A Night of 1001 Dreams

Friday, December 21, 2012 No comments
The nightly remembered dreams are continuing.  Some of them make no sense and are easily forgotten.  Others not as much.  I was feeling kind of bummed on Tuesday night because I hadn't heard back about a job interview opportunity but then I remembered my dream I had as I was getting ready on Wednesday morning and all that kept running through my brain was "home."  I want to say people were singing but one of several versions of home were playing in my head.  It started off country turned into something else either way prevailing theme of the dream was I was going home.  I go about my morning and got a call from said job site which is about two hours from my brother and three hours from my other family.  Don't know what's going to happen there but it's another opportunity to get closer to home.  Yesterday I had a bunch of weird disconnected dreams but when I woke up I was sure I saw a tiny angel looking at me like wake up something bad is going to happen.  I'm blind as a bat when I wake up so after I focused my eyes and reached for my glasses I chalked it up to my bad eyesight.  It didn't stop the worry but after several hours of no bad news I was about to let it go.  Unfortunately, when I got to my second home of the day I found out one of my favorite clients who had been really sick was now dying.  I was glad it was no one in my family BUT she was adorable and funny and spunky for someone battling health issues as long as she had been.  I'm going to miss her.  And I miss hearing from you guys too, no one comments anymore. 

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Horny but not really

Friday, December 14, 2012 No comments
I won't make this long.  Some days I randomly think about sex but not that I want any lol.  I will only sacrifice a kitten if I'm having an insomnia fit and it's not working as well as it used to.  Ahh well such is life.  Back to ignoring David Otunga on WWE, God he sucks.  No idea what Jennifer Hudson sees in him.

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A really good question

Sunday, November 25, 2012 No comments
So yesterday or day before not sure which, after I hit up fetlife for the first time in a while, Green Lantern (check the cast list for more info on her) asked me if I had left the lifestyle.  Honestly I haven't left anything.  I'm still quite a subbie girl BUT I haven't lived the lifestyle in quite some time either.  He's been gone for over a year and even when he was still here we were usually so stressed and busy trying to manage the situation with his children and ex that there wasn't much play time.  Not to mention my mother lives with me so a good flogging might make her concerned and call the police lol.  Even if we had wanted to sneak away though we probably wouldn't have.  The few occasions that we were alone and able to indulge there was a disconnect.  We were saying the same things but how it was envisioned by both of us was totally different.  Same thing with emperor but then again I don't think I was what he wanted physically so that put a damper on his treatment of me in lots of regards.  I felt more in tune with RS on the d/s side of things but we know what happened there.  There just may not be an ideal situation for me and I may just have to enjoy vanilla life.  I mean I am right now.  I'm working and teaching and cooking a LOT.  Been baking up a storm and tinkering with new recipes and this freaking mandolin slicer is amazing.  I'm just enjoying being me for the moment--and having lots of weird dreams NIGHTLY.  I'm hopeful that sometime in the future the stories will be more of my life but so far not so much.  Got another rejection letter by the way.  I'll sort out the book thing eventually.  I want you to have the last four stories but it looks like self-publishing is on tap.  Hope you all had a great holiday.

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If I'm Dreaming PLEASE Dear God Wake Me Up

Saturday, November 03, 2012 No comments
Not sure how long this will be but this has been the week of crazy dreams.  After recovering from an unexpected and so damn miserable stomach bug I had a dream that made me confused when I woke up.  I had relocated, was tired of being single, and used a dating service to find myself a new opportunity.  Everything was going smoothly up till the meeting.  Not sure why I'd agree to meet someone without a photo but in the dream I did.  And turned out to be a friend of one of my exes.  Very awkward and instead of just going this is incredibly awkward we had sex and then I woke up.  So yeah I was disturbed when I went back to work cause I could finally sit up without sprinting to the bathroom.  Thursday night I was feeling better just tired from another night of class.  Yeah well dream went off the rails then too.  This time I was driving somewhere I'd probably NEVER agree to drive cause it was hot and dusty.  My car broke down and I was pissed because I wasn't sure when the road side assistance folks would be coming to help and I was needed to be somewhere on time.  I think I was headed into a little bar hoping for a good clean bathroom and a drink when out of nowhere my ex shows up (different ex not related to the first dream at all) out of a cloud of dust just walking towards me.  I got madder in the dream and woke up mad too.  He was very nice to look at but woo irritation was par for the course with us.  And then last night I had a dream that I was celebrating my birthday and somehow got to meet one of my favorite basketball players.  Which wouldn't be so bad but I can't see that human at all but I know that Jason Kidd was there too.  I was getting ready to walk back to my seat when Jason stopped me and said now head to the back.  Some short guy (like really short) offered to get me a drink and introduced me to folks who looked like they should be groupies but were really sweet and looked like just a group of professional smart and funny women.  I wasn't sure what was going on at that point but I was enjoying myself and then I woke up.  So what do you all think?  The first night I hadn't really eaten anything so I can't blame the food.  Thursday and Friday I had pork chops for dinner and a piece of cake last night.  Could just be random dreams I guess but all of it was crazy.

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page views, sex and general confusion

Saturday, October 06, 2012 No comments
I've been checking my page views lately for some reason.  I'm not sure how well this is tracking since for a while the blog was hosted solely on GoDaddy until blogger did something weird with how you published that seemed more work than I felt like mustering and moved things back to blogger.  One post, that granted was full of smutty goodness, has been far outpacing the others and I'm not quite sure why.  But in looking at the page counts and referring links in I was reminded of my sugasm linking days.  I'm not even sure if sugasm is still running.  I hope it is, that was how I got to plenty of other smutty goodness.  Anyhoo, today the top referrals in took me to a post from Rachel Kramer Bussell before she left the Village Voice about women and sexuality and how we were naughty naughty things for enjoying sex and not being chaste good girls who are trying to conquer the world. 


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Watching Burlesque Again

Thursday, October 04, 2012 No comments
It totally appeals to my campy vintage loving self.  Of course it's predictable but it's got great singing and it has Stanley Tucci which in most movies means a win right there.  I know I'm romanticizing the time period and what happened during it but I love it.  I love the clothes, the hair, the music, the way people flirted or didn't flirt as the case may be.  It all seems so safe and loving and anyone that knows me knows I want safe and loving more than anything else.  I don't want to have to worry about what may come, if there's comforting arms to fall into at the end of the night or if I have to compete with 70K other things to be a priority in his life.  Those aren't the men I choose though.  They hit on most of those things but there's always something I'm missing and I keep waiting on it but it doesn't turn out well.  Each time it makes me miss my dad a little more but as I don't want a hug from a zombie I can't get a hug and sit on the couch with dad while we watch cartoons.  That went all rambling didn't it?  I watch this movie every time it comes on like I haven't seen it lol.  Big voices, tiny outfits, people I adore, who can ask for more?  You should watch it if you haven't seen it, it's funny and lovely.

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another day another dollar

Saturday, September 29, 2012 No comments
well sort of.  went on the job interview, it was anti-climatic, will hop back on local work on monday cause i'm wiped after four flights since thusday at 1 to last night when i landed at 11 or so.  came back home, checked email and passed out which is why I didn't post about getting another rejection for the book.  short stories are a hard market i'm guessing because the feedback has looked the same, positive but not sure what to do with them.  so what do you think i should do ladies and gents that are still reading this.  continue to wait for the queries to come back or plan on self-publishing the book and hoping for the best?

see ya
red

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And now we're at 2

Friday, September 07, 2012 No comments
So I got my second official rejection today.  Again it was very polite but I don't think anyone is going to bite on smutty short stories as a novel.  I'm at the right length for a full novel of short stories but it does need some editing.  And the characters have no names, which none of you seemed to mind but print readers may want a little bit more.  Not sure on that.  I'll see what happens between now and November.  If everyone is a no, and that would be kind of expected, I guess if I want anyone to see them ever it will be self-publish.  I'm sure there's a market but it would probably help if there was new smut to add to the literary ranks.  I haven't had any story ideas in my head for a while.  Last night was the first time even the inklings of a new poem came into my brain and it was angry and spiteful so not sure if it will ever see the light of day.  Sorry, just saw the pulled pork cheeseburger thing from Hardee's and my stomach just turned a bit.  I know I don't like when my food mixes depending on what it is but that just looks unnecessary and nasty.  Oh well, for some reason I'm feeling pretty good tonight.  Feeling kind of single which was so not my plan but it is what it is I guess.  Have a good weekend everyone.

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Just looked at my open tabs and got depressed

Sunday, August 26, 2012 No comments
My life is so vanilla right now.  It's been raining hard as all get out here for days and while once before that would send me into a state of arousal, now I'm just hoping it doesn't flood, the roof doesn't cave in or that I don't catch a cold.  No erotic daydreams of climbing a tall soldier boy.  No wet dreams of being bound and gagged by a not so tall former Marine.  All in all just a boring few nights even though I was glad my fresh perm didn't get wet.  I mean I know how to take better care of that now but it's a pain lol.  I contemplated writing a story or starting to finish a book that's been sitting on my hard drive for God only knows how long and yeah haven't touched that either.  I'm so bored and boring.  We won't get into the last time I had sex at all but let's just say it's even longer than he's been gone because he's a bit of a sex camel.  I know there's interesting things to do and I had fun cooking and baking today but I can't cook 24 hours a day.  Ahhh let me go update the blockbuster que so I don't end up with another movie I've already seen.  Oh and I'm sure you were wondering about the tab thing lol.  FetLife is one of my always ready to go to sites.  I have a friend request pending but so not interested in my fellow kinksters hitting on me right now when I'm feeling so disconnected from the lifestyle.

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just realized something & i had a weird dream

Friday, August 24, 2012 No comments
i'll start with what i can remember from the dream first because it's late and i'm prone to ramble.  well it's not really late.  i had a dream a few nights ago that i found a turbo sized vibrator in the middle of my dad's old house.  i took it to the room because i couldn't remember if i left it there or not.  i got curious and started using it when my very cranky Asian i'm guessing step sister said she was gonna tell dad i stole her vibrator.  i woke up shortly after that and just went okay he was in Korea for a while but this girl wasn't biracial she was just Asian lol.  Last night i have no idea what the dream was just that i keep waking up sick and it's annoying. 


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Relationships ughhh

Friday, August 17, 2012 No comments
More bad news on that front.  Again nothing that can be in either of our control but still fucking things up all the same.  Won't say anything else about that now but damn i'm annoyed.

Okay i was going to leave it alone but i can't.  Men suck, the men in my life in particular SUCK.  From Emperor and his mommy issues to Roaming Soldier basically pulling a disappearing act to Good Nyte and all his noble deeds.  Someone, something always more important than me and i know i wasn't on the level that mr. pretentious wanted me to be but no excuse for how he behaved.  when i really offered all of them heart and whatever that could entail it just wasn't enough.  that just hurts.  Six years and there's no brass ring, there's no advice coming from me in these 576 posts that says yest this will work out for you too.  To some degree i know bdsm relationships can be fragile and tenuous and if that's all these had been i would accept that a little easier.  But for those of you that have been around for a while you'll know that i crumbled in on myself when these relationships would end.  When i started to wonder again what i did wrong and in most cases not finding anything worth holding on to felt even worse cause at least if i had screwed up then there was a definite understanding of why there was no more relationship.  Just to not be enough much more of a head fuck.  And since i'm overanalyzing every part of my life right now to add this to it and not have this at least be a support is ten times worse than it would be normally but in my effort to not fall into a deep dark dank depression i'm going to turn this over to whatever higher power is looking out for me.  i would have written this earlier but i was bowling on the Wii and it helped get some aggression out.  (off tangent, shark tale has a good soundtrack lol)  i doubt any of them are still reading the blog but i'd really love to hear why i was so far down on the totem pole that there wasn't even an effort to fix things at the end.  i can't say that about GN exactly but life keeps blocking his efforts.  Done venting now, see ya.

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Life in Redux

Wednesday, August 15, 2012 No comments
i'm feeling kind of frustrated.  no word back from the publishing house so i'll check on the self-publishing and see what makes the most sense both financially and distribution wise.  There's a lot about that i don't really understand so i don't want to jump in without looking at all my options.  we've been chatting on the status of the relationship but everytime the big convo needs to happen something comes up on his end so it's just in the same limbo point it's been in forever.  i'm watching a show on teen nick and am actually jealous i don't have someone that sets me on fire and makes me look at them with puppy dog eyes.  used to do that.  now i'd be staring at a picture and that just makes me feel a little psychotic.  i'm wanting to reach out to friends but don't know which of the not totally screwed up but not feeling great places to start in my life.  i feel just blah.  not moody just blah.  thank heavens my cramps haven't gone off the deep end.  insurance still hasn't kicked back in and main guy i need to talk to is out of the office.  ahh well back to my show.

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Just a little update

Thursday, August 09, 2012 No comments
Velvet rope always makes me think of movies.  i'll tinker with this one for a while and see what i feel like doing after this.  And i'm thankful that while i'm always looking for signs that God helps a sister out from time to time.  i need to get back on my hustle for sure.  Wow i was really slacking last year.  Well i guess every year since 2006.  The posts have declined steadily here.  i guess i could say i haven't been feeling very submissive lately and that is quite true.  i haven't had much of a reason to.  And when there's no one stoking my imagination the smut is on short supply as well.  i so don't know what to say other than i'm sorry.  With this post i have already posted more this year than all of last year and i still have four full months left.  Heaven help us all lol.

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To Self-Publish or Not?

this probably won't be long because i really don't have much to say.  he's not back, no immediate plans to come back, and i have tapped the patience reserve on how much longer i can be the faithful subbie girl.  i'm not a cheater so that's not a huge issue but based on what's going on there may not be a rebuilding point from here.  which really sucks.  yet another subbie lovefest that would have crashed and burned.  maybe i'm just supposed to write the smut and leave the rest of it alone.  which actually brings me to the reason i posted.  i know you guys have been waiting for the last four stories in the alphabet game.  well i submitted the whole thing to a publishing house that had published one of my short stories an eon ago in an anthology.  i've been waiting since April and have had no definitive response.  to me that means interest is low at best and i should just look into publishing it myself.  the whole wait and see thing just drives me nuts and i doubt another publishing house will take a risk on an unproven author who has let the main publishing avenue, this blog, fall by the wayside as her relationship tanked.  so i'm asking two questions to all of you that still manage to come by.  1) are you even interested in having all the stories in a collected body you can have at home?  and 2) if any of you have self-published what are some things i need to be aware of before i go forward with it?  there are a series of price options and retaining rights versus not so any advice would be welcome.

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Little smiles

Friday, July 20, 2012 No comments
i spoke with my nieces.  no matter how i'm feeling they always make me giggle for a while.  i've been feeling funky all day for no apparent reason.  i made ice cream and that took forever for some reason but it's freezing now.  i got the herbs planted and figured out how to set up moms tomato hanger thing.  but as the day has progressed my mood has tanked.  the shooting is abstractly crossing my consciousness but as always when there is some incident of this kind the speculation is rampant, exposure is much too heavy and my desire to partake of much of it wanes.  that's part of why i love the cartoon network so much.  it was one of the only channels not showing the 9/11 attacks at the time.  after four hours of tragedy i started watching it and boomerang i think it was.  either way cartoons made me feel better.  so far today not so much.  just the cutie pies i'm too far away from.  i need something to boost me up, not sure what it will be, but i need something.  i was even mean to Him.  He's been trying very hard to reconnect and the last two days i've been so irritated i can't bring myself to talk very long.  ahh well i'm going to go now and hunt for dinner.

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Random Updates

Monday, July 09, 2012 No comments
Today while scrolling through twitter i saw a blurb from Rachel Kramer Bussel who i love. If i was ever able to just live it all out in the open she'd so be someone i would love to hang out with cause she seems very down to earth and happy. And it's not that i'm unhappy now but having to hide part of who you are so professionally you aren't banished and so mom isn't asking me if i am okay every four minutes isn't fun either. ahh well i'm off tangent. She wrote a new piece which did have a great title and was a nice recap of what i could only call a masochistic dream week. Here's the link so you can peruse at your will.  It's funny, well written like all of her stuff is and made me realize i miss sex.  The plain old vanilla kind as well as the it hurts so good kind.  yes i know i could masturbate but that's always a one and done for me unless something has me really worked up and it's been a LONG minute since that happened.  i slightly miss undergrad now.  There was always a willing well tooled young man around to handle the borderline nymphomania i was afflicted with.  Alas, the men here are married, potential business associates, or just not even folks i want to see naked on the most painfully dry days.  Maybe one of my friends was right.  The boys that want to hurt me and fuck me within an inch of my life aren't always good long term partners.  And the long term partners apparently get disinterested in sex.  Blah blah blah.  On a positive note, my frozen yogurt came out great even though i think i need a new machine that works faster and isn't so bulky.  Then i can use that rock salt for the driveway if it ever snows again.  i had another interview today too, not sure how it went so i'm glad i already had a job lol.  k back to watching tv and work in the morning.

see ya,
red

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Minor Fall Major Lift

Saturday, June 30, 2012 No comments
i don't think this title will have anything to do with the post. i'm just doing the update rounds right now. i'm going to be working one day a week next month at the new job i was offered and then supposed to start full time in august. yes i know next month starts tomorrow but you get my point. and very unexpectedly was just offered a phone interview for a different job that i applied for about the same time. it would be doing the same thing i used to do and thus may be subject to the same kind of office politics. however, it's just a phone interview. doesn't mean i'd be getting any further along in the process than that. plus mom through a tiny tantrum because she could basically because it's not where she wants to live. but my mother really only wants to live in one place so she can visit her sisters, fight with her sisters and travel home to see my grandmother's grave in three or four hours. not sure it really matters as i have a job but things are still not feeling totally settled so who knows could be the best thing for me to just move forward and see what happens. He's still not back. probably won't be back anytime soon as the kidney issues have not been resolved through dialysis or transplant and even if either happens there will still be months of recovery to endure. feels like the situation with RS all over again but different back story. ahh well. if i end up staying here and don't have to use the extra paycheck to move with then i may look into self publishing the stories since i'll have a bit stored up at that point. it won't be for a few months probably so that i know what i'm doing for certain. figuring out how to sell it may be an issue since Paypal has said smutty things are no longer in their purview of allowed payments--not sure how they regulate that but can't have money seized or frozen because they don't like me anymore. ahh well, that's it for now. have a good saturday all, red

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One step wrong

Friday, May 25, 2012 1 comment
this will be short. i'm in the middle of the season of missing my dad and it sucks. in the middle of that i was blindsided by my job. i'm actively looking for a new job, some local and some near my family, to make sure that come August 1 i'm either gainfully employed full time or able to piece together a few things part time. i'm feeling a little out of sorts of course and it's periodically exciting and terrifying. it was time to leave, that i know, but the way it happened was tacky and is just making me dislike people i used to love and trust. i may or may not be around a lot for a while. i may be around a lot in july lol as i get to work from home but who knows. keep me in your thoughts. and before anyone asks--nope He's still not back.

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Fun Updates Ha

Sunday, April 15, 2012 6 comments
as everyone knows, He's still gone. We're in a slightly better place but it's not all peaches and cream (i hate peaches too so no idea why i used that phrase). He's been really helpful when i have a question or am stressing out about things. i had to change all of the smoke alarm batteries one weekend and one i had to literally dismantle to get to the battery which He helped with after i sent a picture. He wasn't particularly happy that i turned into a contortionist and kept stacking pillows on a chair to get the ridiculously high one on the living room ceiling. i've mowed the lawn once and it's a pain. i need to get the weed whacker out and do the trim but not until the rain moves out of the area and leaves us alone. also need to get the brakes done at some point. They aren't squeaking but i'm paranoid about stuff like that. Still have no plans to whack off my hair but it's growing and i love it. There's something else i need to take care of before i share it with you and if it goes well yeah for me and you lol. If not it's at least a try. i may start a more vanilla blog at some point but not sure on that yet either. anyway in the mean time work on this. Had a long, continuing through several periods of waking up dream that i was dating Justin Timberlake and he was adorable.

k i'm out, have to hide from a storm
red

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oh my own, this isn't how it was supposed to end..

Friday, March 23, 2012 1 comment
sorry when i typed in the title i started singing. we haven't split up, i just like the song. i'm by myself because someone is still gone and mom left on Tuesday quite unexpectedly to head to my brother's place. so it's just been me and a rainy week. my hair hasn't appreciated it in the slightest. trying to decide if i am going to take my hairdresser's advice and start transitioning to natural. i CANNOT whack it all off. it's taken too long to grow it out in the first place and keep it healthy so can't negate all that progress and hope for the best. i really don't have much to say lol, was just stopping in when i had a moment instead of forgetting about it like i normally do. how is everyone? heck i don't even know if anyone is reading this anymore. ahh well, see ya later.

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once a month, could be worse

Sunday, March 11, 2012 No comments
i haven't had much in the way of updates. more of a dilemma really. still trying to get mom out to visit my adorable nieces before i'm branded the worst sister ever but damn flights have gotten INSANE in the last few months. nothing much to update with Him. we aren't talking regularly and when we do it's hard not to fight. He doesn't want us to split up and is convinced He'll be back. He's been gone since the end of November and with the exception of a skype call we haven't seen each other at all since. His plans are still stalled and i'm about eight shades past fed up. years of waiting for RS and now Him has me at the end of my romantic rope. and then i saw something that just irked my nerves lol. i was ready to move forward with the book stuff and i hear that Paypal is nixing any indy booksellers that carry adult content they deem inappropriate which would definitely include my stories. frustrated a bit. any ideas?

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wow shame on me again

Saturday, February 04, 2012 No comments
not a whole lot to say. life is busy but not. i'm enjoying certain aspects but not others. and i'm a few days away from maybe starting on getting the book into print so that any of you folks that are still reading this blog can get all of the stories into your hands, including the four missing ones from the remainder of the alphabet. i keep debating whether to let this go dark or try to reinvigorate my love for blogging and the lifestyle. i'm sure i've mentioned it before but life is quite vanilla when we are together and this begins month four of Him being gone. there was some hope that He'd be back next month but with news that His grandfather is very very ill i just don't see it happening. definitely not next month if at all. none of the things He went down there for have happened and i'll be honest my patience is gone with them being resolved anytime soon. it's not His fault anymore than it was Roaming Soldiers. well technically the relationship status was pushed to where it was/is in both cases because of them. RS made a decision that we both knew could mean he could be MIA and that came to pass. His very developed sense of loyalty means that those in need, especially His family, come first. and while i may be a want, i don't need Him in the same way they do. sucks for me, and for Him, because it just makes me think there's never going to be a time when i'm always first. it's hard to be in a relationship when you don't think you'll ever be the number one priority. it's nearly impossible.

on another note i am taking care of myself still. have completely cut juice out of my diet. drinking crystal light flavored water in place of all of that. i've gotten rid of a lot of fatty snacks and have substituted them with healthy quick meals and a blend of nuts that i based on the planters nut-rition energy mix. i need to get back to the workout routine but i'm walking a lot more and tracking my steps with an app on my phone. need to increase my sleep but that is a pipe dream lol. i miss the sense of community that i used to have here in the blogosphere. but a rudderless sub isn't good company. back to watching mr. and mrs. smith.

red

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