i'm not sure how long this post will be or if i'll even finish it right now. something came up this morning as a result of other things that had just been festering in my head. i am a worrier. i worry about money, i worry about my mother, i worry about my family, i worry about myself and my relationships. nothing super productive comes from it most times but every now and then i can convince myself that it does. i'm also a rambler so if you want cohesion of thought try one of the older smutty pieces.
i have been trying to ease up the worry a bit with Daddy in one regard by trying to stop Him from being everyone's superhero. Problem with that is He kinda likes that role and because of me it was causing Him a great deal of unnecessary stress. be it my occupational choice or my inherent nature but stress reduction on all fronts is my normal plan. that wasn't helpeful in this case and thus nothing was beneficial from the suggestion. He doesn't want me to worry about Him and the stress He brings upon Himself but can't actually do that so we'll need to come up with a plan b in that case. however, i apologized for my attempt to make His life easier this morning and i think we came to some sort of understanding there but the bigger issue in all of that really was--my underlying insecurity that i am not enough.
those of you still reading the blog know that through it's incarnation there have been three relationships chronicled here. for those of you that are reading and know me in real life you know that there have been plenty of failed relationships before those mentioned here. ones that ended because they decide to marry someone else. ones that have ended technically but at least one party (umm not me) forgets that and makes inappropriate suggestions from time to time. all of the endings left me wondering why i wasn't enough or didn't deserve what i was giving back in return.
so i look at Daddy now and i don't understand. and when i say that i really mean i don't understand why i'm enough. i mean i can be a royal pain in the ass in between my perfectly adorable moments. i have heard Him say it, shout it, damn near growl it to me that yes i was enough but any little thing--and it's always something little normally--can set the wheels to spinning and i'm a big old emotional mess. i am going to attempt to believe Him now instead of just hearing it cause He's right i don't seem to have ingested that to this point.
i realize i'm still growing in my submission and we're still growing in this relatively new relationship. our ways of doing things, no matter how much we have in common, just really aren't all that much alike. be it because we are different genders, grew up in different types of households or because of the roles we have with one another. those moments frustrate me but i can't prevent them i just need to learn to roll with them better because at the end of the day---no matter how cranky He might have made me, He's still what and who i want to be there every morning when i wake up. all right i think i've purged enough and you got more than one post this month ha ha.
Thursday, May 14, 2009 No comments
i'm sorry guys, i've been in my head a lot lately. this monday will mark the eighth anniversary of my father's death and this year i have been particularly off my game so to speak. i'm not sure if it's because i don't have any other major stressors going on right now or if it is because there is a lot happening that i would love his input and advice on. Daddy and i aren't rushing toward the altar but it will be happening soon enough and i will miss my dad terribly. i always imagined him tickling me with his beard one last good time before i was left in the arms of someone else. if that were to happen all phantom like now i'm sure i'd run screaming from the church for a few moments cause well yeah creepy. i've been wondering if my brother misses my dad now that he has his daughter. i mean my sister in law has her mother and my mother to ask for advice if she'd like by dad isn't there for him and well that just sucks. plus i think my niece would love him as he chased her around and told her African fairy tales and fables like he told us when we were her size. this time of the year is always hard, we've got the anniversary followed a few short days by my brother's birthday, my father's birthday, and then father's day. it hasn't been this hard in a while though and i'm not sure what to make of it like i mentioned earlier. all is well and truthfully mom isn't bugging me nearly as much as normal so yeah for her. in other sad news two people i know, older women, have died recently and it made me kinda lonely. in some ways, even though i could say i hardly knew them well, they were more of what i daydreamed my mother would be like when i was under the misguided notion that you could change people all willy nilly. it made me look at my own relationship with my mom and i'm not always as patient as i could because i still feel cheated on some level. she spent mother's day mostly tipsy because she was missing her mom who died last year. i took care of her as best as i could but i realized then we'd never have the relationship either of us wanted no matter how calm things got between us. i'd never be as close to her as she was to her mother and there was no getting around that. as depressing as that sounds it was sort of a peace making moment in my head. we'd love each other the way we knew how and just keep it moving. me being somewhat tired helped i'm sure but i have to deal with my grown up life just like everyone else. i'll be working on that physician heal thyself (in my case therapist heal thyself) thing and can someone PLEASE get me motivated to shop that book around damn it.