i'm crowded, roll over

Tuesday, March 06, 2007
ok not really. no one is sleeping in my bed with me right now but the bears and my stuffed elephant. she's very comfy by the way lol. i use her as an extra pillow sometimes. umm that's all off tangent. i have really been missing my bed this last week. it's not normal i would like to go to sleep crap either. i have wanted to slip into mini comas every day since i got sick. i miss Him a lot. i know He's frustrated being gone at this point as well but i really miss Him. i have been just sluggish and that's not like me either. missing Him, wanting to stay in bed (preferably with Him) and just be a normal "annoying to the world around us" couple would be ever so wonderful right now.

off tangent. i've been fielding the "concerned girlfriend" calls again. this one wasn't annoying so i don't have to put a hit out on her but it brought something up that is just funny for me. i have always been (still am really) the calm, sensible friend. i give the good advice and have typically not managed my personal life like the rest of my friends. that is, i typically don't fall head over heels for anyone. even when my emotions have seemed to be running amok then i pulled back because who in the hell wants to be made a fool of when the feelings aren't requited. my last two relationships have coincided with my awakening lol. being understood, valued for the aspects of my persona that other men looked over, and let's face being comfortable for the first time in a while made the cautionary route a little less appealing. did it bite me in the ass the first time? yep but i don't regret that. for the heartache and drama it was a good learning experience. it taught me one of the most important relationship lessons i've ever had. almost isn't good enough. if there is a minor issue between you that's okay. if he likes his toast lightly buttered and you don't want any butter at all cool. but if his, or her, wants start diverging from yours so much that it's really only the spark keeping you together--almost isn't good enough. loving someone isn't enough if they don't love you back.

ok let's get back to the conversation. she was worried because i haven't taken my normal strolling through the park path toward Roaming Soldier. i have rushed forward for a change. i had the conversations i wanted to have when i wanted to have them and despite the fears that kept me from having them before with other folks, He didn't go running away in the other direction. yeah i was the cautious one because i knew the men i was allowing in my life weren't ready for me. i might insinuate some things but if he wasn't biting then i quit talking. i can't even blame them for it. my brain knew what my heart and body were unwilling to process. he's not ready, he's not right but you know your heart can press the issue from time to time. lots of relationships and no right man until now. yep my nice tall perfectly adorable kinky sadistic Roaming Soldier changed my whole train of thought and even the things they expected from me--that i would get married and would be birthing someone's babies--i can finally expect for myself because i know for once He's it. i can't explain it to them because it's hard to explain. a billion different things had to happen in order for us to even know the other existed (if you subscribe to this theory of physics one of my old profs had about life and the world--a billion different factors make each moment possible so there is no point in saying what could have happened because if it was meant then it would have--okay so he was crazy lol) and to be in the right places in our lives to receive the other person into our worlds. all i can say is thank heavens those billion things clicked into place.

that brings me back to now. i still wanna go to bed. i still wanna sleep for a while. i just want it to be with Him for the rest of my life. save those moments when i'm so swollen that i can't sleep with Him anywhere near me because He knocked me up again lol i never want Him to be away from me again. i'd much rather have the babies in bed with us and folks jockeying for room than i would ever want to be home alone (except those moments mommy takes a vacation) again. i'm crowded, roll over.

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