I'll Be Dreaming

Sunday, December 01, 2013 2 comments
Do you all remember the Vanessa Williams' song of a similar title as this blog post?


It's much more appropriate for this diatribe that is about to be unleashed than oh let's say Christopher Williams' I'm Dreamin' which while catchy implies that one is really awake and enjoying life.



I have been having vivid dreams once again.  Complicated strange dreams, happy funny warm dreams, slightly visceral sexual dreams and what the hell did I eat before bed dreams.  Lots and lots of dreams.  I've spoken to my dead father more than once.  Been arrested by an ex boyfriend while snuggling in the car with another ex boyfriend.  I have been in active combat, a spy, stuck in a weird maze, pretty sure I was a mom in and one and most recently well I'm trying to remember the full details on both of those.  In one I think I was cuddled up with a man that sounded and looked like my ex but who definitely could not be my ex as we were not arguing, trying to one up each other or ripping our clothes off the moment we were alone.  I just remember being really really peaceful and happy when I woke up.  I know I'm missing a companion in my life right now but all of my viable options are either way too young or way too old.  I have no idea how men date people 15 years younger than them.  The conversation alone is maddening for me.  Definitely don't want to see them naked.  If I have nieces and nephews your age I just need to step away from you as a relationship.  I digress.  The other one that is most recent is most fuzzy.  I had to solve some sort of puzzle to help people I loved.  I was working through it when I woke up.  No one can tell me what they mean.  Dream dictionaries so aren't helping.  It could just be my brain working through emotions I'm having about taking care of myself and my mother, about who I will spend the next 40 years of my life with beyond mom, will I ever have small kids call me more than Aunt Red.  All very overwhelming for my unconscious brain.  On a positive note I am back to the gym on the regular and have upped my actual workouts since September by a stellar amount,  I've gotten in nearly 30 workouts since mid September.  I could definitely do better but I'm proud of myself.  Pinup photo shoot is still scheduled, tickets are booked to see family.  Life is good.  Now if my dreams would just come with a manual life would be great.


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Baby It's 3 AM & I am not Matchbox 20

Tuesday, October 15, 2013 No comments
I am bored out of my skull and for some reason not remotely sleepy.  I went to bed relative early last night and slept in so why I am up right now is crazy.  I also took out a few kittens in the middle of my wash day so honestly I'm not even all that horny.  I've been traipsing around fetlife and reading and debating and trying to figure out what it is I really need right now.

To be sure I am hornier than all get out lately.  Having someone close by to take the edge off would be great.  However, it can't just be any one.  I'm at an age where I really know what I like in bed and don't want to have to explain it to someone.  That invites the exes to swing by but none of them are close and all but one would have to additionally learn what it means to play with me as a submissive.  To say that I challenged them in bed would be an understatement lol.  It wasn't a bratty kind of challenge but more of a fuck me harder please kind of challenge.  One that most of them rose to the occasion on, repeatedly and with gusto--pardon me while I drool a bit.  At the time that's all I needed to push me over the proverbial edge.  Well probably not but it's what was acceptable for me to ask for at the moment.  It's not that a good hard fucking won't do it now but if I'm being honest with myself and them I want a bit more than that now.  I want to be spanked.  I want to be force fed dick.  I want to feel used, spent and a little bit dirty.  Rope burn would be a major plus but that kind of all needs to be balanced against the need to feel like what happens between the sheets, on the floor, in the backseat of a car, driving down the highway or in the driveway in the rain is cherished as well.  Cherished may not be the right word as I don't think of men and cherishing things the same way they probably do.  Appreciated may, desired, not wanting to be shared with anyone else, I'm rambling but I hope that makes sense.

That all led to me to thinking about my next lifestyle relationship.  I identify as a submissive and have spent eight years or so as a babygirl to two different wonderful dominants.  I'm not sure how other people see that role but I know for me I enjoy a bit of pain with my semi princess title lol.  I was never super spoiled even I am spoiled--thank my biological father and the fact that I was his only daughter--and really don't regress into any kid of age play but I enjoy the element of tenderness I see in the Daddy/babygirl relationship.  That isn't to say I couldn't have it with a traditional Dom/sub situation I just haven't had that yet.  I can say that after years of little disappointments what I am looking for the most is consistency, honesty, mutual goals outside of the dynamic and shared ideas about the dynamic.  I don't follow anyone blindly because I am too inquisitive to do that.  red is a therapist, caretaker, writer, sci-fi geek, cartoon watching, nerd, music aficionado, baker, aspiring chef, teacher, avid reader, crafty vintage lover who also happens to really like being full of her partner while being choked and/or spanked, bound or otherwise violated.  I do have hard limits and there are just things that don't interest me at all (like water sports, anything at all to do with scats, human babies--diapers that size are effing scary, sharing my Dom with anyone but His family--I understand poly households but I would seriously have to be convinced to be in one, body piercings or brandings, rimming which I just find unpleasant, and a few others that I'm sure I am just not coming up with because it's 4 in the morning now).  You really can't be significantly younger than me at this point cause I find it hard enough to have a basic conversation with most people ten plus years younger than me and I don't enjoy having to explain the different members of Prince's bands, what George Michael looked like before he came out, what life was like when Madonna, Springsteen, Elton John, Bette Midler were all still touring, before Babs kept retiring, before there was a Celine, before autotune made crap music acceptable and why I firmly believe that if you can't sing live in person after I've paid to see you that you really can't sing. 

My preference is usually towards Black men, two or more years older than me, at least 6 feet tall with enough bass in their voices to make my clit tingle when they tell me to do something right now.  There is just a vibrato to Black men that melts my insides.  It's partially a skin color thing as I am extra chocolate myself lol and like to lick the sweat from chocolate thighs, chests, necks and every drop of skin that covers their dicks.  That doesn't mean I only date to type.  GN was almost a year younger than me and a few inches taller than me instead of 8 (ok probably 9 as I'm sure I'm shrinking) and on the peanut butter end of things.  I am attracted to white men as well but have yet to date one because when it comes to white men what is attractive to me is probably hypermasculine while maintaining a high level of intelligence.  They aren't all tall or super buff but they are in demanding careers, toned, most have facial hair or look good with facial hair, tattoos are optional but kinda effing rock on the right body type, they seem easy going and like they would turn me the hell out or keep me laughing so much I just want to wrap myself around them.  Accents are a huge plus but again not necessary.  If you happen to be melanin challenged and just need to know what type I see when I type this here is a random selection of white men who are attractive to me for different reasons: Adam Leveine, Jonathan Rhys Myers, Brian Urlacher, Stuart Townsend, Novak Djokovic, Brad Pitt, Blake Shelton, ok Bruno Mars isn't white but he has great swag, David Beckham even though I need for him to borrow some bass for his voice, Johnny Depp, the dude that played Thor recently (too lazy to look up his name), Richard Gasquet, Juan Martin Del Potro, and Janko Tipsarvic.  Short of being in good shape they have little in common to me. 

I need someone strong enough to stand up to me but not so hard headed that they don't pick up on when an approach really isn't working.  I enjoy serving but if you continue to be an ass my brain will start taking away your Dom points and before long you will be along side the exes who didn't even make it to primary man status.  I want to give, I want to hurt, I want to take all He has to offer and beg for more.  I want to plead, I want to cry, I want to crawl up in His lap and take Him into my mouth while He strokes my hair and tells me about His day.  I want to bitch, I want to moan, I want to throw a tantrum and have Him listen to me and laugh while planning how to bring me back to Him and His needs and then taking me away from all the "must be done" to what will be done.  I want someone that keeps promises, doesn't oversell their interests or abilities, that at least attempts to prove that I am important enough to sacrifice a bit of their time and energy for.  Sounds very basic and maybe even desirable to some of you reading but I am probably making it way more simplistic than the dynamics would really be.  I want to learn and get better and make my Dom delighted He put in the effort to tame me.  I also know some of what I want can't happen because I'm in charge of a 60 year old lady and she doesn't quite understand I enjoy making those noises that sound like I'm being abused.  Delicate balancing act to be sure but one I haven't given up on coming to pass.  Finally starting to yawn now.

good night
red

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Insomnia equals Fucking Machines?

Sunday, October 13, 2013 2 comments
Okay yeah not for most people but last night, this morning, whatever, I was up and bored and horny.  As you all should know, sacrificing a poor fluffy kitten to the insomnia gods usually makes me go to sleep but between the bored and horny I was also lazy and didn't want to get out of bed to set up my kinky evening/morning.  My fleeting fascination with a new sex toy to push me over the edge took me back to extreme restraints thanks to an ad on fetlife.  Which led me to their all too brief demos of their fucking machines, which by the way are available on amazon.com and somewhat at a discount if you want one lol.  Good old Amazon. 

Anyhoo, the forced manipulations of nether folds got me thinking, I've seen short clips of fucking videos before now and went in search of them.  But you know me I have to be difficult so I went looking for Black women hooked up to fucking machines of any kind and wouldn't you know it there are quite a few.  Some were dull as hell and weren't worth the time it took to find them.  However, there were six or seven others that intrigued both the kittens and insomnia gods who said they would hold off long enough to take out one of those kittens that by this time were being awfully annoying.

After added to my digital porn collection I started watching Jada Fire take on a few of the machines.  I don't recall her squirting the first time but when she switched positions and was getting fucked doggie style she lost her mind.  The depth was amazing visually and once the speed picked up it was over.  She began squirting like a water spout got flipped on.  I wasn't to be left out of the mix.  I easily slipped in the ohmibod and flipped the music on so it started probing my insides.  I exposed my clit a bit and let the sqweel 2 loose on it.  Not as much fun as being totally free handed and getting worked over but right around the time the deep thrusting made Jade squirt for the second time I had a nice big orgasm that made me clamp down on the vibrator and let my eyes roll around in their sockets a bit.  The kittens were happen, the insomnia gods were sated but I wasn't sleepy.  I went flipping through the clips again and watched two reasonably curvy sisters take on the machines and each other.  You read that right lesbian machine sex, sans bondage, and it was fucking hot.  I literally love being plowed from behind while my face is buried in creamy wet pussy so I was super jealous of this scene.  They both had nice thick cum covering the machine dicks and when they got into a 69 with one hooked up to the big machine and one being drilled with well a dick drill I helped reduce the kitten population yet again.  I love being that wet but I hate being that wet alone.

Somewhere around then I passed the hell out but it was around 8 in the morning.  I keep trying to decide if I am going to behave the rest of the day or if I am going to watch Marie Luv get worked over by a deep thrusting dildo and water spouts hitting her nether regions.

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Home Alone and Bored

Saturday, October 05, 2013 No comments
Don't be click the link below and watch a great live rope demonstration from MBE 2013

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/mbe2013

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Sunday Television, Hair Care, Mommy Detail and Sex

Sunday, September 29, 2013 No comments
This will be a big rambling mess so if you read it at all you have been warned.  I had very little planned for today.  My agenda consisted of entering in grades, creating an exam and study guide, washing my hair and maybe washing some clothes.  Yeah the clothes didn't even get looked at except in passing because my mother, who lives with me in case I haven't mentioned that lately, saw something in the local sales paper that she just bought yesterday and was convinced that she could return it to get the difference and then buy some more of said item.  Turns out as usual when my mother sees a sale that is too good to be true she read the flipping thing wrong and wasted about 30 minutes before throwing a for real tantrum about how she wanted the incorrect item at the non sale price (it was the regular price for the model a step down from what she bought) complete with foot stomping and fist banging on the counter.  I left her there and headed to the car during which drive home it was my fault for not arguing with them about giving her the non deal.  Suffice it to say I was stressed and it was too late to hit the gym and still reasonably get my hair done before work in the morning I needed to just hide away for a while and take care of my stuff.  Which is what I ended up doing and ate one of my salads while I worked on keeping my hair nice and healthy.  Complete with modified deep conditioning because I really didn't want to waste another hour after I got out of the shower.

So I had to figure out ways to kill time in the shower.  Shaving my legs was out since mom stole my razor.  Was already washing my hair.  Didn't want to soak in the tub and then stand up to wash all that off.  I was about to just give up when a burst of hot water hit my clit at just the right angle.  Then it occurred to me.  I hadn't made myself cum in the shower in a VERY long time.  Still didn't want to get out and grab the dildo du jour so I had to grab what was handy.  Several bottle of various liquids later and I hit the thing that drove me into hyper bunny mode.  It was heaven.  And just enough time killed killing kittens to rinse my hair and get on with the rest of my day.

I totally forgot about the season premier of Once Upon a Time and how many different ways they are spinning this season.  Was confused and took me a minute to figure out what was happening with everyone.  I endured Revenge because Betrayal was coming on after that.  Now I will say now I don't advocate cheating on your spouse and unless it's written well I really can't even tolerate depictions of it on tv or in movies.  For the record Unfaithful with Diane Lane (great), Mistresses (BBC America--fantastic), Mistresses (US version--hot garbage).  So while my pull was seeing Stuart Townsend be my eye candy had it been a craptastic journey I would not have been able to sit through it but I was literally pulling for him and random married lady to finally connect as they both seemed so lonely and lost in their respective lives.  Unfortunately this entanglement will be made more complicated as it must but it will be interesting.  And I realized something else today.  I am a sucker for a man with the right voice.  Stuart's accent right now is distracting me cause I'd rather hear his normal speaking voice but there's a certain vocal range that most of my long term significant others, playmates what not all possess save one and he was just really really talented lol.  Wonder what that says about my auditory senses and how hardwired that is to my clit?

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And after all this time we hit post 600

Friday, September 27, 2013 No comments
Not sure how long this will be.  I've been meaning to write this for a few days.  After the storm fronts moved in and out I was pretty well behaved.  As I mentioned busy men have lives that don't accommodate me being spoiled.  Plus they are no where near here so it would really just be lots of dead kittens.  With no fodder the kittens were safe, for a while anyway lol.  As soon as they started sleeping easier I got a pervy message and assumed it was from one of the other folks I had been chatting with recently.  Nope not at all.  Instead it was another former playmate who had a proposition for me.  If I would cum to see him he'd make me squirt.  It's probably one of the only things sexually that I want to see if I can do that I haven't already.  But alas he, like the others, is no where near here.  It did make for some playful banter and a kitten or two made it to kitty heaven but nothing long term or as intense as the last session I described for you.  That still makes me smile.

But since I have been tossing around old memories of those folks two things have happened.  I am still finding myself randomly horny when I need to be concentrating.  And when I notice it I just get wetter.  Thankfully the dress code is pretty lax otherwise I'd be soaking through my dress pants daily.  Additionally every time my nipples get exposed to any kind of air they are rock hard and sometimes painful.  That's great if they are being twisted or being suckled on not so great if you are just trying to get undressed.  That part is confusing the mess out of me and I either need someone to get me off or I guess start wearing a new bra all the time to stop the girls from pointing at people.

Whatcha think?

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So I've been thinking....

Saturday, September 21, 2013 No comments
We know how dangerous it is when I start thinking about anything too long but just because of what has happened over the last few weeks that reminded me that my submission is still important to me it just has no outlet at the moment I started thinking about about starting the professional/nerdy/smart subbie girl directory.  I would probably link from this page but as I envision it the page would be freestanding and develop content there all on its own.  I'm not sure if there's really a need for it or that I would really be the best person to run such a site but it has been bouncing around in my head for the last few years.  I think if I jump in and buy the domain then I will coerce myself into doing something but I really don't want to launch nothing and with no interest.  I see that a few of you still read but not much in the way of commenting so maybe such a thing doesn't need to exist because there's no interest.  Ehh I'm rambling.

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evolution

Wednesday, September 18, 2013 2 comments
For the last few months I've been in a holding pattern regarding submission.  I'm not sure if I've fully resolved which direction to go but what has been done wasn't working and I'm not sure which way to head now.  I always imagined I would let my dom guide me into the best submissive version of me I could be but that's not realistic either.  I have a firm idea of what I want and who I want to be **BUT** I'm not sure that person can really be an ideal sub. 

I can admit that I'm spoiled and I like it that way.  I like having his undivided attention for as long as we can both give it to each other.  Grown up life means there are limits to that I know but I loved being tucked in literally and figuratively by the man I belong to.  I sometimes struggle with that phrase, belong to, but ultimately it's what I hope to be the case in any new relationship.

I'm head strong, intelligent, independent and mostly capable of taking care of myself most of the time.  What I want is to release myself into someone's care.  I want to let my brain disengage when I feel his hands brush against my skin.  I want to let out that deep satisfied sigh when I curl around him and inhale his skin in the crook of his neck.  I want to be the thing that winds him up and drains him dry just because he wants it that way.

My brain gets off on being used but not degraded.  It's a fine line.  I think that's why I have had a mental block to having a dom that wasn't Black or at least ethnic.  I'm not sure if I can play all out with a non Black dom because I would be desperately afraid that he would slip into the race play realm and totally shut down my sex drive and attraction to him forever.  And I doubt anyone would do that intentionally but yeah heat of the moment we all say things we didn't intend lol.  I was about to give you an example but no I intend to say gimme when I'm milking a nut from my dom it just sounds like a borderline petulant brat part begging/demanding something though.

At some point I either have to be open to whatever is out there or just admit that what I want is not likely to exist in any one man.  I'm not frustrated as much as I am confused now.  Having my sex drive makes no sense when I have no one to unleash it on.  Decisions, decisions.

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Anyone have any of these?

Tuesday, September 17, 2013 2 comments
Please click the link below.  This came up when I was playing around on fetlife and they allegedly have a pair for larger nipples (the pair I'm showing).

What do you think of THESE

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When it Rains It Floods

Friday, September 13, 2013 2 comments
At least at my place it does.  I will blame green lantern for the latest downpour.  She didn't do anything directly but in her ever increasing efforts to get me naked and under some nice strong man who drills me into the mattress repeatedly until I collapse in a sweaty heap sated and falling asleep with a nice hard dick in my mouth (say that whole thing four times fast) she inspired me to reach out to the cause of the last storm.  I was bored and semi horny after the other night so I obliged my own curiosity and before I knew it I could feel the pressure building up in my lower lips.  If I am totally honest the tingly sensation started in the office when I started thinking back on the last night of ohmibod fun.  We were chatting it up and right as the need to cum and go to sleep hit me again his phone died.  Which was unfortunate because apparently I sound fan fucking tastic when I cum lol.  I grabbed my MP3 powered goodie and took off the last bit of clothing I had been wearing before climbing back into bed. I tried to wait a few minutes but yeah he wasn't calling fast enough and I didn't want to come alone.  I sent GN a text and he was happy to listen in as I euthanized a whole shelter of kittens.

Normally one maybe two orgasms and I'm good for the night.  The thought of combining that tongue with GN's dommy goodness sent me over the edge.  I went all subbie aggressive, which really just constitutes talking enough crap with which to elicit the necessary dom edge from whomever is drilling me, and had a blast.  The wetness just kept increasing and dripping and puddling with each orgasm.  I say each because I stopped counting once the inside of my thighs started to get sticky from all the extra fluid that was there.  At one point in the call a text from tongue came in and that just made it all worse.  I started daydreaming about being on a leash in the middle of a room and pulled from one shiny slick dick to the other one.  GN in one corner and tongue in the other.  And whomever wasn't getting serviced was wearing me out in which ever way they saw fit at the moment.  Spanking, fisting, fucking, tickling my clit until I damn near went limp.  Oh yeah for vivid imagination.  I didn't answer but it was mostly because I couldn't be coherent at that point if I wanted to.  I kept letting the image play in my head while I panted and twisted my nipples and coaxed an orgasm or two from GN.  I think I came for the last time after he reminded me what it felt like to be bent over, splayed open and getting drilled from above--slowly at first to let him fill me up and then like a jackhammer until my knees almost buckle and I slather him in juices.  The only thing better than that is being pulled up and having to adjust my breathing almost immediately as cum coated shaft is shoved down my throat.  About an hour after I started cumming I finally stopped cumming enough to curl up and go to sleep.

Oh it was such a good night of sleep after that.  Later it did make me think of something.  How many doms would be willing to share a sub?  Maybe I need more than one, I mean my sex drive is kinda ridiculous but beyond that all the men that I know that could potentially dom me all have lots of family commitments so being tied up and fucked on the regular may not be possible.  Eh, whatever that will sort itself out.  In the mean time I have two requests for a live kitten killing session.  What do you think?

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drip drop drip drop

Tuesday, September 10, 2013 2 comments
There has been unexpected moisture between my thighs lately.  That is not how ex-boyfriend season usually starts.  It usually begins with men I haven't thought about let alone wondered about in years finding some random way to connect to me.  And after that connection is made they normally go from hey how you doing to hey wanna get naked in about 3.5 minutes.  Which usually is a decided turn off.  I mean there's a reason we don't talk anymore and there's definitely a reason I haven't tried to ring that bell again.  Usually the contact results in me remembering why we split up and being comforted that while I have matured into the fantastically subby girl I am they are a wee bit stunted and thus of no use to subby me. 

That is until this season started.  Let me be clear I still got an asinine contact from one who is contemplating moving here--for allegedly reasons other than me which is good because all I remember about having sex with him is I unfortunately left my nail polish out of reach and had nothing to do while he was "putting in work" because there was nothing of merit to note about the penetration.  Excessive stamina and lack of girth is never a good combination just so we're all on the same page.  However, shortly after the at least let me see you conversation came up I got a late night message from another blast from the past.  I'm not sure if I've mentioned him before.  He was always my test ex.  And by that I mean if I was in a relationship with anyone and I could still make myself cum or want to cum thinking about him then I wasn't as committed as I wanted to be.  I cannot tell you what he did precisely but there was always a time lapse effect when we had sex.  I don't mean that movie slow motion crap either.  I mean it felt like time stopped whenever we got intertwined and sometimes we were panting in a heap a few minutes later and other times literal hours had gone by and we were lost inhaling each other.  He was my oral champion.  His tongue could do things that deserve a medal.  If I ever thought he was capable of being faithful I would have stuck it out for the long haul because he was/is smart and funny and can talk about nearly anything and make anything dirty at a moment's notice.  Who doesn't love that?  Well apparently the lack of partner and partner penetration got the better of my psyche and kitty.

I woke up the morning after seeing his message moist and tingly.  Went to work shook it off and then talked to him a bit later that night.  Same old same old and it's nice to be objectified in the right way lol.  I don't think he could be a dom ever but such a shame.  The things I would do for that tongue.  Please don't blame me for all the poor kittens that may die over the next few weeks either.  Ex-boyfriend season is never really long and it's usually not this wet.  At best I might see one and carefully create a reason to avoid seeing any parts of them naked.  But last night my ohmibod sounded like it was splashing in a puddle.  I haven't been sopping wet in so long it was both intriguing and frustrating.  Did I mention that tongue?

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It's Raining It's Pouring

Wednesday, July 24, 2013 No comments
I'm sad tonight.  Well this morning I guess depending on where you live.  It's been raining and y'all know how much I love a good storm.  But tonight it just made me think about the fact that I'm sleeping alone.  I don't even have a good snuggle option now because I've worn out my stuffed elephant and the bear is so not cute enough to snuggle with.  I miss him, all of them (well except Emperor, been there did that burned the t shirt) on nights like this.  I'm moving in a few days and short of setting up shop in a new place and starting my new job there's nothing stellar on the horizon there either.  Let me not say that.  It could be fantastic I just don't have a snuggle buddy right now.  That sucks.

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Random Things You Find Out During Insomnia Fits

Thursday, June 06, 2013 No comments
So I was going to kill some kittens cause I was bored and there was cable rated porn on the tube.  But then I started watching Ella Enchanted which killed the mood entirely but I love it so it's okay.  And then I started watching Hysteria and yes I was familiar with the diagnosis being given to women to basically cover any reason we may not be thrilled with life.  I didn't know one of the treatments at the time was nothing more than doctor assisted orgasm and when their hands started to cramp they may lose patients because you know a girl loves a good orgasm.  In the movie he and a friend stumble upon the electric vibrator because the friend was inventing an electric cleaning device that rotated.  Well turns out the movie wasn't that far off, treatment wise it wasn't totally accurate about the development of the vibrator or this particular doctor's use of it for the purpose of orgasm.  Dr. Mortimer Granville is his name and apparently he was none too pleased about the devices misuse by others but as many self induced orgasms as I have had from the modern derivatives of his lovely device I hope he's well in heaven.

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Insomnia makes for great BS detection

Thursday, May 30, 2013 No comments
My wave of jacked up sleeping has returned unfortunately but it has allowed me to watch some craptastic movies the last few days.  Last night I was privy to the whole monstrosity that is Blessed and Cursed.  The movie is about a young man who finds himself needing to get right with the Lord and how his "music ministry" is empowering and ultimately almost derailed by a jealous "bishop" who has become slightly corrupted by the money flowing into the church.  Really it could have been decent but the acting was bad, granted most of the people in the movie are gospel singers not actors, and there were 50-11 cutaways of the main character randomly walking for no apparent reason.  And the culmination of said film is him singing a random song he wrote in his father's church that his dead mother was able to pay on without anyone in the family knowing about.  BUT the kicker with the song is it sounds more than vaguely like Purple Rain but of course with a gospel spin.  I thought it was just sleep deprivation but when I googled the song and Purple Rain yeah apparently I wasn't the only one that caught it and were going really dude.  Oh and somehow he signed a record deal and went on tour and made lots of money also with lots of cutaways and concert reactions that look more like a hip hop show than what I think of when I think of a gospel concert.

Tonight I watched Wild Things: Foursome and I'm currently watching Basic Instinct 2.  The best thing about Wild Things is that it ended.  Plot holes, stupid connections and all of the main characters are dead at the end of the movie.  Basic Instinct 2 I really wanted to like but the relationship between Catherine and the shrink is so over the top and so just fucking ridiculous it makes me sad they did this to that very intriguing character with the ice pick.  Ah well, it will be over with soon too I'm sure.


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wet dream interrupted by well water

Thursday, April 25, 2013 No comments
I have been falling asleep randomly the last few days.  I think my body is trying to finally fight the insomnia fits but it hasn't been totally successful.  Tonight I fell asleep semi on schedule and was having the best dream EVER.  I was in bed with someone I had apparently already had sex with.  I was laying semi on my side naked from the waist down and was laying on the bend of their arm.  We were snuggling a bit when that familiar bulge was brushing between my thighs.  A few whispered giggles later and we were grinding into each other very very slowly.  I could almost feel my hips rolling back to meet him and getting ready to burst into yet another orgasm when I heard a loud plop.  It wasn't the kind of plop that would be embarrassing it was just distracting.  So on the verge of nocturnal orgasm I was jolted awake by the stupid toilet.  Yeah for some reason something is backed up in the line and large air bubbles were escaping my toilet.  After snaking the toilet and watching the water build up in both potties and then tubs I called the landlord to make sure she got someone out here tomorrow and then we turned off water to the potties.  Yeah turned it back on cause someone (not me) needed to pee and everything flushed and the water in the tubs drained with no hesitation.  Still want someone to check the line because if the nice grip on my neck and roll of my hips gets interrupted again I'm gonna be pissed.

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In a weird head space..

Friday, March 15, 2013 No comments
I have no idea where this post will end up but I'm kind of frustrated.  I've been mostly unemployed, I say mostly because I still teach part time in the evenings when I can, for the last two months and that has given me way more free time than I want.  It has helped with the insomnia that I haven't needed to get up for anything but I don't like not working, I need to be busier than I am.  At the same time, communication has almost entirely shut down with the ex.  Every time I really start missing him, as I mentioned in my last post, something turns up and pisses me off and then I just let it go again.  Him being here would probably just make this time worse too because then I'd be home looking at him struggling to deal with me and the situation with his ex so again I guess that's a good thing too that he's not here.  While I joke about it in my vanilla/professional life I'm tired and upset that I'm currently single with no children.  It doesn't overwhelm me but it makes me feel out of sorts that short of getting my degree and doing my best to take care of my mother nothing I've planned on has worked out as planned. 

I wasn't delusional enough to think I'd marry Emperor but I could have seen myself locked in his dungeon for a while.  Roaming Soldier and that whole thing feels like a daydream at this point.  He was everything I ever really wanted complete with cute little daughter and I haven't heard from him since he apologized for being away and disappearing again.  When I tried to reply a few weeks/months later that it was okay and I wanted him to get in touch as soon as he could, the account was closed.  And the last implosion ehhh just don't even want to get into that.  So since I didn't take my own advice really the last decade of my life was spent in back to back relationships with no time to decompress and sort out what went wrong.  I mean I know but emotionally it's always messy.  Now I'm wondering if I'm even subbie cause I'm so disinterested in being someone's little girl right now.  It just isn't appealing.  Really I'm feeling very asexual most of the time.  I orgasm from time to time but I'm not remotely needing someone else to be there right now.

What I want right now is a job and an adorable little kid.  A husband would be nice but isn't part of what I envision right now which is weird cause I've always said I want to do things in order but wanting is NOT working out.  Then there's the whole Taken in Hand thing that has entered my brain.  It lines up with what I used to daydream about.  A nice strong safe man that I could follow faithfully, makes me want to wear my aprons and cook and make martinis--that's more 1950s I know but that's I guess what I'm thinking of.  I wan to be able to surrender to someone that I can fully trust and depend on and love.  I've continued to be wrong whenever I think I've found him which could be why I'm just zoned out from the possibility of it now.  I know you're probably tired of the bitching and just really miss the smut.  When I have some for you believe me you'll get it.  I have no inspiration right now unfortunately.

Anyhoo welcome to my one lone follower.  Hopefully it's interesting if nothing else.


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Jumbled and Messy

Thursday, March 07, 2013 No comments
So yeah I've been absent a bit again.  I really didn't have much to say and was considering just shutting things down permanently.  That didn't seem to make a lot of sense because I come here to vent and where would I do that if I wasn't in this space.  Anyway, as I've been driving around from work or to interviews I've had a lot of time with my Zune.  Last night One Foot Wrong, Carry On and Just a Fool came on in sequence.  I love all three artists (Pink, Fun and Christina Aguilera & Blake Shelton) so I listened to them a few times in a row.  And it made me start thinking about most recent ex.  I came home thinking I should call him and chat and see if there's any hope there really.  Then I picked up a piece of mail that came to the house for him which was a reminder of all the stupid ish I asked him to handle a certain way, he promptly did it another way and that way ultimately keeps coming back to bite him in the ass.  These reminders don't come often but they do seem to coincide when I get tired of being by myself and having to take care of things all on my own.  Whatever higher power is looking out for me intervenes and I appreciate that because right now he's not in any place to make things easier.  He may never be in that place and I don't want to resent him or perpetually be angry.  Those are not good looks.

I've been feeling all over the place anyway because I know what I want I'm just not sure how it's going to look.  I would like a man that is strong and in control and able to be followed.  I'm not sure if that's going to be a traditional d/s or bdsm relationship though.  I've been thinking more about the 50s household and taken in hand relationships which may be more easy to navigate without having to hide the whips and chains and ball gags from mom.  I'm a subbie girl by heart but maybe my life won't allow for that at this stage.  Ehh blah.




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What's a bored subbie girl to do?

Saturday, February 16, 2013 No comments
I ask that somewhat ironically as I'm not feeling terribly submissive lately.  Looking for jobs is a full time job and while I keep getting interviews I'm not sure if I'm disconnected from everything and am not going over the way I'd like.  Plus working for universities means slow hiring process.  Either way, my life is mostly consumed with that.

Green Lantern tried to introduce me to someone knew because she was being a sweetheart and I love her for that but when I started getting inquisitive I think I irritated him a bit.  I know I can be irritating though so I'm not sure if it was intentional or accidental if I was at all.  We weren't in the same dating space if that makes sense though.  After two very long term relationships, I'm enjoying the break.  Well most of the time I'm enjoying the break.  When I see cute kids or think about my nieces too long I get a little sad that I'm nearing forty with no spouse and no kids but that is my life and not a whole lot I can do to change that right now.

Back to the point of this post.  I am a tiny bit bored.  I love that I have a world of opportunities open to me right now but I don't have enough to do.  There are projects I could undertake but eh not intriguing enough to keep me stimulated.  Plus there's the whole submissive thing.  I don't know if I mentioned it before but I trashed a lot of old toys.  They weren't being used and I didn't anticipate a time in which they would be.  They were purchased during my relationship with RS and it seemed inappropriate to keep holding on to them on the off chance that someone knew stole my breath and made moist. 

It's hard to remain in a submissive state of mind when those relationships haven't panned out well and because of general life interference has eliminated coming to a common understanding of a Daddy/little girl or D/s relationship.  RS and I seemed to be on the same page but yeah fighting in a war and not coming back puts a damper on things.  And GN/last him had so much going on with his ex and that drama that he was either not mentally there or doing way too much too fast. 

I'm not sure what I'm wanting right now but I know I don't quite have it whatever that may be.

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hello people

Tuesday, January 29, 2013 No comments
not sure what to update you with right now.  life is still moving forward like must.  clearly i'm having an insomnia fit cause i'm wide awake at almost 2 in the morning.  still on the job hunt for a new permanent gig.  applying all over for a variety of things.  have an interview later today so i should set my alarm so i'm not waking up 20 minutes before the interview.  ordered shoes but sending them back because they were too freaking tight.  i'm in a non holding holding pattern lol. things are still very fluid about what i'll do and when but i still have more options than i thought i would for some reason.  still a disconnect between lifestyle and life but that's partially cause i have no partner either lol.  ahh well.  what's up with you guys.

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