is it just a question of balance

Wednesday, November 02, 2005


Balance

In relationships, we are continually called upon to come into better balance with each other. Partners can often be at odds, going in different directions. One may focus on work, the other wants to play. One might need more solitude, the other wants more togetherness.

Do any of your partner's wants currently differ from what you need? This can lead to struggle -- or a chance to find better balance in your own life.

Start by quieting down and centering yourself, like the great blue heron in the picture to your left. Ask yourself, "By honoring what my partner is asking for, how would I become more balanced in myself?" Be honest with yourself.

Then talk to your partner: "What each of us wants is valuable. We do not have to create conflict. How can we create better balance and get both of our needs met?"


when i woke up this morning i was on FIRE to blog. i had been perpetually worried about Emperor and He was off enjoying His medication and telling others of His plight. i had been shelved again from my perspective and i was hurt and beyond that i was pissed but not just at Him. i was mad at myself for allowing this situation, like others in my life to overwhelm me right now. people keep taking and taking and taking but no one is giving me anything to restock myself. my rational brain says well you aren't asking for it but i disagree, i have asked and i have begged and i finally stop because people don't seem to understand that. the only person i have been explicit with is Emperor and that keeps seeming like it's biting me in the ass when i give Him what He wants. i know i was perky and happy yesterday and i will be again before the day is over but i need to get this out. i don't want to come second or third or fourth for anyone including my Dom. i know things will prevent Him from tending to my every waking need, especially since that's not His job in a sense, but keeping me locked in the bedroom like a bad puppy while He is off doing whatever isn't helping things. as for others, they mean well enough but i feel as though the last few months has been a test of my sanity and i was starting to lose. i'm taking a people break for a while. i may blog or i may not but i need a break from those that do not nurture anything in me but confusion right now.

i posted the card above because i was looking for something else, as usual, and it seemed fitting that i found it. my life is out of balance. i am not getting back what i put out which has drained me of my belief in myself and self-sufficiency. i am angry and hurt and it's because i let myself get here again instead of stopping when i needed to and taking care of me. my life is out of balance, i accept that, i have to fix it so i can move on. i went clicking some more and this is what i found.



Polarities

Partners can contrast with each other in so many ways. Optimist-pessimist, introvert-extrovert, dreamer-realist, emotional-rational, wanting closeness-needing space, showing anger-disliking anger, just to name a few.

Too often, we fight over whose way is "right" and how things "should" be done. Like monkeys on a seesaw, we can polarize in a struggle over our differences.

It's powerful to see that differences with a partner are doorways to our own wholeness. How does that work? Well, actually, our partner is showing us an undeveloped aspect of ourselves. The fight is less about them and more about our own inner struggle with that quality they are showing us.

If we are truly courageous, we could learn from them. But at least we could bring more acceptance to that quality and reduce some unproductive friction.


Transformation

Relationships occasionally go through times of stress or change. Often partners react with upset and blame each other. Sometimes they split up.

It's important to remember the butterfly. Emerging from the cocoon is also a time of stress and change.

Like cocoons, all difficulties have within them potential for positive transformation.

Instead of dwelling on the undesirability of a problem, accept that things are the way they are. Explore what the situation can teach you. Ask yourself, "What is the pattern I am stuck in? What can I let go of, learn or do different now?"

Find the positive opportunity that is hidden - perhaps the chance to learn something new to create the loving relationship you truly want. Face up to fears. Turn obstacles into topics to explore. Talk to your partner about how it's an opportunity for mutual growth.




Perspective

Perspective can help resolve a difficult situation. When you're charged with emotion, things become distorted. Caught up in feelings, the ability to be constructive slips away.

Perspective can help. It is the act of rising above upset, and like the eagle, seeing the big picture. It is a skill you can develop. Practice it whenever you start to get upset.

Here are ways to gain perspective:
• Breathe in 10 slow, full breaths.
• Take a bathroom break.
• Call "Time Out!" and stop for awhile.

Call "Time Out!" whenever you are even close to to losing it. Don't wait a moment more.

Say, "I need some time out here, so I can get some emotional distance. I'd like to take positive steps on this issue. Let's get back together in an hour when I can be more resourceful."

Go away and center yourself. Ask yourself, "What might my partner truly need right now? What do I need? What's the most positive way to discuss things to get our needs met?"

so maybe the time out is necessary. maybe i need this if i want to be with Emperor or anyone else. i need to not feel like i'm on the shelf but i need to be able to handle it if that is what has happened or i have to be ready to walk out the door. i have to get better about balancing the drama that other people enjoy spewing at me and recognizing those that care about me in a positive fashion. i have to stop letting people sap what is good and wonderful about me if they are not helping me stay that way. i will not run but i will no longer stay where i am not wanted. there are entirely too many people and places that would be happy to have my being with them to get entangled with those that don't. i'll send out one more message to those that i care about if i haven't already and then i'm shutting down the emotion factory and they will have to feed their own needs for a while. don't worry folks i know i'll be okay i just need to take a deep breath and move forward.

love ya all,
red

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4 comments

  1. I don't know how to feel. My nilla side is kicking in, and I really feel at fault, like I have to do something to fix this.

    I apologize for being one of the contributors to your stress.

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  2. ahh not your fault, read your mail

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  3. red velvet, I think it is a good decision... when you feel overwhelmed like that, it is good to take a distance and look at what you want... and I feel one time to tell you to think of your needs first... If there is something I learned from all the D/s and BDSM groups I read in the past it is that being sub or slave doesn't make us needless... and to have that wonderful balance, to feel that whole, the needs of both partners have to be fullfilled...
    Take care!!!

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  4. i am jo, thanks for checking on me, i just lost track of myself for a moment, can't recenter when you don't even remember where the body is lol, things are much improved

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