Random Musings, seriousy really random

Saturday, June 28, 2014
I know two posts in the same day you are going to lose your mind with so much of the weirdness that emanates from my brain.  Because the things that are on my brain right now aren't remotely connected I'm just going to make bullet points and I may go back to flesh them out as needed.  So here goes...

  • I have stopped trying to make sense of my dreams and will chalk them up to late night chicken whenever I can.  Yes I know there's usually something there but as I have a tendency to over analyze my waking life doing so with my sleepy time can get overwhelming. I should figure them out really I should but it's so much nicer for something to click but then again as I mentioned yesterday I'm very much of the literal mindset when it comes to my own life.  Others not so much but my own yeah I don't like the wide from for interpretation crap.
  • My mother is like the best birth control ever.  If I wasn't so busy taking care of her and dealing with her random mood swing I may have been knocked up six times or more likely on a slutty tour of the planet every summer.  She is also indirect motivation to get to the gym cause any time away from her is a blessing some days.
  • I am horny as all hell both for the known entities in my life and those that challenge my thoughts.  If I could combine attributes of all the men that I find intriguing into one human this blog would likely go dark because I'd be homeless because I'd be trying to figure out how to please Him next and get fired from my job.  Ok that's not true, red likes having a place to sleep damn it lol and I like eating and I like talking about all the good sex I'm having but the key there is I'd be having some fucking amazing sex and I'd be talking about it a lot.
  • I am super duper insecure about my submission right now as well.  That seems to be a push pull for me.  My sexuality I understand pretty plainly.  I like sex and dominant men spark that need to orgasm.  However, it makes my brain fuzzy and I'm never quite sure if all they want is another ride on the multiple orgasm express (that sounds like a smutty story in the offing, makes a mental note of that) or they truly want to journey with me to the depths of my depravity which can frighten me sometimes as well.  There are places I can go with the right person that could fracture other people.  But the thing is I really want to see what life looks like on that side of the broken glass.  I don't want to do anything that would endanger my life necessarily--no cum dumps from men who have never had an HIV or std test ever for example--but I want to be legitimately pushed in way I have not been as of yet.  I'm afraid no one will ever push me there and I'm also afraid that once I'm there that I may not want to return.
  • Being insecure also makes me a touch on the needy side as well.  I want to hear that I'm being a good girl, that he wants me, that he has been thinking about me and doing depraved things to me.  It doesn't deaden the insecurity but it does keep it at bay for a while.  The other thing connected to that though is well two things are not unique to me I'm sure.  I literally fucking hate feeling this way.  It drives me to distraction to wait on a thing that proves I am still valued and wanted cause that is so fucking stupid.  Of course I am there is way more going on with my life than if some Dom some where wants to possess me.  But when I am feeling like this it's all I can think of and I feel tiny and weak and sad.  Additionally, what I need to provide that value is a moving target.  It won't be the same week to week let alone needy moment to the next needy moment.  I wish I could quiet that part of my brain.  The gym helps but eventually I leave and I'm back to waiting for the good girl stroking to buoy my spirits and make me independent again.
  • As I mentioned in my last post I'm also apparently stupid about how men flirt and may both be 1) missing the more subtle flirts and 2) ignoring the subtle disinterest.  I know I'm girly and soft and my boob size may indicate a level of stupidity that isn't accurate in the slightest I'd rather know if you're interested or not and what you are interested in.  green lantern and I were talking about trips that I take to see men I'm interested in.  I tend to pay for my vacations, that's how I see them most of the time anyway, because if I don't like you five minutes after I get there I don't want to feel obligated to spend anymore time with you.  That includes in state, out of the state and out of the states entirely trips.  I tend to travel well alone even though I haven't been out of the country alone ever so that will be an experience if I make it.  I really do want to go though, there are lots of places I want to see and know that my schedule may not work with anyone I know.  But even when it's just a few states over if you start acting like a prick or changing your mind about what we were going to do then I make alternate plans on the fly and enjoy my time away from my mother and mortgage.  But that's just if I've already made plans.  If you start acting weird then I don't even bother to book the reservations.  I'll miss you while I masturbate or until I find someone else who is more direct and available and interesting--hard trifecta I know but I'm too old to guess how you are feeling.  I don't like it, it starts that head dance crap from the previous bullet point.  If we are just fucking cool.  If we are just friends cool.  If you want to detain me in your basement and see which spanking implement I respond best too well that's damn cool and tell me where to meet you please and thank you.
  • I am a ridiculous flirt and can be all beyond the pale when it comes to making you hard.  I enjoy it, keep my brain juices flowing.  As I mentioned on a post elsewhere I cannot ask for the attention I want when I am feeling needy.  It's when that dose of boy is not helpful.  It is overwhelmed and overpowered by all that clear and present girl that makes me up.
  • And now it's starting to thunder and rain and all that horny is about to get ramped up along with the other stuff that spins from it.  Damn it.

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