bad dreams because of the bad subverse juju

Monday, December 26, 2005
i had a bad dream last night, not one that hasn't happened before but it still makes me uneasy when it reoccurs. after what has been a pretty good weekend all things considered with my family and Emperor through our contact, my brain took off to parts unknown and revisited my current greatest fear: that Emperor will leave and for someone that more readily fits His ideal. the fear had dissipated right around my birthday. not sure if it was endorphin high or what but it was gone and i was happy i'll be honest. then last night as if it never left i was sitting and listening to Him tell me how blissfully happy He now was with His perfect sub that required no training who was 5'7 and 120 pounds and who's luxuriously long hair was great for pulling. He wished me well and then invited me to His wedding. of course i woke up in a panic. i had a missed call and was hoping i really had dreamt all of that and not hung up on Him in the middle of the night when He shared the news. the last forty minutes i've been writing Him an email about all of this but i haven't sent it. i doubt i will. my fear will manage to consume me soon and i'll just bottle it up next to the should have been opened and saved myself some trouble at the time bottles. i know i always say knowing the truth is better than living a lie with my clients but guess what that's not true. living a lie can be quite pleasant for at least one person involved especially if they are unaware that it is a lie. ahh but there's the rub i don't know a damn thing. i just had a bad dream and He has done nothing to warrant it or my panic about the dream. i want to just go back to bed and have a more pleasant dream but i don't think i can as it's nearly lunchtime and my family is mostly awake now. oh god this sucks.

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2 comments

  1. Red,

    Take a deep breath hon. There, breathe in.... breathe out...

    I can't even begin to tell you how much I identify with this particular fear. Rush is growing so fast as a dominant, that I get frightened at times that I could never possibly fulfill Him, that in time He will want to "sow wild oats" as a dom, test out other subs. I get insanely jealous of the slightest attention He gives anyone else. It's not that I feel myself lacking so much as it is my certainty that He will need to explore His dominance. The funny part is I never "explored" my submissiveness that way. I discovered who and what I was and it laid dormant until He came along. I didn't go around testing a bunch of doms lol. Why I should think it would be different for Him, I don't know, but there it is.

    And of course, the whole wife thing.. isn't it strange that I feel She's less a threat to me than a "perfect" sub might be? I know very well She does not and cannot fulfill every part of Him. But there are still moments when I think about the fact that She is the familiar, the comfortable, what He has known for years and years.. how much easier it might appear to Him to stay with what He knows, to turn His back forever on me and on His own dominant nature to have that sense of familiarity and comfort.

    It's only natural for us to wonder and worry I think. There are differences in our situations, but the same basic fear is there, that we are somehow not enough, that some magical person out there will come along who is, and we will be the ones to hurt. I comfort myself when I feel that fear by remembering the plain and simple fact that He OWNS me. That whether I fear or not, whether He chooses to leave me or not, whether He finds another person or not, the bottom line is it is HIS choice, not mine.

    ALL I can choose is either to accept fully His dominion over me and trust that He will see to my best interests, or allow myself to wallow in the likely unjustified fears that hold me back from finding real peace. It's a very conscious choice, and one I make at least daily, but it does bring a modicum of comfort to know that that is my *choice*.

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  2. Taylor thanks, i do feel better now but it is something i have to wage war against. i want Him happy and i know that may mean without me but ohh that was not a happy dream lol. we spoke briefly earlier and thankfully i was calm by then. you're right though, i tested no one, He was what i wanted and all that i can imagine needing in a lot of ways. oh well hopefully when i get home i'll be good and relaxed again. night and thanks.

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