always waiting

Tuesday, April 22, 2008 3 comments
that is what i've been doing for years now. waiting to be wanted, to be used and i am really really tired. for every step i take forward i feel like i have been slapped backwards four more. given the right circumstances that might not distress me but these are not the right circumstances. when do i get to have what i want?

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where oh where has little girl been

Tuesday, April 08, 2008 No comments
i don't have a good excuse for my absence. i cried the night of my last post and quite a few in between. i've been stressed and tired and horny and upset and for a week or so just in a funk. we haven't talked since last i wrote. and my mom is still reeling from grandma's death so that's a problem. i was tied up with some activities that were mildly distracting and completely exhausting. at the end of it though i can say that i'm happy i was there and could help out. but it's over and recovery mode has started and it's just another event that He wasn't here for. i have really stopped keeping track of them, especially while the event is occurring, and don't notice until the aftermath/recovery kicks in and i have no one to celebrate with. just me and my bed and my bears and mildly high blood pressure lol.

i haven't written letters or mailed most checks out for friendly things like i thought i would. i haven't even been keeping up with my favorite shows. people have asked if i'm depressed and i really am not, i'm just tired. i'm so over being lonely that i know that's not it either. i just don't have a lot to say. i know that when He can be home that He will. i know that He loves me and i do love Him. at the moment i guess i could say i'm just not eagerly anticipating His return. as each month has ticked by i've been disappointed by the lack of anything resembling a return home day. i try not to get upset about that either even though i'm not always successful with that.

so to answer my own question, i think i've been hiding out. my brain hasn't been able to process much beyond the basics and the basics truly aren't all that interesting. we'll see what happens now that it's somewhat back to firing on most of the cylinders i still have intact lol. see y'all later.

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