can't keep saying i'm sorry

Sunday, May 15, 2011
i don't have logical reasons why i disappeared this time. some of the stuff i've been done has kept me busy but not so busy i couldn't have taken five minutes to just say hi. i'm in a weird place in my life right now. i'm five work days away from a much needed vacation and thankfully it looks like a relatively light five days but then there's a ten hour drive at the end of the week to see my family. i really am looking forward to seeing them but i hate driving that long these days with my stomach.

my job, in nearly all facets, is on my absolute last nerve and i know that fear is what is keeping me from really applying somewhere else. i have a job and Lord knows it's hard to find another one sometimes but i need to stop being so concerned about what might happen. i'm not happy going in anymore. most of the clients i've gotten attached to are on their way out this semester so really in the next year so i need to keep it moving myself.

i could possibly head back to texas now. it would make mom happy but Him not as happy as He hates the state and as of two months ago almost, His ex and kids relocated closer to His family in illinois. He would like to go that way and i appreciate what that would mean to Him but i hate that state and have no desire to be immersed in all the drama that would ensue. that actually leads into something else. drama, i really do hate it. however, it seems to follow me at some point when i'm with someone romantically. With Emp there was his ego and his flirtation and desire to have the best and i wasn't the best. With Roaming Soldier there was prolonged deployment and blending religions and all that good stuff. And now there is so much floating around i really can't see straight.

So many things have twisted up since this relationship has started that i'm feeling beat down at this point. i'm tired of feeling like i'm third or fourth down on the list behind the ever needier ex, His bruised ego, and whatever the hell He is doing on the computer. i can't make her go away and anytime i mention wanting some peace from that situation He says i'm being insensitive. i can't soothe His ego because part of what is wrong is related to point one. and since i don't "understand" or "participate" in Gorean roleplay that has just become a point of contention. i am unnecessarily jealous of someone He spends a lot of time talking with, working with and who has apparently dedicated a whole blog to her life with Him.

i am so beyond done with my life right now. the only saving grace is that mom isn't in the middle of this too but gotta grab her mid drive. my patience with everyone and everything is gone. i've been waiting to hear if the old publishing contact i had was interested in the book but that has gone no where. i'm about to toss that out too. the men who inspired it aren't inspiring much else right now so maybe i just need to hold on to the memories and call it a day. if you really need to reach me shoot me an email but i may disappear again. too tired for this to keep going on the way it is.

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1 comment

  1. It is what it is and you are much better than the sum of all your parts Red sooooo....don't leave just yet

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