my mind is still

Wednesday, November 30, 2005
yep you read that correctly my mind is STILL. it's quiet in there for the first time in a long time when i was awake. things are clear to me on one hand and cloudy to me on the other. i haven't spoken to Emperor since Sunday. we flirt, sort of lol, on another board that we both frequent but it's never explicit enough to raise any eyebrows and i like it that way. but seriously we've had no communication since Sunday. i was momentarily upset about that last night. then someone mentioned His name and i did this:


then i relaxed and sat back against the pillows and watched tv. i can't have what i want right now. i can't be tied up and tormented in the evening when i get home. i can't be at His beck and call. i can't accidently break into His friend's house and get punished for it. i have to keep focused right now. there is a lot going on for both of us and i have to respect His time the same way i expect people to respect mine. maybe it's unrealistic to think this can or will work out. maybe it's unrealistic to doubt that it will but the feeling won't go away regardless. when i lay down to fall asleep He will be on my mind. when i wake up shower and look over at that paddle i will think about Him. and i will be hoping that He will be daydreaming about me as well. i do miss Him of course, but i don't feel lost or confused the way i have in the past. the feeling is good and i will let it rule my cranium until its not enough and then i will try something else until either one of us is on bended knee, tied to a rack, bouncing a really fat bald headed person on our lap, wishing the other a peaceful journey as time on the earth ends for one of us or rushing away from one another in a panic cause we truly just can't stand one another anymore lol.

whatever the eventuality, i can't force it into being. that's not my choice and really it's not His. there is some reason we sparked an interest in the other. it may have just been a kindred spirit thing but really considering the timing of it all it was either fate the Lord or the Devil. though i make a lot of jokes i doubt seriously the Devil is on my side this time lol. so if it's fate or a higher being, until that interest is gone it's not my job to overthink it. i just get to enjoy the clarity and comfort that comes from caring about someone else.

swear i didn't rig the results lol....
HASH(0x8bac924)
You are the color red. You are the most
controversial of all the colors. You are often
easily angered, but as easily as you got
excited, you come down. When angered, do you
have the tendency to be malicious? Afterwards,
do you end up begging for forgiveness? Maybe.
But you're incredibly generous, and, odd
enough, needy. You love to hate, and
sometimes, you hate to love. This color
describes you as generally edgy. When in a bad
situation, you're pessimistic, and when you're
in a good situation, you're extremely
optimistic. You're painfully tempermental, and
sometimes it hurts the ones you love. But with
an exciting and stimulating attitude, you enjoy
talking to people and being social. But aside
from your bold and outgoing attitude, you're
attention-needing and attention-getting. This
color is associated with lust and desire--and
you are both lust and desirous. You're a
protective person when it comes to the people
you love. You're incredibly sharp-witted and
powerful (not to mention intelligent!).


What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

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