Relationships ughhh

Friday, August 17, 2012
More bad news on that front.  Again nothing that can be in either of our control but still fucking things up all the same.  Won't say anything else about that now but damn i'm annoyed.

Okay i was going to leave it alone but i can't.  Men suck, the men in my life in particular SUCK.  From Emperor and his mommy issues to Roaming Soldier basically pulling a disappearing act to Good Nyte and all his noble deeds.  Someone, something always more important than me and i know i wasn't on the level that mr. pretentious wanted me to be but no excuse for how he behaved.  when i really offered all of them heart and whatever that could entail it just wasn't enough.  that just hurts.  Six years and there's no brass ring, there's no advice coming from me in these 576 posts that says yest this will work out for you too.  To some degree i know bdsm relationships can be fragile and tenuous and if that's all these had been i would accept that a little easier.  But for those of you that have been around for a while you'll know that i crumbled in on myself when these relationships would end.  When i started to wonder again what i did wrong and in most cases not finding anything worth holding on to felt even worse cause at least if i had screwed up then there was a definite understanding of why there was no more relationship.  Just to not be enough much more of a head fuck.  And since i'm overanalyzing every part of my life right now to add this to it and not have this at least be a support is ten times worse than it would be normally but in my effort to not fall into a deep dark dank depression i'm going to turn this over to whatever higher power is looking out for me.  i would have written this earlier but i was bowling on the Wii and it helped get some aggression out.  (off tangent, shark tale has a good soundtrack lol)  i doubt any of them are still reading the blog but i'd really love to hear why i was so far down on the totem pole that there wasn't even an effort to fix things at the end.  i can't say that about GN exactly but life keeps blocking his efforts.  Done venting now, see ya.

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