with my hand over my heart

Wednesday, January 04, 2006
okay title may be misleading or what not but it's the only way i could think to capture what it is i want to say. i've been off reading in blogland again, and every sub knows that's now alway the best idea lol especially if we aren't with the one we serve at that precise moment. i can't say it's been a bad thing tonight but my brain is racing again so i needed to let this out and hope it makes sense at the end of it.

for the last six months i have been getting to know and ultimately love the person you all know as Emperor. He is the sole reason this blog and this part of my identity exists. through all of my tantrums, my ups and downs, my longing and doubt, He has been there and i have never really wanted to be anywhere else. for a while now i've known that no matter what i might say to myself about the situation, He is precisely what i want. i have also felt for quite some time now that i am not quite positive He is on the same wavelength with me. it's one of those things that women worry about. am i what He wants? can i be all that He wants me to be? does He want me to be anything lol? truthfully, i do not know and i cannot really know that if He chooses not to tell me as much.

it is that conundrum that Master Engima addressed before. is it wise for a sub to love her Master when it is possible that those feelings will never be returned? i still don't think that i could serve and submit without loving the person that receives that gift but in a sense it may be a skill that i have to acquire if Emperor and i ever part. i am not prepping for a departure ladies and gents i'm just thinking out loud. much as taylor described tonight, the hunger to be with Him is never staved off too long. that desire fuels several other things and periodically it just makes the anxiety and fear overwhelm me. He's never said you are not at all what I want pet nor has He said you are completely wonderful pet lol. He tells me enough to keep me happy but not enough to make me totally secure. and i assuredly understand that it's not His job to give me that feeling. it's something i have to nurture within myself as well. but every now and then the right words would feel just as lovely as His fingers do when they are preparing to flog the living hell out of me lol. i want to Him to use and torment me just as much as i want Him to speak to me about silly things, envelop me into His world even though we are hundreds of miles apart.

i am not confused or moody or upset. i'm just missing Him and the sheer elation hearing His voice brings me. and part of me wants to know that He gets some benefit from having me in His life beyond the knowledge that some woman adores Him madly. and of course i do lol we all know this. so with my hand tucked firmly between the breasts He gets to abuse at will i know that this calmness is because of Him and this quiet joy is because of this situation. i could ask for more and there are a billion things i could potentially ask for but knowing that i made Him as happy as He has made me i could sink my little subbie heart off to sleep peacefully for a good long while.

hugs and kisses everyone
red

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