well it's not quite Christmas yet but it's time for the annual reevaluation of life, love and all that is wonderful and all the crap that transpired this year. this will be like all the other evaluation posts i do--long winded and full of videos or music. this year was one for the record books as far as my life is concerned. i'm a few days shy of when my mother moved in and made me fall off the map with friends and family. she hadn't put a strain on my "relationship" with Emperor but then again she didn't have to. he was off exploring other avenues and i just hadn't quite picked up on that yet. i hear music that is perfectly fitting a situation more often than not well after the situation has passed. four songs come to mind now as i think of Emp and nope not one of them is a prince song lol. the first is bitter by chante moore--really just because of the line about i hate your dog, i won't elaborate beyond that lol. the next is hate me today by blue october--knowing the real meaning behind the words doesn't make me appreciate it any less than i did before. walk away by kelly clarkson because i mean really if you don't know what you want how can i help you? and finally justin timberlake's what goes around comes around. the link to hear it is below this section. it's a long song because a break down is included at the end of the song but really it's my favorite part of the song. the burning ache in my chest went away quickly thank God but he was part of the first two months of 06 for me and i was disappointed things happened they did.
but if i thought that would be the most eventful part of my year i was wrong. there was much more fighting to do with mom than i could imagine. trying to have a roommate after not sharing space with anyone from the age of 18 was a bit of an adjustment. she's a lovely woman and i know she means well but lord every now and then i wish i could just have some peace and quiet--like now--to get my thoughts together and not have to take care of anyone but me. so for mom a nod to her ringtone and marvin gaye.
she did derail my energy and motivation a bit from time to time which pissed off both myself and my dissertation chair to a certain degree. i hate not finishing things and it puts me in a bad mood to not get things done on my schedule. i had friends postpone about three graduation trips because of my own inability to get stuff taken care of when i should have. but as they say there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. "breaking up" with Emperor spurred a lot of work to get done and then just my own stubborness to get the monkey off my back caused me to stop screwing around and get things taken care of. thank heavens for that because now my life is my own again. this year, much like my time in undergrad showed me i had the balls to do whatever i needed. enjoy a bit of christina and join me in fighting lol.
work was work and it's one of those things that made me glad i had supportive people around me but reminded me about how different really i am from those folks around me. not just in the sense that i'm the only black woman on staff or i'm a bit younger than most of them. it's just a mindset thing--beyond needing to get spanked lol--that doesn't make me want to settle down here and set up shop. here's a video for you.
the biggest change this year was realization that it was time to get my life back into balance. i have been working at my job, on my dissertation, taking care of my mother and doing all that while holding my love life at bay. i think i lept at Emperor so gladly last year because it was my first foray back into having something that was good for me. regardless of how it turned out the cracks that were present were about there still not being enough of a balance. our needs never matched up enough for that relationship to come to any fruition. i had four walls to sleep in, a few dozen walls to work in but nothing to make my life a full experience for me.
as soon as my brain processed what i needed and what it was that i really wanted i was blessed with the most wonderful Man i have had the pleasure of knowing. i really can't muster up the words correctly so i am going to ask that you listen to tamia.
now when it comes to Roaming Soldier i was not expecting Him or His presence in my life this year. i periodically think i must be dreaming because after a few decades of dating and coming up with squat for it you start to get a little jaded about the whole experience. i mean i still had friends that were were inspiring me to keep hope alive but i wasn't looking very hard at that point. even though He's away and really i don't know when He'll be able to climb into bed with me and start working through the smutty collection with me He has been a total and complete Godsend that i am thankful for each night. press play and enjoy babyface.
the other thing that happened this year was me getting refocused on my responsibility to the rest of the world lol. nope i can't save it and nope i can't fix it for everyone around but i can do my part here and there. i will get back into my volunteer work and continue my sponsorship of my kid in the Phillipines. until they let me take over the world it's the least i could do.
i'm finally turning into that woman i wanted to be when i was itty bitty. i'm happy with my life and my love and my plans for the immediate future. there's no more confusion about why i'm not where i want to be. i know now if i'm not what i want to be it's mostly on me. i can be whomever i want and do whatever i want. i can be the soccer mom if the kids want to do that and still come home, put the corset on over the white t-shirt and and shake my ass in front of Him after we get the kids to bed. i'm a big girl like that lol.
okay i'm done looking back over the year. the rest of the songs will be random sappy happy songs because that's the place i'm in this year. i hope the year was good to all of you but if it wasn't that you have a much more blessed 2007. starting off the hit parade with beautiful loved and blessed.