Okay so dilemmas

Friday, November 25, 2011 No comments
Not really dilemmas, i'm just trying to decide what to do with this blog. Our relationship is awfully vanilla and He's not here. i'm still working on getting the book published but i'm sure you would hear about that eventually blog or no blog. Might be harder to pass it on but you all like your smut lol and you're clamoring over those last four stories. i hate coming here just to vent cause that doesn't seem fair to anyone reading. and i kinda wanna do a retro vintage housewife thing if i could EVER actually become a housewife. ok i really don't want that, i'd shoot myself eventually. i've been home for the last two days and i'm thinking damn i have crap to do save mow the lawn and i'm still not in a rush to do that. i should work out but that doesn't seem fun right now either lol.



This is the duck i made for dinner, was delicious but now i don't want it anymore lol. i woke up not wanting anything i cooked yesterday. But i kinda wanna share stuff like that too. How my weight loss is going, my healthy hair journey and the like with photos of yours truly as i move from one phase to the next but that would be breaking a long standing tradition here because of the prior content and current profession and private life. ahh well i'll keep thinking on it. hope everyone had a great holiday and a good time shopping if you went out today.

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By Leaps & Bounds

Monday, November 21, 2011 1 comment
i'm not superman but my brain has taken flight this evening. i hate Mondays, i tend to feel the worst getting my body geared up on Mondays. Hasn't mattered what is happening the days after or the days before me and Mondays fight. Today was no different, i felt funky last night, felt like crap this morning and almost didn't make it to my office but i had crisis coverage so like normal i drug my pain riddled butt to the office. for the most part it was a mild mannered day. one crisis, justified totally in coming in and it wasn't very long. i was looking for something that sounded kinda stupid and that led on my random train of thought phase and led to me looking up emp to see if he was still blogging or if his site was still up. to some degree it is, much like this one, even though i'll say i stop in more and to me ramble less but that is really off tangent. i scrolled through a few posts was simultaneously pleased and disappointed that i didn't seem to be mentioned and that led to me wondering when exactly he came into my world and when all that stuff imploded. The implosion appears to have been in early 2006 which means he arrived the year before which is really hard to even remember now but what can ya do. We don't always remember relationships in detail, just what can go terribly terribly wrong.

i know it was early 2006 because that's when the emails between Roaming Soldier and myself began. Not immediately but within a few months. And from early 2006 until late 2008, He had my attention and my heart. i had the same to a point but the situation being what it was He wasn't totally available in a different way than emp chose to be. Nevertheless, and without the same kind of trauma, that ended too.

Daddy had been waiting sort of for me to decide what i was going to do with RS and we started dating after that came to an end. Nearly three years later and He's still in my life but He's not here right now. He's away and we don't have a remote return date in mind. i've been going back and forth with feeling okay about that to wanting to punch Him in the head for making me wait for all of this to resolve itself. But then something came to me today as an old man, old white gentleman to be precise, aggressively hit on me as i was trying to grab some groceries and get home. i'm shopping alone and going home alone because i have perpetually chosen to wait for men to find me worthy. Does the title make more sense now? i know it's not a leap that is completely realistic but it's how i was FEELING at the time--still am. i'm single, by all legal definitions, and childless because i keep waiting for them to say that they love me and are never going to leave me. i want to be chosen in a different way than i have been thus far and i keep waiting.

And today that waiting and that aggressive old man who i think will likely be stalking me for a few weeks just pissed me off. It was made worse by Him not picking up when i called because to me, and again when you're mad you're not being totally rational, but when He calls--unless i CAN'T take the call, i always pick up. And there are very few times i can't take the call. i'm irritated. i'm cranky, lonely, and feeling quite stupid right now. Do i want the attention of a random old man? Of course not, but it would be nice to get some undivided attention and feel like the waiting wasn't pointless. Because let's face it two of the three mentioned are in the wind and i haven't heard from either in Lord only knows when.

He's gonna say i'm being unfair and i probably am. i'll cop to it, i probably am being unfair but i'm tired and i'm as i mentioned before PISSED. i just want to cuddle and complain about my ankles swelling while i cut Him the evil eye and tell my mother to go to hell if she keeps fucking with AC. i'm really tired.

on a positive note, i got a KitchenAid mixer for a fantastic deal, used it, love it and also managed to find just a gallon of peanut oil which is usually enough to fill the counter top fryer so fried turkey breast and duck it is for me. and me alone since no one is here with me.

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red is green

Wednesday, October 26, 2011 No comments
well i'm not blue at this stage. i'm not bright and sunny yellow but i'm feeling a lot better than i did when i wrote the post yesterday. we had a long talk and still not thrilled but sorta like the last time He left, a wave of this is just where we are hit me last night as we talked. we slept pretty well and had a decent "i'll see ya later" this morning--He doesn't like saying good bye in these situations lol. i managed to make it through the day with minimal tears--just a smidgen when i was walking to the car this morning to head to work. it's hard being in bed by myself don't get me wrong, but He did His best to reassure me that things would be okay. and i came home to find a present in bed. Daddy Bear is laying on His side of the bed. He doesn't give off heat and he can't hug but it's a cute gesture all the same. i'm going to try to nurture the bit of hope and faith that exists in my body and reinforce our home on this end and try to wait patiently for His return. as for now, gotta decide if i'm gonna sit under the dryer or hope my hair is dry in the morning. i hate the dryer so i'm probably just gonna pray about it and hope i don't have to flat iron in the morning. i didn't want to lose the routine just because i'm a little upset so i should go work out a bit before i get in bed too. see ya all later

red

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red is blue

Tuesday, October 25, 2011 No comments
i've been trying not to come here and vent for the last few months. Because while some things are going great other things, the most important things to me, feel like crap. i've been doing a lot more to take care of myself and i can say that is because of His urging to some degree. i'm on regular vitamins, i've cut out a lot of the juice i consumed in favor of crystal light and fruitables (if you haven't had any, check them out, they are great), i've been more active with my workouts and i've taken a more genuine interest in taking care of my hair. that may sound silly but it's hard to make it healthy and grow if you are ignoring it all the damn time. since the last time i wrote, it's starting to thicken back up and is growing, bouncy and shiny--when i'm on my routine. it's not as shiny when i'm not lol but it's still bouncy and growing. on that front i'm in a good place but it's all been just covering up the explosion i must have been sitting on emotionally.

He's leaving again. Tomorrow morning, He's taking some unknown to me as of yet amount of His things with Him and is heading to where His ex is. Why you may ask? Are things with us on the outs? Not really, up until a few weeks ago even though this was a possibility we were doing pretty well. Enjoying the house to ourselves because mom is gone, cooking and hanging out together--good times. Even had a class planned to take together that He will now not be here for. if i go, it will be solo and right now i just really don't want to go at all. but due to something she initiated years ago the timeline got screwed up on His plan and due to her increasingly ill health and inability to do what He wants done with His kids, He's leaving our house again. This time for who knows how long. He has stressed to me though that He plans to return and i should just have faith in that plan. however, plans when it comes to her are never easily completed and i am tired of waiting for the issues with her to be resolved. it makes me sound cold, it makes me feel that way but i don't like her or the perpetual things we've had to put on hold because of her. He says i'm fixated on her and truthfully i don't think about her as much as i can but when this keeps happening it's hard not to look at what i see to be the truth in the situation and that all of our separations are because of her inability to be a grown up. He leaves to take care of the kids but it's because she can't/won't. He left to help her move because her family sucks and wouldn't.

if i am lucky He'll be back in six months. i don't anticipate being lucky. i anticipate this dragging on and me laying in what used to be our bed that i'm in alone wondering how much longer i can hold on. i anticipate hurting and i anticipate being angry that yet again our life is moving in slow motion. i want to be super supportive girl but she's pissed off too. how do you support something that is so fundamentally causing you distress? if someone knows feel free to share.

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off the rails

Thursday, July 28, 2011 1 comment
i'm sitting here and i'm trying to decide what to do with all the chaos in my brain right now. i've been meaning to post for a while. i've started doing more to take care of myself inside and out and have been excited about that. i need to get on the workout kick but that is slightly interfering with my hair growth kick so i'm trying to figure out a way to balance that easier. maybe i can find that article about working out and not damaging your hair that i saw but didn't have time to read.

so much is going on in the world that i'm just sad about the state of humanity. Tuesday alone i read so much bad news that i was almost wishing the Mayans were right and that we were all gonna disappear next year. we are so hateful to each other and so violent. amy winehouse died which is so beyond tragic. i'm not sure she was meant to be here longer than she was but all that potential and fire that we saw five years ago is just out like a light. and people keep saying well she refused to get help and she did for a while but she had been trying to get better it just seems like it was too late. i wish her the peace now that she couldn't get in life. i still can't even wrap my head around the situation in Norway and how any one person could do that sane or insane. at some point i'd hope a switch would go off and it would force them to stop but that didn't happen. even though they have lowered the death toll almost 80 people have lost their lives because of intolerance of others.

the country is days away from sliding into default because people are having a pissing match and neglecting what it could do to the very people that put them where they are now. as irritated as i am with a few of them right now, my front office staff would not be able to retire at all if the stock market took another large hit. i'd be praying on it since i have 30 odd years before it's even an option but there is no promise that the stock market and thus my 401K would ever recover.

i am getting tired of my job and hateful towards people who don't have any real problems but that won't go away--or who are refusing to deal with the actual problems they have and focusing on something trivial instead. my coworkers who used to make up for that are showing me things i don't like and i could be overly sensitive right now but excusing or encouraging racist thought--even if they don't see it that way, is and always will be one of my buttons. my boss isn't hitting on all cylinders and it's sad to watch. i feel tired and rundown more days than not as opposed to tapped out because i know i did good work that day. i want to change almost everything but haven't got the means to even do a tenth of that.

i tried to get the book published through traditional means--well through the one contact i had, and that hasn't gone anywhere so it's time for plan b i guess. i don't really want to move but i want to be able to see my family more and want Daddy to be able to work as much as He likes and that just isn't happening here. mom is behaving most of the time but hovering over her finances is draining me as well. i did get to see my brother and his family for his birthday which was great. my nieces are the prettiest funniest little things and it was so not fun leaving them. but we have finally got skype working so when we think about or one of them needs to show me a new dance move i get to check them out.

and today the chain that i wear around my neck holding a small pendant very similar to the one my father gave me before he died broke. thankfully it happened in my car so i wasn't unable to find it like the last one. but i'm trying to decide if i need to stop wearing it now. Dad died ten years ago and i feel almost like part of me hasn't moved forward because he hasn't seen any of this with me. He didn't get to see his granddaughters or watch me wear my fuzzy hat when i finished my degree or get to have a long conversation with me on how historic it was that Barak Obama was elected president during his lifetime when dad's grandparents had been sharecroppers. i miss him so much but i don't know if the necklace is helping do anything but keep me in that space of missing him.

i'm tired and i feel out of sorts as you can tell from this rambling. i'll try to do better about posting, but clearly i can't make any promises.

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can't keep saying i'm sorry

Sunday, May 15, 2011 1 comment
i don't have logical reasons why i disappeared this time. some of the stuff i've been done has kept me busy but not so busy i couldn't have taken five minutes to just say hi. i'm in a weird place in my life right now. i'm five work days away from a much needed vacation and thankfully it looks like a relatively light five days but then there's a ten hour drive at the end of the week to see my family. i really am looking forward to seeing them but i hate driving that long these days with my stomach.

my job, in nearly all facets, is on my absolute last nerve and i know that fear is what is keeping me from really applying somewhere else. i have a job and Lord knows it's hard to find another one sometimes but i need to stop being so concerned about what might happen. i'm not happy going in anymore. most of the clients i've gotten attached to are on their way out this semester so really in the next year so i need to keep it moving myself.

i could possibly head back to texas now. it would make mom happy but Him not as happy as He hates the state and as of two months ago almost, His ex and kids relocated closer to His family in illinois. He would like to go that way and i appreciate what that would mean to Him but i hate that state and have no desire to be immersed in all the drama that would ensue. that actually leads into something else. drama, i really do hate it. however, it seems to follow me at some point when i'm with someone romantically. With Emp there was his ego and his flirtation and desire to have the best and i wasn't the best. With Roaming Soldier there was prolonged deployment and blending religions and all that good stuff. And now there is so much floating around i really can't see straight.

So many things have twisted up since this relationship has started that i'm feeling beat down at this point. i'm tired of feeling like i'm third or fourth down on the list behind the ever needier ex, His bruised ego, and whatever the hell He is doing on the computer. i can't make her go away and anytime i mention wanting some peace from that situation He says i'm being insensitive. i can't soothe His ego because part of what is wrong is related to point one. and since i don't "understand" or "participate" in Gorean roleplay that has just become a point of contention. i am unnecessarily jealous of someone He spends a lot of time talking with, working with and who has apparently dedicated a whole blog to her life with Him.

i am so beyond done with my life right now. the only saving grace is that mom isn't in the middle of this too but gotta grab her mid drive. my patience with everyone and everything is gone. i've been waiting to hear if the old publishing contact i had was interested in the book but that has gone no where. i'm about to toss that out too. the men who inspired it aren't inspiring much else right now so maybe i just need to hold on to the memories and call it a day. if you really need to reach me shoot me an email but i may disappear again. too tired for this to keep going on the way it is.

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it's a hard knock life for us

Sunday, March 27, 2011 No comments
Eh not really this week. Busy as normal, didn't get as much done at work as i would have like--that's normal. Got mostly everything set up to start another week and i'm worried about a client but again all of that is very very normal. i'm hoping that the random ear pain i'm having is not an ear infection because i'm going to throw a mighty tantrum if it is. i'm waiting now to see if the weather is going to improve soon because if not i can't do any of the stuff i need to with the yard. i am going to plant stuff lol. i got my shovel and tiller and plants that i want out but the weather looks like it's about to storm again and really not trying to get wet while i'm being crafty. i'm hungry though so i'm probably going to wrap this up soon and go forage out front. Need to do some washing too so i'll work on that as well.

Other updates before i wrap this up. Daddy will be home for a few days next week before He leaves again to drive things from storage here to the place His kids are relocating to in Illinois. Not sure if that will be weird or not since He's been gone a month and you get used to sleeping alone and doing things well alone. i hope not cause that would suck. We'll see how that goes. i finally got over my fear of rejection--i guess that is what it is but i'm not sure truthfully--and contacted the editor of the one of the old short stories i got published. She agreed to look at what i've collected for The Alphabet game and let me know if it's publishable i guess. If it goes anywhere, i'll let you know. If not, i'll start looking at plan B-Z since i know quite a few of you would like it in a book format and want the four missing letters as well. Okay i think that's it for now. Gonna have to finish debating if i'm keeping all these cable channels when not a freaking thing worth watching is on half the time.

see ya,
red

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how are you on this lazy sunday afternoon?

Sunday, March 20, 2011 No comments
i'm doing okay for the most part. Been busy doing all the little game stuff i do on the weekends and watching pretty good tennis thanks to the tournament at Indian Wells. Not sure how long this one will be because i really don't have much to update you on. i've adjusted the way i take my medication for my IBS again. That seems to be helping me get to work and staying there without having as many issues during the day. Still have the pain and cramping from time to time but the meds they gave me for that just make me sleepy so that's not gonna work when i have a full day of clients.

i'm planning a trip down to see my nieces and i'm feeling a bit better about actually being able to make the drive now with the med switch. They are adorable and allow me to stave off my own biological clock by spoiling them and dealing with tantrums by proxy. i still think i want my own eventually but i'm getting older and really don't want to have them at all if i don't have them in the next five years. Nursing and happy 40th don't sound appealing to me--go figure.

Daddy's still gone and probably won't be home before that first full week of April but what can ya do given the circumstances i guess. Life soldiers on as do i. my food is ready and i think i'm gonna much and maybe take a nap before i go back to tackling my freshly shampooed hair. Have a great day.

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Shame Shame Shame & Randomness

Wednesday, February 16, 2011 2 comments
i know i disappeared again and literally i have no good excuse. If you are every really wondering what's going on and i have vanished please send me a message via email. Just use the main website tag (redvelvetropeburn) and add an @gmail to it and voila access to red. Now i can't say this post will be terribly long mainly because my thoughts are jumbled up still and i figured i would share some of the randomness and try to get back either this weekend or next week early. i'll try to leave you a recipe as well so you can eat what i had for dinner tonight if you so desire. Can't take total credit for it as i got the idea from an IBS cookbook but just did what I thought would work best for me. So in no particular order here are the random moments dancing around my brain.

Why is some of the best stuff on tv NOW the stuff that came on tv years ago? Thank heavens for Nick at Nite, Boomerang, BBC America, Cartoon Network, TV Land and the like or i would likely pull my hair out.

Why is it places that are used to getting snow so unwilling to start preparing for it to come more often? We got a crap ton of snow last month and they were ill prepared for each storm and just wrong about predicting what was coming.

Why is it that gourmet cupcakes cost more per serving than the whole box would if i were to make it myself at home? Really who wants to shell out 3 bucks for a white chocolate cupcakes.

Why is it painful to watch other people slam into walls on shows like the World's Dumbest or 1000 Ways to Die? i mean you are aware that's the show's premise but it still hurts.

Why are snow days less fun when you grow up?

Did anyone else notice during the Aretha Franklin tribute they actually found the BEST singers for the pieces not just the people that could have looked like her? i appreciate that i didn't have to cringe through the performance so yeah Grammy's you get a win for that one.

Am i the only one that doesn't care at all about Prince William getting married? He's not marrying me, doesn't live here and it sorta was inevitable so why all the hoopla?

Does the US version of Being Human suck to anyone else? Should have left it to BBC America.

Okay that's it for now.

I made Seasoned Panko Pork Chops tonight.

I used about 2 cups of panko breading (find it at the grocery store in the Asian foods section)
7 thin cut pork chops
Cup of Flour
2 eggs
Seasoned Salt
Parsley Flakes
Garlic Salt all to taste, I tend to spice heavy because the Panko has no real flavor of its own
Parchment paper on a cookie sheet or in a baking pan

After washing and cleaning the pork chops I coated them lightly in flour. I dipped them in the eggs that had been beaten in a separate bowl and then coated them with the Panko bread crumbs. Place each on the parchment paper and cook at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes unless you want them more well done and then for approximately 40 minutes. You can flip midway during cooking to brown the bread crumbs on the bottom more but totally up to you. Serve with side of your choice. Serves 3-4 people easily but could make 2 people happy for a few days.

See everyone later
red

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