i'm sorry guys, i've been in my head a lot lately. this monday will mark the eighth anniversary of my father's death and this year i have been particularly off my game so to speak. i'm not sure if it's because i don't have any other major stressors going on right now or if it is because there is a lot happening that i would love his input and advice on. Daddy and i aren't rushing toward the altar but it will be happening soon enough and i will miss my dad terribly. i always imagined him tickling me with his beard one last good time before i was left in the arms of someone else. if that were to happen all phantom like now i'm sure i'd run screaming from the church for a few moments cause well yeah creepy. i've been wondering if my brother misses my dad now that he has his daughter. i mean my sister in law has her mother and my mother to ask for advice if she'd like by dad isn't there for him and well that just sucks. plus i think my niece would love him as he chased her around and told her African fairy tales and fables like he told us when we were her size. this time of the year is always hard, we've got the anniversary followed a few short days by my brother's birthday, my father's birthday, and then father's day. it hasn't been this hard in a while though and i'm not sure what to make of it like i mentioned earlier. all is well and truthfully mom isn't bugging me nearly as much as normal so yeah for her. in other sad news two people i know, older women, have died recently and it made me kinda lonely. in some ways, even though i could say i hardly knew them well, they were more of what i daydreamed my mother would be like when i was under the misguided notion that you could change people all willy nilly. it made me look at my own relationship with my mom and i'm not always as patient as i could because i still feel cheated on some level. she spent mother's day mostly tipsy because she was missing her mom who died last year. i took care of her as best as i could but i realized then we'd never have the relationship either of us wanted no matter how calm things got between us. i'd never be as close to her as she was to her mother and there was no getting around that. as depressing as that sounds it was sort of a peace making moment in my head. we'd love each other the way we knew how and just keep it moving. me being somewhat tired helped i'm sure but i have to deal with my grown up life just like everyone else. i'll be working on that physician heal thyself (in my case therapist heal thyself) thing and can someone PLEASE get me motivated to shop that book around damn it.