I seriously hate that phrase most of the time because it implies there's something wrong with having an emotional reaction to things but right now my emotions are scattered and I'm stressed and the one thing I really need is hundreds of miles and several mental states away from me right now. This will be a rambling mess so if you are so inclined to keep reading please do so but if not then head for the next kinky fuck fest cause that's not happening here right now.
I have probably been a sub forever. I realized it in my mid twenties and finally got to explore it in my late 20s. I have learned a bit from each of those relationships which brings me to now and the mush in my brain. Another thing happened in my late 20s which solidified my submission for different reasons. My mother, blessed creature that gave me life, got sick--really sick. She moved in with me a year later and between working full time, sorting out my own health issues, and taking care of her I seriously had no mental energy, let alone emotional or psychological energy, to want to be the dominant force in any relationship. The fact that men found me and wanted to pursue me was a minor miracle because I was most definitely not "putting myself out there" during that time.
So here I am now in my late 30s and yeah she's still here and this week has been one for the ages which makes me remember how much I crave letting that all wash away with the right person. To see me with my Dom is to see me relaxed, smiling, sighing deeply and most of all happy knowing that my service is appreciated and desired by someone who knows what to do with it. I haven't been actively seeking that connection for a year or two after the Dom I thought I would marry and I split. Turns out I'm not able to indefinitely wait for things to sort themselves out. Bad sub, bad sub.
I've may have mentioned it before but I keep hearing that I'm a different kind of sub. I'm smart and independent and won't just fall the feet of anyone because they ask/demand it. I have to be won. I have to be conquered. I have to be appreciated. I have to be fill in the blank. All of that may be true and if so that is equally frustrating because to some degree I cannot turn the submission switch to on and just go yeah but that's the ticket right there. Whether you go with Alpha female/submissive, unicorn, or urban legend what I end up hearing on one end is difficult. Not just for the Dom that may seek me out but for me because most men cannot keep up long enough to peak my interest. And you have to keep in mind that I don't necessarily see myself as all that different. I have had to become this person to take care of people in my life since I was like 10. If you say I am I'll believe you, well if you say it enough, but it's not my natural inclination to think of myself as all that special or unique as I'm like most women in some regards. I am not immune from base reactions to beautiful bodies but that won't make me submit. That just makes me want to fuck you repeatedly. Not a bad thing but definitely not a long term situation either.
For the equally rare or determined Doms that manage to tap into my submissive mind they face another challenge. Think of that part of my brain as a flicker of fire you are trying to start in a rainstorm. It can very quickly fizzle if you go meandering off into the wrong areas or more likely than the misadventure is failure to nurture the fire properly. I know new connections spark and can blaze mightily to keep the analogy going. The thing is though they can burn themselves out without proper attention or they can burn everything down because they got out of hand. Either way what you end up with is a disconnected Alpha/sad unicorn/never properly understood urban legend.
I am by no means perfect and without areas I still need to refine. While I have done what my previous Doms asked of me, I have very rarely had any set protocols or things they wanted me to do on a set schedule. I horribly bad at saying I want xyz unless forced mostly out of fear that my requests will be seen as out of order demands or worse yet met with silence or indifference. I genuinely hate kneeling at anyone's feet. Not because I am near feet but because several years of volleyball and track earlier in life made my knees thing not to land on. I can be needy or at least come across that way when what I really want is to know my tasks/deeds/service is appreciated. Much in the same way a puppy likes to be rewarded for not wetting the carpet by dragging you out of bed, I need to be stroked and reminded I did well or I am highly desired. I have a smart mouth that sometimes flares up when I need to be hurt but can't find the words to ask. It's a leftover from my vanilla day which would lead to harder more enthusiastic fucking from my partners.
I hate being punished. I can really enjoy the pain but knowing I disappointed my Dom can put me into much more of a funk than the pain. I am still insecure about why me as opposed to someone: younger, fitter, more attractive, more experienced, with less baggage and less commitments than I have. I can't easily relocate do to the aforementioned and oft cited as crazy mother. I am periodically moody as hell that I have no children but weeks like this one say I'd be a horrible mom while dealing with my own mother. And the coup de grace I don't foresee any of the relationships I'd happily pursue right now as ever leading to a "traditional" marriage for a variety of reasons not the least of which is any of those potential options all want long-term poly relationships.
Maybe I'm creating ways to maintain outsider/single status. I don't think that's it but I could be wrong. I just know that what it seems like I want in my head doesn't exist solely in any one body. And while non of the options is so possessive as to say fucking someone else (with permission) is out of the question they all key in on different parts of my submissive brain. The one that's getting chilly next to that dwindling fire. That doesn't mean approach me all uber Domlike cause that's a magnificent fucking failure waiting to happen. Everyone that meets me has a different way into my brain if they choose it. I genuinely don't have a type even though there are traits I find highly desirable in potential mates and they will manifest differently in every single person: dependability, honesty, appropriate but periodically down right filthy mind fucks lol. I want what every Alpha female/sub, unicorn, urban legend s type wants. To be appreciated for all that is different and wonderful about us and still be just yours at the end of the long day.
Now I just killed an annoying jumbo fly and am feeling kinda icky in the universe at moment so I'm going to wrap this up. If you made it all the way down here good for you. Have a great afternoon, evening, morning or what not.
P.S. I got a shout out on Twitter from the hot and kink minded Rachel Kramer Bussel, made a girl's day yesterday I swear.