the word for the day is: reassessment

Friday, December 09, 2005

Re`as*sess"ment

  • n. A renewed or second assessment.
  • n : a new appraisal or evaluation.



yes that is the word for today. after reading lionette's response to a person whose identity i won't speculate on lol it occured to me that this is what i have been struggling with the last few days, weeks even. i am trying to figure out who i am in relation to Him and what is it that is making me hesitant to trust Him without question. i know i seem to be in a different space daily with Him as of late. there are days when i could never be more enamored of Him and the changes He has made in my life. and there are days when it seems like i'm one misplaced word from asking to be released. of course you know i like the enamored days much more and the days when i'm on edge just seem to take all of my focus to muddle through.

i explained this to sidra a few nights ago on the phone. His touch silences all doubts in my brain that i should be anywhere but where He wants me to be. but He can't spend 24 hours a day touching me. and even that high i get afterwards has to fade eventually so even if the touching was just eight (dang that would be a lot lol) or four or two hours a day when the haze is clear my doubts return. i want to be wanted. i guess that is the subbie plight. we want to know that we are pleasing someone as that in turn will please us. from our initial conversations to now, something has changed. well duh, a lot has changed but i mean in the most basic of senses that my need of Him may now be overwhelming Him. that's fair if it happens to be true. a new sub is HIGHLY demanding and draining i would imagine and i am nothing if not a new sub. as wonderfully intuitive as i think myself to be sometimes i cannot transfer that ability to my own life, especially not with romantic entanglements. i need to hear the words, see the words whatever, in order to know what is desired of me and this is across all of my prior relationships not just with Emperor.

i want a few basic things at this point and Emperor has acknowledge He may not be able to meet those wants even though we haven't fully addressed them yet--well the ones that would require His effort.

  • i want Him to be happy, it's a common wish i have for all the men i have ever dealt with but very much in this case do i want Him to be happy, whatever that looks like for Him and whether it involves me or not--no one should have to be unhappy in this life if something can be done to prevent it
  • i want structure and rules, i need the ritual so that part of myself can feel useful to Him despite our distance--it may seem a mundane or silly thing to complain about, why not be happy that you aren't put to task more often with things designed to make you fail or frustrate you. it probably is a silly thing to complain about but seriously i have too much autonomy for my own liking
  • mostly though i want us to continue being an us after all of this negoiating is over. that may not be possible especially if Him being happy is being without me but it is one of the wants.

i let myself sink too deeply without provocation. coming out of it has been difficult. He may not have wanted what i was trying to give Him so stepping back now and waiting for His guidance to be made clear has been frustrating at best. that dull ache is still there though so i know that He is still very important to me and i guess i just want to be important to Him as well. i know there are other options for me, that has been apparent for months as others have tacitly inquired to my status when i have not been collared and claimed by Him. but i knew then that i was His collar or not. if He opts to part ways then i guess i will look to those options but for now we are both apparently just waiting. i for Him and He for i'm not quite sure. it will get better regardless. i'll either be keeping a wonderful little sadist smiling or i'll be shopping for a new little sadist and somewhere in the midst of that i will be smiling through my tears with all the strength my masochistic little heart can muster.


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2 comments

  1. so in return for a dose of your coma-like sleep (see my comments - thank you thank you thank you) you seem to have gotten a dose of my "reassessment" bug... u do seem to be handling it better than me.
    just don't let it get you down too much - trust me. what you have with Emporer sounds very special and the fact that you simply want his happiness, regardless of what that involves, is a true testatment to your willingness to love someone completely. and for this i admire you. (the blog "you" anyway lol)
    *hugs

    as to the identity of Anon. i think u've guessed who that is... pffft - men!

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  2. lol the blog me thanks you, glad you were able to get some rest. i think too much so i've hashed this out too many times and it sometimes makes me appear like i'm more ahead of things than i am. i do care about Him but i recognized people aren't always meant for one another and i have to be grown up enough to know this was an experiment for both of us. if it works out at all it is because we made it and not just because we were destined to be with one another. ahh well, back to work.

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