i started to write this post two weeks ago but i got sleepy and then went to visit my absolutely stunning and wonderfully intelligent almost eight week old niece. yes i know it's impossible to know she's going to be wonderfully intelligent but let auntie red dream big for a minute. okay anyhoo. i am just getting around to the post today. i contemplated saving it and doing a why i'm thankful post but that seems trite right now and it can wait till i'm no longer on call and can drink like a fish. okay so where was i? oh yes, the delay has just been one of those things with me as of late. things aren't getting done on a miraculous schedule but they are getting done. so here we go with what is sure to be a rambling post with likely little to no bdsm references so if you keep reading just know that you have been warned.
so to start with the title is way too long i know. but it makes sense in light of what is on my mind so bear with me. i know i've talked about it before here and others have elsewhere about the inherent contradictions there are in submission for some women, well for most women. even those who are submissive by nature still have their moments where they are fully in control of their lives and potentially the lives of others but at the end of the day they relinquish that control happily to someone else. if He were home i'd be one of those women. 8 to 5 life almost in total opposition the multitude of hours that surround it. no one that knows the strictly vanilla side of me would ever believe you if you sat down with them and said oh by the way red is a nice subbie girl who likes to get spanked. and honestly if i wasn't me i'd be right there in disbelief with them. i think this is why i have readily identified with women who seemed to be somewhat contradictory in presentation. women who are by all outward appearances very strong, in charge of their lives and sensuality/sexuality but seem to be waiting for something else or someone else to share the load with.
take the person who the cookie dough analogy originated with, buffy summers lol. i'm sure you are going what, isn't that buffy from buffy the vampire slayer? why yes it is. it was a random conversation toward the end of the show between buffy and angel. there is that inevitable moment whenever they are together that the tug starts up again and for a minute we can just hope they can figure out how to be really happy with each other without him going all crazy stalker vampire again. she just as easily could have said my job sucks and until it's over we can't be together to angel who as we know would still be smoking hot whenever that was lol but she didn't. instead she told him that she was still cookie dough and she wasn't done baking yet. she needed some time on her own before she could even daydream about angel with warm fuzzy thoughts again. it's a nice way to say i still have a load to carry that i'm not ready to share with you yet. instead he comes in and gives her the method to save herself and mostly everyone around her and leaves as he always does. and i can say that made me ache a little bit when i saw it because i could totally relate to being cookie dough because i didn't really understand why i never trusted the men around me to bake me as it were lol. i didn't trust them to appreciate the cookie dough that was me. instead i went about being very focused, very buffy-esque in my pursuit of me and only being half satisfied with it. to her credit, even when they have been thoroughly warped, sarah michelle gellar has played some pretty kick ass women on screen and has seemed to find someone that compliments her well privately. i love her and freddie together but please no more movies together. if you want to read the full quote scroll to the end of this post. thanks to Much Ado about Buffy the Vampire Slayer for having it up.
as i was prepping this i also thought about the mickey mouse club's former member now blond retro diva with the best pipes. i mean who else other than christina aguilera could have sung it's a man's world and done it immeasurable justice? i remember when christina and britney hit the airwaves and prayed for their quick demise from the pop world. i mean i really didn't need anymore sugary sweet blonds singing for me. especially when one couldn't sing. thankfully christina didn't go away, she evolved and got better writers and let her voice come through. stripped is one of my favorite albums ever and back to basics is equally lovely at times. she caught a lot of flack for that whole X-tina thing and i think she handled it well. yes she also dated a back up dancer but unlike the talent challenged peers that did the same coughjlocoughcoughbritneycough she didn't marry him or heaven forbid have babies with him. she moved on in private (thank heavens) mostly and found the man of her dreams, married him and with whom she is expecting (haven't heard if the kid came yet) her first child with. that's 1 marriage and 1 baby folks. i know i of all people shouldn't be sounding prudish but waiting until you are ready is such a wonderful thing. rebound marriages should be outlawed. but that's off tangent. she hasn't tried to become an actress, is putting out consistently good music and is well respected for her talent. yeah she is a cutie pie but she does that because she wants to not to mask her inadequacies in the studio. she's the vocal buffy equivalent but she also seems to have kept most of her private life private. she seems to happily be her husband's compliment even though in most circles no one knew his name before they said i do.
by no means am i saying that either of the women are submissive, i just see the contradiction in them that i see in lots of strong women who struggle to find that balance, the cookie baker if you will, for themselves. at the time it felt like i was being a traitor to the gender if i acknowledged the type of man i wanted in my life. that it somehow meant i had to do less in that day to day world if i wanted the right chef to come along and whip the dough into shape (pun fully intended). i struggled with that for years before i was ready to give up all the while finding the strength i saw in other women as empowering and kinda sexy lol. for much of the three decades i've been floating around the earth i've been cookie dough. i haven't completely lost my doughy consistency because there is no one here to pull me out of the oven when i'm nice and golden brown. but hopefully He will be soon and then He can tell you what kind of cookie i taste like (pun fully intended again).
beyond telling you what flavor of cookie i am i have decided some other things for 2008. i am not making resolutions this year. i never keep them unless the resolution is to ignore them. after my last bit of licensing stuff i am committed to a full out makeover of my mindset, my physical appearance and personal relationships. i am taking care of myself next year or i will die trying. i'm too young to be at my current weight. i'm too young to not be nurturing my friendships better and i'm entirely too young to not make sure everything is in good working order. i'll update you randomly about how that is going. hope you all are having a merry christmas, had a happy hanukkah, will have a happy kwanzaa and that something wonderful happens to you before your breaks are over.
Full Quote: "I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat— or enjoy warm, delicious cookie me, then... that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done."