my imitation of life

Friday, January 20, 2006
i could have easily titled this post on practicing patience but when i started thinking about what i wanted to say there is more to this moment than that. this may ramble and i will try to break it up and just to warn you this may also be rather long so if you keep reading and wonder when i'm going to shuddup it's your fault. okay let's start

on being patient: i have to say i am horrible at this. absolutely horrible. i got much better after my father died but i think it was because i was numb. then i think it was because he did't want me snapping off and hurting folks so he watched over me. well they can't watch forever and ultimately my patience had to be back on me. with some aspects of my life i am entirely too patient but that may because i could care less about what happens in those arenas. in other aspects of my life, the one that directly relates to this post, i am not patient at all. i want to be better now. i want to be with Him now. i want to know that He wants me now. when those don't happen i have a mighty fall and i am left to pick myself up again and promise not to revisit the spot. that's sort of where i am this morning but it's more than that which i will get to later. i rationalize my impatience by saying i just want to do better. i just want to make Him happy. i just want to do for Him what other subs do for their Doms. you can't rationalize an unproductive behavior and by all means my impatience is unproductive. loving Him doesn't absolve me from taking things slowly and as much as i would like to be at His beck and call i can't have that right now.

on being in love: i still haven't told HIM that. i won't unless He asks me. not because i'm afraid of His reaction but i just can't make my mouth open and say it. i am terrified of speaking them into existence because this situation, this man, this place is entirely different than the other times i gave life to "i love you" and at least for me there is more on the line. if the words ever come out of my mouth i want them to be give breath to a future and nothing more. so while yes i love my Dom, my Emperor, i'm too scared of fucking it up to do anything but what i'm doing it now.

on fucking up: lol of course we never do this intentionally but when it is done it is done in a big way. this typically happens for me when i am feeling like i am lacking and disappointing Him or when i am being impatient. i can't do things i would do in a vanilla relationship to pout or get my way. it doesn't work to begin with and it just ends up making Him annoyed in the long run. i don't like displeasing Him so i should stop and as of this morning that practicing patience thing will be done without pause.

on being broken: physically i have no idea what it would take to have me shudder into the big mushy pile i keep mentioning. He hasn't pushed me that far yet even though i hope He is motivated to do so soon. however, last night i helped Him break me down mentally. not intentionally and this could be deemed part of fucking up but it was done by the time i fell asleep. i feel like i failed Him utterly in my submission to Him. i never flat out said it but i was demanding a decision from Him that He was neither obligated to make or necessarily needed to. in my mind, however, i was doing what i should be doing and putting the onus on Him as the person that is responsible for our decisions. i have never felt so defeated and wretched in my entire life. a girlfriend tried to comfort me and i appreciate that but she was right about one thing. no matter how i moan about the situation when i wake up the next morning i will still love Him. that's what i fell asleep thinking and it could account for the oddness of my dream lol but it was a stark realization for me again. lol i'm crying as i type it, but as i told Him before i signed off for the evening i know better now that no matter what i want it always comes back to Him.

my protestations and anger aren't really about Him because normally He has done nothing to engender. they are about me feeling like i failed Him and being angry that i haven't done better. and that's when i realized literally for the first time that i had been broken. my thoughts circle back to making Him more pleased, more stable, more whatever i can. it's not a question of will i submit but how i can submit and this bitching i've been doing is because i was trying to fight that. i can't fight it though, i will lose each and every time. because i love Him, He won this battle a long time ago and i was just being too stubborn to see that. my eyes are open now. i just hope it's not too late.

ETA: on being sexual: you would think after the massive missive i just posted that sex would be the last thing on my mind. it is and it isn't. i crave Him much like i crave a nice rich piece of chocolate or kiss or a warm bath. i could have sex with anyone. i have been offered really good sex from people i know could back it up. but save an overwhelming desire to plant myself on my knees in front of Emperor nothing will ever come out of those situations. my sexuality is being defined in terms of my submission and nothing else rates very highly. i begged Him to hurt me yesterday, He laughed but He agreed and i was blissful. i just want that feeling to last whenever He touches me or allows me to touch myself. but then again i just want Him and everything else is just a pale imitation right now.

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2 comments

  1. I really don't know what to say... such love and so little to hang to...
    Sure, you are in love with this emperor... Is he in love with you?? IMHO, it is time for him to show is cards...
    You want to give him all you are, all you have... but you still wait to be collared... and you keep your sexual needs for him alone... while you could have some relief... it is beautiful... and I only wish he sees it as I do... I'll feel very hurt myself if ever you come out of this hurt yourself.. I truely believe in 'love', in a way many have lost faith in... because I'm sure there is somewhere someone for everyone... and I know I found my half... only reason for me to go to therapy... I would love so much to see you as sure as I am... You are a so beautiful heart and so willing to love... it would be a great lost for him if ever he is not there, when you will need him more than ever...
    And I feel this moment coming soon... I only hope he is seeing it too...

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  2. i'm sure He knows it now, i told Him most of this before i went to bed last night. what He does with that information is solely at His discretion. He's not making me stay so whatever i endure is my responsibility as well. and believe me it's taking a long time to get here that i can trust myself enough to allow Him close to me. i haven't done that in years and in a sense i'm glad because there's nothing else to interfere with what it is i'm feeling now. i'm quite positive whatever is supposed to happen will in due course. thank you for all of your kind words though, when i read them i nearly started crying.

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