alice through the looking glass

Thursday, April 20, 2006
a very kinky post is likely to follow this one or truth be told this may turn into but for the moment just be prepared for me to ramble and appear to be venting for a while to come. i apologize if that's not why you stopped by but today has been an odd day to put it politely. surprisingly i slept well after my delayed sleep. i should have likely gone to bed after he signed off but i never know if he's going to wake up and need me so i tend to linger until i think it is highly unlikely that Roaming Soldier will be looking for me. off tangent entirely there but i slept well all things considered. my clients were doing well even though i COMPLETELY and utterly forgot what one of them looked like. sweet girl just needed her mood stabilized and is doing better but seriously blanked on what she looked like until she arrived. i feel bad when it happens but i saw a lot of folks that week and really just had nothing that stood out about her. moving on.

i almost called this post "the company you keep" but changed my mind. the last year and a half has been one of amazing self-discovery for me and some interesting growing pains. growth edges i think they are called in my profession lol. anyway, i am a relatively "new" submissive. by that i mean applying the term to myself as opposed to how i interact with men in my life. i always tried to slip into the role but pushing men into inflicting pain on me wasn't happening. so instead i had a LOT of sex with a few people. limited number of partners but fucked like bunnies lol. i couldn't get enough. sexual appetite was out of control for over a year. if i wasn't discriminating (and oh my God i was) i could have easily been labeled a nymphomaniac. little things that shouldn't remotely be sexual for me were and my natural flirtiness went into overdrive. i am an incorrigible flirt. i am quick to play on words, seize an opportunity to push the proverbial envelope. i may even stoke the fantasies of those i'm flirting with before i log off/walk off/hang up from whomever i'm chatting with. their imagination is fueled, i get motivation to kill some kittens and appreciate the fact that RS does the same things with me the point he often leaves me reddening (blushing for the new people). all is well and good and no bodies met and no violations were created. no harm no foul as far as i am concerned. i mean really does flirting hurt people? apparently it can hurt people, me in particular, but not in that any great long lasting pain is inflicted upon someone's life but people don't see flirting as innocently as i do and have definitely judged me accordingly.

i will flirt with anyone lol, the young, the old, the single, the hoping to be single, the married, the divorced, the bitter, the flirty, the eager, the sweet and those desperately needing to be broken in half so their arrogance can be slated a bit. as soon as the moment of flirting ends so does any further intention on my part. i can flirt with anyone, and have, but very rarely have i ever taken up anyone off limit's on their invitation. the only time i have slipped up was with a married ex two months after my father died when i was both not expecting to see him and we had a massive amount of unresolved issues that needed to be resolved. they were in that hotel room that afternoon. we have kept in touch somewhat and i check on his wife and daughter the same way he periodically checks on me and my mother. we don't speak of that day but we don't make plans to repeat it either. a little over a year ago, i ran into a different married ex who for a very brief moment in time forgot he was married. i helped remind him and showed him his way home. we cannot flirt lol, we cannot chat, too much tension still there and while we both recognize a relationship would not work out--the tempation to forget is too great for both of us. well it used to be, now the truth of the matter is he's a great guy but his happiness can't be found in me and mine surely can't be found in him. compound that with the fact that he's almost as sub-minded as i am and we have the makings of crap on a stick if we ever took leave of our senses.

i'm sure you are wondering what brought all this on lol. why the self-disclosure and to what end? i guess i need to just finish venting and all i'm hoping is that someone gets something out of what i'm about to say. be careful when you start to assume things about other people. a flirt is not a threat unless you allow it to become one. it's not a threat unless the person receiving the attention is somehow more intrigued by the possibility of than they are with what they are holding. and believe me when i say if it's a threat by the time you see it coming you will be damn near left in the cold. someone out and openly flirty means no one any harm 90 percent of the time. the 10 percent they do, i can't do anything more than apologize for as no one should try to inflict harm on others. i love men, nearly all of them that have some sense and can carry on a good conversation, they entertain me and make me smile. however, i'm not the twenty-two year old girl with a hellacious sex drive anymore and i only care about one man---you know him as Roaming Soldier. people that know me and love me seem to understand that flirty red doesn't equal loose and predatory red. i asked that today based on another situation that come up. as i told one friend then i'm sure it won't be the last time it happens and it surely wasn't the first time it had happened. they see me as i hoped i was portraying myself to the world, a funny woman that thinks like a man and can keep herself in an amazing amount of check unless she's madly in love. however, i asked another friend (one who doesn't know me as well) if i seemed like the person that would intentionally get involved with a married man. he thought about it for a moment and said yes. now mind you, i didn't get involved with him while he was still married and can't even say i even flirted with him all that much. i don't flirt with him at all, he's a buddy and very quickly went into "like a brother" category for me. my brothers are cute but EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW what kind of perv do you think i am?

anyway, that comment along with earlier conversations and prior interactions with people--women in particular--it got me to thinking. who is it that people see when they see me? how many of them leave me with the totally wrong impression of who i am? how many old friendships have ended not because of some actual transgression but the belief that i was headed that way? let me say this plainly--i don't step on anyone's toes. i may screw your brains out four hours before you say "i do" but the minute you have, 99 percent of the time your sexual appeal for me slips to nothing. that one percent that is hanging on i've already mentioned and we just don't talk. yes i am a flirt but damn i do have standards here. i am an amalgamation of contradictory parts. i love sex and men (as evidenced by my soon to be posted quizilla quiz) but i am incredibly respectful of boundaries. even when those involved have forgotten their way i am quick to remind them and gladly avoid those that i have to. it's not about being guilty in this case, it's about operating with some common decency.

what does this all have to do with who i am now and my submission? honestly nothing and everything. it hasn't changed who i am as a submissive or what i choose to do with my submission. however, it is why i enjoy bdsm in a certain way. respect for people, boundaries and commitments are all tantamount in the lifestyle. we are marginalized enough--we don't need to make it more difficult within the ranks. this respect is sorely missing in a lot of my vanilla interactions. people are quick to overstep into another person's backyard without regard for what that will do to everyone else in the situation. the rules inherent in bdsm don't tolerate such transgressions easily. neither have i as i grew up with a father who couldn't be faithful to sae his life. i love/d him dearly but as a result of that there are two things i cannot stand in anyone i date 1) lying and 2) even the remotest willingness to cheat. one will get you downgraded from my life and both can get you dismissed entirely. as i think about bdsm, infidelity and my role in that whole situation i come back to this commercial i loved. 1) full of tall buffed sweaty men oh my oh my and 2) the voiceover slightly sounds like ray lewis whom i would molest every day all day long good gawd that man is fine (yes i know about his criminal record but the brother is lovely). anyway what i was thinking was of a simple phrase, we must protect this house. protection comes from inside and out. know who your significant other is interacting with but give them (your partner) the respect to trust that they aren't trying to tear down your home. if they are there trying to destroy it there is little you can do to stop them. if they aren't believe me the suspicions get old fast and what you are trying to prevent will happen anyway. go ahead and handle your business but be careful about how you do it. protect your house.

okay no kink right now. i need to process and talk to RS.

love ya
red


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8 comments

  1. Red, I know exactly what you mean. As one that has very few women friends, and many men friends, coupled with the fact that I flirt with everyone, people often assume the wrong thing about me. I got tired very quickly of having to explain myself in this area. So now I just say fuck it...think whatever you want. I know who I am and what I do and dont do. (and I also had a father who could not keep it in his pants, so that is a big no-no for me too) Have a wonderful weekend hun.

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  2. Interesting Dearest Red...Interesting.........

    In Service,
    slave callie

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  3. Deb,

    you're right i just needed to spew it all out for a minute. truth be told i'm not going to change a whole lot. i like flirting it's fun. and after talking to RS shortly after posting this i feel a lot better. RS is such a protective sweetheart i swear lol. i am who i am and that limits my network of friends but it keeps me happy.

    hugs
    red

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  4. callie,

    glad you found it interesting. a lot of times i used to think i was somehow misassembled at birth. i very much so think like a man and relate to them better but i really like my boobs so i know i'm in the right body. i have too much respect for other folks happiness than to try to get mine at the expense of theirs. i know a lot more women like me than i don't but we pose the least threat to any commitment. the friend you've had for years that you gush about how wonderful or complain about how horrible he is to is the person most likely to cause you some discomfort. you being figurative not you personally. at least that has been my experience.

    feel free to say more later.

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  5. My Dearest Red, this slave thinks that so many times we are so involved with pleasing others that we neglect ourselves. In that point of neglect- we are easily saddened, hurt, and perhaps in ways confused as to why when people do those things to us- we try and fix it to appease them still. it is not within our realm to constantly do that. We- are all with different traits and nature skills. What is natural for you- may be deemed inappropiate to others. As long as you know from deep within your soul- who you are and what it is that you do- then you should never have to explain yourself to others who possibly cannot see that radiant light that glows from you.You are your own person.unique.

    In Service,
    callie

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  6. callie,

    thanks for your words, i've spent a lot of time not explaining and as a result i've probably let a lot of people inflict their thoughts on other people. this rambling post was as much for those like me as it was for me. i may be prompted to do it again in the future but for now i'm good--thanks again.

    red

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  7. I'm glad you got this off of your chest. People are sad, sometimes, myself included. I can only hope those people make their pain go away--be it counseling, joie de vivre (you know I can't do French), acceptance or divorce.

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  8. yep it's off my chest and that was close enough for me to know what you meant, i'll talk to you later

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