Just looked at my open tabs and got depressed

Sunday, August 26, 2012 No comments
My life is so vanilla right now.  It's been raining hard as all get out here for days and while once before that would send me into a state of arousal, now I'm just hoping it doesn't flood, the roof doesn't cave in or that I don't catch a cold.  No erotic daydreams of climbing a tall soldier boy.  No wet dreams of being bound and gagged by a not so tall former Marine.  All in all just a boring few nights even though I was glad my fresh perm didn't get wet.  I mean I know how to take better care of that now but it's a pain lol.  I contemplated writing a story or starting to finish a book that's been sitting on my hard drive for God only knows how long and yeah haven't touched that either.  I'm so bored and boring.  We won't get into the last time I had sex at all but let's just say it's even longer than he's been gone because he's a bit of a sex camel.  I know there's interesting things to do and I had fun cooking and baking today but I can't cook 24 hours a day.  Ahhh let me go update the blockbuster que so I don't end up with another movie I've already seen.  Oh and I'm sure you were wondering about the tab thing lol.  FetLife is one of my always ready to go to sites.  I have a friend request pending but so not interested in my fellow kinksters hitting on me right now when I'm feeling so disconnected from the lifestyle.

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just realized something & i had a weird dream

Friday, August 24, 2012 No comments
i'll start with what i can remember from the dream first because it's late and i'm prone to ramble.  well it's not really late.  i had a dream a few nights ago that i found a turbo sized vibrator in the middle of my dad's old house.  i took it to the room because i couldn't remember if i left it there or not.  i got curious and started using it when my very cranky Asian i'm guessing step sister said she was gonna tell dad i stole her vibrator.  i woke up shortly after that and just went okay he was in Korea for a while but this girl wasn't biracial she was just Asian lol.  Last night i have no idea what the dream was just that i keep waking up sick and it's annoying. 


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Relationships ughhh

Friday, August 17, 2012 No comments
More bad news on that front.  Again nothing that can be in either of our control but still fucking things up all the same.  Won't say anything else about that now but damn i'm annoyed.

Okay i was going to leave it alone but i can't.  Men suck, the men in my life in particular SUCK.  From Emperor and his mommy issues to Roaming Soldier basically pulling a disappearing act to Good Nyte and all his noble deeds.  Someone, something always more important than me and i know i wasn't on the level that mr. pretentious wanted me to be but no excuse for how he behaved.  when i really offered all of them heart and whatever that could entail it just wasn't enough.  that just hurts.  Six years and there's no brass ring, there's no advice coming from me in these 576 posts that says yest this will work out for you too.  To some degree i know bdsm relationships can be fragile and tenuous and if that's all these had been i would accept that a little easier.  But for those of you that have been around for a while you'll know that i crumbled in on myself when these relationships would end.  When i started to wonder again what i did wrong and in most cases not finding anything worth holding on to felt even worse cause at least if i had screwed up then there was a definite understanding of why there was no more relationship.  Just to not be enough much more of a head fuck.  And since i'm overanalyzing every part of my life right now to add this to it and not have this at least be a support is ten times worse than it would be normally but in my effort to not fall into a deep dark dank depression i'm going to turn this over to whatever higher power is looking out for me.  i would have written this earlier but i was bowling on the Wii and it helped get some aggression out.  (off tangent, shark tale has a good soundtrack lol)  i doubt any of them are still reading the blog but i'd really love to hear why i was so far down on the totem pole that there wasn't even an effort to fix things at the end.  i can't say that about GN exactly but life keeps blocking his efforts.  Done venting now, see ya.

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Life in Redux

Wednesday, August 15, 2012 No comments
i'm feeling kind of frustrated.  no word back from the publishing house so i'll check on the self-publishing and see what makes the most sense both financially and distribution wise.  There's a lot about that i don't really understand so i don't want to jump in without looking at all my options.  we've been chatting on the status of the relationship but everytime the big convo needs to happen something comes up on his end so it's just in the same limbo point it's been in forever.  i'm watching a show on teen nick and am actually jealous i don't have someone that sets me on fire and makes me look at them with puppy dog eyes.  used to do that.  now i'd be staring at a picture and that just makes me feel a little psychotic.  i'm wanting to reach out to friends but don't know which of the not totally screwed up but not feeling great places to start in my life.  i feel just blah.  not moody just blah.  thank heavens my cramps haven't gone off the deep end.  insurance still hasn't kicked back in and main guy i need to talk to is out of the office.  ahh well back to my show.

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Just a little update

Thursday, August 09, 2012 No comments
Velvet rope always makes me think of movies.  i'll tinker with this one for a while and see what i feel like doing after this.  And i'm thankful that while i'm always looking for signs that God helps a sister out from time to time.  i need to get back on my hustle for sure.  Wow i was really slacking last year.  Well i guess every year since 2006.  The posts have declined steadily here.  i guess i could say i haven't been feeling very submissive lately and that is quite true.  i haven't had much of a reason to.  And when there's no one stoking my imagination the smut is on short supply as well.  i so don't know what to say other than i'm sorry.  With this post i have already posted more this year than all of last year and i still have four full months left.  Heaven help us all lol.

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To Self-Publish or Not?

this probably won't be long because i really don't have much to say.  he's not back, no immediate plans to come back, and i have tapped the patience reserve on how much longer i can be the faithful subbie girl.  i'm not a cheater so that's not a huge issue but based on what's going on there may not be a rebuilding point from here.  which really sucks.  yet another subbie lovefest that would have crashed and burned.  maybe i'm just supposed to write the smut and leave the rest of it alone.  which actually brings me to the reason i posted.  i know you guys have been waiting for the last four stories in the alphabet game.  well i submitted the whole thing to a publishing house that had published one of my short stories an eon ago in an anthology.  i've been waiting since April and have had no definitive response.  to me that means interest is low at best and i should just look into publishing it myself.  the whole wait and see thing just drives me nuts and i doubt another publishing house will take a risk on an unproven author who has let the main publishing avenue, this blog, fall by the wayside as her relationship tanked.  so i'm asking two questions to all of you that still manage to come by.  1) are you even interested in having all the stories in a collected body you can have at home?  and 2) if any of you have self-published what are some things i need to be aware of before i go forward with it?  there are a series of price options and retaining rights versus not so any advice would be welcome.

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