that's what little girls are made of

Friday, September 30, 2005 1 comment
okay so i'm tired, my head hurts again, my back is hurting and needs to be rubbed but guess what? i'm happy. well i'm slightly upset with myself. i'm watching sex and the city again. i detested the concept of this show when it originally aired but after being bombarded with questions and comments from friends, and out of sheer boredom, i took a sex and the city which character are you quiz. and horror of horrors i was carrie. why horror you may ask? well honestly because i didn't need anything reinforcing my aversion to love and romance and happily ever after. the fiercely independent woman in me who was used to serial monogamy was slighted that i was no longer unique but destined to love one emotionally unavailable man after another till i found my big. the ultimate in unattainable man that i'd never be able to shake from my system. so i ponder my love life and there was my version of big (so i thought:) marcus. arrogant, sexy, wonderful kisser, beyond talented in bed, orally gifted and happy to explore and my one addiction for the beter part of a decade. i was distraught when he got married and thought i'd just have to pine after him forever. thankfully that wasn't the case, i met Emperor but it leaves me wondering something new again.

do i just fall in love when it's clear they are difficult SOBs, after they are no longer available because they are with someone new or after my patience has worn thin so i can't maintain the facade of a relationship? am i still transferring missing my daddy as a child to the eventual abandonment i think i'll experience in my relationships? am i really just like all the other girls and fragile/sugary and looking for that man, big as it were, to come and make me his own? oh that depressed the hell out of me at the time but i had to be honest. i have a tendency to let the emotions fester until the absolute wrong time or until he's moved on so far down the road i'm really just giving them the synopsis on why it didn't work out. i couldn't justify my plans with potentially deeply held desire to be "daddy's little girl" to some nice grown man.

then i met Him, my Emperor, maybe my big. i'd happily be His little girl all full of sugar and spice and everything nice. well nice enough because let's be real me in a corset and 3 inch heels would make some naughty things happen i swear. last night in a rare turn for me i told Him the truth while it still might actually do some good. i told Him that i care about Him and want to make Him happy. that i struggle with letting Him have His space and my need to feel His hand in my life. and that as much as i respected His domain and plans for us that it pained me to think that i'd have to share His affections with anyone. as usual i completely surprised my belusted (yes i made that up, we aren't in love so He can't be my beloved) but this time i was happy after the conversation. i made Him blush, He was happy with His pet and i was happy being His darling girl. so maybe this is what little girls are made of? warm fuzzies that when properly held will make both she and her lover immensely happy. who knows? but i can't wait to find out.

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i'm wondering if....

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 3 comments
okay i'm having a moment here. i greatly enjoy the time i get to spend with Emperor online and in person. i enjoy when i do something to gain His favor. it makes me smile to know that He is pleased. but it doesn't feel like a comfortable situation right now. i'm sure i'm being sensitive unnecessarily so but it is not fun to wonder if He is okay, if i'll hear from Him, what i can do to make Him happy. i want to know what He needs from me and it seems as though i'm really stressing Him out instead of helping. again i may just be expecting too much, and not in terms of us running off into the sunset to live happily ever after, but maybe He's just occupied with work and another upcoming trip. i'm not sure i just need a better focus. so i'll just keep reading and waiting and wondering for now.

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sweet dreams are made of these

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 3 comments
okay so i went to bed late last night as you already know. He met me there again. i can't recall all of this one now, i should have written this morning, but He's been there a lot lately. i just remember feeling very safe with Him and happy that He had chosen me. before our last communication breakdown He visited me in my dream. i was on my knees in the house waiting as He came through the door. He stroked my head and unzipped His pants. i quickly engulfed Him with my mouth and sucked gently until He made me stop. i stood up and helped Him off with His coat as He went to sit in an arm chair. i brought Him the mail and a drink before dropping to my knees again and helping Him take off His shoes. He tugged on my collar and pulled me toward His erection which i happily took in my mouth again. we stayed that way for a short while until He unloaded down my throat. i stood up and grabbed dinner from the oven. i served us both and we sat down and had a pretty basic discussion over the meal. as i put the last dish in the dishwasher He told me to meet in our playroom. i undressed and slipped on the higher heels He liked me to wear at home. i took His toy bag from the closet and hooked my collar to the heavy chain in the center of the room. i knelt and waited for Him to enter. as He came around the corner i handed Him a riding crop and heard it whooshing through the air before my alarm went off and woke me up. ahh well it was nice while it lasted.


red velvet

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planes, trains and automobiles reservation time

okay so it's really late and as a result this may be a short post. we talked tonight. probably one of the last nights we will this week since He is going out of town this weekend. back to where i used to live actually for an event. of course i'll miss Him but i'll also be busy this weekend so i doubt it will be that intense. i told Him how i was feeling and at least for the moment He was receptive. we agreed not to let things fester and to talk to one another when needed. again i'll always be the more talkative one. it's what i do for a living after all but simple things like Him saying He was also frustrated by the distance between us was comforting. my needs aren't always in sync with His and especially this last week as i was pms'ing it didn't help at all. we seem to be better and connected for the moment. i'm not sure how long it will last. we firmed up dates for my trip and the sleeping arrangements which led to an odd conversation i won't get into now. it felt nice and safe being His pet again. i hope it doesn't fade off quickly.

i dreamt about Him yesterday. we were scening. He had me bound tightly and was forcing Himself down my throat. i sighed as He stroked my face and told me He had a surprise for me. before i knew it i was basically dangling from the ceiling as He moved around me spanking various parts of my body till i started moaning and screaming and orgasming wildly. He let me rest long enough to nut in my mouth. He let me slide down onto our bed and proceeded to fuck me wildly until we both feel asleep. i woke up a short while later. maybe it was foreshadowing the trip. ahh well let me retire for the night. thanks to all those that are visiting.

Le maître, avec tout mon coeur que je Vous suis consacré et Votre bonheur ; plaire ne pas employer improprement le cadeau qui m'est.

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je suis fatigue

Sunday, September 25, 2005 8 comments
Je suis le Maître si frustré. Vous m'avez appelé pour les semaines et il n'est pas arrivé. J'ai besoin de plus que le message immédiat occasionnel et je veux entendre Votre voix. Je ne peux pas être un bon esclave à Vous si Vous me gardez tout le temps si soucieux. Ceci n'est pas amusant pour moi maintenant et je sais que je pourrais être jamais le si beaucoup d'amusement pour Vous. S'il vous plaît être honnête avec moi et jouer agréable si Vous pouvez. Vous savez que je ferai n'importe quoi pour Vous plaît si ne me fait pas ceci plus.

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return of the list

well i figured i should dust this off and revisit it now. the last time i put it up was mid august and we're almost in october now. there will be some modifications i'm sure.


  • i would like someone who is open and willing to train me to their SPECIFIC needs: eliminates confusion for me and makes me happy to please them (ADDENDUM--i've come to realize my happiness to serve is always present, i do believe that my need for training has intensified though and i don't think that will fade soon)
  • i would like someone who is quite aware of my newness but still ready to make me the best sub i can be (ADDENDUM--inconsistency makes me uneasy, i don't like it)
  • i would like someone that sees the longterm potential in this lifestyle and wants to engage in it
  • i would like someone who despite my newness has such a sadistic streak that being aware of my limits only excites in Him a need to shove me beyond them moaning and screaming (hasn't really changed i just LIKE that statement lol)
  • i would like to spend days or weeks or forever being spanked, choked, tied up and humbled by my Master
  • i would like to be in constant service to my Master
  • i would eventually like to be the alpha/collared sub in my Master's domain: i'm always willing to share as long as i'm remotely secure in my position in His life (ADDENDUM--my preference is to be the only one but Master's wants are paramount so whatever He desires is what is most important as long as i can handle them)

now wasn't that basic and simple? here's what for the moment i know i don't want.

  • someone that is just toying around in the lifestyle
  • someone who will not consistently discipline me
  • someone who will not appreciate the gift of submission
  • someone not confident in their leadership
  • someone who is not interested in a longterm arrangement (longterm of course being negotiable)
  • someone who does not share with me what i can do in order to better serve Him (addendum)


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planes, trains and automobiles

around midnight last night, somewhat jokingly i hope, Emperor suggested i come see Him NOW. well that would so not be a problem if He lived around the corner. hell i'd probably never be home if He was that close. even if He were a few hours away i could have swung it. i miss Him and nothing would make either of us happier than to have some time alone. but Emperor is 10 hours from here on a good day. after ten hours on the road i don't think i'd be a good toy for Him which would make me terribly upset. so i being who i am figured it was a good time to tell Him about the flights because He wanted to know when i could come in to visit. i could have bought the tickets then but i want to make sure it's okay with His schedule before i do so. i mean there are other people i could see in town but then i'd have to actually pack versus what i planned on doing for this trip. i'm off tangent now. i tell Him about the ticket and the weekend i'm thinking and then nothing. not a nope that doesn't work. not a nope i want you here sooner. not a single solitary beep between then and when he logged off over an hour later. no promised phone call. nothing. this is what happens with us sometimes. it feels like we're having a good conversation and then i'm an afterthought. it confuses me greatly and makes me wonder why i keep doing the good kitty thing. but when i'm basking under the careful attention of Emperor it makes perfect sense. the problem is that's happening more infrequently lately. it makes me nervous and unsettled and that's not good. the only positive thing is it momentarily tempers good kitty but the more that is tempered the more i left to ponder things i don't want to ponder.

i told you before i don't want to look for anyone new but i need something more i guess. well more from Him and i don't know if He wants to give it to me. drifting off into my unhappy place for a moment. bye everyone

red

eta: sometimes i know Emperor is absentminded and sometimes He just forgets He didn't tell me what He was planning on doing but each time it happens i feel horrible. i know He's talking to other people that know what is going on with Him and i don't. it's never the same person (which in and of itself is amazing) but there's always someone new. if we were living that dream i had it would be much nicer. if i was there with my collar on kneeling when He came in from wherever waiting to take care of Him like i want then yes things would be better. He still may flit off to do whatever He likes but at least i'd have my time with Him. right now He just makes me fidgety and disquiets my brain. back to unhappy place now.

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so here we are again

Saturday, September 24, 2005 No comments
i'm feeling better now. i have been less than stable this last week. the student dying, me being so far away from Emperor and then the unexpected hormonal whirlwind that is my period all left me in a funk. i cried last night, like retardedly copiuos tears because i couldn't think of a thing to make it right. i spend all of my time at work helping other people fix their lives. at 1AM this morning i couldn't think of a thing to fix my own. it's a horrible feeling which makes the distance even more annoying. He was bored at the function He attended and i needed to be doing something else. talking to Him, adoring Him, basking in the wonderment that is Him would have been a welcome respite from the solitude that is here in my silence. it was just overwhelming last night. thankfully i finally went to bed not too long after that last post. and i really am just waking up for good within the last few hours. the rest was good, i dreamt about Him and i woke up happy again. so interesting what unconsciousness and a good dream will do for you.

so i'm awake and reading. every site shares something different about what it is i hope to be able to do. each one sounds like they know the subject matter inside out. but at the end of the day the only person that can really tell me what i should be doing is Emperor. i know what i think of my options: sub/slave, either works for me because i'll be serving Him. the difference really comes in the interpretation. can i just be an extremely devoted sub or at some point does that cross over into consensual servitude/slavery? Emperor thinks i'm already treading the end of the spectrum and most of the time i agree. if i didn't i wouldn't still be with Him or get so excited when He calls me His slave.

so for now i'm reconnected to my center and can be a good kitty. i do need to speak with Him about our visit and some other things. i'll keep you posted. for now i need to do some organizing of things and getting back to the real world.

red

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useless info phase iv

My inner child is sixteen years old today

My inner child is sixteen years old!


Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla


Tramp Bear
Tramp Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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Bondage Bear
Bondage Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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nemesis
Nemesis


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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kiss my ass2
congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy
bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.
You must be so proud


which happy bunny are you?
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Matrix!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are BRUCE!
Which Finding Nemo Character Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla


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they tell me this is normal

but i am way more emotional now than i have been before. i can blame it on my hormones in flux but for some reason i can't leave it there. i haven't cared about anyone on any grand scale in years. this feels foreign and scary and i'm not sure He even wants me to feel anything. i'm not sure that i want to feel anything. the walls i had in place were comforting in a sense. relate to me naked and we're good. this is a few steps beyond that. He could destroy me if He wanted to. i'm giving Him that power and that terrifies me. now i know that doesn't make sense. why give someone the power to hurt you to the core? maybe it's just time for me to step back out onto the proverbial ledge and hope He doesn't let me fall.

i keep reminding myself that He's free to leave at will. He's free to do with me what He wills. He's the deciding factor for our immediate future. which makes my apprehension and worry silly because i'm trusting Him to be that person and He's given me no reason to think He's anything but happy with me. but since this is all very new and i'm just trying to stay ahead of the game i am beyond worried that i'll let Him down in some profound way that makes this situation untenable. i'm sure this all sounds silly but my brain has completely reshifted now and if i'm thinking about me then i'm thinking about us. if i'm thinking about us i'm thinking about what i can do to make Him happy in that equation. the emotional rollercoaster is just stemming from everything else that is going on with me right now. this will pass and tomorrow i'll tell you about how cute He was in the pictures He sent me this week, especially the one from Osaka. for now i need to finish my purple margarita.

red velvet

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ok i am not a morning person

Friday, September 23, 2005 No comments
and today is reinforcing that ever so much. i have a two alarm system in my house. i wake up and potty with the first one and lay back down. then i usually get up and moving before the second one goes off. well today not so much. i woke up rolled over hit the second alarm and went back to sleep. i stayed that way until the second alarm went off and i was pissed because in my dream it was saturday all damn ready. oh well it will be soon enough. i'm also cramping (yeah i know you didn't need to know that) and achy and i really just wanna go get in bed. which i can do again in seven hours or so YEAH. if my late appointments cancel i think i'm going home early. i wanna clean off my bed and straighten up my bedroom so that when i get back in there all by myself i can move all over and be just as cranky and cry as much as i need to.

enough about my crappy morning mentality and on to why i really blog: Emperor. being a good kitty is hard. yesterday i didn't really hear from Him at all. and i wasn't in desperate need of Him or anything but doesn't mean i don't want to hear from Him. i'm still working on not chasing my tail or His without getting frustrated but like i said it's hard. especially on days like today when i know i'll most likely be in the house for the rest of the weekend in pain and missing Him more because i don't want to do anything besides drug myself up with some vicodin (good lawd cramps are evil). but a good kitty is what i agreed to be and that's what i will be. not to my own detriment of course but until a time arises that He no longer wants velvet as a pet. i hope that's not anytime soon though because He does make me really happy. and as i told sidra last night it's been so long since someone made me really happy i think i'm trying to do too much. so again back to good kitty mode. and Emperor if You're reading this, my oral fixation is acting up again.

---velvet

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2 by 2 they boarded the ark

Thursday, September 22, 2005 No comments
not sure what's wrong with me lately, i post something trivial then come back and tell you what's really going on. i need to get back to work on my dissertation but really i'm not so behind i won't make it. but here's the thing i'm so stupidly happy right now. i think i said 2 things that made Emperor really happy last night. so not sure why but He was definitely happy and as a result so am i of course. i am doing okay on day 2 of being a good kitty. no major withdrawal but that may be because when i let Him come to me He gives me the attention i want anyway and most often in a way that makes it more enjoyable for me. of course i want to know everything about Him but i'm not sprinting anymore. i really wanna know what the E. stands for beyond Emperor. i can think of a billion things but that would be silly. i'm happy with things right now. i have to run to the grocery store tonight after work but i will be eternally happy to do that and go home. i took something down for dinner. i think i'm gonna bake some chicken breasts or sautee the breasts and have a light fajita dinner. i need some lettuce though so i need to add that to the shopping list.

i so wonder what my life would be like had i never flirted with Emperor. would He have ever picked up on "that girl might like it if I tied her to the ceiling and toyed with her for hours" vibe i started giving off? and i've been contacted by someone who read one of my freakier stories and is giving off the same vibe lol. she's young though so she may not be ready for Emperor but i'll of course i' ll keep my eye on that. oh well i'm about to take a catnap and get ready for my 2 oclock client.

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song of the day

"Jesus To A Child"

Kindness in your eyes
I guess you heard me cry
You smiled at me
Like jesus to a child
I'm blessed i know
Heaven sent and heaven stole
You smiled at me like
Jesus to a child
And what have i learned
From all this pain
I thought i'd never feel the same
About anyone or anything again
But now i know

When you find a love
When you know that it exists
Then the lover that you miss
Will come to you on those cold, cold nights
When you've been loved
When you know it holds such bliss
Then the lover that you kissed
Will comfort you when there's no hope in sight

Sadness in my eyes
No one guessed, well no one tried
You smiled at me
Like jesus to a child
Loveless and cold
With your last breath you saved my soul
You smiled at me
Like jesus to a child
And what have i learned
From all these tears
I've waited for you all those years
Then just when it began
He took your love away
But i still say

[Repeat chorus]

So the words you could not say
I'll sing them for you
And the love we would have made
I'll make it for two
For every single memory
Has become a part of me

You will always be...my love

Well i've been loved
So i know just what love is
And the lover that i kissed is always by my side
Oh the lover i still miss...was jesus to a child.

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on developing patience

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 2 comments
patience was the topic of discussion last night (thanks sidra). why am i rushing this? He is what i want. He represents something incredibly pleasurable for me so why keep intruding on His time and trying His patience. well because He's not like other men i've been attracted to in a variety of ways. men i meet love to talk about themselves and then end up telling me things they had no intention of ever letting slip through their lips. Emperor is not like those men. it's not exactly like pulling teeth but while i'm sitting at His feet (metaphorically that is ROFLMAO) He's not gushing because i'm there. some nights we have great stimulating and sweet conversations. other nights it feels like i really am just a nice kitty curled up at His feet that He periodically picks up to absentmindedly pet before placing back on the floor. but i end up sitting a little disoriented because i'm used to having to flee my "owner" to get some time alone and in this situation He is definitely controlling how long my leash is to continue the analogy.

so i'm going to attempt to really be a good "kitty" for a minute. i'll come when i'm requested. i'll do my own thing when i'm not. no my primary focus hasn't shifted because if this isn't what Emperor wants then i'll of course do what He wants and find another way to cope with my fluxing insecurities. some days you couldn't tell me i wasn't cute and He wasn't just happy as all hell that He found me. but just like every woman i struggle on those days that i'm not feeling my best or like most subs those days i'm unsure as to what is going to make Him happy. it's not my job to overthink Him but it is my job to be there when He wants me to be. to provide those things that He wants and desires as much as i can. it's a job i cherish so we'll see if i can really get my mind around resisting both the desire to demand information(so not gonna work lol) and to be upset cause He's not sharing what i'd hope or when. both work against my happiness and against my natural desire to just keep a smile on His face. i can't do that by antagonizing Him or when i'm not taking care to make sure i'm happy as well.

to that end i'm going to keep working on that present for Him. it may be coming along sooner than hoped. i'm gonna keep playing with launch cast and get ready for the end of my day.

red velvet

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okay i just love this song

when i finally turned off my cd this morning and went flipping through radio stations this came on. as a george michael fan, from back when he was in them TEEENY TINY ass shorts, i had to blast it as i finished my drive into work this morning. i know most of you won't know why that was even necessary beyond me just liking the song but here's the thing: are you listening very carefully now??? well father figure is the ringtone that comes on whenever i get a call or a text from Emperor. He doesn't like it when i call Him daddy but when i was flipping through songs to be the ringtone that one stood out for me. i haven't told Him that of course and whenever He reads this He may want a new one but whenever i hear it it makes me think of Him and i get mostly calm and just a smidge bit horny. anyhoo for those of you that may have forgotten the lyrics here's father figure:

That’s all I wanted
Something special, something secret in your eyes
For just one moment
To be bold and naked at your side

Sometimes I think that you’ll never
Understand me
Maybe this time is forever
Say it can be

That’s all you wanted
Something special, something secret in your life
Just for one moment
To be warm and naked at my side

Sometimes I think that you’ll never
Understand me
But something tells me together
We’d be happy

(Baby)
I will be your father figure
(Oh baby)
Put your tiny hand in mine
(I’d love to)
I will be your preacher teacher
(Be your daddy)
Anything you have in mind
(It would make me)
I will be your father figure
(Very happy)
I have had enough of crime
(Please let me)
I will be the one who loves you
Until the end of time

That’s all I wanted
But sometimes love can be mistaken
For a crime
That’s all I wanted
Just to see my baby’s blue eyed shine
This time I think that my lover
Understands me
If we have faith in each other
Then we can be strong

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you
Until the end of time

If you are the desert
I’ll be the sea
If you ever hunger
Hunger for me
Whatever you ask for
That’s what I’ll be

So when you remember the ones who have lied
Who said that they cared
But then laughed as you cried
Beautiful darling
Don’t think of me

Because all I ever wanted
It’s in your eyes baby, baby
And love can’t lie, no
(Greet me with the eyes of a child)
My love is always telling me so
(Heaven is a kiss and a smile)
Just hold on, hold on
I won’t let you go my baby

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you
‘Til the end of time

I will be your father
I will be your preacher
I will be your father
I will be the one who loves you
‘Til the end of time

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exploration of the Dominant/submissive relationship

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 No comments
i'm going to start with the quote from an article i'm reading now....

Being Taken Care of
-----------------------------
"I always found the d/s articles to be the most exciting. I found the men - their strength and command - highly erotic. I thought that being that "taken care of" must have been the most wonderful thing in the world. The doms I talk to are forever asking me about this, I always tell them it's not the ritual (though I like the ritual) or the punishment that I'm looking for, it's the freedom to not have to be in control, to not have responsibility. I guess that's because, in most of my social circles, I'm the person who's expected to have all the answers."
A woman wants a man to be strong and to protect and watch over her. She wants to be able to relax in the safety of his arms and the world that he creates for her. If you can do that for a woman, you will see something inside her blossom and grow, and you will marvel at the treasure you have discovered that was always inside her but which she never felt safe to reveal, so afraid was she that it would not be appreciated for the incredible gift which it is.


Emperor knew the bolded about me almost immediately. as a result it made some conversations much easier but stymied me in some areas. my excitement may overwhelm Him from time to time. He's been here and done this before and i am like a kid with a shiny new toy. all i want to do is play with it and figure out how it works. i may be expecting too much from Him to answer every little question or address every mini discovery i make. it's obvious by what He says to me that He cares. i think i'm rushing to Him because i want to take care of Him. plus lets face it, i find Him to be perfectly adorable and would love nothing more than to bound and gagged near Him while we watch tv before bed or something lol. i'm going to stop here now. i want to finish reading this article before i leave to go back to my office.

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tangents and assorted ramblings

okay so i really should be waiting to write this as in 10 minutes my clients should start coming in my office in rapid succession but i figured what the hey i might as well start it now and finish it either when i finish my Dillard's run or during lunch which would be before Dillards (DOH). okay first thing on the tangent list---spammers there is no need for you to sign my blog i'm JUST going to delete you. i have no problem trolling the comments constantly so bear that in mind. if they ever figure out a way to permanently block you i'm gonna be all over it so just go away.

tangent two: while i understand their purpose in life--to attempt to gain info to pass it on to others--i am beginning to DETEST reporters. they are slimy and don't seem to respect anyone's privacy. my campus is grieving right now and instead of doing dignified reports they are altering volume so people sound on the verge of tears constantly or they are positioning themselves in order to get pictures of people in the depths of their pain. i'd put you on a too small island with the spammers if i could--JUST GO AWAY.

rambling one: life is good except for the work i'm consumed in now. it's hard to help them when there is nothing i can really say to make this experience better for them. i can give feedback, hold a hand, show up when i'm supposed to but that's about it. i've been really enjoying my sleep each night. it gives me a few hours to explore the recesses of my mind without have to be vigilant to the intense pain this community is under. my mother is finally happy. my brother and sister in law are good (as is their doggie Baxter). the cohort members i'm still friendly with have checked in and they are all good as well. my friends are good and most of the time my Emperor is good too. He has his moments where He's not and i'm working to keep those few and far between but when i think about Him at this moment i can only smile which brings me to rambling number 2.

rambling two: somewhere trapped in my brain it seemed like a good idea to ask Emperor if He'd read my blog. i was definitely nervous. i don't want Him upset by anything He reads here but then again this could be a perfect venue for Him to learn about me while i continue to strive to serve Him. that's what is going on right now well i think so. i sent Him the link to Velvet Rope very late last night or early this morning however you look at it. He was reading it before He retired for the night and i'm sure at some point in the future will finish reading so He can be entirely caught up on what His pet has been doing and thinking. since i managed to get all of this out in 13 minutes i'll be back during lunch to continue rambling 2 under a new heading.

have a good morning
red velvet

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ahhh so i'm breathing again

Sunday, September 18, 2005 No comments
friday through me for a loop. doing some self care was greatly needed and i did just that. i missed Emperor terribly but we do have indepedent lives and i have to get adjusted to that. well not adjusted but until we are closer together i can't anticipate He'll be there to nurture me all the time. He will be more often than not but when He can't be i have to work on that too. i've been reading and cleaning and sleeping mostly.

as you can see by the information under links i've been reading a lot of other subs' blogs this last 48 hours or so. i haven't added all of the ones i've seen because i felt no connection to them whatsoever but the ones i did relate to were added. some of them are in LDRs like me and Emperor. others are doing the 24/7 thing but haven't tied the knot, others married with kids, and yet another group are married with kids and living a poly lifestyle. keeping up with them as they move through their relationships will hopefully help me as i progress through this one with Emperor. as i was reading their blogs too i noted how many of their Doms knew about their blogs and were actively reading them. i know that i have sent Emperor the link to this haven but i doubt He's read it at all. i'm not sure if i want Him to either. i mean in some ways this is wholly my space and as i need to vent and scream and cry i can do it privately. but then again if i am to truly be His shouldn't i be able to get over that because if He asked i'd be sure to tell Him it all in great detail. oh well, we'll figure that out as it comes to that point.

i'm debating making a google wishlist but everything i want Emperor will eventually provide. it's amazing how all of this (the lifestyle that is) is what recentered me this weekend. wanting to be wtih Him was bad enough but being privy to other lifestyle couples' struggles was helpful. there will be times and instances where it's the relationship that keeps the people sane. the power exchange is just a piece of that. letting myself go totally and completely into His control will be what makes things okay again. learning who i am through His eyes will also be incredibly interesting for me. i'm not sure why i'm writing so much this weekend but it's been needed. Emperor is on, i have to tend to my Master.

see ya
red velvet

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useless info phase iii

Slave
You are a slave


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla




You're Lili St. Cyr!


What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
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Slutty

What Is The Nature Of Your Sexual Prowse? (Women)
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Your Deadly Sins



Greed: 40%

Lust: 40%

Sloth: 20%

Envy: 0%

Gluttony: 0%

Pride: 0%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You will die love and feared by many. And you'll be buried in a tomb.


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ohh i knew i was forgetting something

Saturday, September 17, 2005 No comments
Emperor and i have been having good conversations as of late. He does seem happy with me and with my progress. we were able to discuss relationship parameters within this whole Master/slave dynamic we have going. i mean because i've been reading about Doms/Masters that pretty much do whatever the hell they want while their subs sit idly by and take it. and since we're still negotiating what it means for us to be in this state i wanted to know what He felt about it. does He want as many subs as He can manage? does He expect me to sit on my hands most assuradely alone and wait for His visits? so basically there were things we had to address to figure out what life meant for us at this point.

well He was very upfront and very much so a nurturing Master during the last convos. of course He doesn't want me to be playing with anyone else, that was clear ages ago but it was reinforced this last week. i asked Him about His desire to have His penis roaming (sorry couldn't think of any other way to say that) about town or the planet and He assured me that was not something He was interested in or that i needed to be worried about. we talked about my collar again and how i was honestly interested in one i could wear constantly or even do an ankle bracelet instead which He got very excited about. so that may be my alternative but ever present symbol of this man i'm choosing to give myself to. yeah i know that violates the whole slave protocol but i choose Him to be that person. my service to Him and my limits are not really my choice except that i adore making Him happy. anyway the last and most necessary conversation was about relocation.

meeting each other the way and at the time we did was annoying. to find someone seemingly so willing to make us happy in this way and then be hundreds of miles away from each other within a few weeks just sucked. i miss Him and He misses me. there are days, like yesterday for example, when it would have made me incredibly happy to know that He was home or soon would be home with me. there are times when we talk that He wants me there with Him, of course on my knees and with my collar on but most importantly just there with Him. so that leaves us with a problem since we are a billion miles apart it seems. well sort of if relocation isn't an option. being brave sub i did just ask if He would like me closer to Him on a permanent basis. He quickly said yes and i quickly asked in a different way to ensure that He was clear about this. i told Him that of course i wouldn't be relocating in the next few months but i didn't want Him to feel like i was encroaching on his space. He told me that i could only be encroaching if He didn't want me around which He most certainly did. i'm sure we'll talk about it more but this week was a good week for us even if the rest of the world got beat about the head. i've been writing for nearly an hour now let me stop.

see ya
red velvet

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reality sucks but then again it doesn't

yesterday the world we live in became very harsh and very personal once again. yes the hurricane has been devestating. yes the world at large is f'd up. but yesterday it all came crashing back in on me. i love my job but yesterday my brain hurt and all i really wanted to do was be with Emperor. i wanted to go home, cry on His shoulder, have dinner and then mount Him for some indefinite period of time. the pain that we willfully inflict on each other is not always able to be overlooked by the good we do. the fact that someone felt the need to kill an innocent young woman and leave her uncerimoniously to fester in her apartment has disturbed me to no end. and i haven't been in a place to even tell Him about that.

talking to sidra i kept thinking about what life might be like with Him. i started flipping through old text messages and realizing my heart gets all warm and fuzzy with Him. this whole belonging to someone again is what makes me smile. but i'm always worried, well not always that would be strange, that He is going to change His mind. that some other woman will be more submissive and more accomodating and closer to Him than i am. yeah i know at least one person reading this will say that's possible HOW but believe me i'm still learning so there has to be someone out there. maybe i do care about Him more than i'm aware of or am ready to admit to. oh that is so sad. a pseduo professional should be able to handle this better. but i'm not obviously, nor will i force the issue. sooner or later i'll let Him know that the gushing is genuine and while i'm not looking at forever right now six months is easily doable if He wants me there. i know He's said it before but i don't like working on old information as it were. i miss my Emperor le sigh.

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ok so like i'm bored and stuff

Thursday, September 15, 2005 No comments
today has been the longest in eternity. i'm feeling exhausted, i can still barely breath from time to time BUT it's not a cold. been on all kinds of pills that have done nothing but pissed me off. i finally called the doctor today but they never answered so i went to their website (yeah you heard me their website) to book my non emergency appointment. i should hear by Monday when they can get me in. next Tuesday would be great but it isn't a rush. i'm not gonna die, just be a little miserable.

but despite my nasal issues and overall feeling of bed is good, i'm happy. sidra is currently ignoring me as she seeks to find out who the evil doers of the world are this go round. but she's funny and i'm enjoying her journey as much as my own. well that's not true. i am most definitely enjoying mine more but that's because for the moment all is well. we're talking on a more regular basis and He is being just attentive enough not to drive me batty in either direction. He's not pressing too much and He's not on nignore mode either. i miss Him and wanna cuddle as we've established but i want to be all that He wants me to be as well. i know i sound so mushy and if anyone else said it i'd make fun of them but i am really happy. okay enough for now.

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so what would you do for a klondike bar?

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 No comments
umm you know that has nothing to do with my post today right? i mean i like a good klondike bar as much as the next person but it aint deep enough to garner a post.

the last few days have been okay. nothing major one way or the other. i went to dillards and found most of the requisite stockings. black, sheer, fish and fence net and one diamond pattern. i was looking for some with the nice stripe down the back which of course were not in my size. so what does that mean again boys and girls---red must keep walking around and step up the work out/diet plan.

the shoe selection around my office was HORRID. i stopped by another shoe store near my house but it's more for everyday wear shoes, reasonable prices, but low heels. that wasn't what i was looking for today. i ran out to one final group of stores because my body wasn't gonna let me do too much more shopping. i ran into shoe depot--they had ONE cute pair of two and a half inch heels. i got in the car and drove down to rack room which i shouldn't be allowed to go in by myself. the shoes were buy one get one half off but that also applied to purses and socks and damn near everything else. i found three pair of shoes, probably three inch heels, that fit perfectly--two black and one a brownish croc. then i got a nice black purse so i can act like a girl from time to time and carry one when i just need to run out and don't want a book bag or nalia to get that done.

i also swung by bath junkie and got my scents made up. i got three massage lotions whipped together. one dolce & gabbana for men, one green apple, and one caramel and buttercream. then i had some shea butter lotion mixed up with almond and french vanilla. they had a ton of scents and colors. i wanted some things mixed red but it would have come out pink and what color would red velvet not want in her house (PINK in case you were slow lol)? things are good, i need to be working but i'm tired. i ordered my mary kay face cleanser too. i hate my face feeling icky but that will be taken care of soon. i am so bored now. i need to find Emperor. see ya
red

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what a difference a day makes.....

Sunday, September 11, 2005 No comments
24 little hours, you know i really do like that song but it has nothing really to do with what is going on with me. well that's not true. life is a series of strange ass days and long ass nights. ok i know i have issues now lol i was just distracted by a scent stories commercial but they are offering a ten dollar off coupon so i may have to look into that. okay now i'm back on tangent, i've ordered my coupon and right when i forget to be looking for the damn thing it should arrive.

my favorite bizarre movie is on right now, dogma that is, but its about to go off. i'm sorry there is something inherently funny about alanis morrisette being God and chris rock being the 13th apostle. i love looking at salma hayek though so it's a win win for me all around. this is one of the movies i'd watch repeatedly with adorable boy when i still thought a young omega could get the job done. it's also one of the things (the others are Memnoch the Devil, Defending Your Life, surprisingly Groundhogs Day) that makes me carry on my internal debate about good and evil, heaven and hell, the existence of God and our place on His earth. i always end up in the same place. God exists and i'm here in His image but what i do here is a result of my twisted free will. anyhoo i have another hour till my baby daddy starts playing his tennis match. if he wins today he'll take home 1.6 million and some change for finishing second in the us open series this year.

i have a wee bit of a headache and my stomach has been acting crazy all morning. i'm a little sleepy but it's so beyond time to be awake. i am trying to weigh my desire for intense supervision against letting Emperor have some space. He was up, we both were really, late dealing with a friend in a CRAPPY relationship. i know He's tired and busy and i want to be a good pet despite my random outburts (shuddup sidra). He does listen to me when i say things like that as well. when i voice a concern He at least attempts to address it which from what i've read and gleamed is what He should do within reason. i just know it would be much easier if we were closer together. and this morning for the first time i actually contemplated talking to Him about relocation. that would probably mean me relocating to be closer to Him but i'm not sure if He even wants that so we will have to have a long discussion.

we did end up discussing the trip to Hedonism. He's interested in going but of course He would like to maintain a low profile. a few days in Negril with me would entertain Him but He wants His life, potentially our life, to be away from the scene. which honestly i don't have a huge problem with. it would be interesting to see how others play but what i really want is to be curled up with Him. i'm not sure when He plans on coming anymore and i want to ask about that as well. i'm beyond antsy and i've been killing kittens lately ROFL. if you know what that means i'm sorry. if you don't know what that means no actual kittens have been harmed in my daily activities so there is no need to get up in arms and all PETA on me. i need to talk to both He and sidra so we can figure out the travel plans. i agreed to go to London with her in 2007 if she traipsed off with me to Hedonism. oh well, i'm gonna log off, i've been writing for nearly an hour now and all i really want is to hear a certain ringtone go off soon.

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more useless info

Saturday, September 10, 2005 No comments












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today was a good day, well mostly

Friday, September 09, 2005 No comments

i enjoyed my job
i enjoyed my life
i enjoyed my painting
i enjoyed my bed
i enjoyed my friends
i enjoyed my necklace
i did not enjoy missing Emperor

God i am turning into such a girl. it's sickening to me. i enjoyed my life sooooo much more when things made sense to me. i'm not sure if He's toying with me or if He is bored or chasing someone new. He frustrates me and the moment i want to scream go to hell (yes i'm being melodramatic here because i really only get this fidgety at night)He calls me and He is so sweet and i just want to curl out at His feet like a good kitty (okay so i have feline issues as well).

and the bdsm group i joined is going to jamaica for a collaring. oh my how lovely it would be to play with Him in Negril for a few days. He hasn't even responded that He got the message let alone that He might be interested in going. i wanna pout and tell Him to go away but i'd miss Him and the way His voice sounds in my ear when He's whispering that He loves the way my skin looks and how much He is excited by my submission. and then He started talking about my collar and got me all ummm twitterpated. oh this sucks!!! i'm not running off sidra, i'm just annoyed. i wanna play with my sadistic little tyrant. gonna really go pout now. bye people.

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i am so freaking bored

Thursday, September 08, 2005 No comments
and i have nothing to do. no one is posting on my message boards. well they are posting on one but it's mad drama to put it politely. i cannot breathe right. i haven't talked to Emperor in the last few days, i know He's okay, things were just going so cutely i wanted to keep that energy moving. save a random text we haven't said much of anything to one another since then. i'm enjoying my work but there's not a whole lot to look forward to when i get home. i am going to handle some business on friday evening and saturday morning but it's not the type of business i'd like to be taking care of. i found the new age shop in town too. they have some interesting classes but i'm most interested in their massages. i'd kill for a good massage right now.

i found my prince necklace that i thought was lost in the sands of time. it was lost in a hole in my back pack. i'm such a dumbass lol. and i love the way my painting looks in my office now. i miss my father guys. really i do. i'm just rambling now so i'm gonna go. i did enjoy my pedicure and manicure today but not as much as normal. and i may be headed to negril to witness a collaring. i think that would be cool. i wonder if Emperor would be interested in going with me. oh well ttfn.

---red velvet

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so now what does the world mean?

Wednesday, September 07, 2005 No comments
okay people i had a good personal life day today. work life was good today too for the most part. clients are intriguing and my work is fulfilling for me. i called hobby lobby on the way out of my office and my framing was finally done. oh my god my print is gorgeous. i absolutely love it. i spent the first hour i was home at least just staring at it. sad i know but i could be that little girl and in a lot of ways i'm still waiting on my daddy to come home. he's just coming in a different body now.

i am thoroughly enjoying my preparation to be Emperor's pet. He's begun talking about collaring me now and that He doesn't expect me to wear it all the time. i adore the thought of belonging to Him. He has made me forgot about all the extra drama in my love life and i can't imagine anything better than being tethered to Him for a good long while. i can't say anymore than that right now but i am happy.

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i'm plugged in baby yeah

Sunday, September 04, 2005 1 comment
okay so i'm immensely bored but it's because i'm full of nervous energy and Emperor is being well Emperor. you know i'm all over the net reading and exposing myself to the lifestyle. being in my current locale means there is a definite lack of people of color to speak to in real life so i've joined a few yahoo groups and one of the sites Emperor doesn't like so much because they are cliquish. they may be but i need more insight than i'm able to gain on my own and whenever i am really ready to talk to Him about it He's otherwise engaged. yeah i know quit being an impatient sub but He's the experienced one here. and without His guidance and input i'm just left floundering a bit. that is unless i do my typical this is moving at a funky pace so let me get the hell out of here thing. as i mentioned before there are others who would gladly take me and train me but i have no desire to be enamored of anyone else right now. if it won't be Him then i'll keep studying for a while and get myself totally ready for whomever it will be. besides i keep getting distracted by collars which is all random. and i need to drop some weight so i can buy the most restrictive and binding corset i can get my hands on. not sure why the two things have me so preoccupied but maybe its a transference issue so i'm not all annoyed with Emperor. who knows? i'm gonna go have a donut or something ROFL, yes i know counterproductive to the weight loss thing but i need something to put in my mouth since Emperor is not handy. see ya and shuddup sidra.

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nothing much is going on today

Friday, September 02, 2005 1 comment
okay explain to me why i posted an ad looking for a sub that Emperor and i could share and all i've been getting are replies from men that would love to take me off of Emperor's hands? i mean damn can we self destruct (if we're going to) before you try to slide up in here? besides we have already discussed this. yes i can let anyone be my dom but i want Emperor to be my dom see how those things are not compatible. at least not for the immediate future. i don't get excited when i hear anyone else's ringtone on the phone. i get excited because He's ready to toy with me and damn it i like the way He does it. now if i could just somehow manage to get Him closer to me on a regular basis you'd never hear another complaint from my lips unless they were chapped from well nevermind.

my caseload today was light so that was good but the one person that came in is struggling because of Katrina. i can't even imagine what she's going through on one level but we worked and thought of all the things her family could use if we can get them to it. i was happy to help but it made me take a minute and regroup and remember what i had to be thankful about. now i'm sure someone will piss me off and make me forget but until then i'm glad i'm where i am and all of my people are safe.

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