on ending things

Sunday, July 23, 2006
okay so i wasn't going to post again till the vacation was over. i have to write this now before i do my normal deconstruction and make everything all right. i doubt i'll post this before i get back on the road later today but it needed to come out now. i have an assortment of friends in my life. i am often accused of keeping people in my life well past them serving any useful purpose. the vacation started off well enough but as i sped across town to spend the last night with a girlfriend it dawned on me that this time my friends were right. the main person i went to see should have clearly been extricated from my life well before now. they made it crystal clear how self-absorbed they are and will continue to be which is unfortunate because i believe that they could make a wonderful human one day if they ever decide to grow up. i won't be there to see it. as i made my exit, i made one final request of them, never to contact me again. now i'm sure somewhere in the back of their minds that seemed overly dramatic and i am sure to be fodder for their roast for many moons to come and that's my fault for not seeing what they were worth before now. i am incredibly upset but not with them really. i'm mad at myself for not enjoying the weekend i had planned for myself because i wanted to make them happy and spend a good few days out of the area. so i'm going to wake up reasonably early and head back to the rest of the weekend i had for myself. i'll probably cry for my own stupidity shortly and then call it a night after i write Roaming Soldier a long loving letter. it often takes God and fate to slap us squarely in the face sometimes and from that we learn and we grow. i apologize to the people i meet after this. i probably won't be as trusting or giving with my friendship as i once was. i probably won't invest in people the same way i used to and i'll say it's because i learned a lesson but really it's because i'm hurting that my kindness was taken for granted. it is what it is unfortunately and i won't forget what this weekend has taught me for a long while to come.

bye bye
red

edited to add:

Roadtrip to End All Roadtrips:

gas 60 bucks
drinks 5 bucks
food and liquor 40 bucks
hideaway hotel back home 98 bucks
total drive time 10 hours 30 minutes
seven perfectly crafted mood cds 40 bucks
finding out who has your best interest @ heart absolutely priceless

i'm feeling better than when i wrote this initially. i was able to talk to Roaming Soldier before i dosed off, got a good cry in and hung out with a small furry creature that was trying to make me feel better (he ended up sleeping with me that night, very sweet). we all have pivotal moments in life and this was another of mine. i have to stop seeing in people what they don't want to see in themselves. i can't help everyone and i can't share with them the happiness i enjoy in my day to day life if they don't want to experience it with me. you're going to think i'm a posting whirling derbish soon but i need to wrap this one up so i could start on the next one.

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