my imitation of life in color

Saturday, January 21, 2006
okay anyone that has seen the referened movie will know there are two versions, one that is now only available in color and that i have to make black and white most of the time i watch it. regardless it's fitting for phase two of this post so bear with me. i left you with on being sexual. i'll revisit that and move on.

on being sexual: you would think after the massive missive i just posted that sex would be the last thing on my mind. it is and it isn't. i crave Him much like i crave a nice rich piece of chocolate or kiss or a warm bath. i could have sex with anyone. i have been offered really good sex from people i know could back it up. but save an overwhelming desire to plant myself on my knees in front of Emperor nothing will ever come out of those situations. my sexuality is being defined in terms of my submission and nothing else rates very highly. i begged Him to hurt me yesterday, He laughed but He agreed and i was blissful. i just want that feeling to last whenever He touches me or allows me to touch myself. but then again i just want Him and everything else is just a pale imitation right now.

on being sexual again: wanting Him doesn't stop my body from reacting to other stimuli. a certain person's voice, the site of a gorgeous face or body are all very intriguing for me. combine this with the fact that i think i'm just one of those humans in which nearly anything can be made sexual i can stay pretty wired all the time. last night after i shook off the day i took the best bubble bath. i was very relaxed, feeling quite delightful in the water, and then i felt horny. i was tempted to get out of bed to find something to help with that when i saw a nearly empty phallic shaped thing that would work---you'd be amazed what i think is phallic shaped by the way lol. instead of jumping up for the vibrator me and phallic substitute became intimately acquainted and it was probably more enjoyable for me because i never really had to move in the water. it was all entirely too perfect the way it was. and my brain thought hmmmm if Emperor was here watching this i'm sure He'd call me a horny little slut and not only would He be right it would have made me hornier that He had observed me. i finished the bath and leisurely got dressed before resuming my search for a third. that set me off again except for a brief moment when someone questioned my service to Emperor. how i could i be looking for something or someone else, why wasn't my mind entirely focused on Him? if i could have guffawed at that moment it would have been loud and lengthy. i was only searching where i was because of Emperor. i could and would be perfectly delighted in doing nothing more than tending to Him for the rest of His natural life. i am waiting for other things to fall in place yes but my reaction to Him and responsibility to Him will not be altered as i wait. i keep these things for Him, these physicalities, because i want to see His face as He brings these things out of me. yeah yeah my wants again lol but only in service to Him.

on being needy: yes i can put it out there, as a sub, i am probably needy as hell. my life functions quite well from 8 to 5 unless i am distracted by Emperor. and after 5 i keep hoping that there will be a time that He can swoop in and just take over that which He has set in place. ahh one major problem, we're six hundred or so miles away from one another lol. beyond that He doesn't need that much from me on a daily basis from His own admission. it does make my overwhelming desire to please Him go slightly out of wack which makes me off and Him irritated trying to deal with all of that. it's an interesting dance to be sure and one i am trying to withstand so that i don't end up dancing alone.

on being His: i don't know if i can ever properly speak to this. shortly after we met the first time, He asked if i wanted to serve Him. well of course i wanted to serve Him, nothing else seemed nearly as important in that moment as what He was asking of me. what i'm sure that neither of us could know then is what that would mean for the other person. He got someone to train who was overly eager to be sure and i got to be led by a man who i trusted, was attracted to (you have no idea how many horrid Doms there are out there), and felt a connection to. since then, we have both grown and changed in ways that probably would seem foreign to those people. what i want to endure for Him, be for Him, would have made that woman break out in hives i am quite sure. He has to be wondering what He signed up for. this woman, the woman i am, is much more engrossed in the servitude than i'm sure it appeared i might be at the time. that surprises me so i know it has to surprise Him on some level. hopefully we will get over that shock and be able to settle into something good for both of us. if not then i will have to have a long talk with whatever higher power that sanctioned this connection lol.

okay enough babbling for now.

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4 comments

  1. I can so relate... back track to 2005... and i remember so well how it all felt.. i too was in a LDR....

    but i like your writing.. and it is a journey, like you said..... so...
    hang in there....

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  2. thanks, i appreciate the feedback and am once again enjoying the journey, please do come back

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  3. Hummm... I couldn't live like that... Would be too hard for me... and I'm sure I wouldn't be that 'faithfull'... ;-))

    LOOLOL... your description of your bath and intimacy with whatever was there reminded me of some years back... I was fucking with every objects I could find on my way to bed...lololol...and sometimes, very strange associations gave me satisfaction...;-)

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  4. lol being lazy in the bath requires some ingenuity from time to time. as for faithful, i've had a few long distance relationships and the serial monogamist in me exploited that but honestly i have no real desire for anyone else to touch me right now. sad to the woman i once was, delightful to the one i'm becoming.

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