general update

Friday, February 24, 2006
okay folks i know it's probably seemed like a long time since i said anything lol, compared to how i used to post definitely, but really i am just getting a moment to sit still and tell you all of this.

as much pain as i was in the last week and the confusion i've felt i was under for much longer than that, i am blessed with an amazing sense of clarity right now. i kept trying to be still thinking that meant not to walk away from Emperor and what i thought we were building towards. the message didn't make sense to me until He was telling me that He preferred her to me. i can't really explain it here well but just know that i felt a wave of calm and peace wash over me as i saw what was going to unfold there now. i'm not saying we'll be getting back together or that i'm even secretly hoping that will occur. i will say that the message itself made complete and utter sense and i can take it for what it is now. i've shed "pet" over the last forty-eight hours and the few times we have spoken it's basically been me making sure He was resting and that He was safely on His trip. i'm okay with that too, He wants to keep in contact so we will and if He needs me i know that i will be there to lend Him an ear after all He allowed me to get to the place i'm at now. not to say He's some great svengali but without His guidance i never would have embraced my submission for what it is.

if you ask me if i still love Him of course i do, you can't shut that off overnight. well i guess some people can but i'm not one of them. a good friend explained to me that there are various types of love in the world and He is for me my "unforgettable unconditional love." i knew the relationship was going to end, i knew that ultimately i probably wouldn't be what He wanted and i loved Him with everything i had all the more. i knew too that had He said something differently in the midst of that last real conversation i'd probably have been here gushing with the verocity of a woman in love. regardless, there are limited scenarios in which that love would still be available to Him in the future, none of which i want to get into now because they are so far fetched as to be fanciful at this point. i don't wish Him ill and He told me the same thing. i hope that she is able to make Him blissfully happy and appreciates Him for the man that i know He is waiting to become. if not i'll just take out her kneecaps and help Him find the next woman that can try to fill that spot for Him.

as for me, that clarity also did an amazing thing. instead of shutting down like my brain thought it would, my body and my heart have just filed away memories of Emperor. He was my first, apparently not destined to be my only, Dom and the only man that will ever drag that amount of emotion from me. that is not to say that i cannot and will not love again because i will, quite happily so and it will be with another Dom because what i am is a submissive woman who needs and craves that in her life. filing things away have left a wonderful window of opportunity with which to say aloud i'm ready for what you have in store for me whomever is looking over my life. and surprisingly enough they not only answered quickly but with someone who seems equally intrigued by me as i am by him. i do not have a new Dom, i'm not sure he could ever be my Dom as we are really just doing the vanilla flirting thing right now but he is open and honest and direct and i appreciate that more than i could possibly express. so the velvet rope will not be shutting down and i will not be disappearing from cyberspace. i had to bury the ghosts and prepare for the light that is coming at the end of this long dark tunnel. i thank you all for the kind words you have shared with me over the last few days but throughout my journey with Him. okay i'm about to make myself cry so i need to stop. who knew i could cry this much lol? i'm getting sappy in my old age ROFLMAO.

love you all
red

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2 comments

  1. Hey.... It is hard. You are sane and mentally well. But I know it is very, very hard.

    I offer you my arms to wrap around you in a hug and my chest to rest your head against for a time.

    ReplyDelete
  2. thanks for the hugs Master Enigma, i'll rest until your wife needs it back

    ReplyDelete