distracted and ditzy and dangerous?

Monday, August 07, 2006
i haven't been at the top of my game lately. well the smut is still flowing nicely but that's about it. i'm tired at work, i'm tired at home. i'm horny as hell and then i feel like a nun. i enjoy sleeping but i'm not seeming to do very much of it lately and if i had my druthers (yes i used it again) i'd just be curled up with Him every night getting to work on the brothers and sisters Littlest Soldier would like to have. i'm not sure if that's the problem either. as of late when i'm asleep i can feel Him holding me. don't ask me how because He's never done it at this point but i feel a sense of security and hell snugness that my very empty bed cannot provide me on its own. it's a strange feeling but a welcome one all the same. but part of my brain is trying to shoo it away because i want to know what His arms actually feel like not my imagining of them. they may be exactly the same. it could just be that the very intense and lovely connection we have had almost all along has gotten a little stronger and i'm feeling what He's feeling across all these miles. i like that thought, it makes me sigh a bit. last night He told me that He was suiting up to go off on a mission, not anything resembling my favorite words. my brain screamed for a minute---why tell me this? what am i supposed to do now but worry? and of course i did worry but He tells me because He loves me. He tells me because as much as that screaming went on the rest of my brain said but i'd rather know to be worried than not. it's a tricky balancing act for sure. i love Him and support Him unconditionally. that doesn't stop me from cursing at W everytime i hear his name or voice or basically i'm awake. i hate the little bastard, i wish people hadn't let fear get the best of them two years ago and maybe we wouldn't be sitting in this mess now. maybe i'd be writing about my girl's wedding or planning my own or telling you all how much i hate morning sic kness but instead i'm apparently not noticeably shaken and missing Him more than i've missed another human save my father. my head is in a weird space. but i'll be looking forward to my snuggle tonight.

speaking of smut, i'll post part iv of the honeymoon after i finish part v and send it to Him. for those of you that like the idea of "little girl" being bad and "Daddy" having to punish her you will most definitely enjoy it. i did lol and He most assuredly did. hopefully i can keep my smart mouth in check when He gets home otherwise i'll be laying on my stomach trying to post on here lol. and i started making a list of songs i'm going to track on my cd player to see if i want to add them to a cd. if so then i'll burn as many as will fit and call it a day. He deserves a good soundtrack upon His return. if i don't like them i'll toss some out and throw some others in. thanks to my evil twin for the slowly hook up.

now you can see that i'm clearly distracted and a bit on the ditzy side so i'm sure you are now wondering about the dangerous. well see yesterday two men i find hilarious called me dangerous as we matter of factly discussed some bdsm related things and i had to stop and ponder for a minute. (this is me stopping to ponder, what i do it from time to time) anyhoo, so i stopped to ponder about all the different times men had told me that and some truly meant it in jest---you're dangerous--definition:
  • you could hurt a man (dying from an orgasm seems fair to me)
  • you could kill someone and no one would find out (they are probably right so don't push me)
  • you make a man think things he shouldn't (how i do this one is beyond me)
  • you are the type of woman some men dream about but all are afraid of (da fuck if i know on this one)
  • you are often underestimated until you're gone and that's fucked up for whomever you left (i'll agree)

counting yesterday, i've heard that phrase from almost every man i know over the last 10 or so years. the ones that haven't said it know me well enough to know that i really am harmless because 90 percent of the time i'm not interested enough in most folks to feel a need to influence their lives one way or the other. the other 10 percent that i am, well for the most part no one has anything bad to say about me. i've never been dishonest about my needs or wants. i try to tell folks what i think is going wrong before i bounce and unless i catch you cheating on me i'm almost always willing to give you ONE more shot. after that, pack your ish and bounce. i'm by no means an angel but really do i seem like a dangerous girl to you guys? (ok really can you see me as a dangerous little girl?)


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