't pay attention to you. i don't look forward to your moments of extreme failure with delight because you aren't on my radar at that point. i know too many people that aren't like that though and for that reason i go on these emotional house cleaning missions. with the exceptions of my blog and lifestyle buddies (whom i am really just getting to know) my buddy lists are carrying about 40 to 50 people. i routinely talk to maybe 10 of them and of that 10 i will have to say i'm only really emotionally invested in and take pleasure in knowing about 7 or 8 of them. that's barely a fifth of the people that have at some point considered me a friend but who honestly i haven't spoken to in months and in some cases years.

we grow and we change and that is always a good thing. and as i am growing into THIS phase of who i am as a sub/slave and a professional and just someone who is becoming more assured of herself i cannot keep people around who feel like anchors about my spirit. i have contacted most of those people over the last few days to let them know that once i really finish taking stock of myself and my value that i will be back in more consistent contact with them. i care about them and i want them around me. i contacted Emperor and if He hadn't frustrated me so much i probably would have spelled it out that plainly for Him as well. He doesn't do emotions well though so that may not have been a good thing anyway. i still feel calm with regards to Him, i am just unsure as to what place He wants to have in my life. and right now is just an awkard time considering He is in a great deal of pain at the moment and i probably seem like a spoiled child who is throwing a tantrum. heck i may be that as well but that doesn't mean i don't love Him still. that will come to pass as it is meant to however and i have faith that whatever is planned for me will be exactly what i need. part of me needs Emperor but that part isn't stupid enough to force His hand. (sorry i got distracted for a minute thinking about Him spanking and violating me lol) i'm going to get my balance back this weekend for sure and be back to my usual entertaining self.

have a good friday
red

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3 comments

  1. do you consider an sms as contacting people?

    le sigh...

    i just don't know about you. but then, i don't know about me, either.

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  2. yep and so did everyone else i contacted lol, but if you don't let's talk about it

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  3. lmao you know i have to give you shit, i have had no one to torment this week

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