Am I being unrealistic?

Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Okay so I'm in a weird head space after hearing of Robin William's death.  As others have said, no I didn't know him and what I knew of him was from the other side of the screen but I am really having a rough time with this one.  Mork and Mindy was one of the first shows I could watch without my mother hovering about the content.  He's been around literally my entire life.  This is weird.  I wonder how I'm going to react when Prince dies.  Anyway, weird head space as I mentioned before and it's making me think about a lot of different things.

One being relationships within the BDSM universe.  I know there are some very happy couples within our lifestyle.  I envy them and want the same thing for myself.  However, what I tend to see lately are people married to or in long-term relationships with other people while being with their D/s partner.  I can't even say lately.  Of my previous Doms, the people they chose for partners were typically not involved in the lifestyle.  Only one of them was married or partnered when we met though so they had different circumstances. 

When I'm having moments, I think about joining match.com to find my vanilla partner and then continue seeking out the right D/s dynamic for side pursuits.  I know that sometimes you can bring that out in a vanilla partner and I think women may be more successful at that than men but I don't want to convince the man I love that he really wants to hurt me (I mean that's a head fuck in and of itself).  I want him to know that in his heart before we even get there.  Is it unrealistic to think that that man exists and is going to stimulate my mind and naughty bits equally?  Is it unrealistic to think he would be single if I did meet him?  Is it silly of me to think the person that makes me wet just because I see them come across my phone or computer or tablet will be readily available to me? 

I know what we do isn't standard or mainstream but in so many other ways I see it as just another traditional relationship.  I won't go as far as others have and say we're following a more Biblical order but letting my partner lead and direct us has all I have ever really wanted.  I don't need that much freedom or options when it comes to who is in charge of our relationship.  My need is to serve, submit and be desired.  I would love to be stroked gently up and down my back as I sleep next to my Dom.  To giggle in his arms when he catches me and tosses me on the bed.  To wake up tied to the bed with a choice between the Hitachi wand and the remote control vibe knowing both mean uncontrolled orgasms but for totally different amounts of time.  Are those things even really options if what I need is to be used, reclaimed, left spent and panting and desperately hungry for his attention?

I know this all probably seems very random but Robin's death made me think about unfulfilled desires and needs.  We can never fix the past but not achieving in the present seems overwhelmingly painful sometimes.  Not for me but clearly for others.  Anyhoo, what do you think?

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