trying to find my way home

Monday, October 09, 2006
i can actually swear upon a stack of whatever religious text you like that this post will ROAM all over the universe. i'll tell you this up front. there are lyrics to Stephanie Mills Home at the end of the post. and right after that feel free to click on the little video window and listen to i never knew love like this before. good song, not what i was looking for lol but good song. okay shall we begin?

the end of my academic career is in sight and i am so tickled i can't even speak to it. my job may subsidize the whole trip in which case can we say tickled squared because i still need to make copies of my dissertation on the nice heavy weight paper and what not. not a huge expense but on top of being in town for a week and the flight and a car we're talking another expenditure that i'd rather just leave as small as possible. even though i might be able to use the grant i got and never put in for reimbursement for. good lord so much to do with that. but when it's all said and done i get to come back here and start my life as a nearly full fledged grown up. still gotta get licensed but hey whatever. for some reason i have yet to call this place home. i refer to my apartment when i say "i'm going home" but really i haven't felt centered enough to call any place "home" in years. that has intrigued and disturbed me but as of this moment i still don't have an answer as to why that is.

i went out to look at a house today with my mother. the hosue was in bad shape and was probably very pretty once upon a time but it just looks neglected and lonely now. it made me a little sad but the drive home raked my nerves. she is insufferable when it comes to "buying a house" as our only alterantive when we move out of this spot, and believe me we will be moving out of this hellhole, and anything else seems to annoy her. we have different ideas of what can be called home but at the same time, as i already mentioned, these places we live aren't home for me. for her it's a house or nothing and part of me just wants to pack up her crap and let her go wherever she wants. having a house just for the sake of having one makes no sense to me especially since i can't say for certain i want to stay here. and if i do find a house that i like and want to invest time in making my own is that unfair to Roaming Soldier and Littlest Soldier who were happily based several states away from here before they were separated?

well that brings me to the next thing. i love Him. in Him my heart has finally found a home. my heart knows as long as He's around it's safe and we are good together. however, my life post Middle East diversion, is all up in the air. we could stay here which i am sorta voting against because the tv here is all screwed up and the city itself is not conducive to my happiness. the good food is 30 minutes one direction as is the good shopping and the new cheap housing. my job is most assuredly 30 minutes the other direction. driving out of town is a required mountain trek and really that's just not attractive anymore. heading to His home base is another alternative except i am not all that fond of the city either. it's expensive, traffic is crazy and it's a bit on the crowded side. so that's two cities down and then what?

there's always let's find a mutually agreeable location solution. but do i really want the hassle of selling a house if that's the option we take? the most honest answer is HELL NO. but that isn't an acceptable reason to not buy the house to my mother. again why i'm even altering this much of my life is crazy but if i don't then i am being incredibly discourteous to the woman that raised me even though she is being equally discourteous and unreasonable. but even if we talk door number three there's this other issue that i have been aware of and may be why no place is ever really "home."

i was a military brat for the first decade of my life. we moved every two years no matter what or how i felt about it. for some reason it annoyed me when i was very young but i got the itch to move every few years since i reached adulthood. i don't get attached to places i sleep. i get attached to the people in them but not to the places our keys open at the end of the day. it protected me as a child from being split in two when we were forced away from everyone and everything i had come to know over that time period. my mother moved because she wanted to get further and further away from a certain segment of people (you fill in whatever blank you want to here) so even after my parents split i had ten different addresses between then and now if i used her as a home address. i've had three of my own and now i'm looking for the fourth. i don't think i'll call a spot home until He's in it with me in whichever city is blessed enough to have us.

part of that "home" will of course be Him physically with me to touch me, make me smile, and curl up with me at the end of the night. the other part will be something that has come up in a few posts on various blogs i read and on listservs prior to now. well it's a series of things so i'll start and again keep rambling. the first part is sort of like the whole chicken and the egg debate. which one came first and can we have one without the other? can we as submissives exist without our Doms and conversely can they exist without us? sure they can and we can. i mean we as individuals will keep breathing. but without that foil in our lives can we be true to who we are as individuals? i really have felt awakened and firing on all cylinders since i actively started seeking out the Dominance i was lacking in other relationships. it's rounded out my mindset in away i appreciate. was Roaming Soldier living His life quite happily without me? umm of course He was, Littlest Soldier is a treat and a half. have i added another layer to that happiness? by all reports yes. we can peacefully exist without that complimentary partner but life has been so much more interesting with Him around. as an extension of that, i know that i have been living under my rules for a while now but i do so because i choose to at the moment not because He's physically around to keep me on task. and while i like pain i am adverse to punishment lol. i can be a smartass, and i am when it's cute and flirty, i try to stop just short of being worried if i'll be able to sit on my ass the next day. this begs another question. when is it okay for us to "go there" with our Doms when the only real reason we are doing it is to get what we want IMMEDIATELY? i'm not talking about something that needs to be attended to like finances or the kids. i mean more like "damn i sure could go with a spanking right now." i know a lot of this will be determined by our Doms and what they will or won't tolerate. i guess i'm wondering because really i try to respect the boundaries we have established by the nature of the roles we play in the situation. now if He's wrong of course i'll be the first to share and then take my spanking like the trooper i am for not finding the politest way to tell Him He was wrong. i'm blunt to a fault so unless i take time to think about it that will most definitely create a spanking moment. what does any of this have to do with "home?" well it's sorta simple. our home is under His guidance and protection. that involves negotiating boundaries and rules comfortable for both of us and then both of us keeping our end of the bargain. as stressed as i am when i get home, i don't want to think about how to get my spanking lol and i know He won't always recognize when i need to be sent into subspace to release some tension but i don't want to get into bad habits of forcing His hand because one of those times i REALLY may not like the outcome. if i trust Him enough to submit to Him, shouldn't i also trust Him enough to learn my ebbs and flows and use me as He sees fit? ahh well i told y'all i was going to be rambling.

in a few months (not few as in two but few as in whenever He gets back we'll try to forget about this time), i hope to be able to tell you all somewhat more definitely that i am finally at home. i'll keep you posted.

love ya
red


When I think of home
I think of a resting place
A place where theres peace, quiet, and serenity
And thats where some of my friends have gone
Friends who have traveled with me through my wonderful experience in Oz
A journey Ill never forget

When I think of home, I think of a place
Wheres theres love overflowing
I wish I was home, I wish I was back there
With the things Ive been knowing

Wind that makes the tall grass bend into leaning
Suddenly the raindrops that fall they have a meaning
Sprinklin the scene
Makes it all clean

(When I think of home)
Maybe theres a chance for me to go back
Now that I have some direction
(Maybe theres a chance Ill get home)
It sure would be nice to be back at home
Where theres love and affection

And just maybe I can convince time to slow up
Givin me enough time, ooh, in my life to grow up
Time be my friend
And let me start again

Suddenly my worlds gone and change its fate
And I still know where Im going
I have had my mind spun round in space
And watched it growing

And oh, if youre listening, God, please dont make it hard
To know if we should believe the things that we see
Tell us should we try and stay or should we run away (Should we run away)
Or will it be better just to let things, let them be, oh

Livin here in this brand new world
Might be a fantasy
But its taught me to love, oh, yeah
And its real, its so real, its real to me

And Ive learned that we must look
Inside our hearts to find
A world full of love
Like yours, like mine

Like home
Like, like home
(When I think of home)
My friends smilin down on me
Givin me their energy, oh
(When I think of home)
I think of a peaceful world and joy
All around me, yeah
(When I think of home)
And love that we share can never
Never, ever be taken away from me, yeah, yeah, yeah
(When I think of home)
I just sit down and think
And gets on down in my bone, bone, yeah
(When I think of home)
I can hear my friends tellin me
Stephanie, please sing my song
I wanna sing, I wanna shout
I wanna tell you what its all about


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1 comment

  1. ~~I'm still reading, still here...

    (i think)..


    `x~Will.

    Always, take care.
    (wink*)

    ReplyDelete