anyhoo as we inch closer to 2006 and my food is smelling delovely in my house i will probably not be on again till tomorrow afternoon. if i'm up late it's because my Emperor joined me in fantasy for a while and distracted my poor subbie brain.
happy new year one and all
last night i decided i wanted a duck so on my daily errands i grabbed one among all the other things i needed to pick up today. that will be dinner along with my annual mandatory serving of black eyed peas and whatever else i opt to make tonight. can i just say i really do miss that four and a half years i did live solely by myself RIGHT now. getting used to her being here is going to take a LOT of work. and right now the only work i wanna be putting in is on my knees suctioned onto Emperor and blowing Him into the most delicious orgasm He has ever experienced. instead i'm sitting in my bed in shorts decompressing for a Wally-world shopping trip and really really really horny. did i mention really?
but in the grand scheme of things if this is the worst that could happen my life is good and i really can't complain. i just have some wants that can't be honored right now. in due time, good pet, in good time. oh and i might have found a third for Emperor and myself. i need to have all of us sit down and talk and go from there. okay enough for now. must watch cartoons.
i haven't completely lost my mind or freaked out that my mother has decended upon what was my sacred space. and after i just couldn't take it last night i snuck away to another part of the apartment and killed a kitten quite ruthlessly lol. sorry to the feline enthusiasts who don't know what i'm talking about but read the blog more thoroughly and you will understand better i promise. but let me assure you now actual kittens were killed last evening.
i have started taking better care of me and embracing those things that make me incredibly feminine and adorable while still retaining what makes me uniquely myself. my mother is tickled which is nice but most importantly Emperor is happy which, say it all together now ladies and gents, makes ME happy. and yes then there is Emperor. Emperor who has made me quite happy and tickled and in lust with life and Him. it is a wonderful experience to adore that man. so my year has made an interesting turn and i cannot wait to see what happens next year.
okay moving on. i am back in totally complete love with my life. ain't it funny. my mother isn't driving me crazy, well except she wants to organize every damn thing in sight and that is so not cute. but even that isn't disturbing me as much as it could. i know she's doing it because she loves me, i'm just getting used to having another adult in my space really. it will get better or she'll drive me crazy and i'll get her out of here right fast and in a hurry. but truthfully i am just tickled about being alive right now. i have a good job, good friends, activities i like to do and a mother who will dote on me as long as i let her. i also have something that for the last four years has been especially lacking in my life.
i have a sense of peace and comfort i haven't had in a while. i think i'm on the right track as the third decade of my life begins. i'm doing what is in my best interest most of the time. and i have Emperor and those things combined are more than i could have asked for in January. i am content in this moment and i wish that all of you the same feeling. i miss my Emperor and i adore Him but even that is better than not knowing He existed lol. life is good ladies and gents.
i have been a jumble of emotions the last few days which i will attribute to coming down off of that hormone rush known as my period. the high was lovely but the crash sucked a big one. i hate being in a panic especially when He hasn't done a damn thing to make it necessary. i mean when i think i am in trouble okay i should be in a panic but really i am terribly well behaved. if i have disappointed Him, again okay i should be in a tizzy till i can either take my punishment OR i can make it up to Him. the last few days were just about fear, that demon we all fight as subs/slaves. fear of not being who we are to the people we are with and feeling as though we may let them down in some unforgivable way. or fear that we aren't good enough and that two days from now someone more appealing will usurp us. that very well may be the case but there is no need for me to dwell on it until it happens. fear has to be conquered, slowly but surely it will be.
speaking of my Emperor. i am so in love/lust with Him it is sickening. i love Him for making my life seem full in a way it hasn't been for a long time. i lust after Him because truly His mind, His voice, the thought of His touch makes me want to kill kittens unless i have the pleasure of being with Him. He excites me both mentally and physically and to find both of those things in one person combined with the other wonderous thing He gives me i am sometimes just awestruck by Him. okay well enough with the gushing. be good folks.
1. Nervous habits... i fidget
2. Are you double jointed... Nope
3. Can you roll your tongue... nope
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time... Not really.
5. Can you blow spit bubbles... Yes.
6. Can you cross your eyes... nope
7. Tattoos... four, all hidden, butterfly, dragon, she devil and prince symbol
8. Piercings... 4, both ears twice
9. Do you make your bed daily... try hardly ever lol
10. Which shoe goes on first?... never paid attention
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone... Not that I recall.
12. On the average, how much money do you carry... Under $20, if any. But I always have my debit card
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7... A silver pendant that is the chinese character for rabbit--the year i was born on the chinese zodiac
14. Favorite piece of clothing... a tank bra
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it... Twirl
16. Have you ever eaten Spam... Yup. Fried Spam.
17. Do you use extra salt on your food... Sometimes.
18. How many cereals in your cabinet... one
19. What's your favorite beverage... minute maid fruit juice
20. What's your favorite fast food restaurant... chili's
21. Do you cook... I love to cook. I don't do it as often as I should, though.
22. How often do you brush your teeth... A couple times a day.
23. Hair drying method... hair dryer at the salon or tied down and let it air dry
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair... usually once every six weeks to get rid of the gray
25. Do you ever swear... Yes. Especially when I'm driving.
26. Do you ever spit... I swallow. LOL
27. Animal... It's a tie between cats and dogs (if my fish sees this he'll throw a fit!)
28. Food... dessert
29. Month... december
30. Day... My day off.
31. Cartoon... Family Guy/Boondocks
32. Shoe brand... none in particular
33. Subject in school... science
34. Color... purple
35. Sport... basketball
36. TV shows... Law & Orders
37. Thing to do in the spring... thaw out
38. Thing to do in the summer... complain about the heat
39. Thing to do in the fall... Walk and kick through the crunchy fallen leaves.
40. Thing to do in winter... Bake. And drive around to look at christmas lights.
41. In the DC player... ladies and gentlemen the best of george michael
42. Person you talk most on the phone with... sidra
43. Reading... Blogs
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows/mirrors... Nope.
45. What color is your bedroom... burgandy
46. Do you use an alarm clock... Yes.
47. Window seat or isle... aisle
48. What's your sleeping position... I like to sleep on my left side
49. In hot weather do you use a blanket... Nope
50. Do you snore... Yes.
51. Do you sleepwalk... No.
52. Do you talk in your sleep... I've been told that I have on occassion.
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals... yep and they are comfy
54. How about with the light on... No.
55. Do you fall asleep with the tv or radio on... yes
56. Last interesting person you met... dt
the quiz results below are funny but i won't get into why. just take them and tell me what you get. in a few days i may post a story i wrote ages ago dealing with bdsm as i saw it at the time. it wasn't very intense, sort of flowery now that i think about it. her submission to her husband though was quite complete and it's something i am striving for myself. to be so at ease and at peace that the simple act of turning on my car at the end of the day means i am once again totally His. yes that will most definitely require a move. it's a move i'm hoping to be ready for soon. there are too many nights when my body literally aches to be near Him and while i do eventually fall asleep nothing makes that an easy evening. i want to disappear with Him for long weekends and enjoy that limp back to my office knowing He caused it and that i will happily be going back for more. ahhh i do so love this feeling. night all, the next time i post i'll have a roommate lol.
?? Which Creature Of The Sea Are You??
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why do you deserve a good spanking?
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What type of spanking do you crave?
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Professor/naughty student, Prison guard/prisoner, Boss/secretary, any or all may appeal to you.
A spanking role play is just what you are looking for, and any implement that suits your choice of scene would "hit the spot".
Hmmmm....crooked handled canes, office rulers, a pair of hand cuffs and a strap, oh my! ;)
santa brought me free shopping money to some of my favorite stores so i'll be looking for some things maybe the week i go back to work. i have a doctor's appointment that week as well to tend to the horrific pain mother nature wreaks upon me every 28 days or so. santa also brought me three new cabbage patch kids (yes i'm 30 and i still love getting dolls lol) and some new scented lotions and a purse that will be accompanying me to the ball i have to attend in february. yes we get all dressed up and girly to raise money for scholarships so we'll see how that goes. my mother may go with me since she'll be there then.
speaking of my mother lol. my submission to Emperor has meant some surface changes that everyone has noticed as well as some internal ones that very few people will pick up on. my mother is tickled to no end about the things i'll mention in a second. she just assumed as i was aging that i finally abandoned all things tomboy and am FINALLY becoming her long awaited dress up doll. i didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise so let's just keep that between us. the first thing she noticed was my hair. every year around this time i hack it off. either out of frustration, necessity or because i got bored but it's gone before my annual trip to the family. this year not so much and she has spent hours playing in the hair that will hopefully be brushing my shoulders by the ball. then she noticed that not only were my toes not looking like "claws" (they never were but mommy exaggerates a bit) they were also painted. ahhh and the culmination of her happy happy joy joy moment--letting her sniff the perfume that i recently purchased. she was convinced then that i was FINALLY the little girl she always wanted. and i am someone's perfect litle girl i just don't think it's mommy's lol. but shhh we'll keep that between us right now. no need to give the woman a heart attack.
i see that all is not well in the subverse so i need to beat whatever higher diety controls the ebbs and flows. RIGHT now is supposed to be a happy moment for all of us. but if you are not currently happy just be happy that this moment will end soon and you can start fresh next year.
hugs and extra kisses to all that need it
we have to find her a bedroom set when she gets here which should kill one of my afternoons but beyond that everything has been prepped for d-day. i love her but really how horrible was i in a past life that my mother moves in with me at 30? okay moving on.
strange dream report time: i've had a series of odd ones again. a few nights ago i was off somewhere arguing with Emperor (i know the horror the horror). He had gone out with someone else--strictly platonic according to Him but i am of course overly emotional for some unknown reason. we argue around it in circles for a while before He finally tells me to shut up and gives me what has been in His hand in His pocket for a while cause it's all moist lol. it LOOKS like ring box but who would give their insolent sub a ring box in the middle of an argument? i open it up and surprise it's a ring, a nice platinum engagement ring with a nearly flawless two carat diamond. i woke up after i looked up at Him and He was smiling at me. strange n'est pas?
okay and then last night. i had a dream that i was on this big brother type show, which i would never do because i love tv entirely too much to be cut off from it. even when nothing is on it i need the background noise. anyhoo, i was on the show and they gave us like 24 hours to get out of the house and see our family and friends and whatever. so we hit the mall and then were followed by some strange men until we got back to the house to use the cars they gave us. so now i'm driving off with another contestant and somewhere in that drive we picked up Emperor. He sat behind me as i was driving and periodically would just reach out and touch me. it was very nice, VERY nice to have Him there and for some reason we ended up at my old college and were driving up the Oval that is surrounded by the girls dorms. anyway, we parked on the Oval and the passenger was starting to get out as a student was rushing over to us with one of the old dorm directors (long since fired) who had shrunk or turned into a midget and was telling us to get off of the Oval. all the while i had repositioned myself some odd kind of way because Emperor kept rubbing my bottom like He was getting ready to spank me but wanted to find the right spot. i woke up and was highly confused but glad i couldn't go back to sleep either. i wasn't eating anything odd before bed so i'll have to say it's all hormonal but damn it was odd.
okay i'm done for now, i'll probably be back later.
|Your Elf Name Is...|
|You Are a White Christmas Tree|
You like to fill your holidays with beautiful designs and classy decorations.
When it comes to Christmas, you always expect (and provide) the best.
|You Are Socks!|
Cozy and warm... but easily lost.
You make a good puppet.
|Your Christmas Stocking Will Be Filled With Little Wrapped Presents|
You've made Santa a very happy fellow this year.
Don't worry - what happens at the North Pole stays at the North Pole!
The Wooden Hairbrush - Some spankings can be
fun, but for you, all have some element of
punishment. The hard implement impacting
against your soft bottom reminds you of your
place in this world and in your relationship.
Your river of submission runs deep. It will
probably never dry up completely. You take
your spankings because they help to define who
Which Spanking Implement Best Suits You?
brought to you by Quizilla
if you haven't ever read his page, you definitely should check out Master Engima's page today. the whole entry on shibari is very 1) informative and 2) erotic but if you don't take my adlebrained word for it go read it yourselves lol. the morning is slow. i don't have any clients and all attempts at doing paperwork have crashed and burned. i'm gonna roam blog land for a while and then maybe take a nap in my office while no one is looking.
i was Tagged By lionette
So i will play If i tag you and you dont want to play just let me know and i wont ever do it again.
Here are the rules; The first player of this game starts with the topic and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals.
Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says “You are tagged!” (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.
The following may not be weird to you but they are to somebody.
1> i pick up things with my toes that i could easily pick up with my fingers
2> i am abnormally flexible and like being put into strange positions
3> my hair has been a variety of colors (brown, black and red mostly) since the age of 6 when i spent too much time in the pool one summer and it started dying in the sun
4> i haven't worn a halter top since the age of 13 because they girls kept snapping the straps
5> i never eat fruit, hardly eat vegetables, do very little to take care of myself actually but i am hardly ever sick and have never had the chicken pox
now as for the other stuff, Emperor and i are doing well. at least as far as i can tell. as i said yesterday i'll be working on a story for Him that is less sappy and involves much more spanking lol. i am feeling good about our situation in general and i hope that it will stay that way. something has me slightly worried and i want to discuss it but i am not ready to do so just yet. i want to at least try to process it on my own first and then i might be back to vent. at least i'm not teary eyed right now and i don't expect to be anytime soon but i may be later. well probably not but i need to resolve this issue for myself otherwise i won't ever be able to handle these little bumps in the road correctly.
moving on, i've finished my christmas shopping for the most part. i need to make one final purchase but really it's over. it was a quick afternoon. my mother and sister in law did the other piece so it will be a quick flight in and out of texas. well i am done rambling. off to process.
i'm catching up on all the posts i missed over the last few days and i'll be commenting on them soon. be good ladies, sending positive vibes into the subverse.
don't get me wrong there are still things i worry about with regards to Emperor but the underlying fear that had been there for months has slipped off of me like my twenties has lol. my face still lights up when i think about Him but i guess i'm also ready to accept whatever He and God has in store for us. He is the only thing that would have made my birthday any better but as it stands i know what we do and how we do it will be to a large degree all out of my hands. everyone that knows me half a bit knows that's a major step for me. i NEED to have control of everything in order to feel settled and at ease. but i have abandoned that NEED for a simple desire. i desire nothing more right now than to be with Him for as long as He will have me. my friends all noted the subtle changes He's created in me and while they don't necessarily know WHY that has happened they are happy that i am happy.+
i need a good spanking and then truly all will be right in my world at this moment. my visit was good, the colts lost roflmao and i know that people love me. okay good night everyone and again thanks for all those birthday wishes.
ps the velvet rope has hit its 2000th visitor and is climbing steadily
i am still delightfully happy. i hope to stay this way for as long as humanly possible. while i saw five clients today and barely felt like i got a chance to breathe i am also glad that i think some good work was done today and will continue to be done with the ones i will keep seeing. my life is good and for once i am not waiting for the other shoe to drop. that may still occur but no need to overthink my happiness right now. Emperor said He might have to bite me after i told Him that i had purchased a scent i knew He liked. ummm biting....drool....and i finally remembered to tell Him about the fussing He was doing at me while fucking me on His desk. okay this shouldn't make me smile probably but i giggled loudly when He told me that He liked fussing at me but that He was also quite fond of me lol. i love Him clearly lol. He'll be on my shopping list when i go out next week and get all of my gifts in one fell swoop. His gift will go in with hadrian until we see each other again (which i am hoping is soon, keep your fingers crossed lol).
ok i'm gonna have a retardedly girly moment and i'd rather do it offline lol. know that red is happy and healthy and blissful and she smells sensational (that for her by narciso rodriguez is the TRUTH--go sniff it).
love ya all
|You have a sexual IQ of 157|
When it comes to sex, you are a super genius. You have had a lot of experience, and sex interests you so you know a lot about it. You pride yourself on being a source of information and guidance to all of your friends.
Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com
i am still terribly perky as you can tell. i'm enjoying my rapid ascent towards thirty and it will be a lovely day (lovely day lovely day lovely day) because i will 1) be out of this town, 2) be with my girlfriends whom i love dearly and 3) because i get to celebrate me and that is never a bad thing. i of course would be overjoyed to see my Emperor but ehh me and the princess will be okay. we will get toasty drunk and eat up on some good food and lay around relieving old memories and making new ones. i have decided i'm going to go find a new coat before the month is over and since memphis has much better shopping than here i might do that when i'm up there. shoes and a coat would be lovely to bring back.
how the grinch stole christmas is on now so i'm distracted lol. i just wanted to check in. i'm sending out good vibes into the subverse and i hope that all is well with everyone. if you don't see me in a few days just assume i am having a blast and i'll update you when i get back in town.
Master Enigma gave me a lovely compliment on the last post in that he enjoyed the reality of my blog. i am much appreciative of that. but as i'm also quite silly allow me to make the following remarks as well. i have yet to master the art of not putting my true self forward. i can hold things back but the longer someone knows me the easier it is to see that who i am in one spot is who i am in another. basically i love reality and what i share with you and Master Enigma and Emperor is really just me. complete goofball, enamored of that aforementioned Emperor, who is a wee bit of a hypersexual pet, and has been accused of trying to kill a number of men because my appetite was out of control at one point. i'm better now, well mostly, and don't require nearly the amount of stimulation i used to. and what i like now is definitely about seven times more intense than what worked for me in the past. ok super girly moment in 188.8.131.52.1......
all right remember the nightmare? of course you do i've been talking about it for days now lol. well as i mentioned in last night's post i told Emperor about it and He was equally stunned that my imagination had taken us there figuratively. as i was recounting why i felt bad in the dream though i mentioned His son seeming to like me so much and He said something very mundane but it made me blush anyway (i'm blushing now as i type it lol). anyhoo, He said, "I can see My son liking you a lot. I like you a lot." or something to that effect and yes i blushed all over the place. after all the ick of the dream all i will really keep on my brain for as long as possible is that comment. i hope to NEVER see it played out in reality but yeah that made me grin a wee bit. we are making plans to see each other again, soon i hope, but again the coordination of schedules is a bear. i'd love to ring in the new year together but i'm on call and me Emperor and my mother does NOT sound like a good time at casa del red. i mean we could lock ourselves in my bedroom or get a hotel room but she'd just keep calling if we left the premises. ahh well regardless of when it happens know that today red is quite happy and of course quite horny and as soon as my last errand for the day is over i might have to dispatch of a few more kittens lol.
You scored 60 masculinity and 70 femininity!
You scored high on both masculinity and femininity. You have a strong personality exhibiting characteristics of both traditional sex roles.
we have had the most bizarre of conversations tonight but it made the circuits fire which was nice. beyond that we just giggled and i like that. well mostly i giggled but you get the point. i am happy and horny and unfortunately for the cat population i have been killing kittens for days lol. i want to be tied up and blindfolded right now. i want to spend a long weekend in subspace driven over the edge by that nice strong man i call Emperor. it's almost like meeting Him for the first time all over again. He made me just light up then and i'm lit up now. i'm just lit up and horny lol. off to kill a kitty.
- 212 by carolina herrera
- for her by narciso rodriguez
- contradiction by calvin klein--i adore this scent unlike anything else and hey i am ms contradiction lol
- paris hilton self-titled scent
yes even i was shocked by the last one but saying you'd allow a woman to sit on your face in the middle of a shopping center is a ringing endorsement. i guess skanky works lol. so now i have smell goods to spray on me and i may or may not wear them in memphis this weekend. i'm leaning towards may not. i'd hate to be smelling bend overable with no Emperor in sight. there are tons of men in town that would bend me over but what i want is clear across country. now i have no idea when or how we are going to see one another again but for now i need to be a good girl and behave.
now as for the rest of why i started. i am unbelievably horny the last few days. the only thing that has kept me from diddling myself all day has been the fact that i'm either too busy or too sleepy to do it all day. the few moments i have indulged i keep seeing this photo...
sorry kitties. i've killed a bunch of you this last year. even moreso since meeting Emperor. my submission has made me even more hypersexual than i have been prior to meeting Him. and it always amazes me that there are submissives that don't go beyond the play with their Doms. being that physically charged and then having no release would be terribly traumatic. yes i adore pleasing Him and in a small way i get some satisfaction from that but the physical connection at that moment is electric it is beyond a let down to not complete the circuit lol. i want to be used harshly and for a lengthy period of time. i want to feel by breath struggling to escape. i want Him to growl at me to drop to my knees and service Him. i want to be a quivering pile of flesh after His fingers knead my flesh as His dick assaults my pussy repeatedly. and because i know it will make Him beyond happy i want to do a few unsubbie like things for as long as He will allow me to. i just want Him--lord i'm horny lol. bye bye.
i'm a little worried about Emperor but i am not sure what i can do besides wait to see if He is going to need or want to talk about what i'm worried about. most likely He won't and i will just file it away with the other things i worry about concerning Him in case He wants to talk about it later. i'm just blogging to kill my boredom at this point lol. nothing major is going on but i'm too wide awake to fall asleep at this PRECISE moment in time. oh well, i'll go roam the subverse and maybe something will catch my eye.
|You Are Vixen|
Why You're Naughty: That fur pulling spat you got into with Dancer over Santa.
Why You're Nice: Because even when you're nice, you're still delightfully naughty!
i did as He asked and was surprised to see everything i needed in the small washroom attached to His study. when i got to the bedroom, He had not made it yet or was off doing something else. the woman in bed was clearly dying. her mother was with her and trying to not cry. the little boy was aware mommy was ill but was too young to understand what was really happening. Emperor came in and moved over to the woman who i am assuming to be His wife. His son was excited to see me again and began telling me about what he had been doing since i saw him last and asking me a litany of questions about what i was going to do that day. my mouth seemed on autopilot as i told him that i would be there with him for the rest of the day and maybe that night too. Emperor seemed relieved and the woman tried to smile at me but it was clear she knew who i was to Emperor and while she was grateful someone was taking care of her child she was much less grateful that someone was taking care of her husband. i took His son to another room to color and play and tried to make sense of the situation even though it was apparent i had been doing this for quite a while. i rocked the boy to sleep eventually and was nodding off myself when Emperor came to get me. for a moment it seemed like He was just waking me so that we could go to bed but then it all returned to me that it wasn't my house and He wasn't mine in the largest sense of the word. we put His son in his crib and stood as Emperor stroked my hair and i let my head rest on His shoulder. i woke up then quite confused. part of this of couse plays into my fears that He is going to decide soon that His affection lies elsewhere but to have that so greatly mapped out just seems odd. i had appointments all day so i wasn't able to even sit down and process that. i doubt i will tell Him about this because i am sure it will be just entirely too awkward. oh well that is it for the dream.
in general life is good. i am happily looking forward to my birthday and starting life as a former 20 year old. i enjoy what is good in my life and appreciate that what is bad is there because it has to be for the moment. i appreciate all the faces of submission that the subverse has allowed me to see as i search for my own place in it. i appreciate that men other than Emperor make a point to tell me i am attractive and desirable. i appreciate my accumulated sisters for the strength they give me when i need it most and for the giggles they let me provide for them when they need it most. pray for those you know that need it (if you pray that is) and ask for blessings for those that you find near and dear to your heart so that they may remain there as long as they can. i think there was some other stuff i wanted to talk about but i'm sleepy so i don't remember lol. bye bye for now
ETA: i remember what i meant to add before. dreams like this fall into my prophetic dream category. as abnormal and unexpected as the dreams are they tap into something i am not supposed to be privy to at the moment. that He might leave and realize later that He needed me is so not beyond the realm of possibility. it's happened with nearly everyone else i've dated so again that wouldn't surprise me. that i would allow Him to use me in such a manner isn't without merit either. taking care of Him and a little Him would give me immense pleasure. every now and then i might even forget that i was intruding on that woman's life with Him because i was too weak to do otherwise (and i have to say it would just be a weakness for me, maintaining and loving Him despite the barriers wouldn't work for me because i am too impatient and too demanding to handle it. i would have to be intruding on her life because i couldn't take the bits of him. i can respect all that do and can handle that and i think two folks in particular are lucky to have found one another lol but i am entirely too selfish in a way and would just as well mess her life up as my own)1. that it would have to be an incredibly extreme situation for Him to consider cheating on His wife is very much the case. Him caring about me wouldn't be enough and not because He is just so noble the thought wouldn't cross His mind. He has His reasons and i just don't dwell on it because He hasn't proposed to me lol.
all of that made me think about my life in a strange way. who am i really? i mean i know what i do and how i help when i help people. i know that i hate being up in the mornings and i go from having no sex drive whatsoever to hypersexual for days and weeks on end. i know that i love to read and that i try to do good for others when possible. i know that i miss my father and while i complain about her i love my mother as well. but what does all of that make me? i am this accumulation of things and traits but none of them tap into this vein that runs through me that allows me to even consider that dream as my potential future. i am a submissive woman. i love serving and trying to please Emperor. without this component of myself none of the other accumulated things will ever be as important to me again. i need it and i want it and yes it makes me happy. so i will keep plodding along in all of this and hope it all makes sense soon.
- n. A renewed or second assessment.
- n : a new appraisal or evaluation.
yes that is the word for today. after reading lionette's response to a person whose identity i won't speculate on lol it occured to me that this is what i have been struggling with the last few days, weeks even. i am trying to figure out who i am in relation to Him and what is it that is making me hesitant to trust Him without question. i know i seem to be in a different space daily with Him as of late. there are days when i could never be more enamored of Him and the changes He has made in my life. and there are days when it seems like i'm one misplaced word from asking to be released. of course you know i like the enamored days much more and the days when i'm on edge just seem to take all of my focus to muddle through.
i explained this to sidra a few nights ago on the phone. His touch silences all doubts in my brain that i should be anywhere but where He wants me to be. but He can't spend 24 hours a day touching me. and even that high i get afterwards has to fade eventually so even if the touching was just eight (dang that would be a lot lol) or four or two hours a day when the haze is clear my doubts return. i want to be wanted. i guess that is the subbie plight. we want to know that we are pleasing someone as that in turn will please us. from our initial conversations to now, something has changed. well duh, a lot has changed but i mean in the most basic of senses that my need of Him may now be overwhelming Him. that's fair if it happens to be true. a new sub is HIGHLY demanding and draining i would imagine and i am nothing if not a new sub. as wonderfully intuitive as i think myself to be sometimes i cannot transfer that ability to my own life, especially not with romantic entanglements. i need to hear the words, see the words whatever, in order to know what is desired of me and this is across all of my prior relationships not just with Emperor.
i want a few basic things at this point and Emperor has acknowledge He may not be able to meet those wants even though we haven't fully addressed them yet--well the ones that would require His effort.
- i want Him to be happy, it's a common wish i have for all the men i have ever dealt with but very much in this case do i want Him to be happy, whatever that looks like for Him and whether it involves me or not--no one should have to be unhappy in this life if something can be done to prevent it
- i want structure and rules, i need the ritual so that part of myself can feel useful to Him despite our distance--it may seem a mundane or silly thing to complain about, why not be happy that you aren't put to task more often with things designed to make you fail or frustrate you. it probably is a silly thing to complain about but seriously i have too much autonomy for my own liking
- mostly though i want us to continue being an us after all of this negoiating is over. that may not be possible especially if Him being happy is being without me but it is one of the wants.
i let myself sink too deeply without provocation. coming out of it has been difficult. He may not have wanted what i was trying to give Him so stepping back now and waiting for His guidance to be made clear has been frustrating at best. that dull ache is still there though so i know that He is still very important to me and i guess i just want to be important to Him as well. i know there are other options for me, that has been apparent for months as others have tacitly inquired to my status when i have not been collared and claimed by Him. but i knew then that i was His collar or not. if He opts to part ways then i guess i will look to those options but for now we are both apparently just waiting. i for Him and He for i'm not quite sure. it will get better regardless. i'll either be keeping a wonderful little sadist smiling or i'll be shopping for a new little sadist and somewhere in the midst of that i will be smiling through my tears with all the strength my masochistic little heart can muster.
it snowed for the first time today. it melted before i got home so i didn't stop to take pictures for my brother like i normally would. it was entirely TOO cold to do that this morning so i just ran into my office in my sneakers and got out of the cold. my clients all came, well one cancelled but she's beyond flaky, and they were all good sessions. i have a few clients that always make me think about Emperor. not because they look remotely like Him but because of the relationship issues they are having. one of those clients came into today and oddly enough her boyfriend has the same name as Emperor so it's always funny for me to hear her say his name during the session. anyway, they have some communication glitches partly because she hadn't said what she needed to and then would explode. i don't have that problem per se. i have a fair grasp of venting and know when it needs to be done. i haven't necessarily done it as much as i would like to but initially Emperor was quite receptive to that. lately though, especially when the comments i make seem innocuous to me, we end up in a tiff and i hate that. i don't want Him upset with me and i don't want to be upset with Him. it just takes me back to that limbo moment i mentioned before.
i adore that man, He really can bring about the silliest of smiles on my face. but i've always feared that i couldn't be what He desired and that is probably influencing things for us on either end of this thing. i believe we could make one another quite happy but there has to be that discussion about real wants and desires and negotiating if the reality can match the emotion--at least the emotion on my part. until that happens all i can really tell you all is i still long for His hands and His kiss and His laughter and His happiness and really just Him.
ETA: a poem i was thinking of when i was listening to music on the way home, i just wrote it so it's rough
Voices croon out of oversized speakers
The music swells as the voice becomes more intense
More demanding that I listen
That my body responds to its pleas
The music surrounds my body and pulls me closer
Like I wish his hands would do
I wish his lips would caress my neck the way the chords from the cello are doing right now
That he would pluck my strings in time with the music that has me hypnotized
I can't help thinking it's a miracle you're here
The voice is soothing and makes my chest swell with anticipation
A sigh escapes my lips as I am again lost in thoughts of him
I can imagine fingertips playing in my hair and drop my head absentmindedly
Lost in that space that is created from being near him
I want the softness to continue
For the music to always envelope me
And make me think of him with the feeling of longing I have right now
But if you'd only told me baby I would have made some other plans
I know it will fade all too soon
And leave me with a dull ache
That will be broken briefly by the next crescendo that sweeps me up
I can't help thinking it's a miracle you're here
And that can only be alleviated by his presence
- i am a daddy's little girl
- i give great massages
- i wanted to live with my father when my parents got divorced
- i am a tomboy
- i am not built like a tomboy though
- i actually like having breasts
- the "girls" make me happy
- i have four tattoos
- none of them can be seen if i am fully clothed
- i have nice full lips
- i used to be ashamed of them
- kids can be mean
- thankfully so can i
- i used to run track
- i ran the 100, 200, 400 and threw the shot put
- i quit running track and focused on volleyball
- we were affectionally called the jockettes
- we had fun
- then we all quit
- i met my first really long-term boyfriend then
- he could be deemed my first dom
- i was 15 years old
- we dated for four years
- he was a HORRIBLE dom
- he screwed me up for a while
- i didn't date seriously again for three years
- i did have LOTS of interesting sex
- and i met this one man that knows tongue tricks i still periodically miss
- i doubt i'll ever get married
- but i'm a hopeless romantic
- i doubt i'll ever kids
- but they make me smile like nothing else
- i hate reality shows but i will watch the endings
- i have a tv on pretty consistently
- i only really watch three types of shows though
- all the law and order shows
- sidenote i miss jerry orbach he was like my dad (baby's dad in dirty dancing, lenny briscoe on law and order)
- cartoons of almost any sort, can't get into anime to save my life
- and crime dramas/exposes/cold case kind of shows with city confidential on A&E being my favorite
- i have a sick sense of humor
- i'm very sarcastic
- i have no tact button
- if i do it hardly ever works
- the south park movie cracks me up
- i love prince
- i mean really love prince
- i've seen him in concert about 15 times
- he is the absolute best live
- he's also very funny
- i met him in kentucky (YEAH BOY)
- i love music
- it makes things make so much more sense sometimes
- music is one of the best gifts someone could give me
- i love my family
- they do drive me nuts though
- i still have most of my childhood toys
- i still sleep with teddy bears
- i love them and they make me sleep better
- i dream a lot
- they are always in color
- i have been in love about 10 times
- only two of those times really register as something unique
- one was that man with tongue tricks lol
- the other is Emperor
- He probably won't believe me
- it's okay because it won't change the facts
- those two times felt different because the people involved took to me to a place that i had not quite visited with the others
- it's hard to describe but it feels/felt right at the time
- i don't have a side of the bed
- i love pedicures
- i am 9 days away from my 30th birthday
- i have big plans and i am looking forward to it mightily
- i have four really good friends and i am glad they are in my life
- i am a BDSM newbie lol, this blog is only missing about two months of my journey
- newbie in the sense that i am aware of who and what i am finally
- i have published poetry and erotic fiction in various anthologies
- i love to write
- i am a big horndog
- i am perpetually horny
- i read blogs all day (when i am not doing my actual job lol) and they don't help
- i am not sure Emperor knows what to do with that lol
- i am starting to work out again next week
- this will be the last birthday i am wearing these damn clothes
- i will be supa dupa fly on the next birthday
- my hair is growing out well
- we achieved ponytail last week lol
- i have just started framing all the art i bought over the last few years
- i need to start hanging it now
- i also need to find an entertainment center for my tv and stereo
- i bought myself play dough and crayons and coloring books
- sometime soon i will crack those puppies open and enjoy them
- i am afraid of something but i can't label it
- i miss my father
- he was the greatest
- i hate that my future family won't get to know him
- i love my job
- i love my life
- i love to sleep
- i love that i am in this place at this time
- i love that i made it to 100
I know you think that you're safe
That keeps things this way
It's the ones who persist for the sake of a kiss
Who will pay
Cowboys and angels
They all take a shine to you
Why should I imagine that I was designed for you
Why should I believe
That you would stay
the last three lines are really what made me go, duh red. you love you lose you are better for it in this life. does that mean i want to lose anyone? heck no!!! if it ever occured to me that i could be happy with one person forever i would gladly move heaven and earth to be with him. but i need to know he wants me there cause otherwise the mountains on my back get heavy and i just wanna move clear across the galaxy to get off the planet where he and i won't be together. okay so that's a bit dramatic but still i don't like rejection but i hate pity even more. i do have an amazing amount of patience and i'm loyal to a fault but even as those are given without reservation i need to be stroked like a good kitty from time to time.
so oh well on that i just loved that piece of the song and was happy about it. ignore the title i am so not brokenhearted, well not really. i'm in limbo mostly. the simple adoration He produced in me hasn't gone anywhere but that cavernous hole created by His need for distance isn't there anymore either. i'm just here. as i said yesterday part of me still longs for Him, to be what He wants me to be. and that part is still fighting with the other part of me that would miss His touch but isn't sure we'll ever be what He wants so she would rather just be alone. she's not winning right now or very strong for that matter but she's still there. maybe He can quiet her down, maybe He can't but we won't know until He decides something. until then i'll be spinning george again.
y'all be good
|You Are Internal - Realist - Empowered|
You feel your life is controlled internally.
If you want something, you make it happen.
You don't wait around for things to go your way.
You value your independence and don't like others to have control.
You are a realist when it comes to luck.
You don't attribute everything to luck, but you do know some things are random.
You don't beat yourself up when bad things happen to you...
But you do your best to try to make your own luck.
You have a good deal of power, but you also know the pecking order.
You realize that working the system does get you further.
You know who to defer to and who to control.
When it comes to the game of life, you play things flawlessly.
|Your Birth Month is December|
You love life and exude an outgoing, cheerful vibe.
Blessed with a great sense of humor, you can laugh at adversity.
Your soul reflects: Celebration, success, and wealth
Your gemstone: Blue Topaz
Your flower: Narcissus
Your colors: Indigo, green, and blue-green
|Your 2005 Song Is|
Beverly Hills by Weezer
"My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me"
You breezed through 2005 in your own funky style!
i want Him to make me come to Him, to dress as He wishes, sit at His feet and entertain Him. i want to feel His hand absentmindedly playing in my hair and caressing my cheek as He tells me whatever He deems fit for me to know. i want to feel that luscious warmth that comes from being in His possession. i want us to be perfectly "normal" for a few moments before He reclaims me. it would be lovely to feel His teeth bite into my shoulder and neck roughly. it's amazing the sensation that triggers in the brain. tiny little rays of pleasure mix with the pain and it is an intense little high. it would be so nice to be gifted with the forceful kisses that force all other thought from my brain but how does His tongue make me so completely His?
He has no idea how badly i want to feel His breath on my back as He tightens my wrists into the cuffs. to feel Him graze my legs as He does the same with my ankles. to disappear into happy oblivion as the gag is inserted and my eyes blocked from all sight. i want to trust that He will push me and tease me and that i will please Him because i do not break and beg for Him to stop. i want to feel Him enter and abuse each orifice i possess with a fistful of my hair in His hand that He uses to constantly draw me back to Him and fuck me harder until i have no choice but to crumple on the bed sated as He feeds me one last serving of Himself deeply down my throat. i want every inch of my body to know that it belongs solely to Him and for Him to be the only thought on my mind until He gently brings me out of that place and allows me to again be His darling pet at His feet.
yeah that's what me and the part of myself that adores Him without question is desperate for and what the other part of myself is secretly praying for so that she can rest and merge with the rest of me.
i miss Him, i do but it's not even about to day. i'm just feeling a little out of it i guess. ignore me i'll feel better in the morning i'm sure. i hope that blogspot is working in the time it takes me to post this cause i am bored and want to go reading lol.
|You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament|
Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.
You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.
You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.
It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.
You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.
While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.
At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.
You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.
You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.
i still feel that tug when i think of Him 99 percent of the time. my invisible collar on a leash in His hands. i'd prefer the real thing but the hey a girl has to use her overly active brain for something every now and then. i've been trying to do the little He has asked of me. i'll admit it's difficult because it flies in the face of who i am inherently. i've been trying not to react to things He has said elsewhere because it wasn't to me and that has caused a ruckus in the past. i am just missing that physical reminder that i am His and tonight reading has not helped. ok enough pouting, need to finish drying some clothes and cuddle up with princess. nite everybody.
me and princess have been sleeping together well for the last few nights. it's been a glorious thing. i have had a few mood swings because of Emperor but it's mainly cause i miss Him and let's face it my current locale is not all that interesting really. it's pretty to look at but if i had a choice between remaining here and becoming entrenched in the community or chained to a bed with Emperor the bed is looking immensely more appealing. (off tangent--imitation of life is coming on, there is only one version i can watch and i prefer to see it in black and white but oh my it makes me sob if i watch it all the way through. i just get confused with Him sometimes and i am in desperate need of the nice bondage and discipline piece of my submission. ahh well, there are always daydreams.
i need to go find some food and do the things i should before i start getting ready for the last round of battle with the cleaning fairy. i'll probably post again later but if i don't ladies and gents have a wonderful Sunday.
why is life interesting may you ask? or even if you didn't let me tell you. a few nights ago Emperor told me He thought i was needy. it never occured to me that He thought that and then i had to sit with that after we were done talking to do some introspection, as i always do when someone tells me something i wasn't expecting about myself. could i be needy? i guess it depends on how you define the word but in some circumstances i guess i could be perceived as needy. not financially needy, i could always use more funds but i'd never look to anyone i wasn't married to for any assistance there. i'm not psychologically needy. i do have my issues and i am aware of them and trying to fix them as best i can. i am what some folks might consider emotionally needy. not in the kind of sense that i need constant flattery or attention from the person i'm seeing (that's why i can usually function okay for a long stretch in long distance situations). however, i am emotionally needy in the sense that i like to talk. it's part of why i do what i do. it gives me the interaction i need on a daily basis and allows me to help other people at the same time.
contact is how i know that i am welcome in someone's life. even the idle sort of absent minded conversations are better than no contact at all for me. Emperor is not like this. He never has been and i doubt He ever will be. He keeps His own counsel as folks are apt to say. i do to a much lesser degree but every now and then i need to seek advice from those i trust and those people usually include my partners. i have remember though that this is one of those points that couples have to address together. balancing needs versus wants and desires. i haven't had to do that in a while. being mostly single means you can rid yourself of people at will and without warning. being His means until He is fed up or bored or moves on that i will be with Him trying to be what He wants and do what He asks of me. it is an adjustment after so much time on my own but it's one that i want to make. after He asked me a simple question and i gave a simple answer the quick discarding was over for me. i adore Him as you all know lol so this is just one more step along the path of my submission to Him. it's a path i plan to stay on with His help of course. if nothing else, i will learn to taper off the demands i put on other people to give me some sort of connection to the world at large (been working on that one as you saw in a previous post) and to allow me to enjoy and strengthen the connection i have with Him.
anyhoo i am going to add some quizzes to this post and then finish laughing at this erectile dysfunction commercial.
|You Passed 8th Grade Science|
Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!
|You Passed 8th Grade Math|
Congratulations, you got 8/10 correct!
|You Are a Skin Deep Sweetheart|
You may be supermodel gorgeous or a plain Jane.
It really doesn't matter, because you're confident and secure.
You don't go out looking like a slob, but you are low maintenance.
You have better things to worry about than whether your nails are the right shade!
|You Are a Normal Girl|
You are 40% Good and 60% Bad
Sure you've pulled some bad girl stunts in your past.
But these days, you're (mostly) a good girl.
|Your Winter Look is Cute|
You always bring color to a dreary winter day!
|You Can Hang With the Guys and the Girls|
You've struck a good balance between girlie and laid back.
You can keep it casual but when you dress up, you are as girly as the next girl.
|What Your Black Outfit Means|
You're a sophisticated woman with big city taste.
You have a strong creative force - even if you don't wear the boldest clothes.
You tend to intimidate people. But the right guy won't be intimidated by you!
Designer match: Dolce & Gabbana
Signature accessory: Gold framed sunglasses
|You are a Brainy Girl!|
Whether you're an official student or a casual learner, you enjoy hitting the books.
You know a little bit about everything, and you're always dying to know more.
For a guy to win your heart, he's got to share some of your intellectual interests.
A awesome book collection of his own doesn't hurt either!
|Your Fashion Style is Classic|
You like what's stood the test of time...
Simple, well styled clothes that don't scream trendy
You stay updated and modern, but your clothes stay in style for a while
You wouldn't be caught in animal prints, fake fur, or super bright colors