eureka, epiphanies and by george i think she's got it

Tuesday, November 22, 2005
okay i know i've been tangential with the posts lately so this one should come as no surprise to you lol. i have spent the last few days bemoaning my plight as an oft neglected diligent pet. i bothered sidra for at least an hour discussing that i must be the prep girl for every man i know. meaning i get them ready to run off and be blissfully happy with someone else. i have even hypothesized as to why that might be (i had to be a philandering whore of a man in my most recent life and i am making up for that now by being the one they leave or maybe i didn't know how to commit and left people scarred so i'm dealing with my own perpetual loneliness now). as of this morning i have to make that resounding what the fuck ever. i may have been a whore in a past life, but i was happy and good at it lol if that was the case. and i may not have been able to commit because hell i'm not that good at it now. but really the underlying source of all current trauma, besides the insecurities, is a prior D/s trauma. i know you are all wondering what on earth i'm talking about but please let me explain ROFLMAO.

i had the most amazing dream last night. i wasn't the prep girl as someone pointed out skillfully to me then. i was in need of repair and that was why He walked into my life. He may need a bit of tweaking too but ultimately my lesson to be learned was to trust someone that i surrendered to and not have that tossed back in my face at a later date. i know you are still probably scratching your heads because i have repeatedly stated i'm new to all of this and i am save one glaring omission that i had blocked from my memory until last night's dream. when i was fifteen i met a man that i just knew would be my husband, and had he not twisted me inside out he very well may have been, and proceeded to date him till just shy of my twentieth birthday. over the course of our time together he got progressively more mentally and emotionally abusive until i finally got physically ill at the thought of him touching me. i coudln't leave though because i was his and his alone and to think otherwise would just lead to more upheaval and unrest.

he wanted my complete surrender to him which i happily gave which he exploited every way he possibly could until as i said before the thought of his touch made me ill. i left him and led a blissfully adventurous life. no serious commitments, tons of ridiculously fantastic sex and loneliness only if i gave breath to the word. did i love during that time? of course but because i wasn't loving with all of me, some had to stay hidden out of protection, it didn't work out and led me to take that much needed hiatus in 2001 which i didn't officially leave until late 2004. three years gave me time to reconnect to most of me but Emperor threw that dormant switch and reignited that submissive part of me. my resistance to Him when there has been any and my fear caused by His periods of "neglect" (more like time to do what He needs to without me hovering) are based on my latent belief that He will treat me much as the first one did and cause me unknown pain. nevermind that Emperor knows full well how damaging that could be or that unlike the first one while He possess a sadistic streak He relegates that to play time and doesn't bring it out in our daily interactions. the fear was there and ruling all that i perceived on one hand which was unfair to Him. so Emperor i truly apologize for that piece of my behavior because yeah it damaged things unnecessarily.

don't get me wrong there are still points that we still don't see eye to eye on and probably never will. there are things i can learn to accept and things i'm sure He will learn to accept about me. but even if none of that never comes to be the way either of us wants it to be it was good to have that discussion last night and doubly wonderful to have that dream. i blocked him because it wasn't time to remember that and now that i have i can do and be better than i have been. so yeah for special dreams lol. and i'm including this picture below because all of this made me think of that photo, you know that whole slogan--knowing is half the battle lol.




Fire Fairy


You are a Fire Queen. You are a Brave warroir and
you know how to fight for yourselve and your
kingdom. Your kingdom is very strong and
wealthy. You might get in some wars but mostly
you win and you fear nothing!


What kind of Queen are you? ( With BEAUTIFULL pictures)
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Aurilite (priestess of the goddess of ice)
Your French name is
~Congele~
which means 'frozen'.
People like to call you antisocial and mean, but
you really just like to be alone. Although they
don't realize that, just like everybody else,
all you want is to be accepted. But since no
one sees this, you like the company of you and
you alone.


What is your French name?
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HASH(0x8bc4d48)
Your beauty lies in your soul.

There are so many unlike you in this world. You're
like a very rare diamond. No, diamonds can't
shine as much your soul.


Your motive:

To help others in need and maintain happiness
withen others around you.


Your quote:

If you fall either I fall with you or I'll catch
you pull you back up.


Your colors:

Silver and Gold


Your song:

Wings of a Butterfly - HIM

"Come on and show them your love. Rip out the
wings of a butterfly."


Please rate and message.


Where do You Find Your Beauty? (Gorgeous Pictures and Touching Results)
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HASH(0x8ca3b94)


You're crazy! YAY!
Now, if the world had more people like you, we'd be
cultivating chocolate and the ozone would be a
thing of the past.
^_^ Have a nice day.


Insanity Test
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