Baby It's 3 AM & I am not Matchbox 20

Tuesday, October 15, 2013
I am bored out of my skull and for some reason not remotely sleepy.  I went to bed relative early last night and slept in so why I am up right now is crazy.  I also took out a few kittens in the middle of my wash day so honestly I'm not even all that horny.  I've been traipsing around fetlife and reading and debating and trying to figure out what it is I really need right now.

To be sure I am hornier than all get out lately.  Having someone close by to take the edge off would be great.  However, it can't just be any one.  I'm at an age where I really know what I like in bed and don't want to have to explain it to someone.  That invites the exes to swing by but none of them are close and all but one would have to additionally learn what it means to play with me as a submissive.  To say that I challenged them in bed would be an understatement lol.  It wasn't a bratty kind of challenge but more of a fuck me harder please kind of challenge.  One that most of them rose to the occasion on, repeatedly and with gusto--pardon me while I drool a bit.  At the time that's all I needed to push me over the proverbial edge.  Well probably not but it's what was acceptable for me to ask for at the moment.  It's not that a good hard fucking won't do it now but if I'm being honest with myself and them I want a bit more than that now.  I want to be spanked.  I want to be force fed dick.  I want to feel used, spent and a little bit dirty.  Rope burn would be a major plus but that kind of all needs to be balanced against the need to feel like what happens between the sheets, on the floor, in the backseat of a car, driving down the highway or in the driveway in the rain is cherished as well.  Cherished may not be the right word as I don't think of men and cherishing things the same way they probably do.  Appreciated may, desired, not wanting to be shared with anyone else, I'm rambling but I hope that makes sense.

That all led to me to thinking about my next lifestyle relationship.  I identify as a submissive and have spent eight years or so as a babygirl to two different wonderful dominants.  I'm not sure how other people see that role but I know for me I enjoy a bit of pain with my semi princess title lol.  I was never super spoiled even I am spoiled--thank my biological father and the fact that I was his only daughter--and really don't regress into any kid of age play but I enjoy the element of tenderness I see in the Daddy/babygirl relationship.  That isn't to say I couldn't have it with a traditional Dom/sub situation I just haven't had that yet.  I can say that after years of little disappointments what I am looking for the most is consistency, honesty, mutual goals outside of the dynamic and shared ideas about the dynamic.  I don't follow anyone blindly because I am too inquisitive to do that.  red is a therapist, caretaker, writer, sci-fi geek, cartoon watching, nerd, music aficionado, baker, aspiring chef, teacher, avid reader, crafty vintage lover who also happens to really like being full of her partner while being choked and/or spanked, bound or otherwise violated.  I do have hard limits and there are just things that don't interest me at all (like water sports, anything at all to do with scats, human babies--diapers that size are effing scary, sharing my Dom with anyone but His family--I understand poly households but I would seriously have to be convinced to be in one, body piercings or brandings, rimming which I just find unpleasant, and a few others that I'm sure I am just not coming up with because it's 4 in the morning now).  You really can't be significantly younger than me at this point cause I find it hard enough to have a basic conversation with most people ten plus years younger than me and I don't enjoy having to explain the different members of Prince's bands, what George Michael looked like before he came out, what life was like when Madonna, Springsteen, Elton John, Bette Midler were all still touring, before Babs kept retiring, before there was a Celine, before autotune made crap music acceptable and why I firmly believe that if you can't sing live in person after I've paid to see you that you really can't sing. 

My preference is usually towards Black men, two or more years older than me, at least 6 feet tall with enough bass in their voices to make my clit tingle when they tell me to do something right now.  There is just a vibrato to Black men that melts my insides.  It's partially a skin color thing as I am extra chocolate myself lol and like to lick the sweat from chocolate thighs, chests, necks and every drop of skin that covers their dicks.  That doesn't mean I only date to type.  GN was almost a year younger than me and a few inches taller than me instead of 8 (ok probably 9 as I'm sure I'm shrinking) and on the peanut butter end of things.  I am attracted to white men as well but have yet to date one because when it comes to white men what is attractive to me is probably hypermasculine while maintaining a high level of intelligence.  They aren't all tall or super buff but they are in demanding careers, toned, most have facial hair or look good with facial hair, tattoos are optional but kinda effing rock on the right body type, they seem easy going and like they would turn me the hell out or keep me laughing so much I just want to wrap myself around them.  Accents are a huge plus but again not necessary.  If you happen to be melanin challenged and just need to know what type I see when I type this here is a random selection of white men who are attractive to me for different reasons: Adam Leveine, Jonathan Rhys Myers, Brian Urlacher, Stuart Townsend, Novak Djokovic, Brad Pitt, Blake Shelton, ok Bruno Mars isn't white but he has great swag, David Beckham even though I need for him to borrow some bass for his voice, Johnny Depp, the dude that played Thor recently (too lazy to look up his name), Richard Gasquet, Juan Martin Del Potro, and Janko Tipsarvic.  Short of being in good shape they have little in common to me. 

I need someone strong enough to stand up to me but not so hard headed that they don't pick up on when an approach really isn't working.  I enjoy serving but if you continue to be an ass my brain will start taking away your Dom points and before long you will be along side the exes who didn't even make it to primary man status.  I want to give, I want to hurt, I want to take all He has to offer and beg for more.  I want to plead, I want to cry, I want to crawl up in His lap and take Him into my mouth while He strokes my hair and tells me about His day.  I want to bitch, I want to moan, I want to throw a tantrum and have Him listen to me and laugh while planning how to bring me back to Him and His needs and then taking me away from all the "must be done" to what will be done.  I want someone that keeps promises, doesn't oversell their interests or abilities, that at least attempts to prove that I am important enough to sacrifice a bit of their time and energy for.  Sounds very basic and maybe even desirable to some of you reading but I am probably making it way more simplistic than the dynamics would really be.  I want to learn and get better and make my Dom delighted He put in the effort to tame me.  I also know some of what I want can't happen because I'm in charge of a 60 year old lady and she doesn't quite understand I enjoy making those noises that sound like I'm being abused.  Delicate balancing act to be sure but one I haven't given up on coming to pass.  Finally starting to yawn now.

good night
red

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