I am in a weird place in my head again. I have other things working the way I want them to be most of the time at the moment. I'm getting to the gym on a more regular basis, 5 times last week thank you very much, I'm eating better, cooking and doing more of what I want without feeling guilty, I'm even flirting a bit more even though it may not be with the best options for me sometimes. There is nothing wrong with them at all but let's be honest my man radar is screwed up from time to time. The men that make me drip and desperate for a spanking tend to do that to lots of people so making them mine all mine is difficult at best. I've attempted to do the "not my type men" too. They are sweet and the attention is nice but ultimately the thing I need to make me crawl over to them on my knees whenever they get home is missing from them. I need the ones that could sit in a high backed chair with one bit of light focused on them just enough for me to see their eyes and mouth while they watch me intently until that curl of a lip happens letting me know that it was time to prove my love and affection repeatedly for the rest of the night. Rug burn adorning my body while they may or may not have even bothered to take off more than their tie.
was talking to diva this morning and realized that before I knew who I
was fully I would pursue a good fucking with reckless abandon hoping
that he would figure out what I really needed was to be made to feel
used, to be in his possession, to fulfill whatever nasty little daydream
he could have ever thought of. One somewhat did but he never took it
to the next level of kinky. He could fuck me within an inch of my life,
and oh he did on more than one occasion including days where if I could
have escaped I so would have cause I wanted to keep walking, and he
would let me know that I was his when he called for whatever he called.
However, that next level of internal longing could never be realized
partially because I couldn't voice what that need was and because he
wouldn't have been able to do that for me anyway.
that I know what I want, short of being very explicit when asked, I suck
at being aggressive. I also suck aggressively but that's during
private time with a lucky gentleman. All of that bravado that got me
sticky and wet once upon a time now is lost. There are a few folks that
if they asked, and I thought they were ready to really take ownership
of me, could have that without me blinking twice or thinking hard about
it. But they don't ask and neither do I. That voice inside of me that
didn't care about the risk or potential denial of my lust is gone away.
She has been replaced by a woman who needs to be taken, claimed, and
owned. One who when properly folded into to her partner's pocket is an
intriguing, to say the least, new toy. I have yet to master the concept
of needing my partner in the traditional sense. I can and do take care
of myself quite well but there's another kind of need I have. A
longing, a desire, an unsated want that keeps me searching for the man
that can cause a slack in the thirst until the next time he takes me and
torments me and makes me feel whole. The one that challenges my mind
before he throws me off balance. The one I can take to a sorority
function and who at a moment's notice may signal me to meet him in the
closest bathroom where he fucks me four ways to Sunday before we rejoin
the crowd. The one whose voice on a digital message makes me mad I
missed the call, my brain get a little fuzzy and creates a stirring in
the center of my creamy goodness. That creamy center that really likes
being flooded with his seed. There's a different level of "you are
mine" when you feel him force himself deeper inside of you when his nut
is releasing. Don't get me wrong I love a good hot mouthful of cum and
firmly believe that semen is a great moisturizer but when you don't have
to do anything but receive him the world is such a lovely place. That
may not happen anytime soon, if ever again, but oh the rush of that
moment. I know it made me orgasm yet again when it happened before.
any man that thinks I may be talking to you or desperately wishes I
was. My need isn't typical but it's there. I got the bills, I can take
care of my car, I'm not afraid of spiders, I'm open to having "friends"
share our bed, I understand and like most sports, and at no point am I
expecting you to be my everything. I will readily admit to wanting you
to anyone that asks but that basic kind of need of you isn't there.
It's deeper, it's dirty, it's depraved and whenever you feed that need
it only makes me more totally and completely yours.