I'm warning you now this is going to be all over the place so if you keep reading and are later confused totally not my fault. I am in the middle of that moment in time that all women hate unless of course they have been indiscriminately having unprotected sex and are hoping against hope there isn't a bun in the oven. I'm all for that if you are actively having sex but if you are being a good girl, chaste, almost a nun even we should get a pass on that for a while. This shit is for the birds. Especially since the timing is unpredictable and I haven't gotten the wave of pain down again. A morphine drip would be real nie right now just so we're clear.
Now to part of why I opened up the blog tonight. Inspired by Sophie's book which I talked about in my last post I started looking for other books that looked less like 50 Shades of Crap (I hate that
book really) and more like someone really struggling to deal with their submission and how that impacted their future relationship options. Turns out there aren't very many and when I narrowed it down to submissive tomes by Black/African American women there was nothing that wasn't fictional. Most of that was Black subs/White Doms fantasy stuff as well. If that gets you off great but generally speaking I like my Doms taller than me and somewhere on the chocolate spectrum--yes I know white chocolate would technically be on that spectrum but it's an acquired taste and occasional treat not an everyday thing unless of course Adam Levine or Justin Timberlake or John Cena or a few other folks have a random desire to become my Dom in which case we will be swirling it up in this here spot. Where was I? Oh yeah, nothing from a Black woman's perspective. That made me go look online again and let me to set up a twitter account for this blog and bloglovin' follow option for those that like it. It's not like I have a ton of followers, 2 as of this moment to be precise, on twitter so asking for Black submision blogs was probably silly. However, thanks to ever helpful who to follow emails from twitter I found at least one new blog to check out. After the blog is updated I will update the blog roll as well to include folks that are still actively blogging and more that I find by folks with some pigment. Nothing wrong with blogs from the non pigmented but looking to add to who I can check out. I'm also look for more blogs from single subs or newly partnered subs. There are plenty of this is how we maintain our D/s dynamic but not as much (to my eyes anyway) as to how you navigate the being single, considering new partners, moments of being disillusioned, etc.
I'm dealing with a weird moment now as well. I'm still friends with GN and don't envision that changing. We were friends well before we were a W/we. I was a little sad last night talking to him because according to my warped logic if he had repaired things with his ex whom he has been aking care of for the last few years then it would somehow make our demise better. I know that only makes sense to me and that's okay but the fact that they are probably less friendly now than at the time of our split just made me cranky. It doesn't pull us any closer to a reconciliation and honestly I'm not even sure that would work but it just threw me off balance more than I thought it would. Well I know now it was partially because mother nature is jacking with my hormone levels but it also made me aware that I tend to be an emotional masochist as well.
Two of my Doms were clearly not fully available to me emotionally and I was somehow convinced that my love and submission would be enough to break down that wall. I've had the same issue in my vanilla relationships as well. I've dated all kinds of men but there was a level we connected on, usually physical, that could not outweigh the parts they could not or would not provide to me. I was mistaken in thinking my problems in this area would be alleviated by the power dynamic of D/s. I am the type of sub that will be helplessly and wholeheartedly committed to my Dom. I understand in theory being owned but not loved by my Dom and in turn not loving Him. In practice, I have yet to pull it off. I need some sort of connection otherwise I can't really let go in a scene or with that person and believe me when I say I'm a joy and a treat when I fully let go. I have seen some Doms that look interesting on Fetlife but who remind me of exes in how they present so I haven't pursued. I also haven't said boo to those that are looking to increase their poly family. I am entirely too spoiled to enjoy sharing my Dom for more than an evening or long weekend. I need his time and attention especially very early on in a relationship. There may be a time when I get there but it will take the exact right Dom/situation along with more growth on my part. When I see shows like Sister Wives I admire their hustle but do not on any level understand sharing my partner in that way.
It could be the best thing for me in the long run but in the here and now as a single sub I want some undivided attention from my Dom type. I crave the touching and spanking and connecting and hair pulling and growled whispers and the whimpering. I've considered casually playing but unless I attend a conference of some sort I can't do that. Conference=vacation and what happens on vacation isn't real life lol. Not to mention the town I live in is too small to randomly connect to someone I won't see at the store in a week or two. I like my anonymity. I like a red hot bottom as well but it's worth my privacy at the moment to not have the other. I'm just a big old mess right now.
If you have any good book or blog recommendations please share. I'm going to go read Sophie's last book, No Ordinary Love.