Have you ever?

Sunday, October 17, 2010 1 comment
It's been another one of those moments when i meant to write but a ton of things have been distracting me. Things at work are chaotic at best. Always more stuff to do, never enough people to do them and it's making me very tired. i adore most of the people i work with but i know it's starting to take a toll on me because there has been just one thing after another for the last year. Something else major just happened and not sure how that is going to sort out by the time it's all done.

On a personal front, i know i'm just not happy right now. i probably haven't been terribly happy in a while but i'm frustrated and aggravated and irritated and there isn't much i can do about it right now. Unless, by some random and totally unexpected act of God, my mother wins a HUGE jackpot lottery (she'd run through anything under 10 million so fast it would be sad) then she's always going to be with me. That wouldn't be so bad if she was remotely stable or sane. Her random tantrums and health are starting to comingle more. Anything she doesn't want to do sets off a headache or cold or generally moody spell that isn't easily broken. Of course, pointing this out to her gets me yelled at and fussed at and pissed off because she can't listen to anything that disagrees with her or her view of the world narrow though it may be.

As for things with Daddy, well we've had issues before where neither of us talks for prolonged periods of time and issues with our schedules being off. If we were working different schedules i think i could accept it easier but that's not the case. i'm going to sleep by myself a lot again and that annoys me. He's so distracted a lot of the time we're both awake it's time i want for us that i don't routinely get. What continues to perplex me is outside of this space we tend to get along great. We joke and laugh and are affectionate but in the confines of this house it's like all the other pressures we have to deal with just flatten us a bit. Totally not fun since we can't spend 24 hours a day outside of the house. There isn't much i can do to help with some of His stuff but that doesn't make me feel better either. Not to mention that the last go round with the doctor racked up almost a grand in bills even after insurance kicked in what they were going to kick in so i have to work out payment plans with them after just getting out of that crap last month from the last set of tests last year. On the upside the medicine seems to be helping. On the downside---really we had to go through all of that again just to get it when i told the stupid doctor none of the stuff he was looking at was the issue.

i want some semblance of my nice normal life back and i don't think i'm going to get it anytime soon and that is wearing on me more than i probably admit to myself on a daily basis. There is no where to escape to right now except to see the brother and i don't want to take my stress and leave it on his doorstep especially since i'd have to babysit mom and her wonky sister in law disliking behavior while i was there. i want sweets. i should go bake.

see ya,
red

edit----> It occurred to me in the hour or so since i posted that i was whining with no resolution and i hate that lol. i can't do much about the work situation short of finding a new job and i will admit to being terrified that my health wouldn't hold or that in this economy i would be downsized shortly after taking the new job. being broke and sick and on expensive medication soooooooo not attractive especially with the all the stuff that is yet to resolve itself with His marriage and family.

i love my mother i do and i know it has to be hard on her to have to be dependent on me for a lot of things. However, the way she acts just irks the piss out of me a lot. i don't expect her to change i just wish she could see anyone else's point of view from time to time. And now that she's so annoyed with my sister in law she refuses to go visit them for any length of time so the month or two off i used to get each year is now a thing of the past. i can't blurt out mom won't come because she hates you BUT i'm sure my sister in law knows mom is batshit crazy sometimes and that doesn't make her feel good. i so wish when parents became in laws they could remember the way their in laws made them feel and do their damnedest to not repeat that cycle.

As for Daddy, i do love Him but we aren't connecting lately. He hears me when i tell Him what i need but as for getting it that ebbs and flows with His stress level and He doesn't want to tell me because, wait for it, it will stress me out too. But then i don't know what's up or how to help and that just sends me inside my head. i don't know what else to say but it's getting super frustrating. ok this one i have nothing for at all. i need help y'all.

edit again--> oh and doh, what i meant to say in the first place is i wish that the pieces of my life that need me for whatever worked better together. i love them all and want all of them to be happy but short of the few nights we've all played wii together i'm juggling being His little girl and her daughter and honestly she doesn't want to share or have to deal with Him much if she can avoid it. i'm thinking about going to a conference early next year and i seriously have to think about what to do so that they won't be stuck here together as i will hear nothing but complaining and how sick she has gotten in the three days i would be out of the house. Again i need help.

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