sleeping alone

Saturday, September 23, 2006
okay so this may be long and winding. you have been warned lol.

the last few days have once again been hectic. work is mildly overwhelming. my back was killing me. i've been inside wally world more than any human should have to be and then today when i was feeling all motivated to get to the gym, my mother drops yet another shopping list on me before i leave for work then i have to argue with the phone company for twenty minutes to figure out what the hell they have done to my phone service over two days that it's perpetually screwed up. i was headed directly to the store but decided, for my own mental well-being, to stop by the gym and go ahead and join. in my brain, once i join then i will feel obligated to go utilize what i'm paying for. the guy that handles the memberships wasn't there and i was tempted not to stay but i went and worked out anyway. nothing overly strenuous but i worked out on various machines till my legs got wobbly and then went to get the groceries. i damn near got drenched when i got home but that would have been just fine. i planned on washing my hair anyway so no biggie there.

my mother was actually polite when i got here and there were no major issues last night with the exception of the cable going out when the storm picked up. it died out then lo and behold in the middle of my drool fest the storm picked up and sounded like it was coming in the window. that's when the title of this post came crashing back on my forehead again. i love the rain. it makes me happy, horny and sleepy. i wanted to go stand on the balcony for a minute before the storm started blowing things away. the horny wasn't going to be tended to at all. i wasn't feeling motivated to get myself off and He's gone way far away. so that just left sleepy. as soon as i got a paragraph in on this post last night i fell asleep. i woke up, turned off the computer and back to bed. it was good sleep and i needed it but it reminded me again about the title of this post. it's not that i hate sleeping alone 99 percent of the time. i move around a lot when i'm sleepy unless i'm exhausted or on ambien. lately though, especially during the rainstorms, i have come to detest not having Him home. well even more than normal. so i'm lying in bed and clutching my teddy bear and missing Him. all i want is Him to be there with me right then so we can laugh at the wind screeching, me snoring and Him not fitting on my bed the right way.

the spankings would be great but really i don't even miss those the way i was before. it's sorta like that craving has been stifled. instead i work, i shop, i workout now lol, and i come home. i bake, i watch tv, i avoid my dissertation and i sleep. i play games, i curse at bad drivers, i wish for peace so He can come home and sometimes when i have had entirely too much then i just sit still and cry. that's not fun but i usually feel better later. i write Him letters, i send Him boxes full of chocolate, i wax poetic about paddles and nipple clamps when i send Him new smut and then i kill a kitten and call it a day. my mind seems constantly jumbled and all i keep thinking is He won't be there to unjumble it or making fun of me or letting me climb in His lap and just relax with Him.

seven months ago i was ready to sleep alone indefinitely. now the thought of doing it till this time next year just sucks. no i don't know that is when He'll be home but this whole stop-gap thing or damn near immediate lengthy redeployments are not making me think He'll definitely be home to stay anytime soon. that sounds so sad i know. especially since i love Him and everything He's brought into my life. ah well, i'm just rambling now. i need to check on His paddle now.

see ya later
red

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