Have you ever?

Sunday, October 17, 2010 1 comment
It's been another one of those moments when i meant to write but a ton of things have been distracting me. Things at work are chaotic at best. Always more stuff to do, never enough people to do them and it's making me very tired. i adore most of the people i work with but i know it's starting to take a toll on me because there has been just one thing after another for the last year. Something else major just happened and not sure how that is going to sort out by the time it's all done.

On a personal front, i know i'm just not happy right now. i probably haven't been terribly happy in a while but i'm frustrated and aggravated and irritated and there isn't much i can do about it right now. Unless, by some random and totally unexpected act of God, my mother wins a HUGE jackpot lottery (she'd run through anything under 10 million so fast it would be sad) then she's always going to be with me. That wouldn't be so bad if she was remotely stable or sane. Her random tantrums and health are starting to comingle more. Anything she doesn't want to do sets off a headache or cold or generally moody spell that isn't easily broken. Of course, pointing this out to her gets me yelled at and fussed at and pissed off because she can't listen to anything that disagrees with her or her view of the world narrow though it may be.

As for things with Daddy, well we've had issues before where neither of us talks for prolonged periods of time and issues with our schedules being off. If we were working different schedules i think i could accept it easier but that's not the case. i'm going to sleep by myself a lot again and that annoys me. He's so distracted a lot of the time we're both awake it's time i want for us that i don't routinely get. What continues to perplex me is outside of this space we tend to get along great. We joke and laugh and are affectionate but in the confines of this house it's like all the other pressures we have to deal with just flatten us a bit. Totally not fun since we can't spend 24 hours a day outside of the house. There isn't much i can do to help with some of His stuff but that doesn't make me feel better either. Not to mention that the last go round with the doctor racked up almost a grand in bills even after insurance kicked in what they were going to kick in so i have to work out payment plans with them after just getting out of that crap last month from the last set of tests last year. On the upside the medicine seems to be helping. On the downside---really we had to go through all of that again just to get it when i told the stupid doctor none of the stuff he was looking at was the issue.

i want some semblance of my nice normal life back and i don't think i'm going to get it anytime soon and that is wearing on me more than i probably admit to myself on a daily basis. There is no where to escape to right now except to see the brother and i don't want to take my stress and leave it on his doorstep especially since i'd have to babysit mom and her wonky sister in law disliking behavior while i was there. i want sweets. i should go bake.

see ya,
red

edit----> It occurred to me in the hour or so since i posted that i was whining with no resolution and i hate that lol. i can't do much about the work situation short of finding a new job and i will admit to being terrified that my health wouldn't hold or that in this economy i would be downsized shortly after taking the new job. being broke and sick and on expensive medication soooooooo not attractive especially with the all the stuff that is yet to resolve itself with His marriage and family.

i love my mother i do and i know it has to be hard on her to have to be dependent on me for a lot of things. However, the way she acts just irks the piss out of me a lot. i don't expect her to change i just wish she could see anyone else's point of view from time to time. And now that she's so annoyed with my sister in law she refuses to go visit them for any length of time so the month or two off i used to get each year is now a thing of the past. i can't blurt out mom won't come because she hates you BUT i'm sure my sister in law knows mom is batshit crazy sometimes and that doesn't make her feel good. i so wish when parents became in laws they could remember the way their in laws made them feel and do their damnedest to not repeat that cycle.

As for Daddy, i do love Him but we aren't connecting lately. He hears me when i tell Him what i need but as for getting it that ebbs and flows with His stress level and He doesn't want to tell me because, wait for it, it will stress me out too. But then i don't know what's up or how to help and that just sends me inside my head. i don't know what else to say but it's getting super frustrating. ok this one i have nothing for at all. i need help y'all.

edit again--> oh and doh, what i meant to say in the first place is i wish that the pieces of my life that need me for whatever worked better together. i love them all and want all of them to be happy but short of the few nights we've all played wii together i'm juggling being His little girl and her daughter and honestly she doesn't want to share or have to deal with Him much if she can avoid it. i'm thinking about going to a conference early next year and i seriously have to think about what to do so that they won't be stuck here together as i will hear nothing but complaining and how sick she has gotten in the three days i would be out of the house. Again i need help.

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Life as we know it

Sunday, September 19, 2010 No comments
Woot two posts in the same month, get out of town. i think the last time i posted i was in the middle of another round of testing. The doctor has eliminated another round of things that i didn't think it would be and i am on the last day of another test diet that will hopefully lead to him giving me the medication i wanted when i went in to the office in the first place. It's been nearly a month but i had to do all of these tests BEFORE he would do anything else. i'm hoping that it will ease up on my stomach today because i have a full day of clients the next few days that i have no desire to miss.

Other than that things are going okay. Mom is likely headed out for the niece's birthday soon even though she's not thrilled i don't want to go with her. That whole work thing seems to escape her. i am still baking and cooking which helps with the stomach issues a bit but it's totally unpredictable so it's never a fun time with that. oh well back to playing on the net. Just wanted to let you all know what was going on and that yes i was still ok. Will try to be back with actually interesting news soon.

see ya
red

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There's a whole generation that....

Saturday, September 11, 2010 No comments
First let me apologize for not posting in the last month. Been a little sick again and no matter what my brain thinks it doesn't leak onto the template from my synapses. So i'll try to work on that again so i'm not MIA so often. Anyhoo, the summer is over, and work is back into full swing. i love it but man we need more bodies to do this work as soon as we can find them.

Anyway, i've been thinking about something after talking to a few young people. This only came up because the last major of the tennis season is happening now and i absolutely LOVE tennis. i was mentioning this to someone in their early 20s who also knew enough about tennis to follow the conversation and said she loved when the players grunted. In my totally nerdy way i shared that there was a point in time, basically pre Monica Seles, that doing that on court was considered incredibly rude and could actually get you warned or have points taken away. That's when it hit me. There is a whole generation that just thought grunting was normal and to be expected. These folks would probably also never have known a moment that you were expected to wear all white at Wimbledon (woot shout out to to my ex hubby Andre Agassi for changing that lol) or when there was no shot spot. Now those are pretty major things in tennis but that also means there are hosts of other things that they never knew about or just grew up with so it's nothing new to them. i mean do you all remember when instant messaging hit the net for us regular mortals? Productivity had to fall in half lol.

So i had to write this post because i wanted to get that out and allow other people to share their random generation gaps that are interesting to them. So for those of you still reading have at it lol. i'll be back before the month is over i promise.

P.S. this post is silly and not focused on 9/11. i am sorry if that offends anyone and it is not meant to disrespect those who died in that tragedy and since then because of exposure. we are stronger and will survive any and all threats but we have to embrace the joy that is around us while it's there as well.

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Thank heavens for small favors

Saturday, August 14, 2010 2 comments
i haven't posted in a while. i meant to but yeah brain fart. plus i was on call with work and was just glad to get to sleep sometimes. it's been busy and productive and stuff at work is kinda chaotic but we'll get through it like we always do. Things at home have been interesting as well. my mother's family acted so crazy she was actually HAPPY to come home and has been rather agreeable since she's been home. we've been playing the bowling game on the Wii and she's been kicking my cute little patootie. Is that spelled right? Doesn't matter, she's been beating me and Daddy quite easily. Today we cleaned up my closet--Daddy and i that is, which was long overdue but rather weird as well because mid clean mom came in and saw one of my cutie girl aprons and actually was nice enough to not ask too many questions because yeah really didn't want to explain that. ahh well nothing else major is going on. just wanted to check in.

see ya soon
red

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Random Thoughts

Saturday, July 24, 2010 No comments
This probably won't be very long. i realized a few days ago that i have had one of my sponsored kids since December of 2005. it hadn't really occurred to me because i get the pictures they send every year but i look and go aww and then don't track it on a day to day basis. Mom and i adopted a few more about two years ago but the oldest one will be aging out of the program in a few more years. i'm not sure if we'll find another kid to sponsor at that stage but right now that is making me kind of sad too. only one of the others is about his age, were was about his age, when we started sponsoring him. The two girls we won't have as long either cause they were older when started sponsoring them. If you can afford it and are interested there are great programs out there. We sponsor through Children International and they are great about allowing communication and all manner of things.

Now i'm going to turn back to the stupid tv that i've been watching because AT&T suddenly added the We network to our lineup and the horror that is bridezillas is on.

see ya
red

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What i am is what i am

Sunday, July 11, 2010 1 comment
This post is random so don't be terribly surprised by it. i realized something today. i am unusual in a lot of respects. The things i like, the people i admire, the quirks that are all mine wouldn't make sense to anyone else if they were all placed out there for the world to observe. i love Prince (his old symbol name thing is one of my four tattoos)but i also can rock out to everything from Queen to Jill Scott to Pink to Eminem to Christina to T.I. to George Michael to Luther. my zune has nearly 6000 songs on it and i swear you would think i had musical ADD if you looked through it. And i'm perfectly okay with that. i loved old Anne Rice but hate the Twilight books. Give me an E. Lynn novel but please keep anything Tyler Perry touches away from me. i think i secretly lust to be yelled at by Gordon Ramsey and short of the massive windfall being on Oprah could bring i do believe i'd run if she (or Jerry Springer) ever called my house.

i'm amazed by people's reactions to the famous folks that suck up so much media attention. There is rarely any middle ground, either love them or hate them. Most of the ones people love i find bland and the ones they tend to hate i practically adore. When people got cranky with Christina for finding more than a genie to rub her bottle i giggled and applauded her for taking control of her life and her image. Can't bump too much of the genie phase but she's become one of my favs since the Stripped album. When the world got up in arms about Angelina and Brad and how dare they do that to Jen, i revisited what i knew of the uber couple before the split. Brad had actually just gotten cute to me so i had be keeping tabs on his interviews and what kept coming up was how much the man wanted babies and how much Jen was focused on her career based on her stellar movie choices during that time period lol. Now i'm not saying she should have dropped everything and popped out kids but it became more apparent that was a want and when people can't get what they want from their relationship it becomes problematic to keep it together. Was i super surprised that Brad and Angelina hooked up? Well yeah. She was in happy new mommy phase and seemed to be ok without a stupid male attachment in her life. Watching them in Mr. & Mrs. Smith you could see them connecting and as i mentioned before bad relationship plus sexy strong mother oriented woman equals bad news for current partner. Call her what you want, blame her if you need to and harangue him for leaving the wonderful wife he had but Brad and Angelina seem happy and the kids seem to be doing well and that's all that matters. Yeah for her for having a good family and good relationship and doing good in the world elsewhere.

i think i can relate to both of them for different reasons and while i really may not ever make a bit of sense to anyone else i am enjoying being comfy in my own skin again. i can periodically doubt myself because i don't fit any one mold but who really wants to blend in that much. oh well just wanted to share, i'm gonna finish watching Dateline now lol.

see ya
red

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Happy Fourth Everyone

Sunday, July 04, 2010 1 comment
Hope that you are having a good holiday and that at least some of you get the day off tomorrow. i do so yeah for me. And when i go back to work on Tuesday i get to leave early so yeah again for me. Things are interesting around here lately. The only plants that survived the heat are mom's tomatoes but i'll try again next year. Speaking of mom, she went to visit the grandkids (hers that is lol) and it wasn't a total disaster which is great. She actually even pulled out the camera to take pictures of them with her instead of running from the camera like normal.

i got an anniversary book from my sorority which made me remember why i worked so hard to get into it in the first place. so next sorority year--which only tangentially coincide with real years lol--i think i'll go back and work it out. this last year i wanted a break from foolishness and i can't promise there still won't be drama but i should at least give it a shot.

other than that not a lot going on. my stomach is more under control with new meds. well more of the old meds really so if that keeps working i'll cancel my appointment with the gastro and hope for the best. back to cartoon watching ladies and gents even though according to the stats no one is coming by anyway lol.

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We'll break for station identification

Wednesday, June 16, 2010 No comments
Well that wasn't the plan and i do apologize. The last post i made was shortly after the anniversary of my father's death and i kinda went into a funk after that. Especially since he died a few weeks shy of his birthday so that always comes fresh on the tail of deal with the first anniversary. i just got tired and bored for the most part. The herb garden did not take flight but it wasn't totally my fault lol. Daddy was trying to help by watering the starter soil pack. What i think He didn't know was that the container would hold water so you needed to pour off what was sitting there. I think most of the seeds just gave up in the face of all that water but we'll try again later. At least it was a project we tried together. i went on a cooking and baking spree after that and made a bunch of dinners for the two of us--since mom is visiting my brother--and then made some great white chocolate cupcakes and peanut butter cookies and rice crispy treats that we actually haven't touched but the cupcakes and cookies are both nearly gone. Nothing much else to tell you really. Be back soon i promise.

red

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One potato, two potato

Saturday, May 22, 2010 1 comment
Not a lot going on today. Apparently, i overfertilized my callas so i have had to start over with new plants. Still haven't gotten around to the herbs so i need to do that at some point today too. Mom is flying off to see the grandbabies and my brother soon too. Oh i probably didn't share that with my intermittent updates. Cute little girl number two came earlier this year and is just as adorable as her older sister who is talking up a storm even though i have not a clue what she is saying half the time. Not sure if that means i'll get all super domestic or if it means i'll just go thank you Lord i have control over my schedule and life for a brief shining moment in time. Ahh well, off to planting. See ya later, red.

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It's so Quiet over here

Saturday, May 15, 2010 No comments
i guess i should expect that. i haven't exactly been posting up a storm over the last year. nothing much is happening this weekend. at some point before it's over i'm going to plant my herb garden and hopefully get to drag my calla lilies outside to get some sun this afternoon cause they are looking a little pitiful in the garage. just got through cooking dinner and quickly assembling a clothes steamer for my mother and then had to explain how to do that to my extra silly aunt who is even less mechanically inclined than my mother. i should probably let the lasagna set and then gobble it down, maybe i'll make some cookies too. ummm cookies.

see ya
red

oh p.s. not that you need the welcome page but it's up and functional now as is the more important blogroll page. if you want to be added just let me know.

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i swear that was the last break

Sunday, May 09, 2010 No comments
red's life has been a big old jumble of things lately, and not remotely consistent on any level. i'm playing around on different sites and that keeps me busy. i'm also pseudo blogging there too and not massively but i figured i could at least update this blog at the same time i update the other one. i've been hunting for a new template for a couple of months now. i was tired of the formatting being off and honestly i'm not feeling all the red anymore. i have entered a retro phase of my life and while i haven't adopted a new moniker i am much more identifying as a Kinky Klaire 1950ish housewife than i am just red. i may end up changing the blog title to that but for now we're still getting inside of red's brain so the title seems apropos.

the pinup-y feel i can't take credit for entirely. i found a template i liked (which is you want to see the original click on the TNB at the very bottom of the page and look for pinup) and then had to tweak it because well i'm red and i wanted to look at brown girls in pinup clothes and then found someone nice enough to let me use their images and voila i got what i wanted. some of what i talk to will start to center around the mixed life of bdsm Daddy and i have come to acquire and also about random things like normal.

everything is not back into place yet and i apologize for that but the blog roll will be updated soon and if you want to be added please let me know. i'm actually going to visit a lot of the old sites to see who's still up and running and update links for those that i know have found new homes under new monikers/addresses. if you love or hate the redesign let me know. probably won't change it anytime soon but it will still be good to hear from you. i have missed everyone.

happy mother's day to all of you that are raising the world's future (or have done so already)

see ya,
red

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i know i know

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 No comments
i keep disappearing. don't mean to. just way too much going on these days. for right now i'm moving the blog back to being hosted solely on blogger since they are ceasing FTP support. i plan on talking over what to do with it with Him in the next few days. Feels like it's time for an overall and I just haven't been able to find the right collection of things yet to make me go there's the new Velvet Rope. If anyone is bored enough and wants to design one for me just let me know and i will at least look at what you put together. Have a good day wherever you are.

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