just realized something & i had a weird dream

Friday, August 24, 2012
i'll start with what i can remember from the dream first because it's late and i'm prone to ramble.  well it's not really late.  i had a dream a few nights ago that i found a turbo sized vibrator in the middle of my dad's old house.  i took it to the room because i couldn't remember if i left it there or not.  i got curious and started using it when my very cranky Asian i'm guessing step sister said she was gonna tell dad i stole her vibrator.  i woke up shortly after that and just went okay he was in Korea for a while but this girl wasn't biracial she was just Asian lol.  Last night i have no idea what the dream was just that i keep waking up sick and it's annoying. 



i got my first official rejection from the queries i sent out a few days ago about the short stories.  i don't think anyone is going to pick them up if i'm being honest.  People want 50 shades of gray not a collection of stories that are independent of each other.  That didn't terribly upset me though.  She was very friendly and honest and heck it only took a few days.  That's much better than the first publisher i tried to work with who still hasn't actually said yea or nay at this point.  i'll keep my fingers crossed but ehh won't hold my breath on that one.

What i realized was i'm just not happy.  i probably haven't been happy in a while.  The relationship issues have been bothering me a long time and even if i could put those aside i'm not sure what i want to be doing with my life right now.  Part of me feels like i'm burned out on clinical work but i love connecting with new clients.  i want to teach but my current options are limited.  i'm applying for clinical and non clinical jobs kind of on a wing and a prayer but nothing i'm doing feels good.  i feel stuck and lonely and frustrated and irritable and sad and afraid.  There used to be an insane possibly annoying amount of hope in me about where i'd be at this stage in my life.  The men who inspired it are mostly gone and out of touch.  The passion that i had for my work is shot to hell.  i'm just not happy.  i'm less stressed and i believe that things will work out eventually but right now it's not feeling good and i don't see it turning around all that soon.  i miss my father.  He would say something now that would make me laugh and call me by my nickname and then we'd watch cartoons and have not so sweet pecan pie and ice cream.  But i can't do that and even the few times i do that with mom it's not the same.

i can't even use advice i'd give clients because i can't hear that part of my brain right now.  i'm tired.  good night.

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