For the last few months I've been in a holding pattern regarding submission. I'm not sure if I've fully resolved which direction to go but what has been done wasn't working and I'm not sure which way to head now. I always imagined I would let my dom guide me into the best submissive version of me I could be but that's not realistic either. I have a firm idea of what I want and who I want to be **BUT** I'm not sure that person can really be an ideal sub.
I can admit that I'm spoiled and I like it that way. I like having his undivided attention for as long as we can both give it to each other. Grown up life means there are limits to that I know but I loved being tucked in literally and figuratively by the man I belong to. I sometimes struggle with that phrase, belong to, but ultimately it's what I hope to be the case in any new relationship.
I'm head strong, intelligent, independent and mostly capable of taking care of myself most of the time. What I want is to release myself into someone's care. I want to let my brain disengage when I feel his hands brush against my skin. I want to let out that deep satisfied sigh when I curl around him and inhale his skin in the crook of his neck. I want to be the thing that winds him up and drains him dry just because he wants it that way.
My brain gets off on being used but not degraded. It's a fine line. I think that's why I have had a mental block to having a dom that wasn't Black or at least ethnic. I'm not sure if I can play all out with a non Black dom because I would be desperately afraid that he would slip into the race play realm and totally shut down my sex drive and attraction to him forever. And I doubt anyone would do that intentionally but yeah heat of the moment we all say things we didn't intend lol. I was about to give you an example but no I intend to say gimme when I'm milking a nut from my dom it just sounds like a borderline petulant brat part begging/demanding something though.
At some point I either have to be open to whatever is out there or just admit that what I want is not likely to exist in any one man. I'm not frustrated as much as I am confused now. Having my sex drive makes no sense when I have no one to unleash it on. Decisions, decisions.